It was only 4am. Eddie lay beside her for a while, taking in the sensations of waking beside her. In sleep, she had turned toward him, and he woke to find his arms around her, her legs entwined around his own, and her hand resting on his waist. Her head had come to rest right under his chin, and he felt her cheek, warm against his skin, and her soft, regular breaths gently against his chest. He kissed the top of her head and ran his fingers through her hair until his hand came to rest on her bare shoulder blades.
Rachel lay only half awake, not opening her eyes. With every breath, her attention moved to a different part of her body, finding each and every one in direct contact with Eddie's bare skin. She remembered the way he had held her last night, and replayed every moment in her mind, each kiss, each touch, each button he had undone, each piece of clothing he had removed. She felt his hand on her back and hoped he would continue the massage where he left off, each movement lifting her out of sleep and closer to consciousness. After wanting him for so long, she finally had him, naked, in her bed. She felt so close to finally getting what she had wanted, she realised, for a very long time. She felt embarrassed that she had fallen asleep, after letting him think this would be the moment, she knew he would be disappointed. She lay still, willing him to move, to wake her, to touch her body, kiss her lips, and make love to her. All it would take was one move from him, just a slight movement of his hand, and she would be ready for him. But he did not, and Rachel found herself drifting away, back to sleep.
Eddie lay still, unsure what to do. They had come so close last night, but now he felt unsure whether it had been the right thing to do. She was still very weak, exhausted. She needed her sleep to get well, get back to the job that she loved. On the other hand, she was the one who had started it. She was the one who invited him into her bed. She was the one who kissed him. She was the one who started undressing him. Should he have slowed her down? Or should he have sped things up, before she had run out of energy and fallen back to sleep. Would she regret falling asleep? Would she feel embarrassed? Or would she feel relieved that it had not happened this soon? Their bodies were so close now, but had that only happened unconsciously, while she was asleep? Eddie decided not to push his luck, not to rush her or pressure her. He would give her what control he could, wait to see if she would make the first move again. He lay still, making the most of this moment with her.
After a while he grew restless. All the work he had intended to do last night was still waiting for him. He eased himself gently out of her bed so as not to disturb her, put on his dressing gown, and headed to Rachel's study to work. Each time he checked on her, finding her still fast asleep, he leaned over, kissed her forehead, and returned to his work. Around 7am he was startled by the sound of the shower running. He leapt out of his chair, meaning to go and help her, and then thought better of it. He knew that if she had decided to do this alone, he had to let her. He sat down on the bed, anxiously turning a bookmark over and over in his hands, listening out for any sign that she needed help.
Rachel stood in the shower, relieved to finally be back in her own home, in her own shower. The soothing sensation of the hot water falling over her body reminded her of the comfort she had felt, lying so close to Eddie in her hospital bed, his arms around her, holding her tight, stroking her face, drying her tears. Her thoughts turned to last night. She had thought she was finally going to get what she wanted, but her body had let her down and she had fallen asleep. She felt embarrassed, knowing he must have been frustrated, disappointed, just as much as she was. She closed her eyes and allowed the warm water to run over her face and down her body, over all the places she wanted Eddie to touch.
She stepped out of the shower and wrapped herself in a fresh soft towel. Exhaustion took hold of her, and she sat herself down on the lid of the toilet, suddenly needing a rest. When she tried to stand up again, she found that she just did not have the strength to lift herself to her feet. She paused for breath and tried again, but still could not get up. She sat for a while hoping that a bit more of a rest would give her the strength, but each attempt just drained her further, and she was no closer to getting herself upright. She felt frustrated with herself, not understanding her own body at the moment.
Concerned that he could not hear any movement, Eddie tentatively knocked on the bathroom door and called out, "are you OK Rachel?"
"I'm fine," she wanted to say, but she found herself unable to lie to him. She was not fine. She did not know if she would ever be fine again. Realising that she was eventually going to have to accept his help, she felt embarrassed. She had wanted his arms around her, but not like this, not sitting wet, naked and helpless on the toilet, wrapped only in a towel.
There was a long pause, and Rachel hoped that Eddie had left the bedroom, but eventually he called out again, "do you need any help?"
Still unable to admit she needed help, nor unable to lie, Rachel remained silent. She felt both resentful and grateful when Eddie decided for her and spoke again, "Rachel I'm going to come in now."
She looked up at him, frustrated and ashamed by her weakness. "It's OK," he said, kneeling beside her and resting his hand on her back.
"It's not OK though, is it. I can't even have a shower, and now I'm stuck here on the toilet."
"You will be OK," he said. "A week ago, you could only stay awake for ten minutes at a time and didn't know when you would be able to come home. Look how far you've come in that time. I know it's frustrating, there's a long way still to go, but you are getting better."
She knew he was right, but she was impatient. She did not want to have to depend on anyone else. She did not want to need help. She wanted to be able to have a shower without help, and she wanted to have sex with Eddie. Most of all, she wanted to be the one running her damned school. Overwhelmed, Rachel could no longer hold back her tears, and she leaned into him and felt tears running down her cheeks and onto his shoulder while he held her tightly, only feeling even more embarrassed at herself.
"This is probably my fault," he said, stroking her hair. He felt guilty about trying to sleep with her last night. She had only just got home from the hospital that same day. It was clearly too much too soon.
Rachel had to say something. She could not leave him blaming himself, feeling bad about anything. Most of all, she did not want to put him off trying again. He had been hesitant, she was the one who persuaded him, and then let him down. If this was anyone's fault, it was hers, not Eddie's. Perhaps she had overestimated her own strength, but the only part she regretted was falling asleep. This had been a long time coming, and she reached a point where she was no longer willing to wait, regardless of the after-effects. Through exhaustion, she could barely string words together in her head, let alone speak. All she managed was, "no."
Eventually her tears dried up and Eddie stepped away from her to gather up her pyjamas. When he turned back, he saw her nervously clutching the towel where she had tucked it in around herself. He could tell she was anxious about removing the towel, though did not understand why it mattered to her any more, considering she had allowed him to undress her last night. "It's OK," he said gently, "I have seen it all before, remember."
"But you didn't, did you," she replied, "it was dark then!"
Eddie had to acknowledge; it was dark then. Rachel had been uncomfortable until it was. He knew she would be struggling with the loss of control that her injuries had forced upon her, and she needed what little control she did have. And of course, there was the scar, but that he had seen. Unfortunately though, he could see no other way around this situation. He could hardly leave her alone to fall asleep on the toilet. He could, however, see a way to even up the imbalance of power. He undid his dressing gown, took it off, and dropped it onto the floor. "Fair now?" he asked.
Despite her exhaustion, she could not help smiling. As awkward as she felt, she had no alternative but to agree with him and let him help. She relaxed her hands and reluctantly allowed Eddie to peel away the towel. He wrapped her top around her, guiding her hands into the sleeves, and doing up the buttons for her. Then he lifted her feet, one at a time into her trousers. Gently, he lifted her to her feet and helped her pull the trousers up. She leaned on him as he walked her over to the bed, helped her in, and tucked the blanket around her shoulders. As he headed back to the bathroom for his own shower, he turned back and saw her smile and turn away, embarrassed that he had caught her looking at him.
