Notes: This story is Ino/Lee, a pairing which I honestly don't give a flying fuck about. It's sort of a humorous challenge that lodged in my brain. There will be assorted swearing and sexual references, which means I'll say 'fuck' a lot and there'll be badly-written smut. Oh, and I don't own Naruto and don't really care to. So there.
"Laid"
Part the Second:
In which Lee explains his old practice regimen and Ino stares at him a lot.
"Holy shit, Lee," I ranted once we rounded the corner and I could pull him bodily into an alleyway. "What the fuck did you think you were doing? I asked for a boyfriend not a sex toy, you freaking idiot! I didn't ask you here so you could tell Shikamaru and Chouji – not to mention that skank Temari – about our imaginary sex life! And where the hell did you learn to kiss like that? Are you some sort of idiot savant?"
Rock Lee hesitated only a moment before springing the Nice Guy pose on me again. "Tenten-san and I practiced for a few years," he explained briefly.
"Oh," I said, trying to wrap my brain around that little tidbit of information. "Well, then."
Lee looked at me with an expression of intense sincerity on his face. "I thought I should play the part of an attentive lover, Ino-san."
I eyed him again, trying not to linger long on his facial features, instead focusing on his height and broad shoulders. "Hmm," I said absently. He really wasn't lover material, in my mind, despite his pectoral muscles.
"I guess you didn't like the kiss, then," Lee added, looking gravely disappointed. Disappointed in himself, most likely.
"Er," I articulated. "The kiss was . . ." Searingly, painfully, bone-meltingly, eye-poppingly incredible . . . ". . . fine."
Lee relaxed. "Oh," he said, still sounding disappointed. "I must be losing my touch."
"What!"
"Tenten-san used to tell me is was like fucking with our tongues," Lee explained simply.
Never having heard Rock Lee ever say anything that wasn't excruciatingly polite, the sudden crude verb-choice was startling.
And kind of hot, I had to admit.
"Well," I temporized, my gaze suddenly glued to his mouth. "It was . . . sorta . . . kinda amazing," I grudgingly admitted, wondering if there was any socially acceptable way to get him to do it to me again.
Lee's expression was like the sun coming out from behind the clouds. "Really?" He sounded like an exuberant 12-year-old again.
I stepped a little closer.
"Hey, uh, I think we should, um . . . talk this over," I suggested. "At my apartment."
Lee's sunshine was suddenly replaced by something that was not-quite-a-leer. "Now?"
Inwardly I cringed. I'd never hear the end of it if Sakura ever found out about this.
"Now," I finally said, giving into the irrational urges of my hormones.
I led the way but we didn't quite make it all the way to the flat I shared with Sakura.
When the conveniently abandoned alcove behind the ramen shop appeared, I shoved Lee into the shadows there and leapt at him. He . . . didn't seem surprised.
"Ino-san?" he queried after perhaps ten seconds of my furiously aggressive kisses.
"Shut up," I told him.
Twenty seconds passed and he hadn't yet slipped me any tongue. I pulled back and glared at him with all the force of my anger and frustration.
"Ino-san," he began.
"What the fuck is wrong?" I fisted my hand in the button-down shirt I'd dressed him in and pulled his face down to my level. Good thing I'm tall because he was so tense that he didn't bend far.
"I need to ask you for permission," Lee continued carefully.
"What!" I nearly howled.
"Permission to really kiss you, Ino-san," he explained. "I don't want to scare you."
I glared.
"Or hurt you," he added.
I glared some more.
"I once chipped Tenten-san's tooth," he noted, almost apologetically.
I saw red again, but for a slightly different reason this time.
I bit his earlobe and mumbled, "Permission granted, loser," in his ear.
And at that moment, he seized me, shoved me up against the back door of the ramen shop and . . . well, I guess "kissing" theoretically describes what we did, but kissing usually doesn't involve so many splinters or the first-degree chakra burns on my mouth and neck.
The kiss Lee had staged for Shikamaru, Chouji and Temari's benefits was absolutely nothing compared to this.
It was only when I realized that the reason I could no longer really see Lee was not because my vision was fading but because the sun had set, that I punched him hard in the stomach to get him off of me. He staggered back and without his support, I fell to the ground in a shaky clatter of shoes and kunai.
"Oh, my god," I said fuzzily, unable to enunciate clearly with a mouth gone completely numb.
"I can do better, Ino-san," Lee began, apparently unable to tell the difference between someone completely exhausted and someone in dire need of additional make-out time.
When he made a move to approach me again I threw a kunai at his head. He barely dodged.
"No more," I gasped. "Can't feel my lips. Or my feet."
"Ah." Lee nodded knowingly. "This happened sometimes with Tenten-san too."
I hauled myself to my feet using a trash can for support.
"You should work on your stamina, Ino-san," Lee added.
I threw another kunai.
"I'm going home," I announced.
Lee perked up. "Does that mean I should . . ."
"No!" Despite the chanting of my hormones (jumphimjumphimjumphim) I refused to allow this absurdity to proceed any farther. "I'm going home alone!"
Lee watched me for a moment.
"Are you actually going anywhere, Ino-san?" he asked after I completely failed to take a step.
"In a moment," I said stiffly. My knees shook badly and my feet were still a little numb.
"Here, I'll carry you," he said, coming over and hoisting me up onto his back.
"Put me down," I snapped, but I didn't struggle. It took all of my willpower to keep from latching my mouth onto his neck like some sort of vampire. It was right there in front of me and I could see the muscles flexing as he shifted my weight on his back . . .
Instead of attacking Lee from my perch on his back, I hunched over, hoping no one would recognize me as he carried me out of the alley and onto the bustling Konoha streets.
"So . . ." Lee said after a lot of silence. "Where do you live?"
I mumbled an address and resumed my covert surveillance of his muscles. It was only when he was climbing the stairs to my apartment that I realized what sort of scene could be precipitated should my roommate happen to be home.
"Shit," I muttered.
"Pardon?" he said, still ascending.
"You, uh, know my roommate, right?" I asked.
"No, I don't think so," replied Lee. "Or rather, I have no idea who you live with. Will I get to meet her?"
I gritted my teeth, trying to determine which option was least embarrassing, either an awkward scene between Sakura and Lee when they saw each other at the apartment or Sakura's absence allowing me to cheerfully resume my previous activities with Lee from the back of the ramen shop.
I was so thoroughly fucked.
Of course, I didn't know the half of it yet.
