CHAPTER 19
A/N: Thanks to EmisonNerd, Olivia, May1217, Mostories and the Guest for the reviews. And also to valuchavr for the review on an older chapter, nice to see you back here! So I know that the recent turn of events might have surprised some of you… But as I said, I just "heard" Santana's line in my head and I decided to go with it. And thinking about it, it actually makes sense. I have read some of my past chapters and even bits of my first story to make sure I had it all fresh in my mind. And I had already mentioned in those chapters that Brittany is the one that was eager to have children and insisted to have Sofia earlier than Santana wanted. And she also loves being surrounded by children at the dance school. So it's not a surprise that Britt would want and be ready for more children. But as you know from previous chapters, Santana has developed some anxiety that she can't properly manage and has mentioned several times being overwhelmed. So it makes sense to me that having two kids at home would be too much for her, especially because Sofia is not always easy to handle. And since San is afraid to fail (particularly when it comes to Sofia), I sense that she would prefer giving all her attention to one kid rather than several. I still don't know how this will play out, I tried to be "realistic" and true to the characters they are in this story.
Shocked by what I just said, Brittany holds my gaze but remains silent for what feels like forever.
"What…?" She finally says, frowning in confusion. "I… I don't understand… We talked about this, Santana… Even before we got married… and you always said that you wanted children!"
"I did…" I reply. "And… we do have a child, Britt."
"No… no!" She says, shaking her head. "You said… children! PLURAL form!"
"I…" I mumble but I pause for a while, before nodding in admission: "You're right… I did say children… plural form…"
I inhale deeply before adding: "Back then, I really thought that's what I wanted, Brittany… But now that I know how hard it is with just one, I… I have changed my mind…"
She looks at me in disbelief and I can't blame her for being surprised. Until one minute ago, I didn't even know myself that I didn't want any more children... And I would have never imagined that I would feel so strongly about it. It's only when Britt started to negotiate on the timeline that I realized that timing was actually not the issue…
I love Sofia with all my heart and I really love being a mom but just the thought of having another kid to take care of - on top of everything else - is really too much for me to bear... The last two years have been eventful for us, to say the least… But I think that somehow Brittany and I have experienced that period in a very different way… She is so grounded, patient and optimistic – everything that I'm not – and those qualities have definitely helped her move through it all with more ease. Even the way she handled her recent dance competition proves it. She just went out there, did her thing as if it was no big deal and… Well OK, she got a little nervous when she was waiting for the results… but that's it! If it was me, I would have fallen apart…
And I can easily make the same observation when it comes to our family. Ever since Sofia was born, Britt has completely embraced her role as a mom and has faced all the related challenges with such poise… I really admire that. Even when Sofia gets into mischief, Brittany handles it in a calm way while I lose my shit. Despite the difficulties, she still managed to enjoy every minute of it to the fullest while I mainly tried to survive… I found myself so overwhelmed trying to be a good mom and carrying the whole Glee project at the same time that I have basically only focused on one day at a time. And while I try to get by to the next day, Brittany knows exactly what she wants and where she wants to be. No wonder that she is looking forward to the future and thinking of having another mini us…
"Can we at least talk about it?" She asks.
I don't really know what else to say so I just shrug.
"San… I know that it has not been easy…" She says. "Having Sofia… it has changed everything! And yes, we are very busy, especially you… But honey, we have always been busy and we have always managed! It's going to become easier with time… Sofia can be a handful as you said because she is still very young. But she will grow up, San. And it's going to happen fast… She goes to daycare already!" She adds.
"And if we do have another baby, it will also be easier than it was with her because it won't be our first! We know what we are doing now! And our friends will help us, as they always have…"
"We are actually busier now, Brittany. Glee is getting a lot of attention and I will have even more work than before! And now that you have won the dance competition, you told me yourself that you get more subscriptions than ever. It's going to be harder! And I don't think that we will be able to count on our friends like we did in the past, we have to be realistic here." I reply. "Mike and Tina will have their own son to look after now and they will also need help from the others, just like we did! And now that Mercedes and Sam are about to tie the knot, I wouldn't be surprised if they also have a baby of their own in a close future…"
She looks at me in silence for a few seconds. "But even then… we will find a solution, San! You just say this because having a baby is a big decision and it's scary… I get it. You were also reluctant to have Sofia at first but then you got onboard…" She says with hopeful eyes.
