(GoF) CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE: Temporary Insanity
Padfoot,
I feel the need to remind you, before I go any further, that I love you—and also, that you love me, and that, no matter how mad you get when you read on, you'll remember not to do anything rash, because it would make me very sad (and also mad).
I haven't been entirely honest with you lately. For a long time, actually—since Aleksander Dolohov, the guy from this summer, showed up at Hogwarts with the rest of the Durmstrang boys with photographic evidence of us having been together this summer and claiming to know exactly where you are.
(I should probably be more vague in this letter, but I really just need to get all this out. I'll tell Woodstock to be extra careful with delivery.)
Anyway, Aleks has been blackmailing me since Durmstrang arrived in October. Told me that if I don't date either Cedric or Harry, and subsequently report back to him on both of their plans for succeeding in the Triwizard Tournament, he'd send the photos to the Daily Prophet and give your location to the Ministry of Magic.
So far, I've more or less done what he asked. But it's gotten really hard, and I really just want to be with Fred, and besides that, I'm really starting to worry that my reporting back to him will put Harry and Cedric in trouble.
But I also don't want them to find you or those photos, because then you would end up in Azkaban, Dumbledore would get in trouble for having vouched for me, and I…
Well, can they put fifteen-year-olds in Azkaban? Maybe we could share a cell?
Anyway, whatever you do, please don't do it before talking to me. I want to make a plan and make sure it's flawless before we act. Can we meet again? Week after next, by the fire? Same time as before?
Remember not to be mad at me.
Love,
Your Pup
Ellie didn't tell Fred about the letter. As far as he knew, she was back to adhering to Aleks' demands and just hadn't gotten around to clearing things up with Cedric yet. When he met her and the others in the common room that evening to inform them that Dumbledore had said yes to The Weasleys performing at the Yule Ball, he barely even smiled.
She wanted to tell him. She wanted to make him smile again. But she couldn't bear the thought of getting his hopes up before talking to Sirius and figuring out what they were actually going to do about Aleks.
So, instead, she went to find Cedric the next day and apologize.
Well, she had to. Until she heard back from Sirius about a plan to stop Aleks, she had to keep up appearances—at least enough to stall him.
It wasn't all that hard. He didn't exactly look pleased when he saw her approach his table the following morning, but he didn't look cross with her, either. If anything, he just looked… tired.
She knew a thing or two about that.
"Can we talk?" she asked him meekly.
He glanced at his friends, all of whom seemed to be shooting him stay strong and cut her loose looks. When he turned back to her, though, he nodded and rose to his feet.
They walked in silence until they were out of the Great Hall and out of earshot of the others before, finally, she spoke. "Look, Ced, about yesterday—"
"I get it," he interrupted. "I heard McGonagall's announcement this morning. It's a big deal, your band getting to play. I'm… happy for you."
McGonagall had made an announcement that morning about The Weasleys playing the ball? She must have missed that in her scramble to find clean socks that morning. "Well… thanks."
"We could still go together," he said quietly—almost nervously. "They say the champions take the floor for the first dance, so that's really all you'd have to do with me. Surely they could spare you for one song, right?"
She could hardly believe her ears. He still wanted to go with her, after everything?
He really had it bad.
"Unless… do you even want to go with me at all?"
It was hard to hear him ask that. It was even harder to look into those pretty, pitiful eyes of his. What had she done to him? It was worse than unrequited love—worse even than what Fred had done to her back in her third year. It was… cruel.
She couldn't keep lying to him. She had to get things sorted, once and for all.
But she also had to keep Sirius safe.
"I'm… confused," she said softly. "I always was—I told you that back in September. But I never meant—"
"That was months ago," he interrupted, heat starting to rise to his voice. "You made up your mind. You said this was what you wanted. Have you changed it?"
Tears started to well up in her eyes—tears for his sake, and for the sake of the awful things she had done to him. "I don't know. I'm trying to sort it all out, Ced. I'm trying to be as fair as I can. I—"
"You want to be with me or you don't." His voice was firm. "It's that simple."
