DISCLAIMER: The character's and the universe of the Battlestar Galactica do not belong to me.

Beta'ed by Tracyj23. Thank you as usual.

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I DIDN'T WANT TO BE BACK ALIVE by -yannik-

Chapter Five – SECOND LOOK

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"I got transferred to the Pegasus!"

Lee stopped in his tracks, hearing Starbuck's angry voice in the corridor. "I know," he replied, before turning to her. Her green eyes burned, and her lips shuddered as she sought for words. Kara Thrace speechless, that was a new one.

"Of course you know" she finally admitted softly. "It was your decision."

"Then follow your orders, Captain." With a slight nod, he turned to leave, but she caught his arm.

"Lee."

"Something else you wanted?" Alright, so he'd avoided her those last few days. And to be honest, he intended to avoid her even longer if that was necessary. And yes, he wanted to send her off to Pegasus, to be able to avoid her more effectively. But no, he couldn't admit that to her now. He couldn't ever.

She inhaled, staring at him intently. And then she pulled her courage together. "About the other day…" she started, but he interrupted her, putting a hand up to stop her.

"We don't need to…"

"Yes we do!" She paid back with a cut-off of her own. "Yes we do, because…"

"We don't," he said firmly.

They both fell silent. Conversation like that – constant interruptions – wasn't leading anywhere. Like all their conversations for that matter.

"Lee…" Kara pleaded, but he didn't need to elaborate on that.

"Is that all?" he asked coldly. "Because if it is, I have duties."

"You're pissed."

"No, I'm not."

"Oh, don't deny it Apollo!" she screamed, and immediately held herself back. "Just listen to me, you doorknob!" she stated definitely this time.

His brows jumped up in involuntary curiosity. Doorknob?

"Sorry. What I want to say, Lee, is that I'm sorry about everything I said to you that day. I shouldn't have. You needed…"

"Kara" he stopped her again. He really didn't want to get back to that subject! "It's okay. I'm not pissed, I hold no grudge against you. And well… truth be told, I should be the one apologizing." He remembered how rudely he'd tried to get rid of her nagging right then. He remembered, and it made him feel even more ugly inside.

"I don't hold any grudge either" she assured him with a small smile.

"You don't?"

"Not in the slightest."

"Great." He tried to smile to. "Friends?" He reached out his hand.

"Sure." She took it, and their eyes met; her smile widened in the most beautiful Kara Thrace way. If he could only feel the warmth that smile always brought to his heart…

"I'm glad." He sighed, fighting the lump in his throat. "And I really have to get going. See you around."

She nodded, and he turned and walked away quickly. And then Kara realized something was wrong. "Lee!" she called. "We haven't…"
But he was already gone. She made a mental note to press him harder the next time. But how? How indeed…

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"You transferred Starbuck to Pegasus." The Admiral looked up from his desk, at his son's greeting.

"I did. And she already gave me a reprimand on that."

The Admiral eyed the Captain suspiciously. Reprimand?

"Oh, you know Starbuck" Lee shook his head, avoiding his father's gaze. "You know how she gets when she's pissed."

"Could a couple of days in command…" Admiral's voice trailed off.

"It's not that." Lee looked up, surprised by his tone. "It's just her. Nothing I wasn't used to, really."

"It didn't do her any good. I wonder what Cain really wanted to achieve with Starbuck?" Adama paused, and looked up at his son. "We won't know that." Lee didn't even bat an eyelid. "Starbuck is not a leader-type" Adama continued after a moment, "but she might have enjoyed being CAG too much to just get over it now."

"You're overreacting. If she's upset about something, I'm sure it's not losing the leadership." Lee looked straight in his father's eyes, and didn't falter, though he knew it was his condition that bothered Kara. But his father didn't know that. He really didn't. So it was safe to discuss Kara Thrace's troubles with the Old Man. "But you're right she's not going to get over it, and she really shouldn't. You can't just put her back where she was before. She's a Captain now, and that also changes things."

"Of course it does. I never said it didn't. And I'm aware that she is the next in line for the position, so it could just be a matter of time." The Admiral didn't even shrug, but Lee felt creepy. She could take over the Command of Air Group if he died. And the way his father delivered this line, betrayed Admiral's complete lack of concern. They were at war – Lee had to remind himself. No sentiments here. He swallowed, forcing himself to listen to his CO. "It's just the way it was done, that makes me feel uneasy about the whole situation. Nevertheless moving her to Pegasus wasn't what I expected. And I want her back."

