The Burden of Love: Let's face it all...

by tarskeewee08

"What do you think it all means?" she asked watching John go through the pictures studying them. He turned them over and found the cops names written in black felt tip marker on the back. Looking at the list confused he chewed on his bottom lip "How many cops killed in the last year?"

Evangeline sipped her martini feeling more relaxed "Only four…but there are more than 15 pictures in that box."

"This makes no sense" John said dropping the pictures in the box and reaching for his beer.
"Why doesn't it? Apparently these men were next….and Cletus was following them"
"Cletus is a 16 year old kid riding around with a notebook watching local beat cops. This was planted….I bet if you check with him he won't know anything about it. Ryan knew that his name would come up. He gave the grandmother a card. Then he goes into the room probably with the bag she said he left with and left the evidence. Something else is at play"

Evangeline stared at the box "So they want us to believe that Cletus was hunting cops. That he took all these photos and created this list?"

"I guess….but the thing I don't get is if that's the effect then what's the cause? Why did those cops have to die? What is Barnaby hiding that he had to kill them through Ryan and develop this plan? And even still is it over?"

Evangeline put down her martini and sighed. "I don't know and my head hurts" she moaned closing her eyes.

John looked over at her leaning back in the sofa her eyes closed. He studied her face and saw the exhaustion on it. Lowering his beer he reached for her feet pulling them onto his lap. She opened her eyes and smiling at him.

In the past when they finally unwound from the day he would use his magic fingers to work out her stress through a foot massage. Sighing at the erotic touch of his thumb pressing into the ball of her foot as his hand rotated it she recalled their love and ached for it. In this moment she wanted her man back more than ever.

John spent ten minutes on each foot and Evangeline soon was lulled into a semi sleep state. Lowering her feet she opened her eyes groggily and lsat up. "Sorry…."

Sitting back he moved closer to her and she smiled at his approach. "I'm in love with you Van"

"I know John…."she said averting her eyes "I believe you"
"What I'm trying to say is that I want you back, I want you to let me in." he said sliding his hand across her belly.
Evangeline looked down at his hand rubbing against her middle and felt the comfort they always brung when he touched her. "John…"

Leaning over his kissed the inside of her neck and she closed her eyes to the sensation. "John…"
"Van I've missed you so much….I need you." he said sliding his hand across her waist and pulling her to him, kissing her neck more passionately. She pushed against his shoulder frowning. "John…."

"It's okay….we can…."
"NO Dammit!" she snapped pushing him away
John looked at her hurt "Evangeline what is it? It's not about the grief there's something more going on."

Evangeline glared at him "How could you not know! My god are you that damn selfish!" she shouted getting up and walking away. John got up and went after her grabbing her wrist "Hey….talk to me!"

Turning she looked at him with her face in pain. "You took her to bed"
John stared at her confused "Natalie?"
Evangeline snatched her hand away "Yes dammit! The one thing that was ours, the thing that we shared and expressed our love through you gave to her….after all we'd been through you made love to her!"

"I never made love to Natalie….."
"What?" Evangeline said disgusted. "Are you going to say you two just played footsies?"

"Not what I mean….."
"I don't care what you mean! You slept with her and I can't stomach the idea of you touching me!" she blurted out surprised to hear it herself.

John stepped back wounded "Evangeline….I"
"NO! There it is….out in the open. Now it's your turn…tell me how after seeing me turn myself inside out loving you. How is it possible that you could then turn to her and take her to bed? Our bed you asshole!" she shouted shoving him.

Running his hand through his hair he blew out a breath and shook his head sadly "I was running Van…"

"No correction you were fucking!" she snapped turning and walking away.
John stormed after her and as she tried to close the door he blocked it with his hand pushing it open. She turned around shocked and frowned at him. "Get out!"

"Let me explain some things to you! First of all I never made love to her. NEVER. I just gave her what I thought she needed from me. To make up for the hell I brought to her life"

Evangeline laughed folding her arms and looking angrily with tears in her eyes "Well that explains it John….thanks for clearing that up! I mean we all know that her needs were more important than mine and yours as well."

"Would you just be quiet? For 10 minutes just shut up and listen….can you do that?" he snapped

Evangeline glared at him "Go to hell!"
"Too late I've been there and they don't want me anymore than you do!" he said his eyes glossing over with his own pain from her rejection.

Evangeline stared at him and he wanted to reach for her "I treated you horribly and I wish I could stand here and say my intention was never to hurt you. Because in all honesty I never wanted too, but I never saw you Van, not the woman that you are. I felt you and enjoyed you but I never saw you. Funny it's only now that I'm learning who you are and falling in love with you the right way. But baby you are scaring the shit out of me by pushing me away. This is our shot….."

