CHAPTER 21
A/N: Thanks to Olivia, May1217, DarkSouls3777, kelenhermitha, Berrylucky5 and valuchavr for your reviews! This chapter covers both Santana POV and Brittany's… Starting with Santana.
She looks at me and inhales deeply. "I haven't made a decision yet, San…" She whispers.
I finally release the breath I was holding, feeling relieved. Thank God, she is not leaving me, not yet at least…
"But me going to Hawaii without you was the right call..." She adds. "Do you remember what you said when we had that big fight about James? That you didn't want us to get to a point of no return in our marriage?"
I silently nod.
"Well… Before I went to Hawaii, we were really close to that point of no return, Santana." She says. "I was so emotional that I couldn't even think anymore! I was constantly sad, which is not like me! And above it all, I was… so mad that I was even… resenting you…" She adds, shaking her head, and I instantly feel a stabbing in my heart.
"You and me…. we are supposed to be partners!" She continues. "Ever since we started dating, I have always felt like we were on some kind of … train together… We were going side by side on the same life journey: high school, New York, L.A…. marriage, motherhood… So I really thought that we were on our way to having our second kid because… we have always said that we would have several children! I never thought in a million years that you would question that! And when you did… it's as if you had suddenly jumped off the train without warning! I felt left behind and… so betrayed…"
"So I had to go away from you…" She says with a sad pout. "…to get some perspective, to be able to think! And when I started to think, all these… conflicted emotions came up. I was devastated at the idea of never having other children, I was angry at you for putting me through that, then I felt guilty for running away from you, because… you have the right to change your mind, even about children…"
She pauses for a couple of seconds before adding "After a few days over there, I started to miss you… And I was not the only one because Sofia kept saying Mama all the time, and she wouldn't nap unless I was playing your album. It was like the universe wanted to remind me that you're the mother of my child and that I wouldn't have her if it was not for you… And when I saw that selfie of you with Julia Peterson, it hit me in the face… I realized that if we don't find a solution and we end up breaking up, you wouldn't go home to me anymore and Sofia would have a broken home. Some day you might even be someone else's – that someone being Julia or whoever – and it made me so jealous! I couldn't stand it!"
"But I don't want to be someone else's, Brittany… I'm all yours…" I whisper, raising sad eyes to her.
"But for how long, San?" She shrugs.
"I still want another baby." She adds, staring at me with her intense blue eyes. "You don't want it and I respect that now… But where does that leave us? I honestly don't know! All I know is that I can't make such a big life decision in a rush. We have to try everything we can to find a solution before making any radical decision. After being together for so long, we owe each other this much. And we owe it to Sofia too! It we end up getting a divorce, I need to be able to look into our daughter's eyes and tell her that we really tried everything to fix our family."
I swallow hard, trying to process all she just said… Hearing the word "divorce" from Brittany is breaking my heart and making my palms sweat. It is so painful to see that it is an option that she is actually considering, even if she also admitted that it would be as a last resort.
"Then… what do we do now?" I whisper.
"We need to talk about this again… but not like we did in the past. This time, we can't get lost in fights or be in denial. We need to discuss this calmly, look into our options and… decide what we do I guess. But we can't do this properly when our families are here, so I think that we should wait until they are gone…"
"But Britt, as soon as they go, we will have Mercedes and Sam's wedding…"
"Right… well, after the wedding then… It doesn't make such a difference…"
"After the wedding…" I repeat, nodding. "But what do we do until then?" I ask. "I mean…are we supposed to pretend that everything is fine between us when our family is around?"
"I actually told my mom, San… I didn't go into details because I really don't want her to worry, but she knows that we are having some kind of 'disagreement about babies'… But either way, we are still married, so… we are not really pretending…" She says.
"But we are not fine, Britt…" I shake my head. "The fact that you felt the need to go away… All those nasty things we said to each other on the phone… These conflicted emotions you are having about me… It's not us being OK!" I add in a sad tone. "Without mentioning that we don't even… have sex… And the away ritual doesn't count!"
