*A/N* FF was having some trouble getting out email notifications around the time I posted Chapter 35. Just a heads up in case you somehow missed that email and need to go back and read that one. Without further ado, chapter 36!

*EPOV*

When I first left Carlisle, I couldn't get back to Bella fast enough. But as soon as I had the cottage in my sight, my footsteps faltered and I froze in place. From within its cozy walls, I could hear her practicing some new chords I'd shown her on her guitar.

Did I even know what I was going to say to her? Or how I would even begin to make this right?

How foolish I'd been to think that the childhood trauma Bella sustained left in the care of her negligent mother wouldn't bleed over into other parts of her life.

She'd spent her entire life squelching her own wants, needs, and feelings to make her existence less burdensome for her mother. How arrogant to assume that Bella would behave any differently with me just because I was her husband.

After all, what had I really done to earn her trust in the relatively short time that I'd known her, besides shatter it over and over again and swear to do better?

This entire situation gave me an entirely new appreciation for Emmett. How someone so immense, so physically menacing could convince someone like Rosalie to trust him with her heart after the atrocities she'd endured (at the hands of much lesser men) was nothing short of miraculous.

Their courtship certainly hadn't been immediate. Rosalie was…a toddler vampire, only two years into her new life when she had happened across Emmett being mauled by the bear.

Back then Rosalie was still so difficult to be around, at least for me, because she was still so angry and vengeful and wounded.

She was murderously angry at Royce and his depraved band of thugs for what they'd done to her. She was angry at Carlisle for what he had turned her into. She was angry at me for my rejection and resentful of my gift.

Rosalie relived her brutal attack daily, stoking the flames of her rage until she had the control it required to exact her revenge. When her attackers were finally expunged from this earth, she was calmer, a little more at peace, but not by much.

Newborn Emmett was a welcome distraction. For the first time since she joined our family, Rosalie's thoughts were centered around something besides her pain and rage.

Emmett followed her around like a pup, tail-a-waggin'. She adored the attention, of course, and while she could barely stand to be alone in the presence of men, she didn't mind him so much. Emmett's dimpled grin and affable nature made her smile despite her best intentions not to.

Emmett had had the patience of a hunter. He'd taken his time, coaxed her out of her defensive emotional foxhole with winks and smiles and silly jokes. He'd surprise her with a fistful of wildflowers, roots still attached, with bits of yellow pollen stuck to his dark curls and bushy brows.

He'd also been the one to teach her to fight, so that she'd never feel powerless again, least of all by him.

Emmett was nothing like the men she'd been drawn to before. He didn't lavish her with jewelry and fur coats, at least not at first. None of us could afford those extravagances back then, before Alice's gift made us wealthy.

He wasn't smooth, hardly ever said the right thing. They argued as often as they got along. But there was something about his boyish smile and earnest affection that eventually warmed him to her.

When Emmett proposed for the first time, after spending days trying and failing to crush red hot coals into diamonds in the palm of his hand,.he'd told her on bended knee how he wasn't a rich man, but that with her by his side for eternity, he'd be the richest man who ever lived. And died, he'd teased. A jokester even in the most serious moments.

When she'd surprised them both by saying yes, he improvised by taking the small silver cross he wore around his neck, a gift from his mother, and pinching it gently between two fingers to form a ring. He slid it over Rose's third finger with the promise of a better one as soon as he was able.

Rosalie was vain and materialistic, but she wasn't heartless. When Emmett finally could afford to upgrade the ring, she'd insisted on having the diamond mounted to the little silver cross-turned ring. And when she retired that one for a grander one a few decades later, she wore the original on a chain around her neck, close to her heart, where it remains to this day.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

Carlisle and Esme's love story wasn't without its dark spots, either. My father figure certainly hadn't had an easy task of mending Esme's broken spirit after the abuse and tragedy that had stolen her will to live...But Carlisle was Carlisle. He was gentle and compassionate in everything he did, every word he spoke. A born healer.

Bumbling and obtuse as I seemed to be in matters of the heart, I related much more to Emmett. Or Lennie from Of Mice and Men. Big, dumb Lennie who loved rabbits so much that he cuddled them to death, snapping their fragile little necks in his too-tight grasp.

