Thanks again for all of the comments! I feel like I want to sit down and chat with all of you! I know it can be hard to wait for the next chapter when you are in the middle of a story. I have 4 kiddos, one of which who is medically fragile and severely disabled. (That's where all of the medical stuff comes in. We've spent quite a bit of time in hospitals.) So, if life leaves me little time to write, know that it is coming! :) I just have to sneak minutes here and there. Thanks for reading!
Heather McInerney did not arrive at Shane's room until 10AM on Wednesday. She smiled as she entered.
The day before, Rita had come by to spruce the place up a bit. She said she had a dream in which she remembered an article she had read about how keeping morale up for hospital patients was essential for full recovery. She decided to decorate.
There were twinkle lights draped around the windows, a small table held a small library and a fancy lamp, the window seat had several decorative pillows, and there was actual art hanging on the walls featuring happy, bright nature scenes. Shane's blue hospital blanket had been replaced with a comfy quilt. Classical music was playing in the background. It almost didn't look, or feel, like a hospital room.
Shane was working on sitting up with a physical therapist on either side. She looked determined, but was breathing hard and was clearly uncomfortable. Oliver was standing by, ready to jump in and help. He stood when Heather entered, acknowledging her arrival, but his eyes were fixed on Shane.
"Are you sure you should be doing this already, honey?" Heather asked.
One of the PTs responded, "The sooner we can get her up, without causing further injury, the better recovery will go. Today's goal is sitting up enough to eat comfortably."
They got Shane situated and told her they would be back in 20 minutes to help her back down, unless she was too uncomfortable before then, and they would come sooner. They placed her breakfast tray across her lap and left.
Shane smiled triumphantly. "I did it." she said, slightly out of breath.
Heather smiled, "You did." She then gestured to Shane's side table, " Oh,was that lamp here yesterday?"
"Oh, no," Shane paused to breathe. "Rita brought it by early this morning. Said this room needed more light because today was supposed to be overcast."
"Well, that was very sweet." said Heather.
"Rita has so many generous thoughts and she acts on many of them. Being kind is as natural to her as breathing." Shane happily bragged about her friend.
"Well, it sure does feel homey in here!" said Heather.
Shane grinned, "I can almost forget where I am, minus the attractive gown."
"Rita actually offered to sew her one of those," commented Oliver, "but Shane convinced her to make them matching sleepwear instead."
Heather laughed, "I really like that girl."
Shane smiled, "Me too."
Heather was so relieved to see Shane in good spirits. "Well maybe these will help too." she said as she pulled out a box of macaroons she'd made that morning.
"Yes! I was trying to pretend this oatmeal was something else. Now I don't have to. Thanks, Mom." she glanced at Oliver as she opened the box, "I'm willing to share one with you, but the rest are essential to my recovery."
Oliver chuckled, "Is that so?"
Shane nodded seriously. Just then, Dr Benson walked in. Shane practically threw the macaroons back to her mom, not sure if she was supposed to be having sugar. Heather and Oliver both tried not to laugh at the look on her face.
"Good morning, Shane. How is your pain?"
"A little better, I think. My head only hurts when I move too quickly or if I'm due for pain meds. Still hurts to have the bandages changed or touched though." Shane explained.
"Okay…" he was writing things down on a clipboard. "How about your abdomen?"
"The incision site is still very sore, but I was able to sit up with assistance this morning. Breathing deeply or coughing still causes pain on my right side."
"And your back?" asked the doctor looking at Shane carefully.
Shane spoke slowly and quietly, but steadily. She knew she had to face the realities of her situation head on. "I know you said there is quite a bruise there, on my lower back, but it hasn't hurt at all. I don't think I can feel it."
Three pairs of eyes looked at the doctor, waiting for his response.
"Dr. Noom is a spine specialist in the area. She is very good. She has reviewed your x-rays and will visit sometime this afternoon. We'll be turning all of your spine care over to her." He took a breath and smiled, "As far as the rest of your injuries go, the prognosis is good. Your scans from this morning showed no swelling in your brain. That alone is incredible, considering how hard your head was hit. Dr. Sims says your incision site is healing nicely. Everything else will take time and follow up visits, and potentially some therapy, but you should be feeling much better in a month or two. We'll need to keep you a bit longer for observation, but as long as Dr. Noom agrees, you can be released this weekend."
Shane's face had fallen slightly, but that last sentence cheered her up immensely. Oliver as well, they were both smiling.
"Thank you, Dr. Benson." Shane said sincerely.
"You're welcome. Take things slow and get plenty of rest." He turned to leave and with an amused smile on his face said, "A little sugar would be just fine."
Heather and Oliver laughed and Shane did too, while also looking slightly embarrassed.
Lunch time came and Joe came whistling into the room. "Hey, Shane. Look at you sitting up!"
She smiled at her future father-in-law, "Only for short stretches, but it's progress. How are things at the DLO?"
