Author's Note: The second chapter dealing with Castle and Beckett's visit to the Hamptons.
Then Came Love
Chapter 51
Afterwards, Kate remembered their first full day in the Hamptons as an idyll, seeming to be a day apart from their regular lives, and they spent it as if in a little cocoon that existed only for the two of them.
She hadn't quite realized until then just how infrequently she and Castle were truly alone, for all that they spent almost all their time together these days. They were obviously never alone while in the precinct and in the loft, either Alexis or Martha or both were usually present and even in her own apartment, while they were alone, there was still the possibility of interruption because of a case and because Castle usually had to leave in order to be home for Alexis. And of course, they didn't spend that much time at her apartment either because of Alexis.
But now, in the Hamptons, it really was just the two of them. She was on vacation so there was no possibility of an interruption about a case, Martha was back in the City, and Alexis was in California. And even Castle's lingering concern for Alexis had been somewhat assuaged by Alexis's regular text messages and her phone call that evening.
They had spent a lazy morning in bed. She had woken up early and padded downstairs to make coffee but the coffee had ended up getting cold on the nightstand as they, ahem, got distracted. And while she was normally not one who liked to linger in bed, she was discovering that lying around in bed was an entirely different and much more attractive proposition when a sexy man–when Castle–was in the bed with her.
They had eventually emerged from their bedroom when her own hunger pangs had grown too insistent to ignore and eaten brunch. And afterwards, they had ventured into the town for Castle to show her around, spending the afternoon browsing some of the kitschy little tourist shops, very quiet in the offseason, although there were more people spending this holiday week between Christmas and New Year's than she had been expecting.
They had returned to the house to change and then gone out to a fancy restaurant right along the water for a real date, with her wearing a skimpy, sexy bra and panty set she had brought, which had almost resulted in them being late for their dinner reservation once Castle had seen it before she'd slipped her dress on. But dinner was lovely too, almost what she would have expected of being taken out on a date by Castle. She had rather imagined, expected, that dates with Castle would involve expensive, flashy restaurants, but on this date (and their one previous, aborted date last month), the restaurant had been expensive, yes, but it had also been elegant, discreet, not at all ostentatious. They'd been seated at a table in the corner providing some measure of privacy and Castle had explained that in the summertime, this section of the restaurant was opened up to take advantage of the waterfront location. And she surprised herself a little by suggesting that they come back in the summertime then and Castle's eyes had lit as he readily agreed while she wondered when she'd started assuming, believing that they would still be going on romantic dates six months or more from now, when they would have the Sprout to think about too.
The food was delicious and their conversation was easy, fun. It was a little odd to realize that somehow Castle was the person she found easiest to talk to, not only because of his ready humor but because of his intelligence, his understanding. Castle shared some more stories of past summers in the Hamptons with Alexis. They started to talk about possible names for the Sprout which devolved into silliness as Castle suggested (and she wasn't entirely sure how serious he was) naming the baby Hermione, a suggestion which she vetoed (no matter how cool the character was) and she retaliated by suggesting Dulcinea (if they were going with names from books) and he countered with Titania followed by her counter-suggestion of Ophelia and then his of Scheherazade to which she suggested Melpomene, at which point they were both laughing too hard to continue.
Kate wasn't sure she could remember the last time she had laughed so much and had so much fun on a date–wasn't sure if she had ever had so much fun on a date before, for that matter. She was flushed and warmed clear through with the laughter and the food by the time they finished dinner–and then they returned to the house and she found herself flushed and overly warm for entirely different reasons as Castle proceeded to demonstrate his appreciation of her sexy underwear quite thoroughly.
Now, this morning, they had another deliciously lazy morning but went into town to have brunch at a cute cafe. They stopped off on the way back to the house to visit Castle's friends, Rochelle and Phil, who proved to be an engaging, warm-hearted couple, who welcomed Kate as an old friend, with Rochelle exclaiming her delight at meeting Kate and finding out about the baby, lightly teasing Castle for being so closed-mouth about both Kate and the baby, and inquiring affectionately after Alexis and Martha.