I had loved Bella to death. Lured her to my underworld where she would remain for eternity.

And now she was grieving the loss of her mother, step-father, and sister who were very much alive, and the friends she'd never see again.

And whether she believed it or not, she was (or would be) grieving the children she'd never bear. All because incredibly, impossibly, she had given up everything just to be with me. Forever.

No pressure, eh, Eddo? I snorted with derision.

Back when Bella was human, whenever the argument had come up, it always resulted in the same old stalemate. Because every time I tried to convince her that I wasn't worth the sacrifices she would make (because I wasn't, not by a long shot), she just threw it back in my face that I would have done the same thing for her if our positions were reversed.

Yes, I would have unequivocally given up my humanity to spend eternity with an immortal Bella. But it wasn't the same, dammit!

It was a false equivalency that she failed to see because of the ridiculous way she regarded me. As if we were so-called equals. I knew the truth. Had always known it. I could never be Bella's equal. How could I? Good, kind, pure as she was.

But there was no going back now. I only had but one choice, one monumental task that lay before me. I had to somehow be worth it. For Bella. So that her sacrifice would never be in vain.

*BPOV*

When Edward didn't immediately follow me back to our place, I knew someone must've mentally beckoned him up to the house. That was life with a mind-reader, constantly reacting to things I couldn't see or hear. You got used to it after a while.

This time I was glad for it. I desperately did not want to have the conversation that had been brewing in the car. I felt crappy enough as it was for how I left things with Renee, for all of it. I just couldn't handle another Edward Cullen guilt-fest.

It didn't seem to matter how many times I tried to tell him that I had no regrets, that I didn't blame him for anything. He blamed himself enough for the both of us. And I didn't want to think about what it would do to him if I didn't have the mental energy just now to try to convince him otherwise.

I knew it would be hard, letting her go. But I couldn't have imagined how hard.

The truth is... I would have agreed to just about anything to keep Edward forever. The alternative was unfathomable. Much more unfathomable than saying goodbye to my parents, a reality I knew I'd have to face someday anyway.

As a human, I knew one thing with a certainty that I felt deep in my bones. Nothing could hurt me more than losing Edward. There was nothing I wouldn't have agreed to pay to keep him forever.

I wrote a blank check for my immortality without taking the time to fully grasp what I'd be giving up. It was easy to do when I could just keep kicking the can down the road.

But now payment had come due, and the cost was much more staggering than I ever could have imagined. I was staggered. Like a doe the moment after I sank my teeth into her throat, wide-eyed and panting.

I would never in a thousand years admit this to Edward, but he had been right to worry about the toll this life would take on me. My dull human senses could have never imagined the depth of the pain I'd feel. The loss.

He was right to worry. Nevertheless, I was right to have chosen this life. I'd known worse heartache. I'd get past this. But Edward...Edward had never had put me back together before, not really. Not like this.

Something else that I'd never admit to him (I was trying hard, and failing, to admit it to myself) was that Edward wasn't as good at it as Jacob was. And that was ok because Edward was better than Jake in a thousand and one other ways that mattered more.

But as I sat despondently strumming my guitar, pressing the instrument against my abdomen as if to keep my gutted insides from falling out, I had to admit that Edward's arms were not the ones I wanted to feel wrapped around me just then. The acknowledgment only served to make the suffocating feelings of guilt sit heavier on my chest.

"Starting to sound really good, love!" Edward encouraged as he slipped inside the front door, his voice overdone with approval. He hesitated there at the door for a moment, but then slid behind the keys of his piano, and softly began to accompany me.

I'd been learning to play a lot of Green Day lately because they were a band that I'd always enjoyed. And also because, novice guitarist that I was, their songs mostly consisted of simple power chords. This time it was "Wake Me Up When September Ends."

Edward played along, expertly filling in the melody in perfect accord with my amateurish strumming, never seeking to overpower or outshine.

I could feel him so strongly then, the way he wordlessly poured himself into the music. The notes wrapped around me as tangibly as if he'd taken me into his arms, soothing as a balm.