"I know… But after everything that happened, I… I just don't feel comfortable to have sex…" She whispers.
I sadly nod without saying anything because it really hurts to hear that my wife doesn't feel comfortable to have sex with me…
It's not even the sex that I miss the most, it's the intimacy behind the act…
TWO DAYS LATER - AT PARAMOUNT
I'm on set today and while Artie is discussing with the cameramen, I'm going through the script with Julia, to give her my last instructions before her next scene.
"Your character really has to come off as a major threat to the Glee club in that scene…" I say. "Especially for those three lines here on page 8… I need the audience to see that we will face serious competitors at sectionals."
"Ok… Threatening, got it. Like she will stop at nothing?" Julia asks.
"Yes, exactly." I confirm.
"San…?" I suddenly hear behind us.
"Britt! What are you doing here?" I say, surprised to see her.
"I'm sorry to interrupt but I brought you your phone, you left it at home..." She replies.
"Oh my god, really?! I didn't even notice that I didn't have my phone with me… It's been real busy since I got here! Thanks for coming all the way here." I say with a small smile, taking the phone from her hand.
"No problem…" She replies before turning to Julia and holding her hand out to her. "Hi, I'm Brittany, Santana's wife."
"Oh… Hi! I'm Julia." She replies, shaking her hand.
"I know who you are… It's nice to meet you." Brittany says with a smile.
"It's nice to meet you too!" Julia replies.
I look back and forth between the two and I'm getting increasingly uncomfortable. Now that I know what Brittany thinks of Julia, I keep wondering if this little meeting can turn ugly. But Brittany is actually acting all sweet.
"I can't stay…" Britt says. "My parents are waiting in the car with Sofia. I'll see you at home?"
"Yeah… See you tonight…" I say.
Britt leans in to kiss my lips and I expect that super quick peck of hers that I have actually come to hate because that's all I get lately... But she suddenly cups my cheek and deepens the kiss, even slipping her tongue in my mouth. That's the first real kiss I get ever since she left for Hawaii and I'm aware that it's just to show Julia that I'm off limits. I would usually avoid this kind of kiss when I'm on set with colleagues but I have missed this too much to stop her. Even though the kiss only lasts for a few seconds, it's enough to leave me flustered. "Bye honey…" She whispers, grazing my cheek with her thumb while looking into my eyes.
"Goodbye, Julia!" She adds, before walking away.
A LITTLE WHILE LATER – AT PARAMOUNT
"Hey San…" Quinn whispers, gesturing for me to get closer to her. "I saw you and Britt kiss earlier, did you girls make up? You found an agreement on the whole baby issue?" She asks with a hopeful smile.
"Huh… I… it's complicated…" I comment, not knowing exactly what to say because I don't even know myself what Brittany and I are doing right now! "Britt said that we should talk about it again but not when our families are around. So apparently we will discuss after Mercedes and Sam's wedding…"
"I see… I think it's good if you talk again, hopefully you will find a solution together…" Quinn says. "And that kiss is a good sign, don't you think?"
"I don't know, Q… That was basically our only kiss in the past month! I think that was just Brittany marking her territory… She's jealous of Julia."
"Really? Why?" She asks.
"Apparently Julia is a lesbian womanizer… Britt's words, not mine." I say.
"Really?! I didn't know that she was gay! No wonder that Brittany is jealous."
"Why?" I ask, confused.
"It's Julia Peterson!" Quinn says. "I mean, come on, San… She was voted one of the 100 sexiest women in the world! Even Puck doesn't shut up about her since I told him that she was working with us!"
ON THE NEXT DAY – AT HOME
I'm busy reworking a script in the kitchen when Brittany's mom suddenly enters the room, startling me.
"Oh I'm sorry Santana, I didn't mean to scare you." She says.
"No, no, it's fine… I… I just didn't know that you were in the house. I thought you went out with Britt?"
