AN: Thanks again for the abundant reviews!
Chapter 16
October 8th, 2021
"You look like you've had a long day," Max commented, seeing Rory coming down the hall, all packed up and ready to leave after the Franklin meeting she'd just supervised. She hadn't been quite herself the entire day - struggling to focus and lacking some of her usual enthusiasm. Even Max had noticed at lunch, but hadn't said anything until now.
She was wearing slacks and a simple blue boat-neck sweat, one of her dullest outfits, truth be told. She just hadn't felt up to thinking more that morning.
"Oh just the usual," Rory sighed. "Simon Milner and Mahendra Sarin are not quite agreeing on the role division in the Franklin, but I think I have it handled," Rory added, trying to hide the fact that most her tiredness that showed in her face was due to a poor night of sleep she'd gotten.
Rory's mind was fluctuating between regret and hope. Regret for having left her card in the first place, worrying she was coming off desperate or needy, especially if the message she should've gotten from his lack of interest was that he wasn't interested in talking to her. She kept fighting hope too - not daring to hope for anything from him. She would've liked to learn how he was doing, hopefully to learn that he was doing well. Of course it could've also not been his car, or he might not have noticed the card - if she were to really began to grasp at straws. But all these thoughts, all these scenarios of where he'd been and what he'd been doing were flying around in her head and keeping her up, while at the same time trying to not to think about him. It was so hard to shut the brain off sometimes.
"You know I think I might be able to get you that bonus for the speech competition," Max said, recalling what he'd been meaning to talk to her about that. After all, one of the girls she'd coached had gotten an award. It had nearly slipped Rory's mind altogether.
Rory smiled - it was definitely good to hear that her work was valued, but it was not why she did these things. "How about maybe just putting it on my training and supply budget?" Rory suggested, believing Max knew well her enough that she didn't really need the job for the money, having put Emily's inheritage into good use on the stock market, with the advice from his father's financial advisor and Christopher himself.
"Alright, I'll see what I can do," Max assured, patting her shoulder supportively, knowing about the loss of the family dog. When it had happened he'd already offered his condolences both to Lorelai and Rory - he was very perspective like that, the true people person, reading well what and when one truly needed. "Try to get some rest, okay?" he added, and Rory replied with an appreciative smile.
She glanced down on her phone as she walked away, still not having been in the right mindset to reply properly to Seth's text from the other day.
"I hope you're hanging in there," Seth had written. "But I do hope you'd be interested in seeing me again sometime, I had a great time," he'd added. He'd gone by the book, waited three days and texted, asking for the second date. In this case it had definitely been the right way to go - not pushing too hard, giving her some time to deal.
"Thanks. It's hard to see Em sad," she'd replied. "I'll have to check my schedule," was the last she'd written. In her defence she'd replied just a millisecond before her class had started, which explained the rapid cut on her thought process. But naturally she could've just checked her schedule right then and there, or at least 45 minutes later. It was right there on her phone. But she didn't like the indifference she felt. She could see him but she could not see him.
Seth was a nice guy - but she felt like she should've felt more enthusiastic towards him if it was the real deal. The reason why she hadn't told him 'no' was down to her own self-distrust. She couldn't say 'no' just because she'd run into Logan or just because she kept comparing him to the men she'd had in her life before this. That wasn't fair to anyone. She wasn't the same person she'd been a decade ago either. This much her therapist had taught her and she was trying to give him a fair chance while not leading him on too much either.
Besides, it was not like Rory had any reason to hope for anything from Logan. There was nothing simple about anything between the two - years of complicated circumstances and things left unspoken. It wasn't exactly a healthy seedbed… for anything. She knew she couldn't say 'no' to Seth just because she wasn't obsessed with him like some of her former addictions. Maybe it was just the sign of 'normal'? Maybe she just needed to accept that?
She was just about to text something back to him, something vague - maybe ask what his weekend plans were, maybe commit to something casual like a movie. Surely, she could watch a movie with him?
