The Burden of Love: Breaking the Ice REVISED

by tarskeewee08

John woke up to the smell eggs and bacon. He looked over and saw Evangeline in her robe cooking in the kitchen. He still couldn't believe that it was a dream last night. He held her earlier in the morning and drifted back to sleep with her in his arms. His heart ached that she was still unaware of how much he missed and needed her. Sitting up he wiped the sleep from his eyes.

She looked over at him sadly with dark circles under her eyes "Breakfast is almost ready."
"You didn't have to do that, we could have gone out and gotten something" he said yawning.
"I can't leave here yet. I'm not ready" she said softly.
Sitting up he looked at her. Here hair was still in tangles and she wore a pink satin gown. Her skin was somewhat lifeless and she moved a little stiff. Grief had more than a hold on her and it was winning the battle. "Van…"

"I called her parents John"
John stared at her in disbelief. That had to be a hard thing to do. "Why didn't you let me do it?"
She looked over at him and smiled "That's sweet, but I grew up with her. I needed to call home and break the news" she said taking his plate to the table.

He looked at the plate loaded with food and frowned "Why are you cooking and…"
"It helps me." She said fixing his coffee "Now come eat and indulge me this"

John rose form the couch and walked over to the table in his boxer shorts. She barely took note of the way he was dressed or lack there of. She was too caught up in her own pain. Bringing two cups of coffee to the table she sat his down and then took a seat across from him.

John sat down and stared at his plate of eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast. When they were together she would cook for him like this and feed him at times. He could remember some mornings pouting if she was to leave early because of a case and there was no breakfast made for him out of love. Moving his food around his plate he then looked up at her. "Aren't you going to eat?"

She smiled weakly at him. "I don't have an appetite"
"Evangeline you have to eat"
She nodded "I know…I will try later I promise."
He smiled at her and started to eat the breakfast feeling her eyes on him. She drank her coffee studying his face. "You want to tell me about that dream?"
John almost choked and looked at her confused "What?"
"I heard you say my name in your dream" she said lowering her cup.

John stared at her "I did?"
Staring at him curious she nodded slowly. "Yes you did"
He thought about getting into it with her as he stared into her eyes. She looked exhausted and vulnerable and he didn't know what opening that up at this moment would do to her. "I was just worried about you."

She smiled again at him. "You are a good man John"
"Where did that come from?"
"Being a friend like this too me. Staying the night, offering to view the body with me, all great acts of generosity on your part."

"Why does that surprise you Evangeline?" he asked smiling.
"Look at our past. I never really needed you and when I did you were never really there for me." She said sadly.

Her words cut through his heart and he dropped his fork in his plate "We need to talk…."

The phone rang and Evangeline looked up "Maybe that's the station with some news. I told my office to forward calls here today." she said getting up from the table. She walked over and picked up the phone anxiously.

"Hello?"
"Ms. Williamson?"
"Yes…"
"This is Detective Grey"
"Hello detective…" she said looking over to John who was now watching her.
"We found her truck."
Evangeline bit into her lip "Okay"
"It was abandoned in Joliet. Forensics will be going through it."
"She had a navigation system, make sure you check that."

"We will thank you. Also the ME found traces of skin under her nails. She's going to run a DNA test. We might get lucky."

"How soon will we know something?" Evangeline asked
"72 hours at the earliest" he said
"Please let me know as soon as you know something. Her uncle will be arriving in town today to have body sent to Philadelphia."
"I'll let the coroners office know"
"Thank you detective" Evangeline said hanging up. She braced herself against the counter and started to cry again. John got up from the table and walked over to her.

"Come here…"he said pulling her into his arms.
She hugged him. "I can't stop crying" she said weakly
"It's okay…"he said
Pulling from him she looked in his face "John it's not okay. She's dead…stop saying its okay!" she snapped pushing away.

Blowing out a frustrated breath he watched her go to her room and slam her door. Her emotions were all over the place. He just kept saying all the wrong things to her. Walking over to her room he hesitated then turned the door knob. He saw her sitting on the bed with her head down and her tangled hair hanging in her face.