"Yeah I was planning to go out with them but I suddenly felt really tired so instead, I stayed in and took a nap… It must be the whole jetlag thing I guess…" She adds, sitting at the kitchen table next to me.
"Oh OK… Are you feeling better now?" I ask.
"Yes! Much better, thank you. And you, how are you, honey?" She asks, tilting her head while placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.
"I guess you're referring to the baby disagreement…?" I ask, reusing Brittany's words.
She nods in confirmation.
I don't know what to say to Whitney… Brittany sugar coated the situation on purpose when she told her mom and I am scared to say anything that might undo that...
"I want to make Brittany happy but… personally, I just don't see any reason to have a second baby… Would you have… any magic argument that would convince me to have another child…?" I ask.
"It's not my place, honey… It's your life and your family… You and Brittany have to decide that for yourselves…"
"Well… she seems determined to have another one." I whisper. "She keeps saying that Sofia should have a sibling! I don't even understand why she's so obsessed with that… None of us has siblings…" I shrug.
"I think that I might know why…" She comments and I give her a confused look.
"I am pretty sure that Britt never told you because it's something she's embarrassed about…" Whitney says. "But when she was little, she was extremely shy… It was pretty terrible… She used to hide behind me or her dad whenever someone was around, even if it was another kid! She wouldn't talk to anyone except for us and her grandparents! And even with family, she was still very quiet… That's why we put her in dance class, because we thought that at least it would allow her to…. express herself, even without talking… And fortunately not only she loved going to dance school but it also helped her gain some self-confidence. She started to talk to her dance teacher and also the kids that were in her dance class… But she was still too shy to make actual friends… So… we thought that maybe a pet would help…"
"Lord Tubbington?" I ask.
"Yeah… That fat cat was her only companion for quite a while but she was happy! Or at least we thought that she was… Until that one year where she wrote a heartbreaking letter to Santa Claus. She asked Santa for a sibling so that she wouldn't feel so lonely anymore, and could have someone to play with or to talk to, without feeling shy…"
I look down, suddenly feeling sad. I had no idea that Brittany was so lonely when she was a child. I'm actually surprised that she never told me all this…
"Whitney…" I say timidly. "Why didn't you… huh…?" I trail off, too embarrassed to ask the question.
"Why we never had another kid?" She asks, and I silently nod.
"Well, you know that our family was not… wealthy. We were struggling to make ends meet… We had just enough for the three of us, we simply couldn't afford having another child."
I nod in understanding and she continues: "I believe that you know this but shortly after that letter to Santa, Brittany lost all her grandparents, in just a few weeks time… That was devastating for our family and it was particularly tough on Britt to suddenly lose four people from her very tiny circle… My husband and I were all she had left and she became aware that some day, her parents would be gone too… So she prayed every single night for a sibling, over and over... At some point, we had to sit down with her and tell her that it was not going to happen…" She sadly shrugs. "She was obviously heartbroken but she also became very anxious! She just couldn't sleep anymore, she kept worrying that she would end up all alone if something happened to her parents… We didn't know what to do! Fortunately, Ms Cooper was very helpful…"
"Her dance teacher…" I comment and Whitney nods.
I know that Brittany completely worships that woman, she even came to our wedding and Britt visits her every single time we travel to Lima.
"Ms Cooper was so fond of Brittany…" She says. "So when she heard that our daughter was depressed, she offered to give her extra dance lessons, for free. From that moment on, Brittany went to dance school every single day and it really helped a lot. Every time she was feeling sad, she would just dance and instantly feel better… But I think that she was still very lonely."
