A/N: So, you know how I said these scenes work as bonus content within the story? Oopsie, this one kinda doesn't. BUT it's a little window into my writing process and I love this scene, so I'm uploading anyway because I have no self control. Also, almost nothing in this story has been beta read so. Apologies, lol.
I spent a LOT of time rewriting Chapters 17 and 18. This scene is from the third rewrite when I tried having Addie and Cas take some time apart to throw Miraz off their scent. Ultimately, with what I've planned for future chapters, splitting them up this early just didn't quite work. The writing process did, however, gift us with this scene of Caspian eating Addie out against a bookshelf. Which was just too delicious to consign to the scrap pile.
Content Warning: sexual content
A Prince on His Knees
Addie
With Anna gone and still no answers, Addie's work days stretch impossibly long. Ending the day at sunset is a thing of the past, even though Perla's managed to find a fourth maid to even their numbers again - a small slip of a girl from the city, no more than fourteen. Sellea is sweet enough, but she doesn't know the kitchen or Perla's rules like the rest of them do. Perla only found her after weeks of pestering.
When Addie came here, work at the castle was something you fought for - positions never stayed available for long. But Sellea was the first interest they had in over a month of word of mouth advertising.
Still, she shouldn't complain. For some strange reason, Perla saw fit to effectively promote her to Ana's old position.
"Extra hours did you good," Perla had said. "You know the work. Get to it."
That left Lola mostly in charge of training Sellea. Maybe that's why Perla did it. Addie's all too aware she's in little state to be training anyone, let alone a sweet girl who doesn't know what mess she's walked into yet.
It's wise to keep her distance. No one else should get hurt just because Addie was stupid enough to fall for a prince with a sword aimed at his neck.
Work is a good thing. Work keeps her busy. Work is there when she wakes in the middle of the night. There's always work to do, and Addie's early mornings help lighten the day's load. That's something. That's useful.
It's good for tiring her out before she has to go to Caspian's rooms. She can't miss him as much if she can barely keep her eyes open. She can't worry as much either. What use is there in worrying if she can't do anything about it?
Work, she can do.
Reading the books he leaves for her, she can do that too. But as the weeks go on, she slows her pace as she struggles with the words. Caspian's done well choosing things with different script styles so she can practice, but part of her is starting to hate these little scraps of him. Perhaps she should be holding these little pieces of his library close to her heart, seeing them for the last point of connection they are. She should be happy they still have this. She should be devouring every word on the pages, because if she knows Caspian at all, she knows he's picked each one carefully. Each one can tell her how he's doing, what he wants her to know, how much he misses her.
Tonight, after hours of work from well before sunrise to well after sunset, Addie can't care about a book or finding a new candle or whatever message Caspian might be sending her with this latest pick - something romantic, from the looks of it. She hates the sight of it. It's just one more reminder that a book is the only thing she has of him now.
Weeks, he said. It's been weeks. It's been more weeks than she ever thought he could stand.
Maybe he's forgotten about her by now. Maybe the little while really meant for good, and he just didn't say so. Wouldn't he have said so?
Anger uncurls low in her belly, hot and vicious and exactly what she doesn't need right now. She needs to sleep so she can be less cranky tomorrow, maybe help Lola with Sellea in the evening so she can run off to Alfonso. One of them, at least, should have time with the man they love. And if Lola has her evenings with Alfonso, that spares Addie their longing gazes from the window on late nights. She wants to be happy for them, truly, but missing Caspian is worse when she sees Lola and Alfonso pining. At least they have the promise of each other every night. At least they can go home to each other.
Gods, she's an idiot. She spent so long calling Caspian one, but it's her. She fell in love with the prince. The prince who was always going to die if Lord Miraz had his way. Not that she knew that at the time.
Addie strips down to her shift and curls into a tight ball on her cot, knees to her chest with her threadbare blanket tucked around her feet. It's useless thinking like that. She needs to sleep and carry on like she always has. She's survived worse than this. With Claudia and Sellea already quietly asleep, she really has no excuse for not joining them.
An hour later, she's still staring at the wall.
