DISCLAIMER: The character's and the universe of the Battlestar Galactica do not belong to me.
Tracyj23 thanks again for the beta.
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I DIDN'T WANT TO BE BACK ALIVE by -yannik-
Chapter Three – STRAYING
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What the frak? What did he want? What…
Crap!
He'd gotten her mind so fogged, she could barely remember her own call-sign.
"It's Starbuck" she had to say it out loud.
"Just about done with you, Starbuck" The male voice echoed in her mind. That's when she knew he was a cylon… What? Why did this memory resurface now? What did it have to do with anything? Except for Anders maybe.
No. No no no, she had to focus on Lee. There was something about Lee, that she needed to uncover… She told him about Anders, because she wanted to repay him – not that she consciously planned it, it was more like combat; an instinctive response – repay him for the pain his words caused. His words about what Cain supposedly meant for her.
How could he? He brought back things she shared with him in a moment of her greatest weakness. Things she made him forget about, under a threat. And he did. He did – for years. This subject had never come up between them, but today. Why? Why did he intend to hurt her so deeply? If he only knew what would really hurt…
For many weeks she was hesitating whether to confide in him about Caprica. About the origin of the scar… the Scar. Now she was glad she didn't. Because if he used that against her, it might break her. It was breaking her to even remember… So she decided not to remember.
Oh, her mind was so fogged she couldn't concentrate. Lee, why are you doing this to me? Why are you hurting me so much? Why can't things just be normal? He said he didn't want to live. Not even for me? Lee? Not even for me? Because I would… If she ever hit rock-bottom, the reason to climb up would be Lee Adama – that's how she felt. It was not love. Not some adolescent affection, just… the only constant in her life.
Constant that seemed to falter.
She'd always thought Lee Adama was the toughest man alive. That his principles and values would get him safely through the worst times possible.
If he was faltering then how was she supposed to endure all this? She – who never had principles to be supported by. She was all about breaking them. Was that enough to get by? She knew it wasn't, but otherwise there was nothing.
Enough! Enough thinking. Thinking was never Kara Thrace's strongest point. She always found it easier to work it out – to burn the despair and fear in physical exhaustion.
She jolted out of the bunkroom, and headed to the gym.
"Starbuck" a voice called her.
"Just about done with you, Starbuck…" if that was going to drag on like this, she was going to have to change her call-sign. But this time it was a friendly voice – Commander Adama's. She recognized him before turning to face him.
"Sir."
"What do you hear, Starbuck?"
"Nothing…" Just nothing.
He frowned.
"… but the rain" she finished quickly, not even knowing why she did that. She didn't want him to frown, that's why. But then – he should. There was something terribly wrong going on with his son!
His face relaxed, hearing their usual greeting, but his eyes remained alert. She was used to that thought of him being able to read her mind. But really – he couldn't. She had that proven to him a couple of times. One of them – when she told him she was going back to Caprica, and he didn't… She banished that thought once more.
"I wanted to talk to you Starbuck, before I make it an official announcement. Are you busy now, or can we…"
"No. I'm not busy."
"Then let's go to my quarters."
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"I want to reinstate Lee as Captain and CAG of Galactica" he said, pouring her a glass of water. "I also want Tyler to reassume his post of CAG onboard Pegasus. And I want you back here, in my Viper." He handed her the glass, and couldn't not notice that her hand slightly shook. "Is there a problem?"
Isn't there? What should she say? How should she tell him, that his son wasn't well enough for the job! She hesitated one second too long, and he sat down beside her, watching her closely. Now there was no escape. And there really shouldn't be, because he was Lee's father, and she was Lee's friend, and who else would take care of him, if not the two of them? But it was somehow difficult to say it out loud, after all the fierce hatred it caused between her and Lee, just a few minutes before. It would be so much easier if Bill Adama could read her mind!
"I don't think Lee is fit enough for the job" she said finally, hating the way her voice rung out as the words came out. She knew exactly how she sounded, and how the Commander – no, Admiral! she just realized, staring at his new shiny insignia – would take them. He'd been promoted to Admiral! He took over Cain's position… She completely forgot what she was thinking about, and only the words of now Admiral Adama brought her back.
"Kara, I know that Admiral Cain had great trust in you. And I do not undermine her decisions, or her opinion of you. You know I couldn't value anyone more. But I want you to be a pilot. To still be my best pilot. Without all the burden of paper work, that Lee so complains about, without the responsibility for all the pilots, the way the CAG must be responsible. You are the kind of pilot, who needs to be free. Then your performance is the best. That's why I'm demoting you. It's not meant as an insult."
"I know that," Kara breathed out. She felt horrible. "It's just…" she had to say it. She had to say it. "Lee…" she couldn't say it. "You should talk to him first. Before you make the final decision. You should make sure he can handle that." She couldn't look him in the eye, her heart pounding as she waited for his response.
"I know he can," the Admiral answered slowly after a long moment of hesitation. Kara looked up, and saw confidence in the Old Man's eyes. Confidence in his son, obviously. "Whatever is troubling him, he's strong enough to fight it, and do his job, nonetheless. It's a matter of principles, he believes in them, and he won't let us down."
Kara slowly nodded, praying to the Lords that this was true. That this was enough.
"But I will talk to him" Adama ended with a smile that she so cherished. A reassuring smile of a loving father. And she smiled too.
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t.b.c.
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