"Brittany… You have to stop comparing because it is completely different! I wanted to have Sofia, the only disagreement we had was on the timing. That's why we found a compromise so easily. But this time, it's not the same… I'm already a mom! And I don't need to redo the whole thing again, going through sleepless nights, diapers… Teaching a kid how to talk, how to walk... Been there, done that!" I say, raising my hands. "I'm happy with the one child we have and I really don't want more…"
She shakes her head in despair. "And… I want more…" She whispers, looking at me with sad eyes. "I want a big family, San…"
"A big family…?" I ask with open eyes. "What does that mean exactly?"
"I don't know… I was thinking of… three kids...maybe even four if you were down for that…" She replies.
God, four kids? Is she fucking insane? I bet that if I followed her every wish, we would repopulate the earth, and we would have cats, dogs, chickens and who knows what else! Maybe we would even live in a farm…
"I guess that I could settle for two if you really don't want more…" She adds. "But I don't want Sofia to be an only child... It is better for her to have a little brother or sister to grow up with... Someone to play with, to go through life with… She should have a sibling, San!"
"She can play with her friends, Britt! Why should she have a sibling, exactly? I'm an only child, and so are you… And we both turned out fine! And if Sofia is the only child in the house, she will have everything we have to offer as well as our undivided attention! That is what is best for her. I would prefer to take good care of one child rather than being distracted and messing up two of them!" I argue.
"And what happens the day we're gone, San? Sofia will be all alone?" She asks with a heartbreaking look in her eyes.
"But why would Sofia be all alone, Britt? Again, you're an only child yourself! Do you consider yourself alone? Even if we put our parents aside, you have a wife and a daughter, as well as many close friends! And considering that Sofia already gets kissed at the park, she will most likely have a family of her own some day. And even if she doesn't, she will have her Glee "cousins" as you call them. Tina is going to give birth at any moment now! And it's only a matter of time before the others have kids too. I wouldn't worry about our baby being alone…"
"It's not the same, Santana!" She says in such a frustrated tone that it surprises me.
Little did I know when we started the baby talk that we would spend the rest of the night fighting about it… For hours, we went through a neverending collection of arguments and counter-arguments. And every single time, it led to the same painful conclusion: Brittany wants another child and I don't.
TWO DAYS LATER – AT THE HOSPITAL
We arrived at the hospital a few minutes ago to meet Mike and Tina's son who was born last night. I'm sitting on a chair nearby Tina's bed, with Sofia on my lap, while Brittany is impatiently waiting to finally meet her godson.
"Brittany…" Mike says with a large smile, handing her the newborn. "This is… Alex…"
"Alex…" He adds. "Meet your awesome godmother, Auntie Britt."
"Hi handsome…" Brittany says, holding him carefully in her arms. "Oh my God… You're the cutest little boy I have ever seen!" She adds, kissing his forehead. "We're going to have so much fun together… You know that? I'm going to spoil you!"
It's hard not to notice how Britt's face lights up as she looks at mini Asian.
After rocking him in her arms for a minute, Brittany turns to Sofia: "Do you want to meet your cousin Alex, peanut?"
"YES!" Sofia screams in over excitement, making everyone laugh in the room, including me.
I get up and lift her in my arms before moving closer to the baby so that she can take a good look at him. She observes him with curious eyes for a while.
"He's little!" She finally says.
"You were also little like that when you were born, mija!" I reply with a smile. She looks at me in disbelief, as if it was impossible that she was ever so small.
"Can I give him a kiss?" She asks.
"Yes, but you have to be very, very gentle… Try on me first…" I say, pointing to my cheek with my other hand.
She places a light feather kiss on my cheek, waiting for my verdict.
"Very good, mija! Exactly like that!" I say. "Go on, give Alex a kiss."
She gives him a similar kiss on the cheek and then looks at me, all proud of herself.
"You want to hold him, San?" Brittany suddenly asks me.
"Huh… I… Sure…" I mumble as I'm trying to figure out what to do with Sofia first.
"You can give her to me, Santana." Mike says. "I wouldn't mind a hug from my goddaughter."
Once Mike takes Sofia from my arms, Brittany hands me the newborn.
"Oh wow, he's going to be a little heartbreaker this one!" I say, looking at his adorable face. "Aren't you, baby?"
"I forgot how tiny their fingers are when they are brand new…" I add, playing with his hand, before noticing Brittany's eyes on me. She doesn't say anything but I swear that I can hear her thoughts loud and clear: Look how cute he is. Are you sure you don't want another one of those?
We discuss with our friends for a while but Sofia suddenly shows signs of boredom and impatience. And when she gets like that, she can quickly turn into a little demon.
"Britt, I think our little missy is not going to stay calm much longer…" I say, nodding towards Sofia.