If he meant for good, he damn well should have had the decency to say so. She could forget him so much easier if he'd just broken things off cleanly. He'd made it sound so… temporary. Like it was a measure of his care for her, that he didn't want her to come to him anymore.
I do want you, Addie. But I need you safe more.
Caspian has always been overly polite. Was that just his way of dismissing her?
Addie chews on her lower lip until she tastes blood. Blood brings clarity.
If that's what he meant, she deserves to hear it said aloud. And if it's not, well, it's been weeks just like he said. One way or another, this strange state of disquiet ends tonight.
Book in hand, Addie throws on her dress and the cloth shoes she and Lola made one summer when they couldn't stand the wooden kitchen shoes one moment more. At first it was strange feeling so much of the floor's texture under her feet. But when she was visiting Caspian, they were wonderfully quiet.
She'll be careful.
In less than ten minutes, Addie's standing outside the door with her palm pressed to the wood. Perhaps she should have knocked, but then she might stop and think what she's doing, and it would be silly to turn back now. She came all the way here in the dead of night. No sense taking the risk if she doesn't make the most of it. So Addie pushes open the door and slides inside to the soft candlelight.
Caspian jolts in his chair, rattling the papers his face was resting on. One of his note papers sticks to his cheek as he blinks up at her with a hand clutched at his hip.
"It's late," she blurts, quiet as she can manage. "Shouldn't you be in bed?"
"Lion's Mane, Addie, what are you doing?" Caspian stands in a hurry, bumping his hip and nearly tripping over the chair leg as he brushes the page off his cheek.
Addie nearly leans back against the bookcase door just to seem more at ease than she is, but seeing him not two feet from her after weeks is too much. She's launched herself at him before she can remember such trivial things as conversation and questions and demanding to know if he meant forever instead of a little while, and gods, the way he throws his arms around her is nearly worth so much wondering.
She kisses him until he moans her name, until he falls against her and the bookshelf digs into her back as he holds her like he never asked her to go. Like she never agreed. She kisses him like a last time, a first time, like everything between the two.
Addie, however, stops her moans before they can escape her throat. Quiet, that's what she said they could be. Maybe if she keeps quiet, he won't stop to think what they're doing. They can deal with the rest of this later.
For now, she's missed him.
It takes surprisingly little to sweep him away. Addie lets her hands wander where they may, up his arms, curled around his shoulders, clutching his back, pulling him closer by his ass. She never noticed how flat his bum is; surely sitting down to study so much must get tiresome with so little cushion. When she slides her hands up and around to his belt, she finds a small sheath at his left hip. Her fingers trace the simple shape of a dagger tucked behind fine leather.
Caspian's mouth leaves hers as he finds her hand and tries to tug it away.
"Addie- "
"How bad is it?" She should be softer, kinder, anything but this question lashing from her teeth like she's accusing him.
Gods, the moment is fading already. The air stretches thin and fragile between them, like even it knows that if they stop now, they'll never start back up again.
Addie's ready when he falters, when he starts to pull away and leaves the cool sting of rejection blooming over her cheeks. She curls her fingers tighter, one hand fisted around his waistband and the other in his with a dagger hilt between their palms.
"You shouldn't be here," Caspian murmurs. His warm breath puffs between them as his free hand finds her jaw. "It's -"
"Yes," Addie whispers. "It's been weeks."
Caspian falls quiet a moment too long. Just long enough for the shape of his uncertainty to rise between them like a wall. He'll turn to worrying, now. He'll give her a dozen, a hundred very good reasons why she shouldn't be here and why she doesn't deserve to be stalked through the castle just for caring for him. He'll tell her anything but a firm goodbye, just like last time.
That's not what she came here for. So Addie opens her mouth and speaks while he's still trying to figure out how to say it.
"If you don't want me here," she says, "just say so. Tell me to go, and I won't come back."
At least then, she'll have a definite goodbye to keep her strong. She can't wonder about him if he spells it out. She can't imagine he'd kiss her like a blessing and a curse if he's told her to go with that same mouth. She can force herself to forget him, then. But she needs to hear it. She'll drag every word from his throat if she has to.