Though my eyes were closed, I could feel his gaze locked on me over the shiny black lid of his piano. When my lashes finally fluttered open and I allowed my eyes to meet his, Edward's endless golden gaze was steeped in so much love and devotion that my breath got stuck in my throat and my fingers faltered on the strings.

The final notes of the song hung heavily in the air between us. The sour note I'd erringly played marred the mournful ending, making it sound somehow unresolved.

"Bella…" he started to say at the same time as I uttered his name. We laughed a little awkwardly at ourselves, like two people doing that little dance when they're trying to walk by each other but keep getting in each other's way.

"Come for a run with me?" he suggested a little timidly, a little unsure.

I nodded and set my guitar in its stand. I could refuse him nothing. And besides, what else did I have to do? We took to the woods. I followed Edward due south into Big Basin Redwoods State Park.

This area used to be crawling with nature-lovers who came out in droves with their dogs, kids, and mountain bikes to explore the park's eighty miles of hiking trails that crisscrossed over 10,000 acres of old-growth forest.

Wildfire damage, however, had left many of the trails in dangerous disrepair, unsafe for humans but perfect for a couple of roving vampires looking to blow off a little steam.

I could see why Edward enjoyed this so much. When I ran, it was easy to think of nothing else except the wind in my hair, the spongy, damp earth at my feet, and the soft brush of russet bark that glanced off my skin as I raced past the towering ancient redwoods.

When we got to nowhere in particular, some untold hundreds of miles away, the movement of Edward's legs, so fast that even my sharp new eyes couldn't clearly delineate their shape, slowed from a sprint to a stride and finally came to a halt.

I came to a stop beside him, raising my eyebrows expectantly as if to say "What now?"

"I didn't really have a plan or a destination in mind," he admitted, sheepishly digging the toe of one sneaker into the ground.

"I just wanted some alone time with you. We don't have to talk about anything you don't want to. We don't have to talk at all," he shrugged impassively.

Then I felt his smooth, graceful fingers lace in between my own, grasping my hand to his. "I just want you to know that I'm here with you. For you. In whatever mood you feel like being in. I'll take you any way I can get you, Mrs. Cullen. You never have to put on a happy face for me."

My heart broke for him then. Edward was trying so hard to be what I needed him to be. Somehow, while I'd been wallowing over what I'd lost, I lost sight of what I'd gained. And he was standing right in front of me, holding my hand.

"Thank you, Edward. I know you are," I promised with a tight smile, squeezing his hand.

Edward's brow furrowed slightly. His smile was not a happy smile.

"With all due respect, love, I don't think you do. I think you've spent so long trying to be strong for other people that you don't know what it is to lean on someone else. At least," he amended with a pained frown, "not on me."

I opened my mouth to argue but he held up a finger to stop me. "You might be stronger than me for the moment, love…" he murmured, making a faint impression of his crooked smile.

Then, before I knew what was happening, he was sweeping me up into his arms. "But I'm still strong enough to carry you," he said in a voice that was nearly a growl. "Let me carry you, Bella," Edward pleaded.

A sob-like noise wrenched out of my throat as I buried my face into the side of his neck, half strangling him with my arms. "I will," I whispered hoarsely into his ear as I clung to him.

And just like that first time when I unknowingly lowered my shield in the safety and warmth of Edward's arms, I could feel the protective layer start to unravel at the edges, letting him in.

We stood there in the darkening woods, wrapped around each other. I heard the sound of Edward's sharp intake of breath and then felt the naked vulnerability of him inside my head.

I didn't hold anything back. I let him share in all of the pain, guilt, and fear I'd been staggering under the weight of. Edward didn't break or buckle, he didn't even flinch. He only held me tighter, whispering "I've got you," into my hair over and over again like a mantra.

And after we held each other like that for what could have been minutes or hours, I did feel lighter somehow. Like the heavy blanket of grief I'd been wearing had lost some of its filling.

I should've known Edward would be better at this than I gave him credit for. I just needed to give him the chance.