While the original plan had been for Em to stay with Rory this weekend, Rory maybe slipping out for an evening to watch that movie with Seth while Lorelai or Lane babysat, Jess had shown interest in taking Em to some adventure park in Storrs to cheer her up a little by providing her with some change in scenery, shifting their weekend plans around. It was just the kind of thing Rory would never do with Em herself. This was the benefit of keeping things friendly and casual with Jess - their schedules were flexible, taking account their work schedules but also genuinely considering who could offer what was most interesting for Em at a particular time. It had never turned into a competition, nobody had kept track of hours or the amount of money one spent on Em - it was never about that.
For this reason, most of her weekend looked wide open. A movie then - she thought and began to type the text, not really looking where she was going as she walked out of Chilton on autopilot, knowing the place even with her eyes closed by now.
The courtyard was beginning to look more orange than green by this time of year, a couple of leaves rustling in her steps. Thankfully, by this time on a Friday most the students had left, Rory having stayed late to grade a few more tests, not wanting to bring work home this time. Staying late had its perks - like not having to interact with anyone she didn't want to, having had quite enough interaction for a working week.
But that was not quite what life had in store for her.
"Glad to see that phone of yours is still functional. But your ability to watch where you're going hasn't improved much," a voice suddenly said, the figure rising from the stone bench just as Rory emerged from the alleyway.
Rory came to a sudden halt right before having almost stepped into a small slab of semi-fresh concrete in the pavement, having missed the warning sign.
"Logan!? Hi," Rory responded, sounding several degrees happier to hear his voice than she had last night. It had been too huge of a shock last night, but him being here only meant he'd either found the card or purposefully looked her up. He'd wanted to see her and she was happy to see him.
It was good seeing him more clearly in the daylight as well. He was wearing more or less the same outfit he'd worn last night, embracing the casual. The beard still looked a little foreign on him, but in a way he looked more alive too - more emotional, more authentic - less withheld as if having dropped a mask of somesort. It was a good look on him.
"Hi, Ace," he replied, unable to stop himself from letting the nickname drop over his lips. To Rory he at least sounded a lot more like himself already, something in that confident tone of his.
"I considered calling, but I wasn't sure whether these last two were eights or sixes," he commented, holding up the card she'd left with part of the number barely readable. His response answered Rory's question whether he still had her number - clearly he didn't. But could she really blame him? She'd deleted it just the same to stop herself from contacting him when she had a bad moment.
"Oh, right," Rory replied, feeling silly, and pushed a stray hair behind her ear. She hadn't thought about possible smudges. But in the beginning of October she should've thought of it or at least used a pencil or something waterproof. Her schedule was up on the school website, so she figured it kind of made sense that this was the next place he'd check, even though e-mail would've been another option. But then again her inbox contained around 40 unread e-mails near constantly, making showing up a much more certain way to get a hold of her.
She tucked her phone back in her jacket pocket, not finishing the text message. She knew she looked worn out from her day, on top of the tiredness - not her best look, suddenly feeling self conscious. She hoped she wouldn't think of impressing him - that was not what she should aim for, even if it was just a self protection mechanism.
"It's good to see you," she exhaled, having regretted not saying it already last night.
"You too," Logan replied.
The two stood there, unsure whether a hug was appropriate - ice melting slowly but not quite feeling lukewarm yet.
"I'd love to catch up…," Rory began, rubbing her forehead, almost too aware of the time already being later than usual.
"But it isn't the best time…" Logan finished the thought for her, seeing her hesitate. "I shouldn't have just showed up like this, I shouldn't have assumed," Logan added, apoogetically, feeling a little careless for having thought this was a good idea. He wasn't used to thinking of Rory having parental obligations which was surely what she meant.
"I've got to go pick up Em. And mom and Luke are coming over for dinner in a few hours," she specified.
"Still keeping up with Friday Night Dinners?" Logan crooked his eyebrow at her, feeling amused. Some things never changed.
"Kind of, sometimes it's on a Saturday. And we're not as punctual about the time nor as picky about the food," Rory added, smilingly, getting a little carried away with the details. She did that when she was a little nervous.
Logan just listened, her blabbering feeling so familiar, almost making him nostalgic.