But Caspian is pressing his forehead to hers and holding her face like a treasure, those lips parted around some stillborn almost explanation. He's not holding her like a man saying goodbye.
Damn him. It's only making this harder.
And yet, when his mouth finds hers, she welcomes it. She welcomes the fervent press of his tongue, the heat of his skin, the desperate sweep of his hands over her curves. Her hands find their way under his clothes on some mad, self-destructive impulse, because of course she can't stand to give this up even if it burns her later.
She is allowed this. She can't be blamed for seizing whatever little time this is.
In her defense, she's never been good at goodbyes.
So when Caspian's kisses sweep down to her neck, she pulls his shirt hem from his pants. When he hikes up her skirts and picks her up like she weighs nothing and the books behind her wobble precariously as he grinds into her, she yanks his shirt up and away until she has the luxury of his skin beneath her fingertips, a long expanse of smooth heat and slimly corded muscles. Caspian isn't especially hairy, and she likes it. She likes the easy glide of her hands over his skin.
A brief flash of pain sparks across her lower lip when Caspian's mouth returns to hers. Surprise slacks her jaw around a throaty moan, and all at once the only thought she can muster is relief at the taste of him as his tongue presses with hers, soothing the sting of the bite.
Addie's lips curl around a smile. That's something she might have done, probably to jolt Caspian from staring or babbling on.
It seems only fair she returns the favor, just in case he thinks of slowing the pace again and oh it isn't fair, the way he groans. They're supposed to be quiet, for Tash's sake. But Addie shoves down his pants and grips his length anyway, because it's been weeks and he does want her and she'd be a fool not to enjoy this while she has it.
He's leaking. And she knows without feeling that she's ready too, or at least ready enough. Caspian quickly learned which angles brought a flood of slick from her, and it seems he didn't forget.
He didn't forget. Addie rolls her hips down until his tip brushes her.
Is he even trying to be quiet, keening against her like that? If this is Caspian restrained, what other sounds can she coax from him?
She grazes his tip again. Caspian's kiss dissolves into a shuddering, wordless plea, and Addie can't resist descending to his neck. She has the wherewithal to go gently at first, each open-mouthed kiss lingering like a question. In answer, his neck stretches longer as his hips stutter closer. Addie sucks a mark just as he slides inside her.
Hardly a moment later, he's stuck. The first thrust does that sometimes, usually when she rushes into things. Like now.
Frustration won't help, but Addie wiggles impatiently anyway. It's not fair, how long her body can take to warm up.
He's pulling away. She tries to keep him close, tries to wrap her legs so tight he can't slide free.
"Cas- "
She doesn't have time to finish his name before he's slid down to his knees before her with his mouth on her inner thigh, his breath fanning over her skin as he skims sucking little kisses higher and higher. Addie cuts herself off with a sigh caught in her throat, caught rudely on some protest or plea. Her right foot wobbles on the floor, and Caspian kissing ever higher but not quite high enough doesn't help her balance.
His mouth finds her. Her knees buckle.
Somehow, Addie finds enough sense to grab onto the nearest shelf. The wood holds steady, though she can't say the same for the books. It's fitting, in a way; the first time they explored each other, they sent books flying too. Hopefully they have sturdy covers.
Caspian's fingers sink into her left thigh as he props her leg up on his shoulder. Each fingerprint brands her like a promise. Or, perhaps, an apology. A goodbye? She can't tell anymore, not with Caspian's tongue swirling like that between her legs, just hard enough to send little shocks into her belly. But it's not enough, not quite, not like this, not even when his tongue swipes down to her entrance.
"Fingers," Addie gasps. "Gods, please, use your- "
The thing about Caspian is that he listens when she tells him what she wants. He listens almost too well, and so it really isn't her fault how suddenly her legs give out. Two fingers gliding inside her with no warning but her own plea can do that.
She doesn't get the chance to fall. Caspian tucks her other leg over his shoulder and keeps her mostly upright, knees slung over his shoulders as he buries his face deeper between her legs. That can't be comfortable, how can he even breathe? And his neck?