"Good. There is going to be quite the pile of unsolvable letters for you when you get back though." said Joe. He turned to Oliver, "Up to going to lunch with your old dad?" Oliver had declined the day before.
"Oh...I, uh, don't know if…" he glanced at Shane.
Heather spoke up, "You should go, Oliver. I'll keep an eye on Shane and make sure she doesn't eat all the macaroons."
"Haha…" said Shane sarcastically. "Really, you should go if you'd like, Oliver. Dr. Noom shouldn't be here until later this afternoon. I promise not to go anywhere."
"Okay, but I'll be back in an hour. Call my Dad if you need me." Oliver seemed very hesitant to leave.
"I will," said Shane, "Now go, so I can eat your macaroon."
Oliver chuckled, kissed her on the cheek, and left with his Dad.
"Mom, you've been checking your phone a lot today. Waiting for a call?" inquired Shane.
Heather looked a little hesitant to respond, "An email actually...from your sister."
Shane was confused. "Alex emails you on Wednesday's? Why doesn't she just call?"
Heather took a deep breath, "Because she is in rehab, and for the first month they can only email on Wednesday's. I called the emergency number to let her know about your accident, but she won't know you're awake until she reads her emails today."
"Back in rehab?" Shane asked with raised eyebrows.
"Yes, but it's a good thing this time, Shane. She…"
Shane scoffed. "A good thing?"
"She admitted herself this time!" Heather said, giving Shane a look that was pleading her to understand. "I didn't even know she was struggling again. She recognized it and did a self intervention. It's huge progress."
"Wow." said Shane, changing her tone. "She'd been doing so well. Will she be able to call at all?"
Heather breathed a sigh of relief. She knew her girls were talking again, and things had gone well at Christmas, but she was so worried that once Shane found out about rehab, the walls would go up again. "I'm not sure. I hope so."
"Well, send me her email then, just in case." said Shane sincerely.
Heather was so happy she could have clapped. Shane was still Shane, but a softer version. Her time in Denver had been good for her, and Heather knew Oliver must have been a huge piece of those changes.
Just then, a new doctor with a white coat and a big smile walked in. "I'm Dr. Noom. You are Shane?"
Shane nodded, surprised.
"I'm sorry I'm earlier than expected, but a surgery came up for this afternoon and I wouldn't be able to make it back over here until tomorrow. I didn't want to leave you waiting. Is this okay?" she asked.
Shane wished Oliver was back, but he'd likely be gone another half hour or so. "That's fine. Let's talk about my spine." Shane hadn't meant to rhyme, but it made her smile and broke through some of the tension she was feeling.
Dr. Noom smiled too. She was very friendly, more at ease than other doctors and clearly competent. Shane trusted her right away.
"Okay, I've looked at both sets of x-rays. I'd like to do a short physical exam and ask you some questions." She move Shane's blanket off her legs and started poking and prodding. "I need you to close your eyes and tell me if you feel nothing, dull pressure, or a sharp prick when I push on certain areas."
Shane closed her eyes. The bottoms of her feet felt sharp pricks, especially her right foot. She could feel the pressure on parts of her legs, but sometimes she felt nothing. Dr. Noom asked several more questions and even had Shane attempt to move her right foot. She was able to wiggle her toes slightly.
"Did you see that, Mom?!" Shane said excitedly.
Heather nodded, just as excited, "I did!"
Dr. Noom said, "That is a really good sign. Okay, here's what we know. Your x-rays show damage to your lower spine. She held up a visual to show Shane exactly where she was talking about. The nerves are damaged here, here, and here. They are not severed though, which is an important distinction. Your left side mobility has been affected more than your right. There is nothing to be done surgically. I can't predict the future, but with the information I have, there is a 60-70% chance your nerves will heal over time on one, or both sides of your body."
Shane was hopeful, but a June wedding shot through her mind as she asked, "How long will healing take, if it is going to happen?"
"Good question. Statistically speaking, if you haven't made much improvement between 6 months and a year, the likelihood of any change drops to about 25%. But those are statistics. Each person is different because each injury is different."
Shane's face fell slightly, they may have to push the wedding back a bit. It will be harder to plan…
Dr. Noom interrupted Shane's thoughts. "I see Dr. Benson is willing to send you home this weekend. That's fine with me, but you will need 24 hour at home care, especially at first. But that can be arranged. You will also need the necessary equipment to go home with you. I'll put in the orders for those items right away. I also want to see you in my office next week. Intense physical therapy with the right physical therapist is essential to recovery, and we have the best." She glanced down at her clipboard. "And now I'd like to have the hardest part of this conversation."
Shane's eyes were riveted on Dr. Noom's face. "Okay." she said, tentatively.
"Shane, there is a chance the injuries to your spine may have also affected your fertility."
