DISCLAIMER: The character's and the universe of the Battlestar Galactica do not belong to me.
NOTE: set after "Sacrifice".
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I DIDN'T WANT TO BE BACK ALIVE by -yannik-
Chapter Eleven- PRODIGAL DAUGHTER
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She almost killed him. She almost killed another man she… NO!
She almost killed him, because she didn't really love him. She didn't love him.
Upon return from Cloud Nine Kara went to the showers, changed her cloths and done hundreds of other nonsense things. She couldn't get herself to go down to the Life Station and ask how he was. But putting it off was a torture, so after two long hours she found herself in the waiting room. It was empty, and the nurse told her Captain Adama was still in a surgery.
So she left. She couldn't wait there; the torture was even harder to endure.
But she kept coming back and when she was finally told he was out of the surgery and resting… there was Dualla by his bedside. Dualla of all people! No wonder – she must have been devastated after Billy's death, so maybe she felt that being with Captain Adama, who survived, would somehow compensate for her loss? People tend to think in odd ways, and Kara didn't really want to dwell upon someone else's feelings – her own were too frakked up at the moment.
So she didn't come near to his bedside. She remained outside the curtained area for a while. For a long while, because she just couldn't make herself move away, she had to watch his chest rise and fall slightly.
But this long while got too long, when she heard Dualla's whispered words. "You have to stay, you have to really stay. I'll be here when you wake up." These weren't words of a concerned colleague. This wasn't the tone of an officer talking to her fellow coworker.
And then it hit her – all the rumors and suspicions suddenly clicked in her head, and Kara had to hold herself back with all the might she had left, not to run out from the Life Station. She walked out quickly, giving one last glance at the two of them.
Lovers. That's what the rumors were saying.
She didn't want to go back there, tried to convince herself, she could fill her days with flying, and doing all the jobs of acting CAG. At night she kept seeing his eyes. As he struggled to look back at her then, on Cloud Nine, as if he needed to make sure she escaped safely. It was impossible, but that's how she read his look. He was always forgiving her. Always. He even forgave her for killing his brother. Could he forgive her for almost killing him? Or maybe for not killing? Maybe he still wanted to die, maybe that's why he didn't take cover?
No. No she didn't want to think this way, it was wrong. He didn't want to die, he wanted to live. He had a reason to live: she saw him with Dualla. There was obviously something. He fell in love with Dualla. He did. So he had a purpose to live now. It was Dualla.
She hated Dualla!
And then she couldn't stop herself from mooning around Life Station anymore. Hurting each time she saw Dualla there. But she deserved to be hurting! Pain was something she needed, to be punished adequately to her guilt. So she punished herself with the sight of Dualla tending to her Lee. Of her giving him water to sip, holding his head, stroking his hair, touching his hand. It pained her to see him so weak, so fragile. Lee was never weak and fragile. Lee was supposed to be strong.
And yet – he wasn't. She did that to him. She had to remind herself about that every day – many times each day – watching him struggle to get better, watching Dualla helping him to recover.
Until the moment when Dualla wasn't there. And he was obviously hurting, or… "Lee?" she was by his side, before she knew that.
"Dad…" he whispered weakly, not opening his eyes. "Thought I heard his… his voice."
"Yes" Kara whispered too, her heart breaking. She'd been here – just outside Life Station – really often, but she'd never seen the Admiral. "He was called off" she lied. Lee only nodded, and Kara felt the urge to explain the Old Man. "He has duties."
"I know" came soft reply. Then two forced breaths. And another whisper: "I'm used to it."
Tears stung her eyes. Poor Lee…
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"Sir? May I?"
"Starbuck. What can I do for you?"
His voice was cold, expression almost hostile, but not really. Kara could tell he treated her differently somehow. But not like he blamed her. Not like he hated her for almost killing his other son. More like… he didn't know how to feel towards her. Like he wanted to hate her, but somehow… didn't.
"What is it Strabuck?" he urged, looking up from the papers on his desk.
He was busy, and she was disturbing – she realized. That made her tense, but she was not a coward and once she decided to do something, there was no way of stopping her.
"I'm sorry sir, but I just wanted to ask… And I'm probably the last person who should do that" she could admit that, because that was true, "but… I just think you should… Well…" she started stammering. So she wasn't as strong as she suspected after all.
The Admiral eyed her with a slight hint of impatience. "Well, maybe just say it" he urged in a way she had never heard him before.
But she had to push the hurt away.
Just say it. Yes, just say it. It's easy. "Have you seen Lee?" she just said it. And met his startled… and offended… gaze.
"I have" he answered slowly. Dangerously.
There was no turning back now, it felt like when she engaged a cylon Raider. No turning back. And that's probably why it was suddenly easier. "Does he know that?" Kara asked bluntly.
"What?"
"Was he conscious when you were there, did you talk?" she explained. And guilt took control of her again. "I know I'm not supposed to tell you anything, all of this being my screw up again, and… but…" She had to get back on track. She braced herself inwardly. What did she want to talk about? "I heard him say… Heard him say he's used to it. Used to you always being away, always being called on duty. I heard him say that, I heard Zak say that… Too many times." She choke. She nearly broke into tears at all those memories. "You should go there and sit there until he wakes up and sees you, and has a chance to talk to you. He needs you."