"Why because I'm broken and you can hang around here and play hero? Save me from my pain and fill that sickness in you that keeps you from loving yourself."

John sighed "No, because I'm no longer broken. I no longer hide behind my fears and I can for the first time appreciate what a woman like you brings to a man's life. I can respect it and cherish it….I don't need to save you. What I am doing is what's required when you love someone. You put them first. Have I ever done that in the past? NO! But nothing in hell or heaven will keep me from doing it for you now." he said reaching for her but she backed up.

"You slept with her, dammit you slept with her John!"
"I can't change that. I can't give you one plausible reason why other than the sick ones I used to justify it to myself"
Evangeline put her hand to her head, "Just leave my room and let me sleep"
"I want to get passed this. We have to get passed this" he said softly
"Why you that damn needy to take me to bed!" she said angrily

"No…because this wall between us widens with your distrust of me and I can't loose you again" He said going to her trapping her in front of the night stand next to the bed. She looked into his eyes defiantly and stood her ground. "I won't let you in…..my body is my temple and it won't be used…."

He moved the loose strands that hung in her face "What are you talking about I never used your body…….What we share in love making is not something vile or empty…..you know that" he said smiling at her affectionately and seeing through her bravado.

"You made it empty when…."
John got in her space "I admit it was wrong to think that after sleeping with her and flaunting it in your face that I could access to your love, your passion again." he said running his finger down the side of her face seductively.

"Move…"
"I was wrong Van, for thinking that this soon you could give into this burning need within the both of us to feel each other again" he said leaning and brushing his lips across hers. Evangeline eyes fluttered and so did her stomach. "I won't let you….." she whimpered.

"You're scared and you're hurt." he said slipping his arms around her waist and pulling her to him holding her tightly. She tilted her head and looked up into his clear blue eyes. "Don't…."

"Why, because in my arms you feel the truth. That no matter who I was with or who you were with it can never touch what we share?"

"I never gave into another man. Its you that found it so easy to replace me" she said pushing against him but he held her tighter and she could feel his heartbeat through his chest. It was racing and he was stiffening, even in fighting with her he wanted her.

"You could never be replaced and Natalie didn't even come close. My desires and passion always lied with you, but I'd lost you and I was too stupid to do what was needed to have you. I was wrong. But please start now, in this moment, start working toward forgiving me. Because I can't let you go Van, I can't loose you again."

"I need time and less pressure from you…." She said turning her head afraid with the way he held her he'd try to kiss her and she'd allow it.

He let her go "The next move is yours then baby, I won't put my hands on you again. When you are ready you'll come to me……just like in my dreams" he said softly.

Evangeline looked at him confused by the comment and he smiled sweetly at her turning and the walking out of her room and closing her door. For a long moment she stood rooted to the spot digesting what he said. Ultimately she could do what he did and push him away, but they both loose. He really hurt her and she wasn't going to pretend that just because he's here now the past years didn't happen.

He did what he did for his own selfish needs and she couldn't let go of that, at least not yet. Crawling onto her bed she let silent tears fall grabbing her pillow hugging it in a fetal position. She put the pillow between her legs and forced away the heat that burned there just from that brief contact. He won't get off that easy.

Evangeline stood on the curb as John paid the cab. She wore a black pants suit under her long black coat with a black crotched skull like cap. It was four in the morning and the cold was paralyzing she could barely close and open her gloved hands. Travelers catching the early flights at O'Hare were pouring onto the curb pushing past her going in. Reaching for the handle of her suitcase she smiled at John as he approached. She was so happy that he was going with her. John threw his big suitor bag strap on his shoulder and grabbed her suitcase handle from her hand. "You ready babe?"

She nodded and fell in line with the others going through the automatic door. Walking down the isle they went to a kiosk for Delta and printed out their airline tickets then dropped their bags off at the counter. Going to security they went through the process and when they headed to the terminal he grasped her hand. She held his tightly walking through the airport catching the side glances women gave him as they passed.

He paid it little attention and questioned her about how big the airport was. Seeing him in his black long trench walking confidently down the terminal was tempting. He remained the sexiest man she'd known.

When they found their gate she sat as he went to the starbucks they'd passed earlier to get coffee. She thought of Charlotte and how she would never see her again. Shifting uncomfortable she sighed deeply. Charlotte was her friend and she wanted this nightmare to go away.