Addie tries to ask if the angle is alright, but the question melts into a groan when Caspian curls his fingers and sucks hard enough her legs spasm. She's supposed to be quiet, they're supposed to be quiet, how can she be quiet when his tongue flicks over her like that, when the only thing keeping her aloft is his shoulders and the strength of his hand on her thigh?
For a man on his knees, Caspian has wonderful dexterity. He works her right to the edge with all the rawness of someone who actually missed her, someone who's glad she's here. But what tips her over is his sounds, the rumbling little moans that vibrate exactly where she needs, there at the centerpoint of all this heat between her legs. Caspian works his mouth and groans like she's the most delicious thing he's ever tasted and there's nothing she can do, nothing but tumble beneath the coming wave and pray he can keep hold of her as she wails.
It must have been so many nights without him, Addie muses as the gentle haze weighs her down, turns her into a limp mess in Caspian's hands. It must have been the weeks of missing and wondering and wishing. It must have been the sudden relief of him needing her too that finished her so quickly.
And this warm gentle wave after, that must be because Caspian's still busy murmuring sweet nothings as he plays with her, still under her skirts. His touch is nearly too much in the aftershocks, but the wet heat of his tongue soothes her raw skin in the best way.
"So much for quiet," Addie mumbles. "Gods."
Her vision clears enough she catches the satisfied curve of Caspian's lips as he kisses her long and slow, his tongue tinged with the taste of her.
"I always want you here," he whispers. His hands are so, so gentle as he helps her find the floor again, helps her balance herself even though he doesn't move to stand himself. "Always, Addie. Never doubt that."
Addie pulls him to his feet so she can kiss him again. "If that's your way of reassuring me, I might keep wondering. Though I'll try to be quieter."
"I like hearing you." Caspian kisses her so soundly her toes curl. When she wobbles, he hauls her up until she wraps her legs around his waist. He wastes little time in carrying her to the bedroom and quite a lot of it settling her gently on the bed.
His arms loosen. The distance between them widens again, and Addie can't stop herself from reaching for him as he pulls away and stands beside the bed as if she's not currently sitting there with him nestled between her legs.
"It's not safe, Addie," Caspian murmurs. "It never was, but now, it's…"
She knows. Anna's empty bed haunts her shared room every night. But in these miserable weeks apart, Addie's also known how much worse it is to face this alone.
"I know," Addie answers, and oh, how her throat burns around the admission. "But isn't it worse, going at it alone? It was for me."
Was? Is.
Caspian strokes her cheek and kisses her forehead. The first brush of his lips is soft, ticklish like a feather. But a moment later, the kiss presses like a brand into her skin.
"There wasn't a moment I didn't miss you," he says. "That I didn't think of you, pray you were safe. I nearly strayed to the kitchen half a dozen times."
"I wish you had." Her hands wander up his arms and rest just above his elbows. His shirt is bumpy under her fingertips - embroidery, probably. Addie glances down and sure enough, there are the flowers she noticed on the night they met. Addie traces one with yellow petals and a blue center. "Perla would love meeting the infamous Mr. Flowers."
Caspian laughs into her hair, and it's simply not fair of him to stifle the sound. Addie cranes her neck back to catch the smile and tuck it into her memory. There it is, bright and sudden as if it took him by surprise as much as it did her.
"Mr. Flowers?"
Addie's cheeks heat in spite of herself. "I didn't know who you were at first," she mumbles. "Thought you were just some noble's son, and I had to call you something."
Caspian's smile widens, and Addie thinks she'd do just about anything to keep him smiling like that. Like he's forgotten all his worries and tragedies.
"You could have asked," he says. "I'd have told you my name."
Addie arches an eyebrow even though a lopsided smile of her own tugs at the corner of her mouth. "I was busy being annoyed. And you were busy being insufferably polite."
Caspian gapes down at her. "I expected to find an empty kitchen, and instead I found you. My manners were quite appropriate."
"You put a wooden plank to shame, standing like that." Addie pokes him in the side just to bring that smile back. There it is, brighter than the sun as he snatches her wrist and tugs her hand away. "I liked you much better sitting on the floor snacking with me."
