*CPOV*
When I saw my ex-wife's number on the caller ID, I sighed with exhaustion that had nothing to do with how much sleep I hadn't been getting lately.
I was sure she was calling to complain again about how Bella hadn't been returning her calls. I thought fast for a believable excuse. It was June. Final exams, right? Yeah, that'd work.
"Renee...hi," I said in a flat tone that I usually reserved for defense attorneys and telemarketers.
"Charlie!" Renee's hysterical voice rang loudly in my ear. Somebody who didn't know her might've been panicked by the alarm in her tone, but I was all too familiar with Renee's theatrics.
"What's the matter, Renee?" I asked impatiently.
"Bella called," she hiccuped. "She was just..horrible, Charlie! Just horrible! I think you need to look into those Cullens. I think they might be some kind of a cult. The things she said, and her voice...it didn't even sound like her. I think they brainwashed her. I've seen documentaries on this sort of thing and-"
"Hang on a minute, Renee. That doesn't sound like Bella. What exactly did she say?" I asked warily.
Then she blubbered her way through the whole story about how Bella furiously took her to task for God only knew how many of her parental failings.
That she didn't want any part of Renee's "do-over at motherhood." That Bella blamed her mother for breaking up our family. And most shockingly, how Bella wished Renee had left her with me as a baby.
I was so thunderstruck that the cordless phone I'd been holding slipped right out of my slackened hand and fell right on my toe.
"Gotdangit!," I yelped as my big toe began to throb. I reached down to snatch the phone off the ground.
"See what I mean? Cult, right?! Has she asked you for money? That's supposed to be a red flag."
"Has she asked me for money? She's rich, Renee," I told her in an exasperated tone. "Did it ever occur to you that maybe she actually is just that pissed off with you? I mean can you really blame her?"
"What the hell is that supposed to mean? Are you the one that's filling her head with this crap?"
I gritted my teeth. She was really starting to get on my nerves.
"I didn't have to fill her head with anything, Renee. She was there. She remembers.
"Christ, you made her feel like such a burden that she uprooted herself in the middle of her junior year so that you could go gallivanting around the country with her stepfather, a guy who's young enough to be her brother! So, no, I don't blame the kid for having some pent-up hostility."
I only said it because I wanted to hurt her, and even though Bella would probably make me regret it, I added, "Maybe spending so much time around Esme has made her realize how much she missed out on in the mom department."
"Fuck you, Charlie," Renee spat, and then the line went dead. I snorted and smirked, a little smug. The batty woman never could handle criticism. It would seem that the last twenty years hadn't changed that.
I dialed Bella's number. A pit formed in my stomach when a prerecorded message informed me that the number was no longer in service.
Was this the part when my daughter went into the wind, never to be heard from again? It was a nagging fear that I'd carried around with me ever since I found out the truth about what she'd become.
I dialed Edward next.
I let out a sigh of relief when it was Bella that answered.
"Hey, Dad. Sorry if you tried to reach me first...My phone…had a little accident. I'll get you my new number as soon as I get it replaced."
"No worries, kiddo. I get it. My phone had an accident too after the conversation I just had with your mother," I muttered into the phone.
Pressing the receiver against my ear with my shoulder, I cracked open a cold Rainier. The familiar bitter taste of my favorite brew sometimes felt like the only thing in my life that ever just stayed the same.
"Oh geez, I can only imagine what she told you. You must think I'm a monster," she said in a depressed-sounding voice.
Interesting choice of words, I thought with an inward snort.I took another loud swig.
"Seriously, kid? You think I called you to give you a hard time about letting your mother have it?"
When she didn't answer, I said, "Bells, I never thought I'd live to see the day when you held Renee accountable for her bullshit.
"I'm calling to say I'm proud of you, honey. I know how hard that must've been for you. But she needed to hear it, and I'll bet it sure felt damn good to get it off your chest, huh?"
"Not as good as I imagined," Bella admitted. I could just imagine her biting her lip the way she always did whenever she was wound up about something.
"Yeah, I guess it never does. Anyway, I also wanted to tell you that, uh, I was really touched when Renee said you wished she would've left you here in Forks with me.
"Not a day has gone by that I don't regret not fighting harder for you. Back then judges didn't award custody to fathers very often. And I couldn't afford a lawyer while also paying for your grandma's nursing home," I explained regretfully. None of the excuses sounded good enough anymore.
Then I blew out a sigh at the futility of wishing things had gone differently and finally muttered, "But if you ask me, I think I got the better end of the deal."
