DISCLAIMER: The character's and the universe of the Battlestar Galactica do not belong to me.
Chapter EDITED by Tracyj23. Thank you!
NOTE: I apologize upfront – Kara is much more difficult character for me to analyze. She denies so much, she has no idea of her true motives… I still hope I can portray what I feel about her.
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I DIDN'T WANT TO BE BACK ALIVE by -yannik-
Chapter Ten – SCAR (KARA)
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Kat's words were cruel, but they were true. Not this time. Not this time. Not this time.
Too many deaths. Too many friends, too many strangers. Billions were the mass, but those who died since the holocaust counted as more. Much more in Kara's mind. Every single BB counted as thousands before. And it was too heavy for her to bear any longer.
She wanted to be alone. And well, everyone understood that... except for the CAG.
At least he wasn't talking. At least he didn't point out, in that annoyingly soft voice of his, all the twelve things she screwed up this time. They were just sitting there, downing one shot after another. Just like old times. Once upon a time they could sit for hours and not talk. And be comfortable not talking. Maybe they could still…
But he had to ruin it. "You know what gets me?I know that in two weeks I won't remember his face. I can't remember any of their faces after they're killed. No matter how hard I try, they just fade."
As if she cared! "I don't even remember their names," she said, purposely trying to irritate him. He'd think she was so callous that she was able to get over all the dying with such ease. She could, couldn't she? She was Starbuck, buck, buck.
But he didn't say she was evil. Instead he tried to pretend he didn't remember them himself very well. He was so playing with her! He knew each and every one of those who died, he was their CAG, the worst in the history of CAGs.
She spat on him in a hilarious ritual gesture she'd seen somewhere, a long time ago. In that other life.
"It's not funny!"
Oh, but it was!
"Stop it already!"
It was so funny, so fraking funny. Everything was funny, people dying, people running away. Cylons must have laughed their guts out to see the leftovers of humanity in search of a mythical salvation that didn't even exist. The fraking Fleet, that the pilots were bound to protect at a cost of their lives, each worth a thousand of lives even before the cataclysm.
"You know the President says that we're saving humanity." That was funny too, wasn't it? "For... a bright, shiny future. On Earth. That you and I are never gonna see." Because it doesn't even exist. Or does it? "We're not." Because we're going to die. Because our job is dangerous. "Because we go out over and over again until someday, some metal mother frakker is gonna catch us on a bad day and just blow us away."
Did he look surprised? Did she just find something to render the all-knowing Lee Adama spechless?
No. "Bright, shiny futures are overrated anyway," he said, catching her off guard.
Oh, right! How could she forget? He wanted to die. He told her as much. Oh, alright. So she wanted to die too. So they could be together in the afterlife. Frak. Was there even such thing as frakking in the afterlife? – she wondered, more and more amused. Perhaps it was even better than frakking in real life, but right now this was all there was. A little frak. Why not?
"That is why," she started seductively, "we gotta get what we can. Right now."
He looked up at her. "I'll drink to that," he said. "To right now." He was completely clueless! It was so sweet.
"So, why don't we?" she asked, enjoying his naiveté.
"Why don't we… what?"
Why don't I tell you? Why don't I show you?
She kissed him. Her move startled even her, but when he responded with a slight parting of his lips, with a soft, warm breath on her tongue, she knew it was the right thing. She knew she wanted that.
So she grabbed him, and pulled him, and dragged him back to their bunkroom. Where they could be alone, and fulfill her dreams. Dreams of Lee loving her, really loving her. She couldn't remember how long those dreams had haunted her. Right now it seemed it had been forever. She dreamt of him whilst being with the Major, she dreamt of him while she was with Baltar. Damn, even Anders had something of Lee in him. Maybe even Zak, though Zak was an almost Lee – his brother. Zak died. Anders died most likely too. And Lee...
"Hey, what's going on?" He wasn't making love to her anymore. He was hovering above, just looking, watching. Why?
"What's wrong with you, all right?" she cried, and stopped. She knew what was wrong. He didn't die yet. "Okay, you know what? I don't wanna know. I don't wanna know." She pushed him, and got up.
He let her! But then he called angrily, "Hey, what about us?"
"There is no us, all right?" She turned to him in a rage. There couldn't be any 'us'! She was too much of a bad charm. So this wasn't about them, it was… "I just wanted a good lay! There is nothing here! Do you get that? Nothing!"
"Sure" he said. There was nothing there. Nothing that mattered for him.
"My gods!"
Why was he still there? Why wouldn't he just walk away and leave her? Didn't she tell him clearly enough that he was not what she wanted?
If he was not going to walk away, she was.
"Hey," he called. "Well, that's just great. Frak or fight, huh? Okay, maybe I am just a quick lay. But, Kara, I'm also your friend," he added gently, trying to stop her. What the frak for? Wasn't she clear enough? Did he need it in caps in front of his face?
"I am hung up on a dead guy, okay? And it is pissing me off! And I don't know what I'm doing!" And I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore.
"Anders, right?" he whispered "On Caprica, the resistance fighter." He remembered. So what?
"Yeah, well, Samuel's dead so what does it matter?" Nothing matters. It's not what I wanted from you Lee!
"Kara please…"
"I don't need your pity, Lee!"
"You haven't got my pity!" he screamed. "Listen, you are fine, you're fine with the dead guys. It's the living ones you can't deal with." If he only knew how right he was!
She slapped him for voicing that truth. It was a truth she just couldn't handle right now!She couldn't handle not handling it. She wanted to kiss him, and she wanted to leave him. She wanted him to want her, and she wanted to go away.
She didn't know what she wanted.It would be easier if she was just dead, like those men she'd onceloved.
She understood now, how he felt that day...
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t.b.c.
NOTE: I am aware that a lot in this chapter could be called "wishful thinking", and I'm not proud of it. But I just can't get – and I don't want to get – Kara's love for Anders. And that is how I try to understand her behavior. If it's not working for you – feel free to chastise me.
-Y-