"So when she started high school…" She adds. "… I encouraged her to join the Cheerios because then she could also dance at McKinley! And I thought that being a cheerleader would help her making friends! And it did… you and Quinn were actually her very first real friends… Especially you, Santana, she always had a soft spot for you and it's not surprising… You were her exact opposite… You were so confident, outspoken and strong... always looking out for her…"
I smile as her words bring back so many nice memories from high school. I remember seeing Brittany for the very first time, at the Cheerios practice… She looked like an angel. She didn't say a word that day but she could definitely dance, I was really impressed! Everyone was, even Sue! The locker that was assigned to her was close to mine so when I went grabbing my stuff that day after practice, she was standing close by. Our eyes randomly met and I remember that she gave me the cutest shy smile I had ever seen. Even though I didn't know it back then, I'm pretty sure that I crushed hard on her right at that moment. She just looked so genuinely sweet, it was refreshing! The other Cheerios were mean, loud and gossipy… I actually disliked everyone in that team, except for Britt and Q…
"And now, look at how many close friends Britt has in her life!" Whitney suddenly adds. "She has come a long way! But I think that it was really traumatic for her to grow up in such a small family, with that constant fear of ending up alone… I suppose that she wants to spare Sofia from that loneliness and give her the sibling that she never had the chance to have…"
I exhale deeply, trying to digest everything that she just said.
"But that doesn't mean that you must have another child, Santana…" She adds, placing her hand on mine. "If you don't want a baby, you shouldn't have one. I want Brittany to be happy too but I also want you to be happy, you're like a second daughter to me! I just thought that you needed to know that story, maybe that will help you understand Brittany's point of view…"
"Thank you, Whitney" I say, hugging her. "I'm glad you told me."
A FEW DAYS LATER – AT HOME – EVENING TIME
We are a full house now that my parents and Abuela are also here with us. The whole family has spent most of the afternoon and evening in our garden, eating, drinking, chatting, playing games etc… I spent the whole day going back and forth between the garden and my fucking script. Sometimes I really hate that schedule… Summer time is supposed to be for vacation and family but when you run a TV show, the summer is actually very busy…
I'm the only one inside the house right now, and the only one working... They all must have a great time outside because I can hear their laughter all the way up here. As I finish up the last corrections, Brittany walks in the room.
"Hey…" She says.
"Hey…" I reply. "Sorry, I know I have been up here for a while but I'm finally done! I'm ready to go back outside with you guys." I add, getting up.
Out of nowhere she puts her arms around my neck and pulls me into a kiss that quickly turns hot. When she pulls away, I find myself speechless.
"How about we go to our bedroom instead?" She suggests with flirty eyes.
She takes me aback for a brief moment before realizing what this is about.
"Britt… we can't do that. You're drunk, honey…" I whisper.
"I'm not drunk!" She replies, offended.
I think I have had this conversation with her a million times over the years… She always gets offended, claiming that she's not drunk but she so is…
"Britt… I can taste the alcohol in your mouth when you kiss me… It's fine, I guess that by now, everyone else is drunk too... But you know how you get when you drink…"
"I thought that you wanted to have sex with me…" She says with a confused frown. "You keep complaining that we don't have any..."
"I do want to… I want you so bad, Brittany… You don't even know! But honey, with everything that has happened between us lately, it wouldn't be right. Maybe you wouldn't even want to do this if you were sober. It would be taking advantage of you, I can't do that…"
"But I'm giving you the advantage, why don't you take it…" She pouts, before kissing me again and sliding her hands to my ass.
"Britt, please…" I plead, reluctantly tearing my mouth away from hers. "I'm already struggling here, please don't make it more difficult on me..."
"What should I say? You put your magic earrings on…" She replies, kissing my neck.
Oh, the earrings, fuck! I grabbed the first earrings I could find this morning but indeed it's those… Britt calls them the "magic earrings" because it always drives her crazy when I wear them. No wonder that she's acting like this, especially if you throw alcohol in the mix…
With a sudden bravery, I pull away and step back. "Brittany… I'm the first one to want this, believe me! But it can't happen like this… It shouldn't be because of alcohol, or earrings, it should be because we want to be with each other, and it should be a sober choice…"
She throws an angry look at me and mumbles "Fine…" before leaving the room, clearly upset.