They ended up visiting with Rochelle and Phil for an hour until Phil mildly chided his wife that they shouldn't take up too much of Rick's and Kate's day, especially since it was their last full day in the Hamptons.
Back at the house, Castle suggested going for a walk along the beach to take advantage of the sunny, if cold, winter's day and she readily agreed. So they didn't shed their winter coats, only added on a scarf as protection against the wind.
Castle led her out into the backyard, past the pool and then down a handful of steps to a small gate which opened up onto the sand.
It might have been sunny but she quickly discovered that out here by the water, the wind was blowing briskly, no doubt wreaking havoc on her hair, and she linked her arm with Castle's, tucking herself closely against his side, partly for warmth and partly just because she wanted to.
He dropped a kiss on her hair. "Warm enough?"
She slanted a quick smile at him. "Yes, it's fine. It is beautiful out here." It really was, with the white sand contrasting with the dark blue of the waters, even the large houses overlooking the beach added to the beauty because they were all well-maintained and seemed intended for display. "So how much of this beach is yours, anyway?"
"Not that much," he made a gesture to the fences demarking either side of his yard, "basically it's like imaginary lines extending to the shore from the fences."
She clicked her tongue against her cheek, shaking her head in mock disappointment. "Oh, so you only have a small private beach. How positively tragic." Not that it was actually that small either. (And oh lord, he had a private beach. She felt another sense of unreality at the thought that she was here, dating a man who had his own private beach.)
He had to laugh. "I know, isn't it?"
They exchanged smiles and walked on in companionable silence, interspersed with occasional desultory comments. It was peaceful out here, the serenity that Castle had mentioned noticeable. She was sure that in the summertime, there would be more people on the beach but now, in the middle of winter, the beach was almost entirely deserted. She could see someone with a dog some ways up ahead and a couple other people but they were too far away to intrude on their privacy.
He lifted a hand to point out a large mansion up ahead, one that made Castle's house look modest by comparison, the largest house along this stretch of the beach. "That's Wayne Garvey's place."
She blinked. "The Wayne Garvey, the Hollywood producer?"
"Of course. His movies might all be serious dramas but he's a surprisingly funny guy, when you get to know him," Castle went on, as casually as if he were talking about what he'd eaten for lunch rather than an apparent friendship with a famous Hollywood producer whose last movie had been nominated for a couple Oscars.
Her steps slowed as she turned to stare at him. She had gotten over her intimidation from his house and Rochelle and Phil had been so normal and down-to-earth, she had rather forgotten (again) that Castle was a celebrity in his own right who hung out with other celebrities but now it hit her all over again. "You're friends with Wayne Garvey?"
Castle lifted one shoulder into a half-shrug. "I don't know if I'd go so far as to say we're friends. It's not like we keep in touch or anything but I've met him a few times. He likes to throw fancy parties when he's here in the summer and has invited me."
An incredulous little laugh escaped her. "Seriously?"
It was his turn to blink at her. "What?"
She blew out a breath, waving one hand to indicate him and Wayne Garvey's mansion. "Just… you. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing here. I mean, we're from totally different worlds. You're this multimillionaire celebrity; you have a mansion in the Hamptons, a private beach. You're friends with people like Wayne Garvey and Joe Torre and it just seems normal to you. I'm a cop; I've never even visited the Hamptons before. I don't belong in your world of celebrities and multimillionaires."
"I know you don't," he agreed, surprising her since she had expected him to demur. But before she could even begin to feel a little pang of unease, he went on, "And I'm glad you're not part of that world."
"You're… glad?"
"Yes." He paused and added with a faint quirk of his lips, "You told me yourself that you're not a celebutante or a bimbette, remember?"
She smiled almost in spite of herself at the words, the memory. "I remember." (It seemed a little odd, somehow, to remember their first meeting so fondly considering how irritated she had been with him at the time. Odd too because it almost seemed as if it had happened to two different people.)