"Kara…" his voice was stiff. But she could no longer see his face, her vision fogged by tears.
She managed to stammer one more: "He needs you. I'm sorry I caused all that. I'm sorry." And she turned away and run out of his quarters.
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Bill Adama was not the person to sit by someone's bedside, it was too disturbing. He loved his son, but seeing him suffer was one of the toughest experiences ever. Zak had died quickly. One blast and he'd been gone. That had been painful too, knowing they'd never talk again, he'd never see his boy's smile, read a letter full of over exaggerated comments about Flight School. About that extraordinary girl he'd met.
That girl… No, Bill didn't want to think about that girl. He didn't know what to think about her now.
So there was Lee. Cottle said his wound was serious, and he was brought in late – but not too late. Doc removed the bullet, repaired damaged tissues, gave the patient all sorts of medication. And he said that from the medical point of view everything should be fine. But Lee wasn't getting any better.
Bill remembered that ten days after being shot, he himself was back on duty. Weak, and in pain, but still able to do his job. It didn't seem to be the case with Lee. The boy was coming in and out from coma, and from what Cottle suspected – he simply wasn't fighting. He simply gave up.
This was not like Lee. This was not like Bill's son.
Sitting there and worrying was too unsettling for the Admiral. He fought the urge to get up, and leave more times than he dared to count. But he remained at his son's side for a few hours now. Lee should wake up, at least for a moment, just to look at his old man. Perhaps Kara was right, and his little boy just needed some encouragement from his Dad? Bill was willing to give it with all his heart.
"Dee?…" a soft whisper reached Admiral's ears. Dee? Why Dee?
"Son?" Bill gripped Lee's hand.
"Dad?" Lee's eyes snapped open, and recognition flared briefly. Then his eyelids fluttered, but a small smile remained on his lips. A grip against Bill's hand tightened for a moment and Lee fought to stay conscious. "Kara?" there came another whisper. "She made it?"
"Yes. Kara is fine" Bill answered, dumbfounded. Why was Lee asking about Kara?
"Yeah…" Lee sighed. "She tough. Will she… come?" he tried to open his eyes again. And when Bill didn't know what to say – after all Kara was here before, didn't they talk? – Lee nodded calmly. "It's okay. Tell her… not her fault." His voice weak and shattered, Lee still tried to say something. Like it was the most important message he was to deliver. "I should've… cover, but… I thought… Starbuck… and Apollo… would save the day again. We always do that y'know? So I thought… I'm sorry. Tell her I'm sorry."
"You'll tell her yourself" Bill urged, holding his son's feeble palm.
"Tell her" Lee mouthed, to tired to even whisper.
And then he just sighed and fell back to sleep.
Was that all he had to say to his old man? Bill was disappointed, angry that Kara put him through these long hours of sitting and waiting, and suffering at the sight of his son's suffering – just for him to hear the words that were spoken to her. What was it about her? That extraordinary girl…
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Bill checked the reports from the mission on Could Nine for the up-tenth time. And then he called Captain Thrace in.
"You wanted to see me, sir?"
"Yes, Starbuck. There was something in the report from Cloud Nine" he started and saw her face harden. But he had to do this. He needed some explanation. "When you started shooting… Did everyone take cover?"
Starbuck… No, not Starbuck. Kara. Kara stared at him, and strived to regain some control over her features. But they just wouldn't obey, as full range of emotions flared through her eyes, her trembling lips, fluttering nostrils. There was grief, pain, hurt, anger. But Admiral only looked, expectantly. He needed an answer.
"Lee didn't" she finally sputtered.
"Lee didn't" Admiral repeated. "And that's why he's lying there right now!" He didn't even predict how furious that would make him feel. Was it Lee's own stupidity that got him nearly killed? Maybe it would be better if it was really Starbuck's fault?
"That's very handy, to blame the victim of shooting" Kara hissed suddenly, and Adama looked up to her. Her pose was all respect – at attention, straight and formal. But her eyes were blazing. They could burn.
"It was nobody's fault" Adama said slowly. He realized he was losing perspective, he was getting personal. And though it was more personal than anything ever before, he had to stay focused. "It was an accident" he reminded, but she didn't seem convinced.
"Yeah" she whispered, and hung her head. Her switches of emotions were disturbing, but he knew exactly where she was now. He knew her that well.
"You're blaming yourself, Starbuck, I know that. But I do not" he stressed. "And I can assure you – neither does Lee."
She looked up, hearing this, her eyes ironic, full of anger, self-disgust and… hope. She didn't say anything though.
"Did you talk to him?" he asked after a moment as a realization dawned on him.
"I… I can't go there." She was so vulnerable. He couldn't recognize her… Where did her fighter spirit go away? "I can't. Not after what I've done."
"I think you should. And I think you will."
He knew very well that it wouldn't be easy to convince Kara to face his son, but he also knew, that they had to deal with it on their own.
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t.b.c.