"But I'm free tomorrow, Em will be...," Rory began, gesturing in the general direction of 'away', realizing then that catching up also included telling him about Jess which she was quite reluctant to do. After all, he knew Jess too. She felt she cared more than she should about his opinion on that. Would he think she'd settled? Or would he interpret it as him having been the detour back to Jess? "...at her dad's," she added, also getting a sting in her chest that she needed to decide how honest she was going to be with Logan about a lot of things, painful things.
"I'm not in a hurry," Logan replied, the mention of a 'dad' being an uncomfortable remainder of the years passed.
Rory glanced at the time, knowing Em was expecting her, having been late as it was.
"Tomorrow then..?" she said, realizing she had a lot of thinking to do in the meanwhile, the two of them walking towards her car, Logan having parked one space over.
Logan nodded, feeling unexpectedly heavy, his hands tucked into his pockets. There was a hint of disappointment in him for having to end this conversation here, but there was also disappointment in himself for having gotten his hopes up. Of what - he wasn't even sure. Just as Rory was feeling apprehensive filling him in on what had happened since, he was concerned about the same, both oblivious to each-other's worries beyond knowing that five years was a long time and if anyone wanted to understand and not judge it was the other.
"It's 88," Rory added with a light nod, correcting the mishap with her phone number, and got in her car.
Logan's face formed a very familiar smile at that and he waved her goodbye as she pulled the door of her car shut behind her and drove away a few seconds later, leaving Logan standing there.
It was an immense relief that Rory still felt - he was there, he was okay, and he wanted to reconnect. Wasn't that what she wanted? But it was all so conflicting. There was so much hurt and loss in the past, which she knew was going to become topical at some point if they really talked. That confusion translated into a couple of tears that she shed while driving towards Em's school.
"It's going to be okay," she repeated to herself, along with a few deep breaths before she stepped out of her car again.
Two hours later Rory and Em were back home, Lorelai and Luke due any minute. To ease her nerves, wanting also to keep a cool enough front for Lorelai, Rory had opened a bottle of Chilean Carmenere. She was sipping her wine while with her right hand she flipped through the menus on DoorDash, deciding what to get.
"Em?" she called over to the living room, "What do you feel like having tonight? Is Burrito Loko okay?" she asked her daughter, who was well aquainted with their common take out options.
Luke was probably bringing something too, he always did. But he knew better than to bring a whole spread by now.
"I want tacos, but not the spicy one," the kid said, walking over, having accidentally bit into Lorelai's the last time.
"Coming right up," Rory replied and picked out some pulled pork tacos that she knew Em had liked the last time. She ordered grilled fish tacos for Luke, and beef tacos for herself and Lorelai, adding a few orders of snacks and guacamole.
"Mommy?" Em asked, having snuggled into her lap while she placed the order.
"Yes?" Rory turned her attention to the little girl and put her phone down.
"I'm scared to go to the adventure park tomorrow," Em admitted.
"Why are you scared, honey?" Rory inquired. The girl had been looking forward to it since Jess had mentioned it, and now suddenly she was scared.
"Melissa told me you have to climb really up high, and it was really scary," she continued to explain, refering to a friend of hers from school.
Rory could already guess how that story would go. She'd ask for her to come with her, or ask her to do something else with her, but in light of the recent developments she really didn't want to give up her Saturday. All she felt she was experiencing these days was bad timing, or quite on the contrary - very serendipitous timing - whichever it was.
"But you'll have daddy right there, he's the strongest, most courageous person I know," Rory assured, not even needing to think about the exact ranking of every person she'd ever met. Jess needed to be the strongest, the bravest and the most trustworthy person in Em's life, no matter what.
"But I want to do something with you. Maybe you could come with us?" Em added. The girl hadn't quite given up on mentioning that daddy needed a friend, or suggesting that the three of them might do something together during these past weeks. Rory desperately hoped it wasn't something Jess had put into her head, she needed to believe he wouldn't do that. But even if it was something indirect he'd said - naturally she felt a little bad for that, but she needed to break it to Em in some gentle way that things like that weren't going to happen.