"It's what I first liked about you, you know."
"That I'm not a celebutante?"
He gave a brief laugh. "Basically, yes. You didn't treat me any differently because of my money or my fame; instead, you actively disliked me for my money and my fame–"
"I didn't dislike you," she corrected with somewhat limited candor. (She might have wanted to dislike him but hadn't really succeeded.) "I thought you were annoying."
He flashed a smile. "That's my point; you thought I was annoying and you didn't try to hide it either. I liked that. Most people don't, you know."
"Most people don't think you're annoying? You've told me yourself that you're likable."
"No, most people never let you see if they think you're annoying when you're rich and famous. And sure, that's hard to complain about. It's flattering," he admitted with a faint, self-deprecating smile, "to have everyone seem to like you, to tell you that you're handsome and charming and brilliant, etc. And I admit it went to my head for a while." He paused, sobering. "That world, the one where I get to meet people like Wayne Garvey," he gestured again towards Garvey's mansion, "it's glamorous and can be fun, don't get me wrong, but it's also not real. The people you meet–I suppose some might actually be sincere but for the most part, I just assume that they're really only interested in my money or my fame or my connections or, yes, my looks," he added with a twist of his lips, "but they don't actually care about me."
The white whale–out of nowhere, the phrase popped into her mind–that was what that silly woman at the MADT fundraiser this past spring had called him. Those women, as Castle had said, had been interested in him for his looks and his money and his fame but what had they really known about him beyond that? Probably not much and she doubted any of them would have really cared to get to know him much better, wouldn't really have cared to know what kind of man he was, what kind of father.
And even if he had let it go to his head, as he'd admitted, Castle was smart enough, worldly enough, to protect himself against people with ulterior motives. That silly woman had intimated as much, hadn't she–what had she said–oh, right, that Castle "was a fighter," so he'd proven to be elusive to the (many) women who must have targeted him.
Oh, not that he'd been celibate–but being willing to use at least some of those women for the meaningless sex they were no doubt all too eager to offer him was one thing; actually showing them anything at all of his real self was another.
And it occurred to her too that it was no wonder Castle had seemed like such a jackass celebrity when they'd first met. It was his way of protecting himself, a shield to keep his real self hidden. It explained the dichotomy between his jackass celebrity facade and the real man, the one he was at home with his family, with her.
She supposed it had been silly of her but she hadn't thought about the drawbacks to his celebrity life, had focused on the glamorous facade. Castle hadn't dwelled on what it was like for him to believe that almost everyone he met was only interested in him for his money or connections but the thought of what that meant made her heart twist. It sounded so… lonely, not being able to trust people. And in that light, it wasn't that surprising either that Castle hadn't received gifts from anyone outside of their family members; people who were interested in using him were hardly likely to expend the effort to buy him a gift. It was so… wrong, almost physically painful, to think about Castle, with his generous heart, being lonely. She, of all people, understood what it was to be lonely and she hated the idea of Castle experiencing it.
He lifted his hand to cup her cheek, brushing some tendrils of hair away from her face. She lifted her own hand to cover his, keeping it in place, not that he showed any indication of moving it.
"I know you, Kate–"
"And you like me anyway?" she finished for him with an attempt at lightness.
He smiled. "Yeah. You're different. You're the first woman I've met in years who I know doesn't care about my fame or my connections or anything. You like me for me."
She had to smile at that. "I do like you." She more than liked him. How much more was something she wasn't quite ready to acknowledge just yet.
He huffed a small laugh and tugged her into his arms. "Thank goodness for that."
She tucked her face into the collar of his coat, enjoying the solid strength of him against her, surrounding her. He had her now and she had him. Neither of them needed to be lonely anymore.
On the thought, she lifted her face to kiss him, a soft lingering kiss that only broke apart when a particularly strong gust of wind buffeted them.
He dropped a kiss on her nose. "Keep walking or do you want to turn back?"
