Eddie climbed into bed, failing in his attempt not to wake her. She had her back to him, and he cuddled up to her, wrapping his arm around her, and she took hold of his hand. "I like having you here," she said.
Eddie sensed there was more coming. They had had some of their most intimate conversations this way. She always seemed more comfortable facing away. When she did not continue, he replied, "I like being here."
And he did. He really liked being here. It was not just that it was convenient for work, having her easily on hand whenever he had any questions. It was not just that it served a practical purpose of enabling her to get home from the hospital sooner if she had someone to care for her at home. It was not just the sex. It was all of those things, but it was not JUST any of those things that kept him here. It was Rachel. Being close to Rachel. Talking to Rachel. Listening to Rachel. Getting to know Rachel as a person, rather than just as a colleague, and, well technically, his boss.
Rachel was reluctant to use the word 'love,' though she supposed that was exactly what it was. She was wary that the word would scare him away. She had kept him at arm's length for so long, that finally letting him in had seemed impossible, until he barged his way into her life when she was at her most vulnerable, and cared for her far more than she felt she deserved, kissing her, holding her, bringing her home. But she still felt that one false move could push him away and end it all. She did not want that to happen, but she knew that she had to let him make up his own mind.
"You've done so much for me," she continued.
"Well at the moment," he replied, "it's you doing so much for me. I get home from work and my dinner's on the table, my washing's done, my ironing's done. And someone is mysteriously keeping on top of my paperwork."
"You've more than earned it," she said. Being a housewife was not at all how she had pictured her life, but when it came to Eddie, she found she quite liked doing it.
"I know you want to be back at work, but you are getting there," he tried to reassure her.
She wanted to argue with him and complain about the slowness of her recovery, but the conversation was getting sidetracked from what she was trying to say. Though her time away from work was frustrating, she had accepted it, albeit begrudgingly. She had to get back on track. Eddie sensed there was something she was trying to get out, and stayed quiet, giving her the time she needed to get her thoughts together.
"I just don't want to keep you away from your life. You know, you've already done so much more than you agreed to. You don't have to stay if you don't want to."
Nothing could be further from what he wanted. Yes it had been exhausting initially, but she was getting better now. She was not completely as he had expected, and he was still not sure whether he was just seeing her out-of-work persona, or whether the fire had actually changed her. But still, at heart, she was the same person he had inexplicably fallen in love with last term, and the more he got to know her now, the deeper his love for her became. But had she had all she wanted now? Was she just so desperate to get out of the hospital that she would have done anything? His instincts told him that was not the case. But nevertheless, his mind kept bringing him back to this question: was it home she wanted, more than she wanted him?
She sensed that perhaps he did not get it. She tried to explain it another way. "I want you to stay. But you don't have to. You never have to. You don't owe me anything."
"I want to stay," he replied.
"And not just because you think I need looking after?" she checked.
"You're long past needing any looking after now," he replied.
She let out a deep breath she had not realised she was holding. Eddie wrapped his arm tightly around her and felt her melt into him. "I'm here because I want to be with you," he added.
He felt her chest's rise and fall grow relaxed and regular, and knew that she had fallen back to sleep. Still though, he did not loosen his tight hold on her, silently telling her how much he wanted to hold onto her, even if she was not listening. For a while he just lay, listening to her breaths, until he fell asleep beside her.