*EPOV*

Bella let me carry her like that all the way home, securely in my arms, snuggled tightly against my chest. I didn't let her go until we were home and I was lowering her into a steaming hot bubble bath. I quickly disrobed and stepped inside the tub, sitting down behind her.

She settled between my legs, resting her head against my shoulder as I gently scrubbed the pale porcelain of her arms and shoulders with a natural sea sponge.

"Bella, I can never thank you enough for choosing me. For choosing us over your beautiful human life. I will always honor you and the sacrifices you've made, and I will never stop trying to make your future as bright and happy as you've made mine. I love you, Bella," I said earnestly, squeezing her tightly around the middle.

"You are my life now," she said simply, hugging my arms that hugged her torso.

I'd heard the words before, had said them myself the first morning that she woke up in her little bedroom and I was still there. It was how I responded when she curled up in my lap on the rocking chair and told me for the first time (in a conscious state) that she loved me.

You are my life now. It seemed to convey how I felt better than anything else did at the time (without completely scaring her off in that early stage of our courtship.)

I tilted my face forward to kiss Bella's shoulder, her neck, and the hollow behind her ear. She purred in contentment.

I wasn't trying to start anything given the somber mood of the afternoon, but I couldn't help the way her sounds affected me. When Bella felt my arousal stiffening against her lower back, she reacted with a stifled snicker.

"The trouble with being eternally seventeen," I sighed a bit ruefully. "I'm sorry, love...we don't have to-" I started to say but stopped short when I was interrupted by the sound of a groan, my own, as she slipped a hand behind her back and took me into her hand.

"I like that I can still do this to you even when I'm all sad and pathetic," Bella smirked and languidly stroked her hand along my length.

"Your words, not mine. But, as I said, I'll take you any way I can get you," I rasped, my voice strained by the pleasure of her touch. I swept the dark curtain of her hair over her shoulder and lavished the other side of her neck and shoulder with soft, suckling kisses.

Bella moaned low in her throat at my attentions, and the sultry sound made my already impossibly hard erection throb almost painfully in the silky-smooth palm of her hand. I traced my tongue over the slightly raised scar over her carotid artery.

It was remarkable how many people could be hurt by such a small, superficial laceration. I lingered there, paying my respects to those who lost Bella so that I could keep her forever.

Hooking an arm around her waist, my fingers slipped between the soft skin of Bella's thighs and up to her apex, slowly enough that she had ample time to stop me if she so desired. On the contrary, she bucked her hips towards my encroaching hand and whined when I took my time.

With my lips pressed against the long, graceful column of her throat, I chuckled at her impatience. Always so eager.

My other hand traveled up the shallow ridges of her ribcage to palm the soft swell of her breast. I gently pinched the stiffened tip between my thumb and forefinger making Bella gasp and squirm under my touch.

"Hmm," I hummed into the sweet-smelling skin of her neck. "Is this what you need, my Bella? I'll make you feel so good you won't remember what you were trying to forget," I promised.

I circled her swollen bundle of nerves with the pad of my thumb for a protracted moment before I slid first one, then two long, slender fingers as deep inside of her as I could manage given the awkward position of my wrist.

"Please…Please!" Bella keened as she thrust her hips toward my hand in search of more friction.

"Uh uh, love. Not yet," I teased, as I withdrew from her and instead used the tips of my fingers to brush over her most sensitive areas with a feather-light touch, painting her with her own sweetness. "I haven't had my fill of you, yet," I purred, shifting my position so that I could crane my neck forward and capture one of her nipples into my mouth.

Bella whimpered with frustration. Dark laughter rumbled low in my throat. As if I could ever deny my goddess anything.

As fast as a lightning strike, I tucked her legs against her chest and spun her around in my arms so that she faced me. Then curling my hands around each of her calves, I spread her legs apart and hooked them over the sides of the claw-footed tub, leaving her suspended above me, splayed open, exposed, and vulnerable.

I bit back a laugh when I saw her face as I gazed up at her from below. Bella wore the same bewildered expression as when she'd been a clumsy human and would jump down from my back after a run and fall on her backside. As if she wasn't quite sure how she'd gotten there, but whoever was responsible would surely hear about it.