Brittany glances at Sofia before adding: "Oooh indeed, that doesn't look good… I'm afraid that we have to go, guys... Otherwise she will throw a tantrum in the hospital…"
THREE DAYS LATER – AT HOME
"Brittany… you have to stop! I can't take this anymore!" I say, raising my arms. "That's all we talk about these days! You have already said a million times all the reasons why you think that we should have another child, I have heard you! And I told you just as many times the reasons why I think we shouldn't! I haven't changed my mind…" I say, shaking my head.
"And I won't change my mind either, Santana..." She says in a determined way, holding my gaze.
After a staring contest, she suddenly asks: "So… what do we do now… ?"
"I don't know, Britt… I don't have a solution…"
"Maybe… maybe we can find a compromise…?" She suggests in despair.
"Brittany… a compromise on what exactly…?" I reply in a sad tone. "It's not like we can meet halfway this time… One of us will eventually have to give in! Otherwise, we…" I trail off.
We exchange sad looks, both of us understanding what the other option is. I don't want to say it because I can't even begin to think about it, it's too painful. And judging by the miserable look in her eyes, she doesn't want to hear it either.
TWO WEEKS LATER – AT HOME – NIGHT TIME
"Night." Brittany whispers, turning off the light on her nightstand.
I watch her laying on her side, turning her back on me.
"Night…" I reply, turning off the light on my side too.
Every night is like this now... The "baby fight" lasted for days but none of us has brought it up again afterwards, probably because we don't know what else to say. We have basically carried on with our life routine but there is a coolness between us now and we only talk when we have to: when it's about Sofia, errands, chores etc. We take care of our daughter together, as if everything was fine between us because we don't want her to pick up on any tension.
Britt spends her days at the dance school and at this point, I don't know if it's truly because she covers for Mike's absence or if it's because she doesn't want to be around me. We still sleep next to each other every night but I feel like I'm her roommate rather than her wife. We haven't had sex in three weeks and she is not really affectionate with me anymore... All I get is an occasional kiss on the cheek and that seems to only happen when our friends are around, I guess to keep appearances… I even make sure to meet Quinn alone because I know that Q would definitely notice that something is off if she saw how Brittany and I are interacting.
I adjust my position in bed and can hear Brittany's breathing right next to me but it still feels like she's thousands of miles away from me.
I miss my wife.
ONE WEEK LATER (JULY) – AT HOME – NIGHT TIME
We are reading in bed, without talking. I quickly glance at the alarm clock to check the time and I know that soon Britt will go to sleep. I can't take this anymore, I just can't spend another night like this, as if we were strangers!
So I inhale deeply and whisper "Britt…". She turns to me and looks at me with questioning eyes. I still don't know what to say because this whole situation is so messed up... So instead, I decide to let my body do the talking and without warning, I capture her lips in a kiss. She's taken aback for a moment but she doesn't push me away, which is already better than I expected… After a few seconds, she actually kisses me back… As our lips get reacquainted with each other, I carefully place one hand on her neck to pull her closer but I don't dare to touch her anywhere else. I don't want to startle her by going too far or too fast. I'm just happy that she lets me kiss her. I really missed all this: the feeling of her soft lips, the smell of her skin, the taste of her mouth…
The more we kiss, the closer she gets until she eventually lays on top of me. She deepens the kiss in such a way that this time I feel confident enough to run my hands on her back underneath her PJs and to hold her tighter in my arms… I just want to be close to her. I am having a hard time to breathe but I don't care, I'm determined not to break the kiss, unless she makes me. I feel her hands slowly caressing my body, giving me shivers. It's been too long since we have been this intimate, I feel like an addict who finally got her drug.
But when Sofia suddenly starts crying, Brittany pulls away and I can see the confusion in her eyes. I immediately understand that she just got carried away with the kiss and that she has now come back to her senses… I know that sadly, there won't be any more kissing tonight…
Out of breath, she eventually whispers: "I'm going to go check on Sofia."
She gets off my body before exiting the room and I immediately feel cold.
A FEW DAYS LATER – AT HOME
I'm home alone this afternoon. Brittany is at the dance school again and Mercedes took Sofia to the zoo.
I'm playing the piano when I hear the phone ringing. Confused at first by the ringtone, I realise that we are being called on our landline number. I keep forgetting that we have it because no one calls us on that number anymore. Abuela used to, back when she couldn't figure out how to use her mobile phone, but now she always calls my mobile.
"Hello?" I say as I pick up.
"Mrs Lopez-Pierce?"
"Speaking."
"Hello, this is Angela from the cabinet of Doctor Wilson."
"Oh, yes… Hello." I say.
"I'm calling you to book your follow-up appointment with Doctor Wilson, to discuss your test results."
