If I owned Avatar: The Last Airbender, Kula would be canon.
This pairing originated on the DH forums. Babbs came up with it, and youkaislayer classified it. Totally crack, totally wrong. Pretty funny anyway.
Kula
It felt like nothing on the skin of her shoulder.
Hard, smooth nothing, and if she pressed into it, it wouldn't press back, and if she moved away that pressure would, somehow, remain. Without thinking Azula pressed into it, just to see if this was true.
It wasn't.
"Yes?" The dry, lurid drawl brought her back to reality.
"Nothing." She snapped.
Realization came over her and her stomach took an unexpected turn, freezing the scowl on her face. Remembering herself, Azula quickly relaxed and leaned back, careful not to show her vexation further. Her mind had gone back for that split second – back to where she belonged, where she ruled, where if any man dared question her, he would have his throat and tongue burned beyond use.
But not here.
She resisted the sudden, raging urge to throw herself forward and out of this lair. This stupid hole! What filth she must endure, what vile, base drudgery, she, the Fire Lord's daughter, prized jewel of the Fire Nation, must endure…! Trapped here… One day. One day, she would destroy Him. And she would return.
The black thought comforted her, and she smirked, steady once more with the prospects of vengeance to occupy her mind.
The rigid pincer pressed again against her shoulder, bringing back the not-quite-real sensation to her skin. She firmly resisted a shudder.
He could not intimidate her.
But he did…
She blasted away the little voice of doubt that had so irritatingly manifested the first time she had laid eyes on Him. Not even the Avatar, in his full wrath, had made that well-buried imperfection, that fear within her, tremble so violently. Never before had she seen anything so hideous, so wicked, and so like herself in nature that it had made her desire to turn her back and flee. He had chuckled, seen her fear, and had not exercised His power.
Deep within her, she knew how she had escaped.
She was nothing more than a rarity to Him. She was His bobble from the other world.
And she was halfway right. After all, his brother Hei-Bai had brought humans into the Spirit World, and his sister and brother Tui and La had decided to join the humans long ago. Azula's captor's reasoning had continued - why should not he use the human for his purposes? He had quite the collection of women's faces already, and to exact his revenge on the Avatar, he would need a human envoy…
Every day since meeting Him, fighting for her life in a land of things from another world, that niggling voice in the back of Azula's head had returned to haunt her. She knew that He could have destroyed her long ago…
And that was what the voice told her. It reminded her how vulnerable she was. How weak.
Rage quickened her blood. He would see, He would see, one day, what this insolence would cost Him…
"Human. …"
Azula stiffened automatically.
"Human, fetch me the Long Eared Sparrow, and wake Three-Fang Snake from his slumber. Lead him here. I will have these countenances for my own." His drifting tone hid a dagger. Azula recognized it immediately.
After all, she had used that voice often when speaking to her servants.
She stood abruptly, refusing to turn and look at him. Fetching his creatures for him, fetching his faces…. A beast. A tyrant. A demon.
"Yes." She spat.
He scuttled across the wall and twisted his body around hers, many segments passing before her eyes before His face came into view. He reached out with four jointed legs, lifting her chin and pushing back her hair and drawing her shawl over her shoulders in one fluid movement.
He forced her eyes to meet his, mocking her pathetic human weaknesses, her misplaced ego, her predictable mortality. He found that he enjoyed watching the lines on her face crease from one nuance of emotion to another. It had been long since he had simply watched this display, as the humans had become tiresome over time and he had ceased paying attention, had merely snatched their faces at the slightest sign of sentiment.
Now, once again, he found a perverse joy in watching her squirm, until finally he received the reply, however forced, that he desired.
"Yes… Koh."
His eyes slanted in approval. He moved in to steal her kiss.
