SUMMARY: Depression sucks and it doesn't just go away. My take on season 2.5, mostly from Lee's POV.

DISCLAIMER: The character's and the universe of the Battlestar Galactica do not belong to me.

Great THANK YOU! to Tracyj23 for beta.

NOTE: Spoilers through season 2.5. The story started as a coda to Resurrection Ship Part II; it picks up right after Kara and Lee conversation in the bunkroom.

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I DIDN'T WANT TO BE BACK ALIVE by -yannik-

Chapter One –WRONG WAY.

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"What did you just say?" she asked, slightly dazed.

He looked back, and for a split second his lifeless expression faded into… something. Some vague emotion, that Kara was unable to put a name to. And then he blinked and it was gone – his eyes were dull yet again.

"That I didn't know if I'd be back alive."

Kara was sure it was not what she had heard earlier. She drew in a breath and slowly let it out. It was too unsettling; the implications his words had. She knew she had to say something, but it was hard to gather her thoughts.

"Lee…"

He rose, and sat next to her, rubbing his face as if he wanted to pull his skin off. So she breathed in and started again, this time more insistently.

"That was not what…"

"Don't ...!" he interrupted, looking up at her, his eyes suddenly fierce, burning holes in hers. " ...go there. Kara."

All certainty that she managed to bunch up, disappeared in an instant. He didn't want to discuss it either. That didn't surprise her. She shook her head as he looked away from her. What was going on with him? What the heck happened? He wasn't himself, that's for sure. The Lee Adama she knew wouldn't… he didn't want to come back alive? What in the name of Hades was that supposed to mean? She had to know. It was her obligation, as a friend!

"Lee…" she put her hand on his back, somewhat reluctantly, and he flinched. "Is there something bothering you?"

"Is there something bothering you?" He turned the question against her, angrily. That caught her off guard. "Because there must be something! Obviously. You were ordered to… kill that woman. And then you were called off. And then she died anyway. Plus your eulogy… What was that about?" he demanded. "What was it supposed to mean? You basically messed my father with dirt."

"I didn't say anything that might…" she tried to defend herself, but he wouldn't let her.

"You so did! Not directly, but he knew exactly what you meant. And so did I!"

"How do you know what he…" she tried different approach, but was interrupted once more.

"No, come on! If she was such an idol for you, why would you… do what you were told to? I don't get it! And why did you look up to her so? What did she… ?"

Kara got up, having heard too much. These last few days were crazy enough, and she needed some time alone to sort things out. This ridiculous argument wasn't helpful. "Stop it Lee" she warned, but he just didn't get it.

"Oh, there it is" he pressed on. "So what's bothering you Thrace? What…"

"Lee, Stop!" she shouted. "That does it! I don't want to talk about it!"

"Why?"

"Because."

They eyed each other for a moment long enough to let Kara think she won. Long enough to make her wonder why they were fighting at all. Where and how did this fight began? And as realization struck her, he switched on the offensive defensive mode again.

"That's not good enough" he said slowly, and she was amazed once more just how good he was at reading her. How he knew what she was about to say. And how he knew how to prevent that. "That doesn't explain anything." He got up, and approached her till they were face to face. "She got to your very core, didn't she Kara? Really struck a chord inside. You've always had a thing for powerful women. Those who wouldn't hesitate to murder civilians if they were in her way…"

"Those are just rumors!" she tried to interrupt, half aware that she was being led away. He continued to run with it.

"… or beat the crap out of you, if you disobeyed an order."

"What?" she asked incredulously.

"You wanted her to become your new mom! You were so happy to be this little CAG baby of mighty Admiral Cain! You were just waiting for her to smack you, just like…"

Before she knew it, her fist landed in his jaw. Oh, he crossed the line, and he crossed it way too far!

He tripped over a chair as he staggered backwards and fell onto the floor. She sat on his back, and started hitting, and hitting, her fury seeking release… until she realized he wasn't fighting back. He just lay curled in the fetal position.

She got up, feeling disgust. Hate and disgust. "You know nothing about me. Nothing!" she spat at him.

"Don't I?" He turned to face her, and wiped blood from his mouth. "Your actions speak for you, Thrace."

No. She wanted to yell, to hit him again, and beat the crap out of him. But wasn't that what he'd just said? Did that mean he was right? That the Admiral… No! She turned away from him. She remembered the conversations she and Cain had had.

"She wanted to go back" Kara started explaining. "That's why I thought we should have followed her. She wanted to go to Caprica, and fight. Fight back."

"Fight back? Against thousands… tens of thousands of cylons? That's insane." He got up from the floor and was now standing behind her. She was unable to turn and face him.

"There's a resistance," she muttered.

"That's still insane. But it shouldn't surprise me, you are insane. Some resistance – twenty men, who don't even know how to use a weapon!"

"At least they have courage! Which we don't!" She finally turned to look up at him. "We fled, and they… they fight, but they're alone. Brave, but alone."

"Oh, don't cry on me Kara," he mocked. "I might think their courage moved your heart."

"It did! Yes, frak, Lee, it did! Samuel Anders moved my heart, like no one before, not even your brother!" If she'd wanted to hurt him, she'd certainly found the right words. She stopped, realizing what she'd just said. And at the look on his face - shocked, stunned, refusing to believe. Even more now, than the day she first told him about Zak failing his basic flight.

"You…" he started, but couldn't find the right words.

"Yes. I'm in love," she replied with disconcerting cruelty. "I met this guy, so gentle, yet so courageous. And I fell in love. And I want to go back there to save him. Even if it was only him, I would go. If it was to cost me my life, I would go. I promised him, I'd be back. And I will."

"Okay," he said flatly. "Good." And with that he turned away and left the quarters. And left her totally dismayed.

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t.b.c.

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