Notes: This story is Ino/Lee, a pairing which I honestly don't give a flying fuck about. It's sort of a humorous challenge that lodged in my brain. There will be assorted swearing and sexual references, which means I'll say 'fuck' a lot and there'll be badly-written smut. Oh, and I don't own Naruto and don't really care to. So there.
"Laid"
Part the Fourth:
In which there is less nudity than one might expect.
My grin was horribly cheesy and I knew it, but there really wasn't anything less embarrassing to do.
Sakura stared at me, blinked, and then carefully asked, "Am I interrupting something?"
"Interrupting?" My laugh was more of a high-pitched braying and I'm pretty sure Sakura recognized the Nervous Giggle of my childhood days. "What could you possibly be interrupting?"
"Well," Sakura began patiently. "First of all you're leaning extra-casually against your closet, the door of which is vibrating in time with the breaths of whoever you just shoved in there because he doesn't really fit inside completely with all your shoes. Second, you're bare-ass naked, except for your thong, which is, if my eyes aren't deceiving me, your Nookie Thong, which means you were attempting to get laid."
The closet door vibrated more and I could hear Lee panting a little. Oh, dear.
"Um," I said. "It's complicated . . ."
"He's got good taste in clothes," Sakura noted, staring at Lee's rumbled shirt and trousers that I'd forgotten to kick under the bed.
"Uh, yeah," I agreed, hoping the questioning wouldn't continue in this vein.
Sakura waved her hand. "Well, I don't really care," she said airily. "Though I assume that since you're attempting to hide your guy in there with last-season's pumps, you're either embarrassed by him or he's an ex of mine or something." The paused with a thoughtful expression on her face. "It is a guy, right? I mean, you were awfully friendly with Tenten at the last New Years party but I never really thought about it much . . ."
"It's a guy," I ground out.
"Ah, cool, whatever," Sakura murmured dismissively, stepping back to lean against the doorframe. "I don't really care who you have over, actually."
I stared at her. This was a first. Sakura and I tended to live vicariously through each others conquests. Her disinterest was . . . odd, to say the least.
"I just wanted to mention that I'll be working on a project for the Hokage tonight," Sakura said cheerfully, her face suddenly brilliantly red. "So, uh, if you could keep the noise level down tonight while we work . . ."
"We?" I suddenly realized that she was not dressed for work; she'd dusted off her favorite pair of fuck-me boots and was wearing a water-bra.
She jiggled a little as she backed out of my room. "Joint project with a rep from ANBU," Sakura mumbled.
Sakura's sudden glance back down the hallway was all the warning I had. I heard the muffled thud of a body careening off a wall and then a tall-ish person in ANBU pants slammed into Sakura and nearly knocked her over. I caught a glimpse of moon-pale eyes amidst the person's long, dark hair and, for a moment, thought Sakura had gotten Hinata drunk out of her mind for some reason.
Then I recognized him.
"I need your help with the zipper, Sak'ra," Hyuuga Neji – sans shirt – slurred loudly. He smiled sloppily and nuzzled her neck. "I can't get my pants off 'cause of the stupid zipper."
"NEJI!" I howled in complete astonishment.
"Ino?" he blinked owlishly at me.
"Neji . . ." Sakura sighed.
"Sakura!" I was fully ready to give her the 'Why It's a Bad Idea to Get a member of ANBU Drunk for the Purpose of Seduction' speech. I'd delivered it a couple times before and was getting fairly proficient with it.
The closet burst open and nearly-naked Lee fell out, clutching a purple scarf in one hand and a gray corset top in the other.
"Neji?" he exclaimed.
"LEE!" Sakura howled in complete astonishment.
"Sakura-san?" he responded in a nearly identical tone.
"Oh, god," I moaned, hiding my face in my hands.
There was a telling pause as everyone stared at everyone else.
"Gai-sensei?" Neji finally mumbled, blinking strangely at his teammate (as though it would kick his Byakugan into gear despite his hopeless inebriation) and still misidentifying the guy.
"You're drunk!" Lee exclaimed in shocked dismay.