In her human form, I never would have attempted the maneuver because she would have found the hard, porcelain tub cold and uncomfortable under her delicate, easily-bruised skin. But nothing would feel cold and uncomfortable to her now.

I stared hungrily up at her for a moment, enjoying the view like a famished tourist at an all-you-can-eat buffet. My nostrils flared and venom began to pool in my mouth as the instantly familiar musky scent of Bella's arousal overwhelmed my senses. She was quite literally mouthwatering.

I watched a crystalline bead of water fall off the tip of a dampened lock of her hair, trickle down her chest and into the defined groove that bisected her muscled abdomen. It disappeared into the little triangle of dark curls that adorned her mound.

I leaned in closer, making sure my tongue was in position to catch the droplet when it emerged at the top of her cleft. The high, breathy sound of Bella's sigh as my tongue parted her slick folds was its own form of pleasure.

Pleasing her this way gave me the same sublime satisfaction as composing a sonata. Finding the perfect combination of sensations to drive her slowly and tantalizingly over the edge was like concocting the perfect chord, building the delicious anticipation, note by note, touch by touch. Then a crashing climax, followed by a satisfying resolution.

Making love to Bella, in essence, was making beautiful music, the most beautiful music I'd ever made. I smiled into her softest skin as I watched her from below.

Around the soft swell of her hip, I could see in the vanity mirror behind her, dewy with condensation, how Bella's half-wet hair tumbled down her back as she threw her head back in pleasure. Could see the beautiful arches her body made as she thrust her breasts forward and her hips back.

It made me perversely happy that I was the only one who ever had and ever would lay eyes on the glorious view of Bella from between her silky thighs. She was mine. Mine to worship, mine to please. Mine to taste, torment, and tease. And long before the time I was done with her, her body would be coiled as tight as a spring, begging for release.

"Ed...ward," she panted, her fingers tangled in my hair, tugging lightly. I groaned, both in pleasure and in resignation to what was about to happen, the miscalculation I'd made.

Bracing for a rapidly approaching orgasm, Bella had clamped down with her legs on the sides of the tub. With every additional movement, in surround sound, I could hear the micro-fissures fracturing the porcelain tub around me like thin ice. My hands slid around behind her to cup the rounded cheeks of her ass, supporting her from below.

When the tub shattered around us in snowy white shards, flooding the small bathroom with sudsy bath water, I held perfectly still, not jarring her an inch. So that when I clamped my lips over her and sucked, Bella shattered into pieces right along with the tub.

As her ragged breathing settled into a more regular rhythm, I lowered Bella down so that she was sitting in my lap with her legs folded around me in the wreckage of the tub.

"Well, that's going to be embarrassing to explain," Bella giggled almost drunkenly, resting her forehead against my shoulder.

I chuckled and kissed her hair. The sound of her voice, so relaxed and untroubled, was worth a thousand demolished antique bathtubs and the knowing smirk I'd earn from Esme who would try (but fail) to keep her mildly-mortifying thoughts to herself when she surveyed the damage.

"I'll take care of it," I murmured as I rose to my feet with Bella still in my arms. Stepping around the porcelain rubble, I carried her to our bedroom, wrapping her in a plush white towel as I went.

"What about you?" Bella asked with a note of concern as I set her down on our bed. "Let me take care of you," she offered, her hand drifting southward down my chest. I caught her hand and brought it to my lips to kiss her knuckles.

"Next time. Tonight," and for the next century if I have my way, "is just for you. And I'm not nearly done yet," I grinned devilishly as I ducked under the duvet between her legs making her squeal with laughter as her head fell back against the downy pillows.

*A/N* Happy November, friends! Thanks for your patience in waiting on this update. I have had lots of distractions this week with Halloween, a visit from my mom (who is thankfully the polar opposite of Renee), and my daughter's 3rd birthday. Holy Baby Shark, do they grow up fast!

Then there's the fact that lemons always take me forever to write. You can be reasonably sure if a new chapter takes a while, that it'll be a smutty good time. 😂 Thanks for reading and reviewing! I always look forward to reading your thoughts. Til next time!