"I'm sorry, what test results?" I ask, confused.
"The results of the tests that you took last week, we have just received them. I know that you probably didn't expect us to call you back so soon but we have a new lab that is very efficient."
"Huh… I believe this is a mistake, I didn't take any test last week... I haven't seen Doctor Wilson in years actually."
"Oh…Let me double check… I'm new so it's possible that I didn't get this right, I'm sorry. But I have here the results of one… Brittany Lopez-Pierce. Am I calling the right number?"
I freeze for a second, realizing what is happening.
"Huh… yes, it's the right number…" I say. "But I'm Santana Lopez-Pierce. Brittany is my wife."
"Oh OK… I understand the confusion now! Let me start over: we have received your wife's test results…"
LATER THAT DAY – AT HOME
As soon as I hear Brittany coming home, I join her into the living room.
"There was a call for you, Brittany." I say.
"A call?" She asks, confused. "I didn't see any missed calls…" She says, grabbing her phone to double check.
"They called our landline number. So… I picked up."
"Ok… Well, who was it?"
"The fertility clinic… They received your test results." I say, crossing my arms and looking straight into her eyes. "You are fertile, Brittany… congratulations." I add, with an acid edge in my voice. I'm really pissed.
I see the embarrassment on her face but I keep talking before she can say anything.
"What is this, Brittany?! What's your plan exactly here? Are you going to get yourself impregnated behind my back and then trick me into having a child that I don't want?" I ask in an angry tone.
"Of course not, Santana!" She replies, clearly offended. "How can you possibly think that I would do something like that? I went to the clinic because I had to know if I was even capable to conceive. And you know the worst part?" She adds with a cracking voice. "I didn't go in there with the hope that I would be fertile. It's the opposite! I was actually praying to be infertile because then I could blame biology for the fact that I will never bear a child rather than blaming it on my own wife!" She says.
I feel like I'm being stabbed in the heart.
"Well, apparently you can make babies, Brittany!" I say. "And you know what? As much as that fucking sucks, you actually don't need me to have one because… I can't get you pregnant either way! And I get to blame biology for that, by the way!" I add.
We stare at each other in silence until I finally dare to ask: "So what now? Are you… going to…? What are you…" I trail off. I don't even manage to say it.
"I really don't know where to go from here, Santana… Despite what you think, I'm not going to get pregnant behind your back and I'm not going to force you to have a baby when you made it clear that you don't want one. So… apparently I... I have to choose between keeping my wife and having a baby! And I don't want to choose because whatever option I pick, I know that I will be completely heartbroken…" She says, sobbing. "So I just feel completely… paralyzed! I'm just praying to find a solution that will allow me to have everything I want… But I don't know if there is any..." She says, hiding her face in her hands.
ON THE NEXT DAY – AT HOME
I'm back home after spending a few hours at Paramount and I immediately walk towards Sofia's room. It's play time for the little one and I'm looking forward to spend some time with her. I guess that Brittany is already in there. Once I reach the open door, I see Britt sitting on the floor, silently crying in front of Sofia who is playing with her toys. I am too stunned to move or say a word, so I just watch the scene in front of me, feeling helpless. But clearly my baby girl is braver than me because I suddenly see her walking towards Britt and hugging her with her tiny arms.
"It's OK, peanut…" Brittany whispers. "Mommy is a bit sad but you make it so much better." She adds, giving her a kiss and hugging her back. "I love you so much."
It kills me to see her this miserable but I really don't know what to do. I'm painfully aware that preventing Brittany from having another child is really not fair to her. And I cannot deny that the only one that stands in the way of that dream is me. I wish I could be like her and want this child so bad… But I don't… And I can't have another kid just to please Brittany, that's not right. It wouldn't be fair to her or to me. And it would certainly not be fair to that child…
Brittany and I have just reached a point where we want different things.
ON THE NEXT DAY – AT HOME
I'm watching TV when Brittany enters the living room.
"San… There is something we need to discuss…" She suddenly says.
I turn off the TV and immediately feel a stomatch ache, afraid of what she's going to say.
"My mom just called." She adds. "It's a long story and I spare you the details but apparently a friend of hers has a house in Hawaii… and my parents were invited to spend their holidays over there. My mom asked if we wanted to join them."
She inhales deeply before saying: "I… I would like to go with them. And take Sofia with me, if you agree… I know that you can't leave because you have already restarted shooting Glee but I… I actually think it's for the best… I need some time to think, San… To process this whole mess… Maybe some space will do us some good…" She whispers.
