AN: Thanks for reading and reviewing!
Chapter 19
October 9th, 2021
"Odette got pregnant?" Rory reflected Logan's words, her eyebrows raised high, but her voice remaining calm, trying not to show her real reaction in her tone. "That's the reason you left?!" she exclaimed, frowning, not quite following, struggling to hide what she was thinking. This certainly didn't sound like the honorable thing to do.
There was nothing weird about someone getting pregnant at their age, a married person no-less, but in no scenario that she could imagine was that what she'd expected Logan to say. Naturally there was also the layer of hurt in taking in his statement - would his reaction have been similar if she'd been the one telling him something like that?
"No-no-no…, wait," Logan corrected, having not realized how much the bourbon had dulled his brain. The reason for that was probably that he'd intentionally cut back on his drinking these past months, knowing his body needed a break from the heavy drinking he'd subjected it to. He'd been pushing it on all fronts - working, working out and also partying as hard as he could. They'd all been his methods of coping. He'd even gotten a cautioning glance from his physician the last time he'd been to see him to take things down a notch.
Rory waited expectantly for him to explain. It just didn't fit into her head that Logan could be the kind of guy who bailed a situation like this had it been a straightforward one.
"Yes, she got pregnant, but no - it wasn't mine," Logan assured.
"Oh," Rory exhaled, sounding more relieved than she perhaps should've. It sure sounded like Odette had been cheating - but then again it did sound a little hypocritical at the same time. It was not like Logan had always been that determined on monogamy either years ago, but Rory could understand that raising another man's child was a bit of a different story. She had to admit that having been able to skip that conversation with Jess years ago had kind of been a relief at the time.
"Listen," Logan began, hesitating about how to go about this. There were two ways to go about this - the short summed up version and the lengthy one. But as one of the reasons he was there was to explain - and to apologize, he was kind of hoping to tell her the long one. "You realize really explaining this would require me to go further into the background of this… I know you've never really wanted to know about the details of that relationship nor what that relationship really was and I won't force it on you now if it's impossibly hard for you to hear," he added, thoughtfully, unsure if this really was something Rory wanted to air.
Rory took a lungful of air and exhaled.
"I think five years is a long time. I think that's enough distance, don't you?" she replied, trying to put on a strong front.
At the time it had been too painful to ask about or to hear, now it was more of a nagging regret that she'd never really understood things. She'd never understood why it had been seemingly so easy for Logan to compartmentalize, for example. And, of course, there was the question - Had she really been just a mistress or was there something more to it? She'd been messed up - in limbo - unable to really connect to anything or anyone that year after Richard's death - she wasn't blameless in any of this either, she knew that. But she also understood that in the long run it wouldn't have mattered - things had turned out differently, and it was good - or she wouldn't have Em. She'd done fairly well for herself, hadn't she?
"Okay..," Logan replied, though he wasn't quite convinced regrets really ever simmered down.
For him it had been quite the contrary. The entire time he'd been without Rory in his life, he'd felt like he was under water unable to reach the surface for air. At least when Rory had been around during her brief visits or even phone calls, he'd felt like there was a capsized, perfect but at the same time functionally imperfect boat on top of the water with air pockets underneath giving him a moment to breathe. But he'd never been allowed to linger in those pockets of air for too long - Rory keeping him just far enough to not admit to feeling or wanting anything more either. He had always understood her several rational reasons for doing it - the expectations of his family's name, her career aspirations which she wanted to be independent, the long distance aspect just to bring some points. But it didn't mean it hadn't hurt - she still hadn't really wanted him. But even those waters that he'd been stuck in hadn't always been that deep as they'd gotten in the end.
March 4th, 2016
Logan had just left work, decisively having wrapped up everything he could for the weekend. His assistant, Marjorie - a woman well in his 50s who was the most capable person he'd ever met to handle the business side of his life, had made sure he did, the goal being that he wouldn't be late for his uncle's retirement party. It would've been just yet another boring family event but his mother had been pretty decisive that he needed to be there.
He'd gotten changed at work too, and was aiming to step out of the doors of the HPG office on the corner of Buckingham Gate and Victoria, right into the Mercedes V class that waited for him. But before he reached it a joyous cheer stopped him in his path and he was wrapped into an affectionate embrace within seconds.
"It's so good to see you," Odette exclaimed, along with le bise.
"You too," Logan replied, wrapping his arm around her, guiding her towards the car. It was different from the way one perhaps touched a lover, one that one actually loved like a soulmate, but it was just as intimate, just less about taking in the moment and more about something that demonstrated how comfortable they were around each other.
If he would've had to go to this thing alone, he would've been a lot more reluctant to do it - one of the several reasons why they were doing this was to pause the questioning both of them were subject to at each of their families' events.
'Hey, Logan. Are you seeing anyone? I know this wonderful woman from my committee.'
'Logan, darling, have you met Penelope, her father owns HSBC Holdings?'
'You are certainly getting to that age where marriage is a sign of stability, it applies for business too whether you like it or not.'
These were just a couple of interactions that he'd heard during the last Christmas party. And Odette had it even worse - somehow even for a woman with an advanced degree the most burning questions revolved around when she was going to start popping out babies.
They'd taken the easy way out, getting people off their backs. It was not like either of them had anyone else that was promising to get serious around, despite both having their own relationships on the side. If they were clever about this they might be able to stretch out the engagement by a couple of years. It was good for business, as people kept suggesting and the announcement alone really hadn't hurt the two family businesses involved, getting them a lot of media attention. This was the way forward in the lives that they were stuck in.