Why is she mad at me?! I haven't had sex in weeks! I should get a medal for doing the right thing here!
A FEW DAYS LATER – BRITTANY'S POV
We just had a great picnic at the park with the whole family and I am so happy to have them all around. I'm the only one still sitting on our huge blanket right now as everyone else got up, either to go for a walk or talk in smaller groups. I'm observing Santana playing with Sofia, seeing them together makes me feel more conflicted than ever… When I witness such endearing scenes, it's very clear in my mind that not only I want to have another baby but I really want Santana to be the one raising them with me. But being with her apparently means no other kids, so… I'm stuck.
I have been so confused about Santana these days, I'm pretty sure that I am sending her mixed signals… I am mad at her and love her at the same time. I am highly uncomfortable around her and yet I would have had sex with her the other day if she had not stopped me. I'm actually grateful that she turned me down because the truth is that I'm not ready for that kind of intimacy after everything that happened...
I'm lost in my thoughts when Santana's mom joins me and sits next to me.
"She's really precious that little girl…" Maribel says. "She reminds me so much of Santana when she was little…"
"Really? How was she when she was little?" I ask.
"She was curious about everything, always on some mysterious expedition to discover new things… And she was full of energy! But she was also a piece of work… Boy did she have a temper! At least, Sofia seems more disciplined than Santana ever was… My daughter just did everything she wanted, no matter how many times we said 'no' or threatened her …"
I smile, easily picturing a little Santana going rogue.
"Hum...Maribel…" I suddenly whisper.
"Yes, dear?"
"I… huh… I was just wondering… Why didn't you have any other children after Santana?" I ask.
"Oh… Well, to be honest with you, we actually didn't want to have children. Santana was... an accident."
"Oh she was?" I say with open eyes. I had no idea!
"Yes, when I found out that I was pregnant, it was a complete surprise! But as you know, nothing is stopping Santana, apparently not even contraception!" She laughs. "Of course when I look back now, I'm really happy that we had her… But one kid was more than enough for us, especially since she was not an easy child!"
She pauses before adding: "Santana mentioned the other day that you two had different opinions about having another child… is this why you asked?"
"Yeah… I was curious, I guess…" I reply. "I just… I love kids, they are… little miracles!" I add. "And I really would like Sofia to have a sibling but Santana doesn't see the point of her having one apparently…"
"Well… She doesn't really have a reference… Or not a good one, at least." She comments. "The only one in our family that has siblings is her dad… He has four of them! And they don't get along... We used to go for these big family dinners when Santana was little, all my husband's siblings and their children were there. It was always loud, everyone was screaming in Spanish and constantly arguing over whatever… Children were fighting over toys… Santana hated those dinners!"
"Oh wow, it sounds intense indeed…" I react. "But she never asked you for a brother or a sister?"
"Actually no, she didn't… You know that Santana loves being the center of attention! Being an only child, she was the queen of the house! Everyone was in awe with her, including Abuela! I don't think that she would have liked sharing all that attention with someone else... She has always been so competitive, I can only imagine the disaster it would have been!"
"You know…" She adds. "That might actually be one of the reasons she doesn't want to have another child, now that I think of it…"
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"Well… I see two different… aspects here. Probably because she grew up that way herself, she thinks that Sofia would be happier if she was the only child. But I also believe that Santana might be scared to lose your attention. If you have two children, all your time will be taken by the kids. Maybe she's scared that you won't have time for each other…"
"I never thought of that, but that makes a lot of sense…" I comment, my mind travelling back to the weeks that followed Sofia's birth. Back then, Santana used to complain that we only spoke about baby stuff, and she kept telling me that we were not only moms and that we were also wives…
"I just wish I could convince her but I don't know how to anymore…" I say.