"And I think it would also be good for Sofia…" She adds. "We have never really taken a summer vacation since she was born, because you had to be on set… It's a chance for her to spend more time with her grandparents… And it will also be easier if I take her with me so that you don't have to deal with her by yourself on top of work…"
I feel a deep sadness invading my heart. Not only my wife is actually choosing to go away from me but I'm not even going to be there for my daughter's first summer vacation…? But maybe Brittany is right… Maybe space would do us some good, although I don't see how that would do me any good. But I can see how that would be better for Brittany. She will be less sad if she's with her parents… and having fun with Sofia.
"How long would you stay over there… ?" I whisper, looking at the floor.
"Three weeks… If that's OK with you too…" She replies.
"I don't like the idea of being apart from my wife and baby for three weeks, Brittany… But… if you really think that you need to… I guess that… I wouldn't stop you…" I reply.
"I do think it's for the best, San… And don't worry, we can schedule video calls or something so that you can talk to Sofia every day…"
A FEW DAYS LATER – NIGHT TIME
Brittany and Sofia will leave tomorrow for Hawaii... To say that I feel sad is un understatement. I have never spent so much time away from my kid. And it's also the longest Brittany and I will be apart since we got married. Actually ever since we moved in together in New York…
Brittany and I have an "away ritual" – as we call it - when one of us has to go away. It kind of started when we were living in different states after high school. We would always have sex on our last night together because we didn't exactly know when would be the next time. And when Finn died, we realized that anything can happen at any moment. So the "away ritual sex" turned into even more passionate love making, as if it was our last night ever.
Even though we started to live together at some point, that tradition remained… We always make love the night before one of us goes away, even when it's just a two days trip. I can't imagine us doing that tonight, because we are stuck in this very serious disagreement and it's actually the first time ever that Brittany leaves me voluntarily and not by obligation.
I put my book back on my nightstand and turn my light off. What's the point of being awake if it's just to feel the tension between me and her…
"Night" I say.
"San…"
"Yeah?" I ask.
"Can we just… pause our fight for a moment?" She asks in a sad tone, a whisper really.
"Pause?" I ask, confused.
"Yeah… can we pretend - just for a moment - that the whole... baby issue doesn't exist?"
"Britt…"
"San… I know that even if we pretend all we want, the issue is still there and our marriage is going through a serious crisis. But… I don't care about being rational right now. I'm leaving tomorrow… for three weeks, and… there is a reason we have put our away ritual in place. What if something happens to me, or to you, while I'm away? I just… please can we pause it at least until I get on the plane? Please…?" She pleads.
I really don't know if it's a good idea but right now I want nothing more than pausing this heartbreaking fight and making love to my wife.
"OK…" I whisper. "It's on… pause…" I add, looking back into her eyes. We stare at each other for a while until she cups my cheek and captures my lips in a desperate loving kiss.
ON THE NEXT DAY - AT THE AIRPORT
"I'm afraid we have to go…" Brittany says softly.
"Yeah… I know… " I whisper, locking my eyes with hers for a second.
"So mija… are you happy to go to Hawaii?" I ask, holding Sofia tighter in my arms and forcing myself to sound excited. "You're going to have so much fun over there, baby! You will go to the beach every day with mommy, and you get to see grandpa and grandma! But I count on you to be nice to your mommy." I say, looking into my daughter's eyes. "You always listen to what she says, OK?".
I caress her cheek before adding: I'm going to miss you so so much, baby girl… But I promise that we will talk every day on the phone, OK? You give mama a kiss?"
As soon as I say that, Sofia places her little hands on my cheeks and gives me a big sloppy kiss, making my heart melt.
"Te amo mucho, mija…" I whisper, before placing her in Brittany's arms.
"So huh... You asked to pause the fight until you get on the plane, right? So...it's still on pause right now...?" I ask my wife timidly.
"Still on pause…" She replies, curious.
I immediately press my lips on hers for a long kiss.
"I love you so much, Britt…." I say with a sad voice.
"I know…" She whispers. "I love you too, San… You know that love has never been our problem…"
"Then how come we are saying goodbye in an airport…?" I ask, feeling tears falling down my face.
"Because… love cannot solve everything…" She replies with a sad shrug.
A/N: So what do you think? In my opinion, they would be both conflicted about the baby issue and that's what I tried to show in this chapter… On one hand, they don't want the same thing so a lot of feelings can come around that, including blaming, anger, resentment etc. On the other hand, they have been together for long and love each other so I couldn't see any of them walking away just like that… I feel that they would carefully reflect on the situation before making any decision.
P.S: If I'm not wrong, in Glee, Santana is an only child but Brittany has a sister that is briefly mentioned. But as we have never seen her, I decided to disregard that part, so none of them has siblings in this story.