"I think we can walk a little further before turning back."
He nodded, keeping one arm around her waist, as she slipped her arm around his waist, keeping herself tucked into the lee of his body as they resumed walking.
"It's one thing I like about being here," he began after a few minutes. "It might sound a little odd but here, almost no one cares who I am. I'm not that rich or that famous, compared to the Wayne Garveys that live out here, and since I don't make an effort to really insert myself into the social scene, I fly under the radar. I can just be me, can spend time with Alexis, and have no one else bothering us."
"That makes sense. I can see why you like it out here." It wasn't just Wayne Garvey but she knew enough about the Hamptons to guess that in comparison to many of its denizens, Castle might very well be not that big of a deal. Even just walking along this stretch of the beach, as odd as it sounded about a house as large as Castle's with its seven bedrooms, she could see that Castle's house was actually on the smaller side.
He paused and then abruptly admitted almost as if he hadn't fully realized he was going to say it, "Gina and I used to argue about it."
Her heart seemed to skip at this abrupt mention of Gina. He didn't often speak about her, at least not about their relationship. The only time he usually mentioned her was in her capacity as his publisher. She hesitated, torn between curiosity and not wanting to pry. She was starting to understand that in some ways, Page Six notwithstanding, Castle was as reticent about his personal life as she was. "Oh," she finally settled for saying, a neutral response.
He didn't look at her, kept his gaze fixed ahead of them, his lips pressed together in a way she recognized. "She wanted to do more socializing when we were out here, go to the parties like those Garvey throws, but when I'm here, I come here for privacy. I do the publicity stuff, the parties, the book signings, the occasional talk shows, that sort of thing, when I'm in the City and I get that it's part of my job. But here, I just want to spend time with Alexis, my mother–now, you. Gina didn't really get it, didn't like it."
That told Kate more about Castle's relationship with Gina than she'd known and it might not be the full story of that relationship but it was enough.
And she was not Gina. She didn't say any of that. She momentarily rested her cheek against his shoulder and then said, "How about we turn around when we get to Garvey's house?" It was just a little ways ahead and they'd been walking for about 15 minutes now so if they turned then, that would make it a decent walk by the time they returned to Castle's house.
"Sounds good to me." They walked on for the few minutes until they reached Garvey's mansion in silence and then turned and Castle paused, his lips tugging into a smirk as he gestured towards the end of the beach. "Don't freak out again but Victor Baron's mansion is further down that way, although it's too far to see it from here. And no, I haven't met him."
She narrowed her eyes at him. "I didn't freak out," she denied primly. "I expressed mild surprise, that's all."
He grinned at her, his eyebrows lifting. "Mild surprise, sure," he drawled.
She huffed, sternly hiding a smile as she started to head back. "I take it back, you're still annoying."
"But you like me anyway. You said so," he preened.
"I'm reconsidering my opinion right about now," she retorted dryly.
"Nope, you said it and there are no take-backs."
She gave in and laughed. (How could he always make her laugh?) "You're ridiculous."
"I know. I get that a lot," he declared with mock pride as if she'd just paid him a big compliment.
Oh, this silly, endearing man. She rolled her eyes for his benefit and he gave her one of his trademark smirks, the ones that used to be so infuriating and now somehow made her want to kiss him (okay, fine, she might have, maybe, wanted to kiss the smirk off him before too, although she made a mental note to never, ever admit that to him.)
The walk back towards Castle's house was spent in comfortable silence. She stumbled a little at one point in the uneven sand but Castle clamped his arm tighter around her waist, keeping her upright as she clutched at him, making a disgruntled face. Really, adjusting to the way her growing belly threw off her sense of balance was proving to be more of a challenge than she'd expected.
"All right there?"
"Yeah," she huffed. "I just don't like being so clumsy." Even to her own ears she sounded petulant but to his credit, Castle didn't laugh (possibly sensing it wouldn't be good for his own well-being if he laughed right then).