It was, and yet it was anything but. "I just… need some time." It was risky, but if he had it as bad for her as he seemed to, maybe it would work? "A week or two. Just to sort out my head. Do you think you could give me that?"
His expression darkened. "A week or two of agony, only to be dumped at the end of it and left dateless for the ball I'm required to have a date for?"
She sighed. It wasn't working. It wasn't enough. She had to give him something more. "Look, I'll… I'll go to the dance with you, Ced. I'll let Fred sing the first song and I'll dance it with you. I just can't to lie to you or… or pretend anything until I've sorted—"
"Okay."
She blinked. She could hardly believe it. Just like that, he'd agreed?
"Okay?" she repeated.
He nodded. "Take a couple weeks. Go to the dance with me at Christmas. And then tell me what you've decided."
The next few weeks were even harder than the last few. Ellie did her best to focus on studying for exams, but she had a hard time thinking about anything except the way Fred's face had looked when she told him she was going to the dance with Cedric.
"We're not back together, though," she had said. "So that's something, right?"
But there was no hope in those warm, brown eyes of his.
She still saw him, of course. When she wasn't studying with the golden trio, she was working out melodies with the band, pumping out as many songs as they could in preparation for the ball that was fast approaching.
"You're going to have to write lyrics at some point, you know," Ginny pointed out to her after Fred and George headed up to bed one evening.
She knew. She had a million ideas in her head, but until she knew what would happen with Aleks, she was afraid to put them to paper.
"I don't know what's going on between you and Fred," Ginny said gently when she saw Ellie's expression, "but I do know that you're allowed to write about whoever and whatever you want. Your music doesn't answer to anyone, Ellie, and you don't owe anyone an explanation for the lyrics. Let them make what they want of it—just write from your heart. You always did before, and it never steered you wrong, right?"
Ellie didn't think she'd ever heard her pseudo-sister use such poignant words. She smiled softly. "You're right," she said. "But there is one person I want to involve."
Ginny grinned, rising to her feet. "I'll go and find Neville."
An hour later, Ellie and Neville were the only ones left in the common room, the fire had nearly burned out, and she still hadn't put quill to parchment.
"I think we need to get to the root of the problem here," said Neville patiently. "You say you want to write about your love for Fred, right?"
She'd told him everything. Well, that wasn't true—she'd avoided anything that put the people she cared about at risk. But she'd told him that she loved Fred and that unfortunate circumstances had forced herself to be with Cedric in spite of that.
"Right," she said, biting her lip.
"Well, your love for Fred is complicated, isn't it? It's not as simple as 'you rock my world and I want to be with you forever.'"
She laughed. "You could say that."
"Well, why not write the whole saga? Start with the bad. Get it off your chest. Then move to the good. The ball isn't going to be short—you've got to fill the time somehow."
"But…" She frowned. "Fred's been through a lot this term. The last thing he needs is me singing about him having hurt me a year ago."
"Maybe it's not all about what he needs," pushed Neville. "Would writing about that hurt give you closure?"
She hadn't quite considered that. 24 Hours had certainly expressed her frustration with him and with the pain he'd put her through, but it had also encapsulated the whirlwind of other trauma and complications she'd gone through at the time—namely, leaving Hogwarts to go and live with her escaped convict of a father.
It would hurt to revisit the past, but she had a feeling Neville was right—she had to do it.
"What just happened—did you kiss me?" she sang softly. "'Cause that's a place we've never been until now, and I'm afraid how it's gonna be after this—will you pretend your feelings don't exist at all, and let us fall?"
Neville grinned as he put his own quill to parchment and started scribbling.
By the time she got to the chorus—It's temporary insanity, what's going on with you and me—is it real love, or is fantasy? Forever, or just temporary insanity?—she knew that their concert was going to be one for the history books.
Another Instant Star song, "Temporary Insanity" - give it a listen if you like! This concert certainly will be interesting... but what will Sirius say when he gets back to Ellie in the fire? Only time will tell, and reviews will help!