"Aw, Dad," Bella said, sounding a little choked up. "Don't beat yourself up. It all worked out the way it was supposed to."
I couldn't agree that it all worked out the way it was supposed to…But at least I got my girl back. And at least she wasn't blaming me for messing up her life, though there was plenty of blame to go around.
"Ya know, Dad, when I left Phoenix to come live with you, I told myself and everyone else that it was so Renee could be with Phil. And that was true…But I think some part of me knew that I'd be better off with you. I just couldn't admit it to myself back then."
"I know a little something about keeping myself blinded to realities I don't want to face," I chuckled a little ruefully. "You probably got it from me."
As I was speaking, I caught sight of the flight itinerary for my upcoming trip to San Francisco that was stuck to the fridge with a magnet.
"That reminds me, my flight is booked to visit you next month. It's just going to be me this time. The big news around here is that Seth imprinted on a girl at school, Sarah. Turns out she was carrying a pretty big torch for him, too.
"Seth doesn't want to leave Sarah's side even long enough to shower. You wouldn't believe the stench coming out of your old room... Sue is doing her best to make sure that he doesn't cause a teenage pregnancy scandal down on the rez...
"A grandchild is the very last thing we need right now, dammit!" I groused, running a hand through my hair that was starting to show more salt than pepper around my temples.
*BPOV*
"Seth imprinted? That's crazy!" I exclaimed, secretly wishing Charlie had called with news of a different wolf imprinting. If it had to be Seth, at least it was with someone his own age, I thought with a sigh.
"Well, you don't have to worry about grandbabies from me," I kidded, relieved to not be the source of Charlie's concern for once. But then I grimaced. Edward, who was sitting next to me in the car, had obviously heard that and stiffened.
Desperate to change the subject, I asked, "What are your dates? Do you have a hotel reservation yet?"
"I'll be there the second weekend in July, and no, not yet."
"Great! I'll take care of it," I insisted, making a mental note to make a reservation at the Ritz-Carlton just over in Half Moon Bay.
It would be the closest thing Charlie had to a vacation in years. He'd pretend to hate all the luxury, but I was absolutely certain that he would survive a fuzzy robe, slippers, a mint on his pillow, and waking up to the soothing sounds of the Pacific Ocean washing over the sand.
"You don't have to do that, Bells…" Charlie protested.
"If you're not going to let me talk you into staying with us, then you are going to let me arrange your accommodations. Not negotiable," I said haughtily.
I could practically hear Charlie rolling his eyes. "When did you get so bossy?" he snorted.
"I've learned it's the only way to get anything accomplished when dealing with stubborn people," I retorted with an amused smirk.
*EPOV*
As we drove into town to replace Bella's cell phone, I tried not to let her offhand
remark about her infertility bother me. If it didn't bother her, I wasn't going to let it bother me.
Then I was hard-pressed not to laugh when she said that being bossy was how she combatted Charlie's stubbornness. Funny, because it never worked when I tried it.
In my experience, ordering Bella around only ever made her dig her heels in more. I guessed the difference was that Charlie was just as wrapped around her finger as I was.
As my attention bounced between her conversation and the silent thoughts of the strangers around me in neighboring cars, my head turned back to Bella with a snap when she screeched, "You told her WHAT?"
"Dad," Bella's voice was full of reproach, her face lined with distress. "Wasn't it enough that I told Mom I didn't want her in my life without you piling on?!"
My brows furrowed with confusion. I hadn't been paying enough attention. When Bella's eyes darted over to me, I mouthed the question, "What did he say?"
She opened her mind to me, playing back the snippet of conversation in her head.
Charlie had admitted with no small amount of satisfaction that Renee probably wouldn't be speaking to him for a while, either.
"Uh oh, how come?" Bella had asked.
"Because I might've suggested to her that by spending so much time with Esme, maybe you were starting to realize how much you missed out on in the mom department," he unashamedly explained.
I winced. I was no big fan of Renee's, but that had to sting. And was hardly fair. What mere mortal mother could stack up to Esme?
But I supposed he'd earned the right to speak his mind, too. After all, Bella hadn't been the only one hurt by Renee's actions.
"Wish I could say I was sorry, kid, but she had it coming. You know she thinks you're in a cult? That was the only reason her bird brain could come up with for you being angry with her."
I could hear Bella's teeth grinding in her jaw. It was the only sound she made in the seat next to me where she sat completely and unnaturally motionless. She looked like she wanted to decimate another tree.
"Easy, love. Or we'll be buying two phones today," I whispered with a chuckle.