"You're not clumsy; you're pregnant. There's a difference," he corrected and she noted he wisely did not add that she was only going to get more ungainly in the next couple weeks and months. (Ugh.)
They were almost back at Castle's house when he paused, pulling out his ringing phone from his coat pocket, his face lighting up with a smile that made his explanatory aside, "It's Alexis," entirely redundant before he answered. "Hello, daughter. Having fun in the sun?"
He was quiet as he listened to Alexis's answer, his expression soft in what she termed his Alexis look because it was one she only saw when he was talking to his daughter. "Mm, well, that sounds like fun. And what do you have planned for the rest of the day?... Wait, she's what?" His voice sharpened, his brows lowering into a scowl, any softness in his expression vanishing.
Kate observed him with some concern. She wasn't sure she'd ever seen Castle look quite so angry before, his upset almost palpable as it radiated from every line of his tense form. She wasn't sure what was wrong but she moved back to stand next to him, sliding her hand into his free one, and he closed his hand around hers with unwonted strength even as he listened to what she guessed were Alexis's conciliatory words.
Whatever Alexis said didn't have much of an effect on him, his frown barely lightening at all. "Okay, fine, as long as you're sure… Yeah, Beckett and I will see you tomorrow at the airport," he finally said. The set of his lips momentarily eased, which was explained as he responded, "Love you too, pumpkin. Let me know when you get on the plane tomorrow… See you soon."
He ended the call, slipping his phone back into his coat pocket, and then just glowered for a moment out at the ocean. "God damn it!" he bit off.
She inwardly winced a little at this evidence of how upset he was, since Castle wasn't normally one to swear. "Is Alexis okay?" she finally ventured.
He blinked and turned to look at her, his frown clearing a little. "Yeah," he sighed. "Alexis is fine. It's just Meredith being… well, her usual self."
Oh, of course, she should have guessed this was about Meredith. She hesitated. She was curious about his relationship with Meredith, about Meredith's relationship with Alexis too, but now, when Castle was angry, didn't seem like the time to ask.
But at the same time, with Castle still looking so upset, she found she couldn't do nothing either. For what might have been the first time in her memory, neither her presence nor her touch appeared to be succeeding in distracting him or comforting him. She moved to wrap her arms around his waist, an embrace he returned but for the first time almost absently. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked tentatively.
There was a pause and then he abruptly bent and kissed her hard, his mouth swallowing her little gasp of surprise. She had not been expecting it but she responded to his kiss as she always did (always would). He broke off the kiss almost as suddenly as it had begun and she had to blink a few times as she waited to get her breath back.
"Have I told you that I'm so glad to be doing this with you? I know we didn't plan this but I'm so glad to be having a baby with you," he told her with as much intensity in his voice as had been in his kiss.
"Me too," she agreed quietly, her heart flipping inside her chest. But it was true.
"Alexis wasn't planned either," he blurted out after a moment. He partially released her, turning away, but she grasped his hand, a clasp he returned, and she kept pace beside him as he started to walk again, heading towards his house, although for once she got the impression he was only half-aware of her presence. "Meredith and I had been together for a few months, just having fun. In hindsight, I got involved with Meredith on the rebound from Kyra–"
Kyra? Her mind momentarily fastened on the unfamiliar name.
"An ex-girlfriend–not important," he added in a quick aside but his expression had shifted, his tone changing too, and she felt a stupid, entirely unjustified pang of something approaching jealousy because from his voice, his look, this Kyra had been very important to him. Even more so than, it seemed, either Meredith or Gina somehow.
"Meredith got pregnant so I proposed. I thought it was the right thing to do, thought it would be my chance for that quintessential American dream, two parents, a kid, a house with a white picket fence–or the Manhattan equivalent of that. The real family I'd never had. I was so happy, so hopeful." His expression softened, became wistful, and she felt her heart twist because she could picture it so easily. She'd already seen how excited, how happy, he was now over the Sprout, could only imagine how happy and excited his younger self would have been when the idea of having a baby, becoming a dad, was entirely new to him, when he'd been so young and inexperienced and dreaming of a perfect happy family.
