DISCLAIMER: The character's and the universe of the Battlestar Galactica do not belong to me.

NOTE: "Scar" was all about Kara, but what was Lee thinking? Here's what I think…

Tracyj23 BETAed this chapter.
And surprisingly, a few months later, she - unconsciously - used a phrase from it to begin her own story. It doesn't really matter in general, but it matters to me - it made me happy, that some words I wrote, stuck in somebody else's mind, and were partially responsible for another creation. That means that writing fanficition is not as useless as some people say - we can even inspire one another. Keep writing people!

>>

I DIDN'T WANT TO BE BACK ALIVE by -yannik-

Chapter Nine – SCAR

>>

Kara was drinking too much, and Lee knew that. And he didn't do anything about it.

In fact, as long as she was doing her job – which she was – he didn't find it to be a problem. Everything was different somehow, with everyone onboard Galactica stuck in this asteroid field, with no option of FTL escape, attacked by cylon scouts over and over again. Everything seemed surreal, all pilots bunched together as often as they could, boozing their brains out, not even for a card game, but just to sit together, hear others' voices, see their faces. In a way it reminded Lee of the first cylon attack, every thirty three minutes… It was different on every level, except for the cylons participation in the event, but the feeling was the same. Hopeless, endless waiting for it to be over.

Even he – the CAG – chipped in those every-evening gatherings. He tried to work out CAPs and Alert Vipers in a way that would not let any pilot be left out of the meeting twice in a row. This became the most important point of the daily schedule – even more than the morning briefings.

He wasn't doing briefings anymore; he let Starbuck do those. He was still grounded, so it felt unfair to send those kids to combat, knowing that their CAG was safe sitting back. Stabuck was one of them, Apollo wasn't. He even stopped with his physical tests, he wouldn't dare taking away someone's precious spare time, to evaluate his yet another disaster.

He found a way to get over that. To get over his regret, self-loathing and disappointment. He was working. As much as he hated the desk work, it was the only way to get through the day. He realized he was getting slow with all the paperwork. A few months ago he was able to fly CAP, exercise, get all the reports in on time, and still get some decent sleep. Right now he wasn't able to get more than four hours of that per night, mostly not even as much. Lack of sufficient rest was probably one of the reasons his brain sometimes refused to work. Sometimes he was spending long minutes just staring at one page of a report, not able to understand a single word. That made him sit in his office for hours and hours. Luckily – in this mess, that their existence had become – nobody noticed.

Then there came the evening, and Lee was just sitting with his pilots in the rec-room, listening to their quarrels, jokes, complaints. That felt good, relaxing. As if their relaxation was somehow contagious. After an hour or two everyone was heading for their rack, or for another CAP, and Lee was going back to his office. Just to sit for a few more hours, gaping at the pages after pages, after pages.

Sometimes he missed flying. Sometimes hearing pilots talk on wireless made him feel even more empty inside. Their banter, or their terrified screams… when there was nothing he could do to help, not an order he could give to save them from their horrid fate.

On the evening when a new nugget – callsign BB or something – bought it, the rec-room was empty. Only Starbuck there, and a bottle of booze. Lee sat down at the table, without a word. She seemed in need for a company. They downed a few in complete silence. To BB. To the memory of BB.

"You know what gets me?" Lee started suddenly, not even knowing why he spoke. Maybe the alcohol started taking effect? "I know that in two weeks, I won't remember his face. I can't remember any of their faces after they're killed. No matter how hard I try, they just fade."

He didn't expect Kara to answer, but she fell into conversation with an odd statement. "I don't even remember their names."

Names. As Lee started listing the dead pilots call-signs, she spat some booze on him. This profanity somehow brought a smile. "It's not funny" he said, but he laughed. Then eerie grim humor made him want to cry, the mixture of emotions and alcohol so overwhelming.

"You know the President," Kara started the talking now. "The President says that we're saving humanity for... a bright, shiny future. On Earth. That you and I are never gonna see." Where did that nihilism come from? He thought he was the miserable one. "We're not. Because we go out over and over again until someday, some metal mother frakker is gonna catch us on a bad day and just blow us away."

Wow, he had no idea they were actually on the same page. The only problem was that he wasn't going out lately. But who cared? "Bright, shiny futures are overrated anyway" he told her, pouring them both another shot.

"That is why we gotta get what we can. Right now."

A good one. Get what we can right now. Whatever that meant, whatever that was. He had no idea what he wanted to get, but right now was where he lived. One day at the time. "I'll drink to that." He raised his glass. "To right now."

"So, why don't we?" she asked with a strange smile. Perhaps she knew what she wanted.

"Why don't we… what?"

She kissed him. So suddenly it sent shivers down his spine. She tasted like a peach. And she was warm. Alive. He let himself get immersed in her sweet warmth.

Then she pulled him, and – entwined with each other, stumbling on the hatch-stills – they rushed to the bunkroom. Hurry, hurry, her hands searching impatiently for his naked skin. He wanted that, he needed that. The quarters were empty, so it was enough to secure the hatch, and they were alone, just him and Kara. He couldn't believe it was happening! Him and Kara. Her soft skin – all his, her eyes looking at him, her mouth pressed to his, hungry, yearning, longing, wanting. Making him feel alive for the first time in months. Her palms on his back, her nails… Ouch! That hurt!

She pulled him harder. Harder. She lost the rhythm. She had her own pace, as if lost, as if… "Hey, what's going on? Kara, what's going on?"