Caspian releases her wrist and tangles their fingers together. "Highly improper," he says with another kiss to her hairline. "But I got the sense you were testing me."
This time, Addie's smile breaks free in earnest. "Yes," she says, "you're very good at rising to a challenge."
Caspian laughs again as her free hand strays to his hip and kisses her without answering. But really, a probing kiss like that is a perfectly good response, especially as he presses her back into the bed and covers her body with his own. Addie wraps her arms around him and scoots up the bed with Caspian's help. He spends a lovely few minutes kissing her mouth and her neck, his hands wandering over her breasts just firmly enough to frustrate her. Shouldn't he be going under her dress by now, getting their clothes out of the way so they can reunite in earnest?
Addie's one good kiss from taking matters into her own hands when Caspian stops. Again. His lips hover cruelly just out of reach as he holds her in place with careful hands on her cheeks and his forearms braced by her shoulders.
"I can't see you hurt," he whispers. "I need you safe."
It seems they won't be finishing what they started up against the bookshelf until this is resolved. Couldn't they just talk after? But when Addie tries to kiss him again, he keeps her head down against the pillow. So instead, she pushes out what she hopes is a coherent counter argument.
"I need you safe too," Addie says. "So let's start there."
Caspian's hands tremble, just the slightest bit. Just enough she knows how afraid he must be. "I don't know how to do that if we keep this up. With my uncle's heir well on the way, it…" Caspian looks away, and it's too similar to their last talk like this.
Addie is the one taking his face in her hands now, turning him back so she can look into his eyes. So he has to look into hers and face how much neither of them can stand being apart.
"Why not do that together? Because this method certainly isn't working. Assuming you hated it as much as I did."
"Of course I did." Caspian rests his forehead against hers again. Being held by him like this is its own kind of heaven, even with Caspian so distracted he can't keep his eyes or his lips quite still. "But it's not just sneaking around. If my aunt bears a son, I can't stay here. And you shouldn't either."
Addie's hands stall in his hair as she combs it back from his face. Marcos said as much, but it's different to hear it from Caspian.
"And go where? I don't… I don't really have anywhere else to go. And what'd happen to everyone else?" Addie tries not to stiffen and pull away, but she can barely stand anyone looking right at her when almost-mentions of her family come up. Everyone she knows has some sort of family tie, a little house or hut within a few days' travel they grew up in, with a town of childhood friends.
But Caspian doesn't get that pitying look she's seen from others. He doesn't frown or ask what she means or say surely she came from somewhere and someone, no need to be ashamed of them. He simply strokes her cheek and kisses her as light as a feather.
"If they know nothing, they'll live. My uncle can't dispose of an entire kitchen's staff. And then we'll find somewhere," he answers, with something like a promise echoing between them. "Perhaps beyond Narnia, or perhaps somewhere deep in the forests. But if all the lords rally to Miraz, we'd always be on the run." Caspian's fingers still on her skin, his thumb lingering at the corner of her mouth. "I'd spare you that life, if I can."
It's a sweet sentiment, but Addie already knows what she wants. And she thinks maybe he wants that too, no matter how much he tries to convince himself not to.
So Addie takes hold of this overthinking prince with a too-wide protective streak and kisses him until he's dough in her hands, warm and pliant and molded into her. "There are worse things," she says. "Just don't send me away."
Caspian's dark brown eyes search hers long enough her lips feel chilled without him.
"I promise," he murmurs. "If you're certain. If that's what you want."
"I don't want to be without you, if that's what you mean." A sudden shyness heats her neck, and Addie remembers how easy it was for him to send her away before. "What about you?"
Caspian blinks down at her, confusion quirking his eyebrows at odd angles. It's cute, damn him.
Addie pushes past the uncomfortable itch in her throat and distracts herself by sliding her hands under his shirt. "What do you want?"
Caspian falls into her mouth with all the certainty of someone who missed her like she missed him. Fortunately, his kisses and the easy rhythm of their bodies is answer enough.