"Honestly, Brittany… If there is anyone in this world that can convince my daughter of anything, it's you… She doesn't even listen to me the way she listens to you… But if you want, I can try to help you think about this. Did she give you any other reason for not having that kid?" Maribel asks me. "Because she doesn't open up much about it with me…"
"Well… She basically said that with her busy job, having one kid is already overwhelming as it is…" I reply.
"Yeah, that's not surprising. She's a perfectionist… You know what she always says: "I only have two speeds…"
"Awesome or not at all…" I complete her sentence, nodding. I have heard Santana say this so many times…
"She always has to be the best at everything…" Maribel adds. "So I'm sure that her goal is to be 'awesome' not just in her job, but also as a mother and as a wife… It's possible that she might be scared of failing at one of those things, or possibly all, if she takes too much on her shoulders…"
I nod because I know that Maribel definitely has a point. Santana is so invested in everything she does, it's something I have always loved about her. She truly gives it all when it's about something or someone she cares about. And God knows that she has really committed to me and to Sofia… It must actually be really difficult for her right now to see that despite all her efforts, we are growing apart and our family might implode…
A FEW DAYS LATER – AT PARAMOUNT - NIGHT TIME - SANTANA'S POV
It's very late and yet I'm still in my office at Paramount! I don't know what's up with me but lately, I really struggle with the scripts. Quinn has done a fantastic job though, she makes it so easy on me that I am only supposed to make quick corrections. Yet here I am, still trying to finalise the latest script at the last minute. I really have to submit it to the network before midnight, that's the final deadline that Lee gave me.
I suddenly hear someone knocking on my open door and I look up from my desk.
"Hi!" I say, surprised. "I thought that you went home a long time ago!"
"Oh no, I was in my trailer…" Julia replies. "It's actually easier for me to learn my lines when I'm at Paramount, it helps me to stay in character… How come you are still here?"
"Well… I can't finalize this damn script and my whole family is at home so... it's hard to concentrate over there… But even here, I'm struggling! I want to add some punchlines here and there but I can't think of anything funny enough…" I sigh. "I wish Quinn was here because two heads are better than one…"
"Well… Maybe I can help?" She says. "It's been a while but I have actually written scripts before."
"Really? Well... I'm going to take you up on that offer because I'm really no good today…" I say, pointing to the chair to invite her to sit.
A COUPLE OF HOURS LATER – AT PARAMOUNT
"Thank you so much for your help, without you I don't think I would have managed to submit it on time! And you found hilarious punchlines! I'm impressed..." I say.
"You're welcome, it was really fun!" Julia replies. "This whole show is great actually, you really are doing an amazing job!"
"Thank you... That means a lot." I reply with a smile. "This show is really important to me so I try to give it my absolute best… But you... You are amazing too! I love what you did with your character." I add. "You made her even better than she was on paper!"
She smiles back at me and I startle when I suddenly feel her hand on mine. Out of reflex, I look down at our hands for a couple of seconds and when I look back up, I see her inching closer to me, her eyes fluttering to my lips. Oh my god, does she actually want to kiss me?!
"Huh… I… I should probably go home, it's really late…" I suddenly say out of panic.
"You're sure you don't want to stick around a little… ?" She asks with a flirty voice, locking her green eyes with mine. "We could hang out in my trailer..."
I feel at a loss for words but I can't seem to look away from her. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm actually enjoying this attention and her sudden interest in me… Brittany has been so distant lately, I forgot how great it feels to actually be desired…
As Julia slowly moves even closer to me, I stay frozen, hypnotized by the way she looks at me.
A/N: Thoughts...? To clarify, based on the latest comments: yes, work is definitely one of the big reasons why Santana doesn't want another kid. But it's not the only reason so that's why in this chapter, I tried to dig a little further and I also went back to their past and childhood. I hope it helps you understand why they see the baby situation so differently... I also wanted to show that Brittany is still very much conflicted.
What did you think of this chapter? Will Santana cheat on Brittany? Let me know what you think, reading your reviews are one of my favourite things!