"What's wrong with you, all right?" she cried, stopping. Waking up from the vivid dream she was in. "Okay, you know what? I don't wanna know. I don't wanna know." She pushed him, and got up. He let her.

"Hey, what about us?" he called, his hopes crumbling down.

"There is no us, all right?" she turned to him with rage. "I just wanted a good lay! There is nothing here! Do you get that? Nothing!"

Nothing. How could he expect…

"Sure."

"My gods!"

That's when he realized how much of a mess she was. How much bigger her mess was than his. When did that happen? How did that happen? How did he allow this to happen?

She was ready to run, he had to stop her. He needed her to stay with him, to tell him… He needed to repair it.

"Hey. Well, that's just great. Frak or fight, huh?" He was still angry. He needed to hold that back in order to help her deal with her anger "Okay, maybe I am just a quick lay. But, Kara, I'm also your friend," he added gently.

"I am hung up on a dead guy, okay?" she was so helpless despite all the fury. "And it is pissing me off! And I don't know what I'm doing!" At least she wanted to explain her actions. Or maybe he just choose to think that's what it was.

"Anders, right?" he sighed "On Caprica, the resistance fighter."

"Yeah, well, Samuel's dead so what does it matter?" Samuel she said. Samuel. She said his name! She said it like… No! Lee couldn't allow himself to feel all the jealousy, he had to focus on her.

"Kara please…"

"I don't need your pity, Lee!"

"You haven't got my pity!" he screamed, before he gave himself a chance to think. He just wanted to be wiser than her; tell her where all her misery came from, overanalyze it 'Lee Adama style'. "Listen, you are fine, you're fine with the dead guys. It's the living ones you can't deal with." He regretted those words the moment he said them.

And he got just what he deserved. A slap in the face.

She had never slapped him before. Punched – yes, hit hard, insulted. But never slapped. And then she pulled him, kissed him, confused him beyond any confusion he'd ever experienced, spun around, opened the hatch, walked off, and slammed it shut. She actually slammed the heavy steel door.

And Lee stayed behind. He wanted to follow her. He knew he should have, but all his strength suddenly left him. He felt completely drained, weak, shattered. He just sat on the bunk gods know how long, until somebody came back from CAP. Then he lay down, and lay there unmoving, staring at the bottom of the rack above. He had no idea when and how he fell asleep.

>>

Scar was dead. Kat killed Scar. And she was glowing, so proud, so happy. But Kara stood up to that. Starbuck took all the glory and turned the celebration into the memorial of those, who gave their lives to protect the collective. It was a beautiful gesture, and very much in her style. She was so selfless. Not many people noticed that, but Lee knew her. He knew her, and he loved her – just for this. And for her courage. And for her love of freedom. And for her craziness. And…

She disappeared from the rec room when he was talking to the XO. Lee wanted to talk to her about her toast, about how she claimed not to remember the names… Why was she lying the other day? He wanted to talk to her about yesterday. It wouldn't be easy, but they needed to accept what happened. They needed to know what exactly did happen. Hot-Dog said he saw her going down to the exercise room.

"…did the right thing," Lee heard a male voice, as he neared the gym "called in your wingman. Okay? Scar's dead. You and Kat came back alive." It was Helo. And it was Kara with him there.

"That's not why I did it though," she said gruffly. "Can't get Anders out of my head. Can't get over this insane hope that maybe he's alive." Anders, Anders again. What is it about him, that he matters to her so?

"You got something to live for now" Helo told her softly. "Not just die for."

And Lee knew he could not get between them now. Kara needed consolation, and he was not the one who could give her that. So she found it elsewhere. That was good; better, because he wasn't really strong enough to be there for her. He tried, and where did that get them? Almost into the rack, though none of them really wanted that. And to a fierce argument. Almost to hatred.

No, if it had to be that way, let it be. She had something to live for. Let it be Anders. What matters is that she regained her will to live. He wanted that for her. He wanted that for himself too. We gotta get what we can – she said. What we can, not what we want – he understood the meaning of her words now. We gotta get what we can. So why don't we?

Early in the morning Lee had a meeting with his father in CIC. And Dee was there, as usual, at communications post. After the briefing, he approached her.

"I'm sorry," he started without a greeting.

"Sorry?"

"For being a jerk. I was a jerk. When you asked where was that going, and I…" he didn't finish. But they both knew what he meant. "I really was a mess" he explained. "And you knew that."

"Yeah. I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have…" now she was embarrassed. That wasn't what he had intended.

"Hey. Not your fault" he tried to cheer her up, but it felt lame. Luckily she understood his good intentions.

"So" she smiled. "What does that mean?"

"I don't know," he smiled back. "Maybe… we should find that out? We're going back to the Fleet in a few days, maybe we could catch some r&r on Cloud Nine? See where it gets us?"

"Wow. Great."

"Fine."

"I'm…uh… Billy and the Prez already left, did they?" she asked and Lee didn't understand why. Or maybe he just didn't want to admit that he knew. "Guess I'm going to have to talk to him… you know. I guess I've been a bit of a jerk too," Dee confessed.

She was still dating Billy! How come he forgot that? How come he was this selfish idiot again? But when he looked into her shining eyes he knew he couldn't back out of it now. Frak! He frakked up once again.

But instead of admitting that, he returned her genuine smile, and waved goodbye. She was sweet. She deserved better than that.

>>

t.b.c.

Reviews are always greatly appreciated. So why don't you?...