I didn't care one whit if she broke it; it was more of a gentle reminder that she needed to remember to control her strength when she was feeling emotional. It was good practice for when we started classes at the university in a handful of weeks.
Instantly, Bella's grip softened. "You know what, Dad? You're right. It isn't my job to defend her anymore," she finally said in an icy, detached tone.
Reaching over the center console to give the fisted hand on her lap a consoling squeeze, I murmured, "It never was," in perfect synchronization with Charlie reassuring her of the very same thing.
*BPOV*
"Edward?" I asked while idly turning the box containing my new flip phone around in my hands as we drove the familiar route back home.
"Yes?" He replied with a soft smile as he turned his head to look at me.
"I know you didn't have any family left by the time that Carlisle saved you...but what about the rest of them? Emmett, Rose, Jasper...they all had families that they left behind. How did they deal with never seeing them again?" I asked numbly.
A pained expression flashed across Edward's face, a concerned frown pulled down at the corners of his mouth. When he finally spoke, his voice was very soft and oozing with compassion.
"As harsh as it sounds, I think it might've been...easier for them to grieve for their families when their families already believed them to be dead," he explained, his lips pursing into a thin, flat line.
I nodded contemplatively.
It was my fault this had all gotten so messy. I had been so afraid of causing my parents the devastation of faking my own death that I'd caused another more insidious kind of devastation.
And now my mother would probably go to her grave thinking that I hated her or something.
My sister would grow up thinking that I had abandoned her.
Or maybe Renee would never tell Marathy anything about me at all, the prodigal daughter that never returned. It would be no more than I deserved.
But I had to admit, it was no more than Renee deserved, too. After all, hadn't she walked away from Charlie in pursuit of her own selfish happiness?
Maybe Renee's inherent selfishness had encoded itself into my DNA. Maybe that was why I could never seem to do the right thing by the people who cared about me. It was a disturbing thought.
A slideshow of hurt, disappointed faces flashed behind my eyelids. Charlie. Renee. Phil, Jacob, Billy, Sam, the stranger baby that was my sister. Even Edward. Had my selfish choices left anybody unscathed? And those were just the people I knew.
When I thought about the dozens of strangers who had been cruelly turned by Victoria, and then died at the hands of my family or viciously torn apart by the wolves just so that I could live…
For somebody who had never actually killed anyone before, it sure felt like there was a lot of blood on my hands.
"Penny for your thoughts?" Edward asked quietly as he parked the Ferrari between the Volvo and Carlisle's Mercedes.
I shook my head, not even knowing where to start. "You'd be overpaying," I muttered and let myself out of the car hoping he'd leave it at that.
*EPOV*
I took a moment to compose myself before following Bella back to our cottage. It was obvious she was struggling under the weight of her choices, and it killed me to watch her suffer in silence.
And more than anguish, I felt completely helpless to do anything to console her, which left me feeling frustrated. And my frustration wasn't helping matters any.
As far as I was concerned, she could knock down the whole damned forest as long as she kept letting me in. But a sullen Bella, one that was stronger than me and very nearly as fast, a Bella that kept pushing me away...well, that was a Bella I didn't know how to help.
The frustration started to ebb back around the corners of my consciousness, but I willed it away with a shake of my head.
Edward, do you have a moment? It was Carlisle's mental voice summoning me.
"I'll be just a minute or two, love," I called toward Bella's retreating back.
"'Kay," she acknowledged without turning around. I frowned after her for a moment then turned to blitz up the hill to the main house to speak with Carlisle.
I found him in the entertainment room with Esme watching Australia beat the pants off of Sri Lanka in the Cricket World Cup. Carlisle, who always rooted for whichever team opposed Australia, his native England's biggest rival, switched off the tv with a disappointed sigh.
Esme, who didn't care much for cricket, was busily knitting intricately designed, brightly-colored chemo caps at blinding speed to be donated to the hospital.
"Did you need something, Carlisle? Hi, Esme. Those are beautiful," I greeted, nodding toward the neat stacks of caps next to her on the sectional couch.
"Thanks, hon! You know what they say about idle hands..." she teased with a wink.
"Doesn't she have a gift for needlework? I can only think of one better way to keep those skilled hands busy."
"Carlisle!" chided an abashed Esme, elbowing him in the ribs since her hands were busy.
"I was going to say painting, May. You're a wonderful painter. What did you think I meant?" Carlisle gazed adoringly into Esme's eyes, just barely managing to keep his smile at bay.
Don't you dare tell on me, son, Carlisle thought without looking at me.