Lee shrugged. "If you say so."

"I say so. Not right away, don't make it look unprofessional. Let her stay there… a couple of weeks."

"Yes, sir. Anything else?"

"Actually yes. I just read Dr. Cottle's report. From the rescue mission." Lee frowned and looked at the Admiral questioningly. "Your rescue mission."

Ah, that – Lee thought and felt strange coldness. "And?" he asked, struggling to sound indifferent.

"It says you were resuscitated."

"That's right."

"There wasn't anything about it in…" Adama hesitated, and then finished quickly. "In the report I got from the CAG."

"I didn't find it significant," Lee started, and at the sight of his father's risen eyebrows, continued frantically. "There were so many things going on that day, that… I had to brief all the reports, so you wouldn't get tons of paper on your desk. C'mon, that's my job! That's what I do. I take pilot's reports and write what's essential in them for you to read."

"And you thought that the fact that the pilot's heart stopped, was not significant?"

Lee fell silent for a second. Looking at it that way… if it was about another pilot… But it wasn't.

"It didn't change anything. I'm alive," he stated.

But the Admiral wasn't even looking at him, dashing through some documents. "You didn't get clearance for flight after your evals?" he asked, but it was more a statement that a question. They both knew how lousy Lee's physicals were.

"No."

"Good. I want doctor Cottle's opinion beforehand."

Lee sighed. "Yes sir."

"And that would be all" Adama said, still not looking up at his son.

"Thank you, sir." Lee nodded, and saluted. When he turned to leave, the Admiral's voice caught him again.

"One more thing." It was strangely soft, and Lee felt his stomach twist. Was it going to be another fatherly advice? "The President asked to let you know, she's expecting you on Colonial One."

Lee was astounded. For a moment he didn't know how to respond. The President. She was dying.

"I know," he breathed finally. "I got a message from Billy Keikeya. I just… Didn't have time lately."

"Find time."

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Dee pinned him to the floor again.

"You're really getting good at it," Lee observed. "I guess we can call it a day. I've got to take a look at the roster, and take another shot at my physical."

"You didn't get the clearance for flight yet?"

"No." He went to his locker, but didn't open it.

"How is it going?" he heard her asking softly. The question was inevitable. She asked it each time they had classes. Each time the same, each time as annoying.

"Better," he smiled, turning around, and looking up at her.

"Better?"

"Yeah, you know… I'm…" he hesitated. He sat down on a bench, and she followed him immediately. Her presence was sometimes like 7g in a cockpit. There were days when he would figure out some more or less believable story, that would satisfy her caring nature, but there were also days when his mind was empty. Just empty. "Ups and downs, you know."

"Yeah." She touched his arm lightly, trying to be comforting. "Today is…" she hesitated, and he had no idea what to say. "You're nervous about the evals?"

"Yeah" Lee sighed, and nodded. True or not – it was some explanation, so he picked up on the subject. "Actually it got complicated, the Admiral… well it figures he didn't know I was resuscitated, and only just found out, so he's going to make it harder to pass. Whatever," he shrugged. He really didn't care, but somehow she thought he did.

"I'm sure you'll pass them soon, you're getting stronger, and all." She kept stroking his arm. "You'll be in a cockpit in no-time." He smiled at her. A forced smile, but it was better than nothing. "You miss it, don't you?"

"I do" he lied. "Thank you Dee. I would be miserable without you" he lied again. He needed to do it. It was the only way to make her forget about that conversation when he told her too much.

She beamed on him. She was a beautiful creature, if he could only notice any beauty these days. "You know you can count on me," she whispered.

"I do. You're the best. I gotta run." He got up abruptly, took his stuff from the locker, slammed it shut, and walked to the exit. All in one move.

"See you next time" she called after him, and he waved, not even turning back. It was getting hard to breathe. Maybe if he'd stay with her long enough, he'd suffocate finally. But no. She'd most likely do a mouth-to-mouth on him if that happened. And the last thing he needed was to be resuscitated all over again!

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t.b.c.

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