"Why don't we get dressed and we go somewhere?"
Evangeline looked over at him. "Go where John?" she said disinterested.
"I've never been to Chicago why don't you take me somewhere?"
She looked away "I don't feel like it!" she snapped.

He walked over to the bed and sat next to her. "You're in pain and sitting here stewing in it will just make you sick. Let's walk out the door and face the world today"

Evangeline looked at him and frowned "Why are you doing this?"
"Because I care"
Staring at him for a long time she tried to see if it what he said was true. "You seem different"
John looked away "I am"
"How so?"
"I'm not afraid of my feelings anymore" he said looking at her.
Evangeline smiled at that, it was one of the things she had hoped to hear him say. She looked at him and felt her heart began to race. John looked in her face and still felt the phantom feeling of her kiss. Before he knew it he was leaning toward her as she stared in his eyes for another one, a real one. His face barely inches from hers now he titled his head to take the liberty that he shouldn't.

Evangeline moved away and stood up. "Okay if you give me an hour I'll be ready" she said walking to her bathroom, "Oh and dress warmly its 12 degrees today" she said closing the door.

John rubbed his jaw. He made an ass out of himself. Smiling he got up, on their way here they stopped at his hotel and got his bag so he could have some clothes. He grabbed his bag and headed to the other bathroom to dress.

An hour later John sat on the couch watching TV waiting on her when she came out in a thick tangerine cabled knit sweater with a orange turtleneck underneath. Her jeans were tight and fitted showing the curve of her hips he loved to run his hands over. On her feet were hiking boots and her hair was under a skull cap that had bright orange and blue rings around it. "I don't think I want to do this" she said softly.

John stood up "Only for a few hours. Just something to clear your head"
Evangeline bit down on her lip. "I was thinking we could go ice skating since the snow has stopped."

John smiled "Me on skates?"
She laughed "Yeah...We can go to Millennium Park off of North Michigan"
"Evangeline…I don't think…"
She turned on him "This was your idea. You said you wanted to see Chicago and do something. Well this is what we do in Chicago, we skate."

John shook his head "Okay if you say so"

Evangeline tossed him his jacket and put on hers, "Now lets go and you need an extra pair of socks!"

He laughed and retrieved a pair. She winked at him and led into the wintry blast to do something he would never do, but of course with his need to help her he'd do anything.

They rode to the park and he smiled at how well she drove on the icy roads. She pointed out different places as they went and told him of things that she and Charlotte did for fun. Every now and then her voice would crack and he would help talk her through it. He felt renewed being there for her. He felt as if they were discovering each other again.

Evangeline found a place to park and they paid the attendant. Getting out of the car in the cold John looked up into the thickly clouded gray sky and thought it was fitting for the mood of the day.

He pulled her to him and put his arm around her shoulder. She didn't hug him back and he understood although felt a little disappointment that she was so reserved with him. They raced up the steps to the front gate and walked the winding iron gate to the front attendant paying for admission then going inside to rent their skates.

John frowned the entire time and Evangeline had to get down and lace them up for him. John saw the kids rushing to the rink and gliding across the ice. "This has to be easy" he mumbled.

Evangeline looked up and smiled "You scared?"
He cut his eyes "Of course not just cold that's all"
Evangeline stood up and grabbed his gloved hands. "Okay it's really easy, it's all a balance game." She said smiling pulling him to make him step. John walked toward her and his ankle turned in the skate awkwardly making him loose balance. Evangeline giggled and forced him back up steadily. "Let's go baby" she said sweetly and he smiled at her calling him that.

Helping him onto the ice he shivered some finding it even cooler now on the frozen floor. Evangeline glided backwards still holding both his hands and pulling him along. He took high steps with her at first and then tried to glide. Evangeline smiled at how he was improving and it warmed him to see her smile again. Loosing focus his feet began to shuffle and he kicked through it flapping his arms like a chicken. Evangeline reached for him trying to help him steady himself and he pulled her down with him as he came crashing down on the ice.

She landed on his chest and burst out laughing as ice-skaters went around them. John winced when his butt hit the hard cold floor but open his eyes to see her grinning up in his face. Her face full of life and angelic made him touch her. She didn't notice the affectionate touch and tried to pull at him. "Can you stand?" she asked giggling.

