DISCLAIMER: The character's and the universe of the Battlestar Galactica do not belong to me.
Beta'ed by Tracyj23. Thank you girl! You rock!
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I DIDN'T WANT TO BE BACK ALIVE by -yannik-
Chapter Two – CONFESSOR
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He didn't expect a blow like that. But then – what did he expect? Lee only wanted… He wasn't even sure what he wanted. He only knew that he didn't want to talk about the accident. Because that's what it was – an accident. His ship collided with a raider, he ejected, and nearly lost all his oxygen before the rescue arrived. That was all there was. He didn't need Kara to muse over some nonexistent problems.
But this time he pushed her away too hard. And she pushed back – the ordinary course of things
Then why did it make him so mad that she had feelings for this… Anders guy? Lords, she had every right to move on with her life! Endless living in the past didn't do anyone any good. And that's all he was to her – a reminiscence of his dead brother. That was all that ever bonded them together, and he should just back off now. But somehow that thought made him even more miserable.
He realized he was running. He had no idea if he started right after he darted out of the bunkroom, or maybe somewhere along the way, but he was running now. Faster, faster. Passing faceless people, pushing them out of his way, until he lost his breath. Until he couldn't breath. Until he nearly suffocated. He wanted to suffocate! But his body refused to let him. He leaned on the bulkhead, breathing heavily, trying to recognize his surroundings. Lee had no idea how long he was running, and where it got him, but after a few breaths he realized he was on the lower level. The exercise room was nearby. He could lash out some more of his frustration there.
He jogged a few sections, and entered the gym. It was empty – much to his relief.
But he no longer felt like punching the bag. Or doing anything equally stupid for that matter. He just sat on the bench, his head in his hands, trying not to think, not to feel. He let his anger, disappointment and self-pity be consumed by this void… vacuum, that somehow built itself up in his gut. And then it didn't feel that bad anymore. It didn't hurt. At least until soft footsteps darted into his negligence. He refused to lift his eyes up and acknowledge whoever was there…
"Captain?"
… but he recognized the voice. He couldn't mistake it for anyone else's.
"Captain, are you alright?"
"What can I do for you, Dee?" He eyed her, and she seemed a little abashed. Wonder why? – he thought, but there was no real curiosity to it.
"I just…" she hesitated. "I was looking for you." Lee frowned, and continued to watch her questioningly.
Dualla shot a quick glance behind her, as if assuring herself that she could still escape, gathered herself together and started talking: "When you were… out there… I was calling you. Did you hear that? I'm asking, because…" she looked at her feet, obviously ashamed of poking her nose where it didn't belong. But she was determined at the same time. "Because you weren't answering, but I could swear, that… at the end… I heard you speak. Something along the lines of 'I'm sorry'. That would mean you were conscious. And that you heard me. But you didn't respond." She looked up. "Why?"
That was a direct question. One he couldn't escape from. So he got up from the relatively comfortable place on the bench and approached her. "I…" he started, unsure of what to say. "I don't remember much, really. But I think I did hear you. It's just that… so much was happening. I was… hanging there… in the vacuum." He drifted off, losing grip on reality. "With all that battle going on beneath me… or maybe above, I don't know. Complete silence. It was so… distant, detached. And I was there and… I noticed this hole," he looked down, at this spot where the puncture was, touched it, unaware of his moves, his mind going back to those moments in space. "…the air was leaking. So I pressed." He stopped talking, trying to recall what happened next. "It was so odd. I was sitting there, watching explosions, lights… bright, so many colors, terrifyingly beautiful. And something in my head just snapped. Just snapped" he repeated in a whisper. "And I let go." He lifted his palm, and looked at it, amazed. "It was that simple, you know. One move."
They both stood in silence for a moment, Lee only half aware of the fact that there was somebody else beside him, Dualla scared and transfixed. When Lee continued his voice was barely audible. "It started getting cold. And I thought… it felt… good. It felt like the right thing to do, the right thing to happen. I felt released. Relieved. Everything was about to be beyond me. I was anticipating that moment, I was ready to welcome death with my arms open. And it came. And that felt… it didn't feel. It was… I didn't have to think, worry, be scared… breathe. I didn't have to." Again he fell silent, recalling that very moment, he didn't really remember. Dee didn't interrupt. "But then I was forced to breathe again" Lee whispered after a while. "And that hurt." He stared at a woman before him, who just totally didn't understand. Her eyes full of compassion, her lips trembling slightly. But there was no way anyone could understand.
She touched his arm, and it was like an electric shock. He cringed, shifted away. "Did you… really want that?" she asked hesitantly, and Lee immediately knew she didn't want the truth. She wanted consolation.
"Did I want to die?" He made sure that was what she was asking about. "No. It was just that moment, that place… coincidences. In fact I still can't quite comprehend what's gotten into me…" He shook his head, suddenly choking on words.
"Did you talk to anyone about it?" Dee asked carefully.
Lee took in a deep breath, and composed himself. He even managed to look her in the eye and smile.
"I'm not talking to you now?"
"That's not what I meant" she bowed her head, but he couldn't help but notice the shy smile on her face. The tension was slightly eased, probably praise was what she needed, to drop the subject. Just like all Kara needed, was a hard blow in the face. Physical or mental. Lee pushed a little harder. "But that's what actually helps. I doubt there is anyone on that ship, that I could unburden my heart to like this. You have that… gift. Of listening to people talk. I guess it comes with the job" he joked again, wondering how, in the name of Hades, he manage to sound believable. But she believed.
"You can talk to me anytime."
"I'll take it under consideration. But now I…" He gestured towards the exit. Another wave of choking inability to formulate comprehensible sentences was approaching rapidly. "Defense classes?"
"Sure."
"It's a date." And with that he fled.
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t.b.c.
NOTE: I have no intention in pairing up Lee and Dualla. KaraLee RULEZ! It just seemed convenient at the moment…