"Oh honey, but I already made plans. And daddy really wanted to spend time with you. I'm sure there are things in that park that aren't so high up, or maybe you and daddy can do something else," she suggested, already wondering whether she should give Jess a call. Sometimes it was a supportive pep-talk from him the girl needed. She knew it was selfish to put her plans, even if the contents or her plans were a little uncertain, in front of her kid's wishes. But she felt she needed to do this - she needed to believe it was something she required to do before she could ever really move forward. She'd convinced herself that in part she just wanted this over with sooner rather than later, the half-written text-message to Seth, still burning in her mind. There was only so long she could hide behind work, grief of a family pet and her kid.
Em snuggled into her neck, sounding a little reluctant and grumpy.
"How about I promise we'll do something together on Sunday evening?" Rory offered.
"Like what?" she asked.
"It's a surprise..," Rory hinted, knowing that the kid loved surprised. She was juggling the thoughts between maybe visiting the toy store, the ice cream shop or perhaps a bookstore, or simply taking her to the movies.
The next minute the negative thoughts were brushed away from Em's mind, as Lorelai and Luke stepped through the front door and she rushed to give them a hug.
They chatted about their weeks, besides the memorial service everyone in the room sensing that it was better off left unmentioned. Thankfully work was keeping Lorelai busy.
After dinner, Luke landed in front of the television, watching "Sing" with Em, Em explaining to him what was happening, quite endearingly, while Luke played ignorant, simply enjoying Em's company.
"So Em told me she's going climbing with Jess tomorrow," Lorelai began, as they nursed a glass of wine together at the dinner table, which was now covered in takeaway boxes and dug into the last piece of pie, Luke had brought over, together.
"Yeah, she is," Rory replied, her mouth half full.
"Quite an odd apple... she's fallen far from the tree, alright," Lorelai said, thinking also of the kid's strange eating habits, having insisted on finishing the salad Luke had brought while leaving the last piece of pie to the two older Gilmores.
"Not that far," Rory mused.
"So she told me you have plans for tomorrow, anything fun?" Lorelai inquired, Em having already spilled this tiny detail. Lorelai was nosy, in a way she was living through her daughter. And in this moment, considering Lorelai had just lost Paul Anka, Rory actually was very understanding of that. She almost wished she had something half-innocent to share with her, but Logan was something too serious, which would lead to so many questions she didn't want to answer before she had the answers to them.
"Just catching up with an old friend, who's in town," Rory replied, a little cryptically. "But I did take your advice on Seth. I went for brunch with him last Sunday," she added, before Lorelai had a chance to ask about this Saturday.
"That's my girl!" Lorelai replied in a satisfactory tone and continued to quiz Rory for details. Rory gave her some, humouring her, but not making it into more than it was. It was a date. She expressed she was a little hesitant about whether it'd become more than that, without going into the external reasons.
"You're just rusty, maybe less than perfect is what you need right now," was Lorelai's suggestion with a light shrug. "Sometimes imperfect ends up being pretty perfect," she added, nodding gently towards Luke.
Rory took another sip of wine, giving it some thought. Lorelai was right, wasn't she? Luke had been thorny, arrogant, definitely not the best customer service experience they'd ever had, a poor-communicator, a loner who knew nothing about music or movies, they had hardly any joint hobbies. But he'd had a good heart, which had grown on her. Maybe Seth was like that?
Catching up with Logan didn't really mean anything more than that. It was good to see a long lost friend, maybe find some closure - there was no realistic way there were quick fixes to their former issues. There was so much baggage it would've been naive of Rory to expect or hope for more than that.
Hence as Lorelai and Luke headed off that evening, Rory picked up her phone and texted.
"I'm sorry I haven't replied. It's been a little overwhelming on this side. How about "The Starling" or 'Best Sellers' on Sunday afternoon? New Haven or Hartford - both are fine with me," she added and linked the two trailers, having picked them just by the actors line up.
She knew that it might be a bit of a turn off to say that the date needed to end early, and that she couldn't offer him a Saturday for example. But she just wasn't sure she was up to going anywhere after seeing Logan. But she figured that at least she was being honest - a Sunday afternoon date was where they were at, wasn't it? testing the waters, seeing if they could have fun together, without a real promise for more. If more was what Seth needed right then and now, she clearly wasn't the right woman for that, despite also having needs.