He shook his head and they tried several times to rise falling again and again. They both laughed as a little boy skated over asking if they were okay. They laughed even harder. Finally she was able to get up and steady herself then pull him off the ice.

"Can we go now?" he asked his butt and back now sore.
Evangeline pouted "But I haven't skated yet"
John smiled "I will wait over there and you have at it" he said walking carefully away as skaters went flying past him. She watched him go and thought about the dates they used to share. How he would do what she wanted attending ballets and tennis matches to make her happy. It wasn't always bad between them. Why did it all go so wrong?"

He sat down and looked at her and she waved then slid across the ice. He watched her skate and saw her hair blowing from under her cap behind her as she glided and then twirled around going down in a crouch like position then spinning faster with both her arms raised above her head as she rose. He had no idea she was this good but wasn't surprised by this vision before him. She was good at whatever she did.

On the ice she laughed with him and he felt a sense of relief. He didn't want her to slip into darkness. He knew all to well what darkness was like. Feeling his phone vibrate on his hip he pulled it free. Looking at it he saw it was the Chicago PD.

"Hello"
"John?" Barnaby said in an aggravated tone
"Yeah…"
"Where are you? HR said they didn't get all of your paperwork and you were to do a drug screening today."
"A friend of mine needed me" he said looking back on the ice as Evangeline raced with some kids laughing at them trying to keep up.

"Well you asked me for a job…so you need to take that seriously"
John frowned "I will be in tomorrow. Today something else is more important" he snapped closing his phone. He hadn't forgotten that Barnaby is connected to his dad's killer and he didn't want to forget. But today was about Evangeline and he would be here for her until she needed for him to leave.

Evangeline skated over to him out of breath "Whew! That was so much fun!" she said breathing out icy smoke and rubbing her gloved hands together.

"Hungry?" he asked
"Famished" she said smiling
John stood wobbly "Lets go..'

Sitting down in a small Thai restaurant Evangeline pulled off her gloves and her hat shaking off the cold. John removed his gloves looking into her face. She seemed alive again. "So this ice skating thing, exactly how good are you?"

She laughed and looked up at him. "I competed when I was younger"
John shook his head "Is there anything you haven't done?"
She shrugged "Don't know…doubt it"

He laughed and they ordered food. Eating and talking about Llanview he told her of the latest on everyone and how happy he was about the elopement of his brother.

"Why did you stop therapy John?" Evangeline asked
John looked at her not the least bit shocked that she knew he did "I needed something more"
"More?"
"Yes…I needed closure. I came to Chicago for that reason"
She nodded and accepted her drink "That's right for your father"
John smiled softly "Yes the man that killed him is here."
"Oh god…"
He looked up at her "It's something that has to be done Van"
"What is?"
"Justice…."
Evangeline looked away. "I understand that now. I want justice for what was done to Char and nothing will stop me from getting it" she said in bitterness.

"You do understand that justice and revenge is not the same thing" he asked tenderly reaching for her hand. Evangeline looked at his hand over hers and then into his eyes. "For me they will be"

John shook his head "Learn from my mistakes baby, don't be consumed by it. We can find her killer and make sure he pays for what he did but you have to keep perspective."

Evangeline pulled her hand away. "I'm not you! I have perspective"
John looked at her sadly "Inside you're still very mad at me aren't you?"
She avoided his eyes and refused to answer him. He studied her reaction and knew the answer anyway. "I hurt you badly and for that I'm sorry"
"That's in the past" she said dismissively.

"No its part of our future Evangeline, If we have any hope of being real friends we need to address the past and move on. The first thing I want to do is apologize to you"

Evangeline looked up into his eyes a little surprised "Apologize?" she said confused
"You were right about me on so many levels. I treated you horribly and behaved selfishly. I'm so sorry for all the things I did and I wish I could do it all over again starting with telling you the truth."

"John…..thank you, it means a lot to hear you say that."

He smiled weakly and the waiter brought their food. Looking back into her face he saw her eyes glistening as she reached across the table for his hand and he took hers. "I know we have changed and we are different people now, but I mean it when I say I want your friendship"

John looked at her "What if I was to tell you I wanted more. What if I was to tell you that you were wrong about one of the most important things you believed when it came to you and me?"