"Here you go…" he said passing her the coffee
"Thanks John" she said softly
He smiled and drank his leaning back "So do we go straight to Charlotte's mom place when we land or to our hotel?"

"I think we should go to the hotel and get settled, then head over there. We will of course have to stop and see mom."

John chuckled "That should be fun"
Evangeline elbowed him "I called her and told her you were coming. She and uncle clay have been warned."
John nodded "Won't make a difference, but they don't scare me!" he said dismissively.

Evangeline smiled. Looking back at the passing passengers she thought about last night. He said he wouldn't make any advances on her and she wasn't bold enough to face her pain in that way. Somewhat disappointed she couldn't rebuff his touches anymore she smiled. Be careful what you ask for.

"What are you smiling at?" he asked looking at her suspiciously.
"Nothing…..I'd like you to tell me about these dreams you keep referencing."
"There just my fantasies about us."
"Fantasies?"
"Yes….me and you in each other arms and you feeling safe there"

Evangeline looked away blushing "Oh…."
John smiled at her. "Hey, its okay…..that's what dreams are….your escape from reality. In my dreams our past doesn't matter because our future is too important to us both. We take a leap of faith and the outcome is something so much more profound that what we had before."

Evangeline drank the lot dark liquid swallowing his words as well. "Dreams…." She mumbled pulling the cup from her lips and staring at the circular lipstick impression on her starbucks lid.

John nodded "That's right baby dreams…."

Getting in the rental car John asked her where to go to find a hotel near her neighborhood. Evangeline talked him through it and pointed out spots she frequented in Philly. John was pretty familiar having been to the city of brotherly love several times. They talked mostly about the case and why Barnaby would still have a murder lust for cops that trusted him.

John called the station to say he'd be gone for three days and Barnaby was more than accepting of it. He spoke to Grey and inquired about the search warrant. They were executing it today and should have some information from him later.

John drove up to the Sheraton and they valeted giving the concierge their luggage. Evangeline waited while he took care of their rooms dreading going to Charlotte's moms and facing everyone. John didn't know it but she was stalling. Seeing them after her death was too hard for her.

He came over and gave her, her key and told her they had adjoining rooms. She saw the disappointment in his eyes but ignored it. Right now her heart ached and she just didn't feel like much intimacy either way. After getting settled she sat on the flowered mattress in her room and pulled the skull cap from her head letting her hair fall around her face. She needed to gather her strength to bury her friend and it was getting increasingly harder.

The door separating the rooms was unlocked and John knocked on it peeking in. "Hey you ready?" She looked up with tears rolling down her face "I need a minute"

Coming in he leaned against the wall. "We don't have to do this Van, we can just go to the funeral and leave. No one expects you to be perfect."

She looked down "Charlotte deserves more than my tears John. She was a strong woman with very high principals. She didn't believe in the justice system we serve. She only became a lawyer to fight against it and un-right the wrongs on people forgotten and abused because of elitism and prejudices. Do you know she was against the death penalty?"

John smiled at her "No….I didn't"
"We debated it for hours at end. To her one person executed unjustly invalidated the entire system. She wanted us to focus more on cases for death row inmates guilty or innocent to find ways to prevent deaths that she felt man had no place in deciding on."

John walked over and sat next to her on the bed. "She sounds remarkable"
"She was….and then one day she goes to pay a visit to a stranger in hopes of once again helping someone who can't help themselves and her life is snuffed out. Taken as if she didn't matter. And the world as we know it keeps moving unaware that we just lost the most giving person I've ever met."

John put his arm around her and pulled her to his chest. He said nothing just rubbed her arm so she could get it out. "What hurts me John is the way I treated her these past months. Fighting with her about getting paying clients, turning my nose up to some of the cases she piled up on me. I bought into her dreams because I gave up on mine. What kind of person am I and what did she think of me?"

John kissed the top of her head "I didn't meet her, but if she sent for you to start your practice and took you on as a partner she knew exactly what I already do" he said lifting her chin so that he could he stare into her face

"That you are the most giving and caring person I've ever met. That you love with all your heart and you trust with it too. Most importantly you stand on solid principles and gave a hundred percent to those that trusted you with their freedom and lives. To have you on anyone's team Evangeline is for the better. Charlotte knew it and loved you for it."

Evangeline smiled staring at him. For years this man could barely speak her name. Now he spoke so poetically that a word from him chipped away at the ice around her heart. Staring into her eyes she admitted again what she already knew. She loved John McBain now as much as she did before.

Smiling she touched his jaw. "Well Lets go face the family."
"That's right…..lets face it all" he said helping her off the bed.