"Just a little," Neji admitted with another messy smirk.
I cleared my throat. "Sakura, haven't we already had the talk about why it's a bad idea to get a member of ANBU drunk for the purpose of . . ."
"I've heard the damn speech before," Sakura snapped. "What the hell were you doing to Lee-san? Trying to rob him of his innocence?"
Neji snorted with laughter and collapsed against the doorframe.
I sniffed and gave Sakura as dignified a look as I could manage, standing as I was in only my infamous Nookie Thong. "Don't be vulgar, Sakura. And don't change the subject."
Sakura ignored me, Neji and his giggling and instead focused a tenderly caring smile on Lee. "You don't have to do anything you aren't ready to do, Lee-san," she said kindly.
Lee paid her almost no attention at all and instead bore down on Neji, his expression solemn and a little reproachful. "Neji, you know you shouldn't drink this much," he said, shaking a finger at his friend. "Tenten-san will be very angry with you."
"Tenten?" Sakura and I mumbled in unison.
Neji, for his part, was ignoring both Sakura and Lee. He stared at me; at my chest, to be precise. "Wow, Ino, since when did you have such a nice rack?" he asked suddenly.
I folded my arms over my breasts and glared. Sakura and Neji had quite handily killed the mood and I was fairly certain that I wasn't going to get laid tonight without a greater sacrifice of dignity than I was prepared to make. "Lee?" I said crisply.
"Yes, Ino-san?" He practically saluted.
"Put your clothes on and take Neji home," I ordered.
"Good idea, Ino-san," he agreed as he pulled pants on.
"Ino!" Sakura wailed.
I decided to take the opportunity to interrupt Neji's ogling of my breasts by putting a t-shirt on. "I'm having a very bad day, Sakura," I told her through clenched teeth. "And as a result, no one is getting laid tonight. Especially not you. And . . ." I snorted. ". . . Certainly not Neji."
Neji sighed sadly and passed out.
Lee didn't bother to button up his shirt, deciding, perhaps, that my expression looked dangerous to warrant some serious haste. He hauled his teammate up and onto his shoulder and darted for the door, pausing only to flash me a quick Nice-Guy Pose. "Thank you for inviting me to lunch today, Ino-san!" he said cheerfully. "I had a very good time!"
Sakura and I watched, open-mouthed, as he carried Neji out of the apartment, with little apparent effort.
"Wow," Sakura said quietly. "He's got strong arms."
"Mmm," I said wearily, ready for the night to be over.
"So." Sakura turned back to give me one of her Looks, mouth quirked and eyebrow cocked. "Rock Lee?"
I bared my teeth at her.
"He's certainly . . . strapping," she added. A tiny quaver in her voice informed me that she was about to burst into laughter.
I pressed a hand to my throbbing temple. "Shut the hell up, Sakura. You have no room to be talking. You just tried to bring Hyuuga Neji home for a romp. And you know better than that."
"Hey, it's okay!" Sakura looked both righteous and embarrassed and I had no idea how she managed it. "He and Tenten are in an open relationship; he told me so himself?"
"How much sake had you fed him at that point?" I demanded. "And had he removed any clothing yet?"
"I was merely rescuing him from the clutches of that harlot Moegi!" Sakura ranted.
"Uh-huh," I said with a smirk.
"She was trying to give him a lap-dance!" howled Sakura.
I patted her shoulder consolingly. "If you're lucky, he won't remember in the morning and word of this won't make it back to Tenten."
Sakura sighed mournfully and slunk off to her bedroom, leaving me to bask in the knowledge that I had safely diverted my roommate's attention from my embarrassing assignation to hers.
That night I had a series of disturbing dreams in which I had fantastic sex with Rock Lee, who then morphed to a totally blitzed Neji, who then morphed to a spectacularly furious Tenten. Just as Tenten was about to disembowel me with her teeth, I woke up.
Then I screamed.
Tenten was sitting at my bedside trimming her fingernails with a kunai that looked sharp enough to cut wind.
"So," she said with a pleasant smile once my screaming trailed off into terrified silence. "I hear you had company last night."