His face clouded over as he went on. "Meredith wasn't. I could sort of understand it as she felt sick a lot for the first six months and I get that it would be hard to be excited while throwing up almost every day but it wasn't only that. She didn't like being pregnant, was constantly worrying over the weight she was gaining and if she would be able to lose it after Alexis was born."
It occurred to Kate with sudden insight why Castle had told her she was perfect for choosing one of the guest rooms to be a nursery, picking a theme for the nursery. Because she was excited for the baby, making plans for the baby. She might be nervous and uncertain and terrified at the thought of all the changes to come but in spite of all that, she was also happy and, yes, excited. So happy, not only about the baby, but to be having a baby with Castle–yes, it was because of Castle. She couldn't imagine going through this without him, or with anyone else–or rather, she could imagine it and that was how she could be absolutely sure she would never want to do this with anyone else.
His lips twisted. "In all those months, I never heard her worry about Alexis or about what kind of mom she would be for Alexis, not once."
Now, he stopped and turned to meet her eyes, his expression softening, as he tugged her in against him, wrapping one arm around her again. She knew he was remembering, as was she, the way she'd fallen apart in the stairwell of the precinct fretting over what kind of mom she would be–and the kisses they'd shared afterwards.
"I thought it would get better once Alexis was born. I thought… well, I fell in love with Alexis the first moment I saw her, so tiny and so perfect…" His expression softened, suffusing with more tenderness than she thought she'd ever seen before, even more than his usual Alexis look. "I could have just watched her sleep for hours…" From his look, she guessed he had actually watched the baby Alexis sleep for hours on end.
Just as they would probably watch the Sprout sleep, marveling at every moment, she thought, with a rush of emotion.
"It was good, at first. I was so happy–exhausted and a little terrified too most of the time–but still happy." He broke off again before continuing, his voice sounding unlike himself. "Meredith wasn't. I suppose I should have realized that sooner but I didn't, was too wrapped up in Alexis. Meredith wanted to revive her career and I was perfectly willing to keep on taking care of Alexis and I could write from home anyway so she went back to work and I thought that would be enough, would make her happy."
It hadn't, obviously. Kate decided she hated Meredith, never mind the fairness of hating a woman she'd only met once.
Almost as if he'd sensed her thoughts (she might have been spending too much time with Castle when she thought in such terms), he went on, "Meredith's not a bad person. She just… gets bored easily, wants new and exciting, and I wasn't enough for her."
She inwardly flinched. She might have already guessed that Meredith had cheated on Castle but guessing didn't make it any easier to hear Castle admit such a thing aloud. And it was so… wrong too. Whatever Castle's faults, he hadn't deserved to be cheated on, that Kate was absolutely certain of. And how insane did Meredith have to be, to cheat on someone like Castle?
"Castle, you don't have to tell me."
His eyes cleared, softened, as he met her eyes. "It's okay. It's… well, it's something you should know so you'll understand. And I'm over it, really. Whatever else she did, Meredith gave me Alexis and Alexis is the best thing that's ever happened to me so I could never regret that."
From his expression and his tone as he'd recounted this story, she doubted he was quite as sanguine about it as he claimed, even as warmth sparked in her chest at the way he talked about Alexis and that part, she knew he really did mean. No one who had ever seen him with Alexis could doubt how much Castle adored his daughter.
"Anyway, Meredith and I fought and Meredith left, moved to California."
"How old was Alexis at the time?"
"Not quite 3."
Oh god. Kate's heart's clenched. Alexis had still been a baby, really, when her mother had just left and moved across the country. Kate was no expert but it struck her all over again how unusual it was that Castle had gotten full custody. She saw enough of divorce and broken families through her job to know that courts almost always awarded joint custody or, if not that, awarded custody to the mom, especially when kids were so young, with visitation rights for the father. Come to think of it, she wasn't sure she'd ever come across a situation of a father being awarded full custody of a child at such a young age.