Shane's face went pale. Heather instinctively reached over and held her arm, offering support.
Dr. Noom continued gently. "There is no test to know for sure, but there is a 40% chance you will be unable to have children. Injuries to this area of the spine" she pointed at the chart, "can affect conception and/or maintaining a pregnancy." Dr. Noom waited for Shane to look at her again before continuing. "I know this is hard to hear. My job is to give you the facts, but I also want you to know that I have learned to never say never. There is always hope."
Shane felt like she'd been punched in the gut without any warning. She felt the hot tears running down her cheeks, not even trying to hold them back. She had imagined the possibility of living her life with Oliver, unable to walk. That had been difficult to process, but this second blow, so much stronger than the first, was too much.
"I am sorry to leave so quickly, but I am due at the surgery center. Please contact my office with any questions. Here is my card." Shane stoically took it from her hand. "Shane, we have a whole team ready to help you. I'll try and stop by sooner, but if not, I'll see you in my office next week."
Shane nodded, unable to speak. Heather spoke instead. "Thank you for your help and for explaining everything so thoroughly. We really appreciate it."
Dr. Noom smiled, looked at Shane with concern, and left the room.
"I am so sorry, baby! I didn't see that coming at all!" said Heather.
"How...how am I going to tell Oliver?" whispered Shane.
Heather shook her head, "I don't know. But I do know that that man loves you more than anything, and that he will stay by your side through anything."
She had meant to be comforting, and Shane knew she was right, but it caused a feeling to rise in Shane that she could not ignore. "He shouldn't have to sacrifice so much to marry me, Mom. It's not fair to him. I may never walk again. And we may not be able to…" Shane couldn't even say it out loud.
"Shane, look at me." Heather waited until Shane's eyes met hers. "You need to let Oliver make those decisions. Marriage is full of sacrifices, as is any relationship worth having. Let him decide."
Shane's thoughts were swirling. Oliver was too dutiful to ever break things off when he was already committed. She couldn't handle him marrying her out of obligation. She knew what she had to do, what seemed to be the only option. She had to give him a way out of this mess that was now her life.
"When Oliver gets back, would you please give us a few minutes alone?" asked Shane.
"Of course I will. It will be okay, you'll see." Heather said hopefully. But something had changed in Shane's countenance and she couldn't quite read what it meant. If she had known Shane's thoughts, she would have said so much more. "Shane…"
"I need to rest. Would you please turn down the lights?"
"Sure, honey." replied Heather.
"Thank you." Shane closed her eyes, but she did not sleep. She was very carefully rehearsing the words she felt compelled to say.
Oliver walked into Shane's room a half hour later to find the lights dimmed and Shane with her eyes closed.
Heather stood instantly when he entered, with red eyes from crying. "Shane told me to have you wake her up when you returned. I'd like to go get some fresh air. I'll be back soon." With that she left the room.
She was acting strange. What was going on? He turned to Shane, but her eyes were already open, staring at him. "Hi, sweetheart, what is it?"
Oliver moved to walk towards her and Shane held up her hand. "Please, don't come any closer. I have something to say."
Oliver stopped and stared. Something was terribly wrong. Even with the lights dimmed, he could see it in her face. Not to mention, hear it in her voice. He felt as if every cell in his body was suddenly on high alert.
Shane took a deep breath. When she spoke her voice sounded very robotic. "Please don't speak until I finish. Dr. Noom came by. There is a 60-70% that my nerves will heal on one or both sides of my body. There are no surgical options. Vigorous therapy and time will show whether or not I'll walk again."
Shane's voice trembled and Oliver wanted nothing more than to comfort her. He was mentally kicking himself for not being there when Dr. Noom came. "Shane, I…"
Shane held up her hand. "I'm not finished yet." Her voice got quiet and Oliver had to strain to hear. "She also said there is a 40% chance I will be unable to...to have children." She had told herself not to cry, but hot tears spilled out anyway.
Oliver looked shocked at that last statement, not expecting it at all. Shane thought he was too devastated to respond, but really he was trying to find the words to comfort her. Before he could speak, Shane did.
"You don't have to marry me, Oliver." Shane swallowed hard as Oliver's face turned white with a look of disbelief. "I've thought it through and it wouldn't be fair to you. I couldn't live with watching you sacrifice to take care of me, and then one day resent me for not being able to live the life you thought we would have. I couldn't bear it."
It was Oliver's turn to look like he'd been punched in the stomach. "Shane! You can't be serious?"
Shane's voice took on a firm tone. "I am. Now please go, I'd like to be alone."
He just stood there staring at her.
She couldn't handle that. "Please go." she said again quietly.
Oliver quietly turned and slowly walked out of the room.
Shane instantly started sobbing. She'd done what she thought she had to do. Part of her wanted to call out to him, but she couldn't. Instead, she closed her eyes, letting the tears quietly flow, wishing things were different.
