DISCLAIMER: The character's and the universe of the Battlestar Galactica do not belong to me.
NOTE: set before, during and after "The Captain's Hand".
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I DIDN'T WANT TO BE BACK ALIVE by -yannik-
Chapter Thirteen – REUNION
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He couldn't believe Kara! Well, it was obvious that she wouldn't want to talk about what happened, frak! he himself didn't want that. It was odd, he didn't know what he would tell her. "It's okay, I don't blame you" somehow didn't seem to be enough. Or maybe he knew she wouldn't believe it that easily, and it would cause more damage than good? Even if that was true…
No, her simple five-words-apology was something normal. Something predictable for Apollo and Starbuck. What he couldn't believe though, was the fact that she dropped all CAG duties back on him before he was even cleared for duty. And then she fled to Pegasus to run some "training program". So what if it was planned by the Admiral? It still seemed like her running away. It was even worse if his father was helping her with that.
He promised himself he wouldn't be thinking about her. When he was lying in that hospital bed, and she never once came, he couldn't help but feel bitter. He understood that – on a logical level. He had all the arguments in his mind – loud and clear. Her guilty feelings, her trying to avoid getting hurt… in the most foolish way. But somehow he didn't want this to be about her. He got shot, he was in pain. And for him it didn't matter who shot him.
But she wanted to make it about herself – as she always did – and this time he refused to play it her way.
Besides there was Dee. A friend – if you applied the definition of the word. A friend in need is a friend indeed. She was with him when he needed a friend. It didn't matter that the feeling wasn't there on his side. She helped him get through, and for that he was grateful. So what if he still longed for Kara's friendship, not Dee's? And love. There was never love where Kara was involved, not for him; there was love from Dee. He thought that – given time – he would love her back.
If he could live for her, he could also love her.
So he tried to think of Dee, while shuffling through the reports with Kara's handwriting on them. It wasn't easy. Not even because she left terrible mess here. Not even because there were things that had nothing to do with the Air Group – like some drafts of a rescue mission to Caprica… She still thought about that? Lee pushed the thought of that Caprica resistance fighter aside. No, it was hard not to think about Kara, when she was in everything around him. Under his skin. In the sharp pain, when he moved his arm too rapidly, or even when he was writing too long.
And then – the Admiral wanted his transfer to the Pegasus, because Kara messed up again. Was anything in his life ever going to be not about Kara?
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Well, some things were.
If you had a car crash, and were dealing with a post traumatic phobia, how would you feel if you were put behind a wheel of a truck? Or a bus, full of people trusting their lives into your driver's skill? Or better yet – a battlestar?
Lee Adama survived. Over two thousand people survived with him. And now it seemed he was to drive that monster permanently. And it wasn't any less scary.
Commander. How would he feel hearing that: "Commander Adama"? Even now Lee was involuntary searching for his father, though the Old Man had been an Admiral for a couple of months.
"Don't let me fail again" he said. What a burden! Lee had never asked for any of this! He was fooled, blinded by the Old Man's stories of the military. By his ambitions wrongly placed in both his sons. It didn't do any of them any good, at least Zak found peace and rest…
He shouldn't think that way. He shouldn't be that selfish. Situation now was all sorts of different than it had been when they'd been both young, when they'd both tried to get through the Academy, when they'd wanted to find their ways in life. Now nobody had what they wanted. And the remnants of civilization needed people like Lee Adama. Reliable, responsible. So he was going to give all he could – like he was doing so far.
But deep down inside he was terrified of what was ahead of him.
Officer's quarters were empty, and he blessed his lucky star. He was in no mood to talk to anyone at the moment. Packing his gear was about all he could endure.
"Hey." He heard a voice. Her voice. Kara's. "I thought you were on Pegasus?" she asked, entering.
He took his time before he answered. Made his voice as steady as possible, and his demeanor much lighter than the dark void in his guts, he said: "Well, looks like I'm moving there for good. That means your temporary job as CAG becomes permanent" he tried to tease and it came out quite believable.
"Seriously?" He was rewarded with a small smile. Not the Starbuck Trademark one, but even this made him miss her already. Why the frak was she doing this to him? "What are you going to do there?"
"Command."
"As in… Command?" she asked looking at him incredulously.
"That's what I said, didn't I?"
"Whoa! You realize you're screwed?…
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He couldn't stop wondering what she was doing to him. And usually when he least expected her to. When he really needed her, when he wanted her to be there for him, to help him – she was screwing up. But then, when he'd finally given up – she was back in full force.
This one small conversation made him feel better. This one small "Are we okay?" This one small hug. Not so small, really – he had to admit. It was huge, for the two of them. And it made a whole lot of a difference.
He felt lighter. Ten tones lighter.
And he needed to give her something in return. She deserved to be happy. He remembered those drafts of SAR to Caprica. He grabbed them from the CAG's office on his way to the hangar deck. Looked them over on his way to Pegasus. A lot made sense there, though her planning skills sucked. But if he put his thought here and there… Plus they would need to convince the President and the Admiral.
Surprisingly the arguments started popping out in his head: what a boost that would be for the Fleet morale – and that would come handy before the upcoming elections; vital intelligence data about the cylons; maybe some information about the models they have not yet uncovered.
Before Lee even realized, he had it all planned in his mind. And a sudden spell of optimism made him smile. Genuinely, for the first time in months.
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t.b.c.