Again, almost as if he'd guessed her thoughts, Castle went on, "I was ready to fight with Meredith to keep Alexis but Meredith never even asked. She made it clear that she… wasn't interested in having custody." He paused. "Alexis doesn't know about any of this. I never want her to know about any of this."
She winced. "No, she doesn't need to know," she agreed softly. Alexis might be well-adjusted and mature for her age and happy with her father and all that but still, there was no way for it to be anything less than hurtful if she found out that her mother had abandoned her without a fight. Knowing Alexis, she might even suspect it but even so, having it confirmed… No, Alexis did not need to know.
"Meredith does love Alexis, I don't doubt that. She's just… irresponsible and flighty and self-centered. She loves Alexis in her way but it just never occurs to her to really think about how her actions might affect other people."
"How often does Alexis see Meredith?"
"About once a year. I used to take her out to California for a few days in the summer to see Meredith. This year, Meredith was busy over the summer and Alexis thought she was old enough to travel on her own for this trip and I let her persuade me and Meredith agreed to it, said the right things about being excited and all that. Even Hollywood tends to be quiet this time of year with everyone doing holiday things, waiting for New Year's Eve to start partying so I thought it would be okay." His frown reappeared, his eyes clouding over.
Obviously, it wasn't okay. Meredith must have–geez, what had Meredith done? Alexis was safe, not in trouble, or Castle would already be on his way out there, that, Kate was sure of.
"I don't know why I'm even surprised." He gave a sudden brief laugh that wasn't at all humorous. "It's like the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. This is just what Meredith does and somehow I'm still surprised."
"But Alexis is okay, you said."
"Alexis is fine. She's stopped expecting much from Meredith. I'm the one who gets upset."
Kate inwardly flinched again, over Alexis this time, the thought of the girl essentially giving up on her own mother.
"It's such a short visit, only two full days, and it's not like Meredith spends much time with Alexis as it is. It was fine yesterday, they spent the day shopping, as usual, but today… Meredith found out that some bigwig director is throwing an impromptu party tonight and Meredith never misses that sort of thing, loves the glamor of it, the chance to schmooze and suck up to the big names who might be able to give her the big break she's always wanted. So she's going to the party."
Kate frowned. She knew next to nothing about Hollywood parties but she couldn't imagine they would be appropriate for a teenager, not with the amount of alcohol and possibly less legal substances she imagined would be involved.
"Alexis isn't going. Meredith suggested it but was happy to accept Alexis's assurance that she didn't want to go, would rather stay home and watch a movie or something instead but Meredith herself is still going. Leaving Alexis alone all evening," he bit off.
It was no wonder Castle was angry. Alexis might technically be old enough to be left home alone but even so, Castle didn't like to leave her alone in the evenings if he could help it. And more importantly, this was, as he'd said, such a short visit and Meredith apparently couldn't–didn't care enough to–spend those days with only her daughter. And this when Meredith hadn't even seen Alexis in more than six months. That was… Kate couldn't think of a word to do justice to just how wrong, how utterly incomprehensible, Meredith's actions were. How could Meredith care so little about spending time with her one and only child?
Kate hadn't even met her baby yet and she couldn't imagine ever letting her baby go.
"Meredith always does this. She would promise to visit and then something else would come up and she'd cancel. She'd invite Alexis to visit so I'd take Alexis out but when we got there, Meredith would be busy most of the time so it was still just Alexis and me, spending time in LA together."
Oh god, Kate really detested Meredith. She was starting to think the next time she went to the shooting range, she would put a picture of Meredith on the target. Not that she was even going to the shooting range anymore, thanks to her condition, but the sentiment was still true. She didn't say this to Castle. "Poor Alexis."
