DISCLAIMER: The character's and the universe of the Battlestar Galactica do not belong to me.

NOTE: set after "Sacrifice". Lee's point of view. Kind of.

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I DIDN'T WANT TO BE BACK ALIVE by -yannik-

Chapter Twelve – REASON TO FIGHT

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From darkness came light.

From silence came voices.

And faded away…

"…you have to stay…"

"…you have to fight…"

"…you have to live…"

There was a chance. He had a chance. Finally. To have it over with.

But they wouldn't let him.

They would call him. They would force him to stay. They wouldn't understand.

He had to stay.

Alright. So he had to stay. Somehow he understood it was important. Somehow he knew that if he didn't stay, She would feel guilty. Somehow if he died, She would feel responsible, and that couldn't happen. That was taboo. That was forbidden.

So he stayed for Her.

But he wasn't going to fight. He didn't have the strength to fight. Maybe if She came… maybe if he was able to tell Her it wasn't Her fault… Maybe then he wouldn't have to stay. Maybe She would let him go.

But he knew She wouldn't.

If She came, She'd be just one more voice telling him to fight.

And he didn't have the strength to fight.

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"Are you awake? Maybe this is not the best moment?"

Lee struggled to keep his eyes open. His father was there. His father wanted something. It was so foggy. His father's face had this pleading expression.

"I'm… fine."

"I don't want to push you to anything, but it took me a while to convince her, and…" Her. Lee could hardly comprehend his father's next words. Her. It could only be Her.

"It's okay" he whispered. "Let her in."

The curtain rippled, and through it came… Laura. Madam President. Her lips were smiling, but her eyes were hard. It didn't matter.

Lee squinted and turned away.

It wasn't Her.

He heard rapid movements. The curtain's ripple and his father's voice calling "Laura!" It didn't matter. "I'm sorry about her" his father said softly, apologetically. "She's still upset. After what happened to Billy. I'm not asking you to understand, but she's… She's upset. She'll come to visit you later."

It didn't matter.

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A familiar touch brought him from darkness. It always did. It was persistent.

"Lee?"

He looked at her silently. That's how they talked most of the time. He just looked.

"You have to fight. Doc says you're fine. The wound is healing just fine. But you have to pull yourself together. It's up to you. A lot is up to you."

Why was she there? Why was she so persistent?

So they had talked. A lot. So she had been supportive and helpful those past few months. She'd wanted to be helpful, but he hadn't really let her in. So she'd thought she'd been falling in love. Perhaps she had. It wasn't for him to judge. But then – there was Billy. They had broken up, but he had been on Cloud Nine

On Cloud Nine

What happened to Billy?

"What happened to Billy?"

She froze. She stopped lightly caressing his palm. She stopped talking. She was sitting there, staring. Her mouth opening and closing in silence.

She didn't start talking for a little while, and he didn't make it easier for her.

"What do you know?" she finally asked.

"That the Prez… is upset" he whispered.

She took a deep breath. And one more deep breath. "Billy died" she said in a clear voice. "On Cloud Nine. He was shot." She kept looking him straight in the eye all the while she was talking. "It happened quickly, right in the aorta. He did not suffer. I lost him. I know I did lose him earlier, I know I did. But somehow it didn't make losing him again any easier. So I lost him twice, but this permanent loss is more difficult I guess. Even though he didn't belong to me. Technically. But the thing is… as it looks… right now. I don't want to lose you too. That would be too much. I can't lose you. So that's why, Lee, you have to fight. You have to live. Do you understand?"

So he had no choice. So they made that choice for him again.

Somehow he knew Dee would eventually resuscitate him…

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t.b.c.

NOTE: Did you know that "Anastasia" meant "Resurrection" in Greek? Hmmm…