I tried to cover the sound of my laughter by clearing my throat but didn't fool either of them.
Esme's lips pursed with exasperation. "Would you just go talk with the boy?! Shoot. You made me slip a stitch."
Carlisle chuckled and draped an arm around Esme's shoulder, pulling her toward him so that he could kiss her on the forehead before he stood up.
"Let's go have a chat in the study, Edward. I've been meaning to catch up with you," Carlisle smiled warmly and motioned with an open palm toward the staircase in a gesture for me to lead the way.
Once inside the room, Carlisle took his usual seat in the brown leather wingback chair behind his desk. I quietly closed the door behind us and lowered myself into one of the two chairs opposite him. I errantly spun the Queen Anne globe that stood decoratively beside his desk.
"How are you, Edward? I'm sorry I've been so absent lately. I'd almost forgotten how unrelenting hospital life can be in a big city," Carlisle mused with an apologetic smile. "How are you and Bella settling in here?"
I distractedly watched the world spin like a polished marble inside of its glossy cherry wood stand.
"Hmm? Oh, the city is great. Bella and I have really enjoyed taking in the sights," I answered inconsequentially.
"I was thinking of taking her on the tour to Alcatraz this weekend since it's supposed to be overcast. I thought the boat ride would be a fun little challenge for her to be around a large group of humans for a short period of time…It'll be open air. Minimal risk..."
"I think that's a wonderful idea! I'm sure she could use the distraction, too."
There it was. What Carlisle really wanted to talk about. Bella. And probably how miserably I was failing to help her pull herself out of the funk she had sunken into as a result of the estrangement with her mother.
I know she's struggling with her grief, and that must be very difficult for you, too-
"It doesn't matter in the least how I feel, Carlisle. She's hurting and I'm useless to do anything about it! And what's worse," I hissed, "Alice has forbidden Jasper from altering her mood in any way because she insists Bella needs to mourn without emotional interference!" I threw my hands up in the air in utter exasperation.
I'm afraid I agree with her on that point. I know it's hard for you to see her so melancholy, son. It's hard for me, too.
But Edward, even if she were still human she'd eventually have to go through losing her mother. It's a sad fact of life, and it's just as hard on the mate, because we feel their pain...May I offer some unsolicited advice?
I leaned forward, elbows on my knees, and placed my head miserably into my hands. "Be my guest," I groaned, "Because I am so out of my depth here!"
Carlisle leaned across the desk and put a comforting hand on my shoulder. He didn't pull it away until I gathered my wits enough to uncover my face and straighten up in my chair.
The best thing you can do for her is just let her feel whatever she feels, and be a soft place for her to land.
That might mean being a shoulder for her to cry on one day and her emotional punching bag the next. It means giving her physical and emotional space when she needs it without taking it personally.
You remember what Esme was like when she was new to this life, Rosalie too…The heightened emotions, the wild mood swings, the aggression...
"But shouldn't it be different for her? She chose this."
That doesn't mean she gets to escape feeling the loss of her human life and everyone in it. Surely you didn't expect that, Edward? Carlisle's brow furrowed with incredulity.
"Of course I didn't expect that! Her misery is exactly what I expected," I growled. It's why I had never wanted this life for her.
Have you ever considered that your guilt is only compounding the problem? Perhaps, Bella doesn't want to confide in you because she doesn't want to burden you with her grief. She's not used to having someone help carry the load...Sound familiar?
I stared idiotically at Carlisle, jaw agape, as I pieced together what tidbits of wisdom he was trying to lead me to. "She's doing the same thing to me as she did to Renee. She doesn't think I can handle it," I surmised.
Carlisle smiled sagely at me. "I have found that people are generally creatures of habit. That's true for vampires, as well."
"Thanks for the chat, Carlisle. I don't know why I didn't see it sooner," I shook my head at my own obtuseness.
Then I was out of my chair and halfway to the door before I had consciously thought to do so. "I need to get back to Bella. I need to straighten a few things out."
*A/N* While writing this chapter, I came across a quote by Emily V. Gordon that was just too perfect:
"Everybody's got baggage, and not just the classic, 'Oh I have so much baggage,' but everyone comes with so much context, and you're not just dating a person: you're dating all their context, too. Part of relationships is negotiating each other's context."
Yikes! The first year of marriage is hard enough without all of the trappings of being a newborn vamp. Bella is about to learn the inconvenient truth that coping mechanisms only work until they don't anymore…Til next time, lovelies! Can't wait to hear what you think. Thank you as always for reading and reviewing!