Castle sighed. "Alexis used to cry about it when she was younger and I hated that. But in the last few years, I think since Alexis was around 10 or so, she just… gave up so she doesn't expect anything from Meredith anymore, accepts what she gets from Meredith and leaves it at that, as if anything better than nothing is just fine and sometimes, I think that's even worse than seeing her cry, if that makes sense."
"It does make sense." Kate's whole chest ached with an almost physical pain. Children should not have to give up on their parents like that. It wasn't the same thing, not at all, but she suddenly remembered the bad years, the years when her dad had been drowning, how much it had hurt when she had given up on her dad. She'd hated it, there had been times when she'd thought she almost hated her dad too for making her feel that way, for being so unwilling and unable to save himself, hated herself for not being able to save him. She inwardly shuddered a little at the memories, forcibly pushed them aside. This wasn't about her and her dad was fine now, recovered, well and happy and hopeful, she reminded herself.
Castle lifted his hand to her cheek, meeting her eyes. "All these years, every time Meredith disappointed Alexis, I swore to myself that I'd never do that again, never let a child of mine go through that again. I promised myself that if I ever had another kid, it would be with someone who would love the kid as much as I would, someone who would be a real mom, the way Meredith never was."
Oh. Oh, Castle. She felt tears pricking at the back of her eyes, her throat tightening with stupid emotion. "It's not your fault that Meredith is the way she is."
"Maybe not but it doesn't make it easier to see Alexis hurt. And I never wanted to go through that again."
She choked a little. "You didn't plan for this baby–"
He cut her off by resting his finger over her mouth. "Ssh, that doesn't matter. Even from the beginning, that day when you first told me about the baby, I was happy because it was you and I knew I could trust you. Whether we were together or not, I knew you'd be a real mom, a good mom, and I never doubted that for a second. And now, being here with you like this, it's just… amazing."
Oh, oh damn, she couldn't even see him anymore through her tears and then he was gathering her in his arms as she buried her face in his jacket. "Did you have to make me cry?" The words came out wobbly, with something like a watery hiccup.
He wrapped his arms around her, smoothing a hand over her hair. "I just wanted you to know how much I meant it when I said I'm happy about this baby, our baby. I've always been happy about it."
Another hiccuping sob escaped her before she could muffle it and she kept her face hidden against his shoulder. It was so silly to be crying over a compliment–the most beautiful compliment anyone had ever paid her–but still, a compliment. It wasn't something to cry over. Even after all these months, she couldn't get used to how easily and how often tears came to her these days.
His tone shifted a little. "Besides, you're cute when you cry."
She choked and lifted her head, giving him as much of a narrow-eyed look as she could manage (with limited success), one that he met with wide-eyed innocence. "I am not cute." He might be (not that she would admit it to him) but she was a mature grown-up and a homicide detective–she was not cute.
Predictably, Castle only gave her one of his insouciant smirks. "You are to me."
"I don't know how I put up with you." Although she knew the attempted snark was not matched by her tone.
"It's because I'm charming and ruggedly handsome," he supplied.
"Eh, maybe," she pretended to think about it. "You're not terrible to look at but really, I think it's because you bring me coffee and tea and you feed me." She was teasing, of course, but in a way, the words were also true because it was the way he'd started to bring her coffee that had softened her towards him, those first sweet gestures that had shown at least a little of the genuine caring he was capable of.
"Is that a hint that you want a snack?"
"Look at that, he can be taught," she declaimed to the air.
He huffed a laugh before pretending to chivvy her towards the gate to his house while she pretended to allow herself to be pushed forward, if only for the sake of making him laugh, of being able to see how bright his eyes were, without even a trace of the shadows brought on by Meredith earlier. As always, she was happy to have made him laugh, happy to have been able to cheer him up and comfort him. Just… happy to be with him.
Little did she know that just a bare week later, she would find herself wishing that they could go back in time, wishing that she could recapture that kind of certainty, that confidence in their relationship.
~To be continued…~
A/N 2: Apologies for the cliffhanger ending but I couldn't resist it. Thank you, as always, to all readers and reviewers.
