DISCLAIMER: The character's and the universe of the Battlestar Galactica do not belong to me.

NOTE: The missing scene from "Epiphanies".

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I DIDN'T WANT TO BE BACK ALIVE by -yannik-

Chapter Seven – ULTIMATE FORGIVENESS.

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The Life Station was still, like a breathless emptiness of space. No one moved, as if everything was frozen. Not a breath, not a sound, not a light.

Not true.

There were lights. Soft, dimmed not to disturb the dying woman. Her cancer spread to some parts of her brain, and too bright light might cause her pain. There were sounds. Constant beeping of the machines supporting her fragile life. Supported by the machines in the last hours of her life – how ironic. Luckily those weren't sentient machines. There was breath. She was breathing with audible difficulty. The cancer in her lungs was stealing the air, almost like the space vacuum.

There were people. But they were moving cautiously, carefully. The nurses, walking around her still form, watching the machines, checking for any signs of rebellion. Only this wouldn't be machines' rebellion. It would be a rebellion of her dying body.

There were visitors. Billy, and the Admiral. The latter seated at her bedside, unmoving. Not one move.

Lee stood in the hatch, hesitating. He didn't want to come in. He knew he should, he knew he should have – long time before, when she was still on Colonial One –but he didn't want to. One more thing he didn't want to do.

But he had to – sense of duty.

He stepped closer, approached the transparent curtain of the oxygen tent. Billy noticed him, and came out.

"She's asleep" he whispered. Not a sound.

"I would come later…" Lee hesitated, because he knew…

"There will be no later" Billy spoke the thought aloud.

There will be no later.

"You may sit beside her, till she wakes up. She'd appreciate that."

"I'll do it." Lee nodded.

The Admiral heard them, and came out too.

"Glad you could make it" he said with a harsh voice. There wasn't approval in it – it was resentment. Glad you finally made it. When it's too late. That's what he meant. Lee didn't answer, so William Adama turned to Billy. "I must go to CIC, but I will get back soon."

Billy nodded. There was this silent understanding between the two men, who loved this woman the most.

"Stay with her" Billy whispered again. Lee saw clearly how broken he was, how crumpled and small despite his tall figure. He left, and Lee stayed.

There was no choice now, he had to step in. Had to sit at her side, and watch her die, even if only for a few minutes. But then – was there ever a choice? Ever?…

"Captain Apollo." He heard her faint whisper after a whole eternity.

"Ma'am President."

"I'm so glad you found tome to visit me." What was it in her voice? It was too weak to have any tone, and her eyes were too tired to have any expression. Was she really glad? Was she resentful like his father? Or was she simply indifferent?

"I'm sorry I didn't do that earlier."

"I know. You were busy" she said, and he thought she was disappointed. "I had so much to tell you" her words confirmed that suspicion. And then she smiled the way only Laura Roslin would smile. Knowingly, but at the same time surprised by her own wisdom.

"Yes. I was busy" he lied, disgusted by the silence between them. But the lie was even more disgusting.

She only looked at him then. Only looked for a very long moment, that he didn't dare disturb. She knew it was a lie. She knew him best. She always did.

"Don't grieve" she whispered. "I leave the Fleet in hands of a few competent people. Your father, Billy, you. I trust you. I trust you will continue what we started together. There was so much I wanted to tell you."

"I'll do my best, Ma'am" Lee's voice failed him, and he couldn't choke out anything more.

"You should have come earlier" she whispered again. "But I understand."

"No Ma'am, I…" Lee knew he couldn't lie anymore. He needed to tell her.

But it wasn't necessary. She knew. "I understand" she stressed. "Captain Apollo, I understand your reluctance of coming here, seeing me like this." She was smiling at him again. Knowing. Surprised. He couldn't answer that. "You're afraid, that's natural."

"Afraid?" All of the sudden he had no idea what she was talking about.

"Of me."

"No, I'm not…" he whispered weakly, not really able to argue with her. As if he was the one more drained of them two.

"Shhh. I understand" she insisted, drifting off into her own mind, her memories maybe. "I used to feel that way too. Tense in a presence of a dying person. It reminds people of their own mortality" she looked up at him again, "and that thought… scares them." He was silent. He didn't know how to respond. And she kept looking, and in a moment she continued talking in a faint whisper. "I know, Captain Apollo, that being a viper pilot, you're not supposed to be afraid of death, but… tell me… as a secret." She gave him that knowing smile of hers again, but he wasn't sure of her wisdom anymore. "Just between you and me. Are you really not afraid?"

Lee's gaze fell down on his lap. How was he supposed to tell a dying person, that he'd gladly switch places with her, and that it's sincere. How could he hurt her that much? She wanted to live! He couldn't give her that…

"See?" she whispered, taking his silence as a response she expected.

He looked up, and nodded silently. He couldn't force words from his tightly shut throat.

"I know a lot is going to change" she started speaking again, her voice getting smaller and smaller. "And I'm not just saying about me going away. There's so much more than that happening around. We won a major battle with the cylons, we have Pegasus, your father is an Admiral. There is so much going on. You all have to adjust" she was drifting in and out of the reveries of her mind. Suddenly her sight focused on his face, as she struggled to voice her last will to him and seemingly failed again. "I want you to remember about one thing. For you're the one with soul, you know where the heart of humanity lays. You're the one who must protect humanity. Oh, mighty Apollo, the shepherd of gods' herds, look into the future, and with the help of Pythia, who serves you, find our salvation. There's so much more I wanted to tell you" she repeated the phrase with the same indifferent tone she used before. Closeness of death gives people that indifference to reality.

But Lee knew better than that. She wasn't indifferent. Whatever those words meant, in her last hours she fought to remember the goal of the leaders of the Fleet. The concept beyond those words reminded him why he had always admired her. With her he didn't need to address the issue of Cain's assassination. He could simply think that if she decided to go through with that – it meant this was a right choice.

"I'm tired now" she whispered.

"Good bye, Ma'am Presidend."

"Good bye, Captain Apollo."

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t.b.c.

Reviews are - as always - welcomed and appreciated.