"Like what?"
"You were wrong in believing that I didn't love you. I've always loved you" he said bringing her hand to his lips and kissing her knuckles softly.

She looked at his kiss and then to his eyes. "I would say that for a long time I longed to hear you say that. I needed you so badly to return the love that I gave to you so freely, but now…."

"Are you saying it's too late for us Van? Are you saying that you don't love me?" he asked his voice cracking.

She smiled and a single tear fell from her eye. "Oh I love you and I always will John. I just don't think your words are enough to make me vulnerable enough to be in love with you"

John stared at her disappointed. "You're still in love with me Van, I feel it. I see it in the way you look at me. I tasted it in the breakfast you cooked for me. I know you baby and this is far from over between us."

Evangeline shook her head sadly "You know what changed it for me John, what made me put a shield over my heart when it came to you. Why I walked away and didn't put up a fight for us."

"What?" he asked confused.
"You hurt me when the KC kidnapping happened and I received little comfort from you…."
"I can explain…"
"Wait John that's not it. You hurt me but I still inside believed that you loved me. What changed it for me is when you took her to bed. When you moved her into your place and paraded her around town in my face with little regard to how it killed me inside. You knew how people in that town snickered at me. The whispers that I would hear in the station when I arrived, you heard them too….yet my feelings were never important to you"

John breathed in deeply and tried to keep control but she was killing him with her version of their love. The real version of their love for him was something different. He looked down into his vegetable noodle plate and tried to digest what she was saying.

Evangeline saw she was hurting him but felt it was necessary for him to know how he hurt her. "You always thought of me as tough, you took liberties with my feelings because you felt I could handle it. I watched you sacrifice and bend for every person in that town but me. Finally I got it John. Finally I saw the truth…"

"Stop this Evangeline…." John said unable to listen anymore.
"No, you listen to my pain. You see what your love that you claim you had for me all along did to me…"she said grabbing his hand and forcing him to look back at her.

John looked at her with tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry..."
"I believe you, I even forgive you…but I don't trust you. You are here to face demons well I'm one of them. So here's the truth…when I learned of the DNA result cover-up I saw that you were selfish and that all along you were putting yourself first. Not me and not Natalie. I saw it and I was destroyed by it. It shattered my belief in the type of man you were. And it made me question myself for loving you still. Now you are here at the worst moment of my life, supporting me and putting me first…"

John looked in her face and she smiled at him. "John I want to fall into your arms so badly. I need you so deeply that just a look from you makes me weak, but I still wonder if giving in to those desires feed your selfish needs. If it feeds your hero need to save me. If it feeds your insecurities to not be alone."

"My feelings are real!" he snapped
"So are mine!" she said letting go of his hand "And you don't get off that easy. If you want my trust, then you'll earn it. If you want my love…"
"I do"
"Then you'll earn that too. Because I'll never let you hurt me the way you did before. You had all of that which you seek and you didn't know what to do with it. I'm not sure you do at this point or think you do, but until I know that this isn't just about you John I won't give into my feelings for you"

John stared at her and he saw the love in her eyes. It was all he needed to see. "It's a burden loving me isn't it Van?"

"Burden?" she asked frowning.
"Sure, I come broken to you and closed off making our love complicated when it should just be about our feelings."

"I wouldn't call my love for you over the years a burden, because I got some things that I needed from it. I felt the passion you had for me. But if it is a burden to love you its one that I don't regret, I will never regret what we shared, the good or the bad." She said smiling at him.

He smiled too and they finally began to eat with the purple elephant out of the room. It was a new beginning for them. Maybe not what he'd dreamed their reunion would be, but it was a start. She showed him her pain and it was hard to see, but he finally saw that she was just as human as he was. He treated her like some kind of iron princess and always felt that she could take care of herself. He was right that she was a survivor, but she was also a woman.

How could he have missed that? Well he knew the truth now and she would know the depths and lengths he is going to go through to win her back. And this time when he has her he'll never let her go. She smiled up at him picking up her noodles and he winked. It was definitely a new beginning.