Had Odette been just a piece of arm candy her mother had set him up with, he wouldn't have been half as satisfied with the match. But they were friends first, genuinely happy to be around each other, having their own bits, feeling like they didn't need to pretend to be someone they were not around each other. They thought in a similar way about it - it was business, a necessity like getting one's shots. But they were able to have fun together, occasionally also ending up in bed, on top of that, but it was what it was - the only commitment in their relationship being that 1.3 CT platinum engagement ring Odette had picked out for herself.
"Just wait till you see what I got you," she announced excitedly, and got in the car, Logan following her.
Odette had just arrived today from her travels - Logan wasn't even sure where exactly - Paris, certainly - as that was where she lived for now - probably Tokyo, Frankfurt too as those were her more frequent destinations. He knew she didn't mind if he didn't keep up.
Odette had the features of a blend of Léa Seydoux and Amanda Seyfried, along with beautiful blonde wavy hair. That day was dressed in a red sleeveless dress and a wool coat that hung open. But no matter what she wore what topped her off was that bouncy, almost bubbly, personality, which was easily underestimated as her only asset. But she liked to surprise people when they least expected it. She came off as a party girl, like now, as she handed Logan an object that looked like a flashlight.
"What is this?" Logan observed the object, finally finding a small label that read Teeling Blackpitts Peated Single Malt, answering his question, making him smile broadly.
"Thanks," he replied, and gave her a little cheek kiss from gratitude.
"Well I thought it might be a lengthy drive out, so we might just as well get started with a few drinks," Odette replied, speaking perfect English without any lingering French accent. In her opinion it was such a cliche that everyone from France only spoke with rolling r-s, wore berates and thought about baguettes.
"Well, let's see what this baby tastes like then," Logan suggested, opening the bottle up, feeling relieved to end his working week and actually do something fun. They would have their little sub-party in the car while the car drove out of London at the speed of a snail.
They both took a sip.
"Not bad," Logan commented, having allowed the golden liquid burn on his tongue.
"So where are we going tonight anyways? I'm sorry - I forgot," Odette asked, laughingly.
"Uncle Myles, dad's older brother. Retirement. Worked in real estate, castles and golf courses up in Scotland - that kind of thing," Logan summed it up.
"Right," Odette recognized and took another sip, squinting her, knowing that type of crowd all too well, and continued to make a couple of naughty kilt jokes.
"But you know why she insisted we come," Logan said, referring to his mother.
"I know, I know," Odette sighed. It wasn't that neither had considered maybe doing this was a mistake - but what else were they going to do? Besides, the engagement seemed to have bought them considerable time, if it came to it they could always just call things off at the last minute.
"Anything happen or…?" he inquired, wondering whether she was having cold feet.
"I just had a fight with Julian, he didn't take the news of the engagement that well," Odette shared. Julian was a boyfriend of hers, casual just the same - but it was weird how for some people the constitution of marriage took the fun out of it. "You know what he's like, emotional - makes a bigger deal about everything than it is," she shared, continuing to bring a few examples.
"You want me to talk to him?" Logan offered.
"No, I don't think it's necessary. I'm sure he'll come around but it just wasn't the way I wanted to leave things before I left," she replied.
"It's a couple of years…If we keep our lifestyles like they've been now it'll go by in a flash," Logan shrugged, thinking realistically. They both worked 60 plus hours a week, travelled at least a 100 days a year. That was the plan. Get married, with prenups of course, get divorced claiming they grew apart or something equivalently boring.
"Yeah. We can do that, can't we?" Odette agreed, getting her mind in the game.
It hadn't just been an idea that just one of them had thought of, it had all begun when they'd actually been mistaken for a couple once. First it had just been funny, but then seeing how actually bringing the other to a few events as a plus one simplified things, people started getting impressions and assuming, as it had finally begun to make a whole lot of sense. They needed the same thing from each other.
"How was Rory?" Odette asked, also knowing about her visit. She knew both about her and the lengthy past Logan had with Rory, and she certainly wasn't oblivious to Logan holding a special place for her in his heart. One just didn't forget about someone who one had asked to marry him for real and gotten turned down, but she hadn't bothered to really understand what he thought about it. It was clear that it was complicated and for now seemed to work the way it did. She had nothing against Logan having something more special in his life even if it was complicated.
"She was good, has some struggles on the work front - not the easiest author she's working with," Logan explained. "Mitchum saw us having lunch at Vertigo though, you know how he is - put up a good face but couldn't help rubbing you in Rory's face," he added with a squint of his nose.
"That's classic Mitchum, alright," Odette replied, having interacted with him a number of times by now. Odette had the most spectacular ability to read people, knowing just in front of whom to show various sides of her. Like for example, when she was talking to Shira she could look completely oblivious to ever having gotten her PhD in bioinformatics or being almost as well-read as Logan but instead talk about things that Shira cared about - making appearances, charity events and she could already guess that the next big topic would be wedding planning. And since her own mother had passed years ago, there was perhaps a hint of longing in her for that kind of a relationship, even if it was just Shira in her pretentiousness.
October 9th, 2021
Hearing Logan talk about it all being a big pretence, with some benefits, wasn't really that surprising to Rory. It hadn't been nice to hear, naturally - it wasn't nice to hear there had been other people who he was close friends with in that level that also offered him a warm place in bed and were willing to play the expected role in society while also being well educated and successful. Those were all the things she felt she'd failed in. She'd never really been the casual kind of girl, no matter how much she tried to convince herself otherwise.
"So what happened?" Rory asked, not quite following why the pretence had gone sour.
"I guess… through time as neither of us really had time for outside relationships anymore. The unexpected side effect of actually having a ring on one's finger too, I suppose. I don't really know what happened - one day we were just like in the past - friends - and suddenly she started wanting more. I cared about her, sure - I didn't want to hurt her. That was never my intention. But I don't think I ever thought about her the way she grew to think about me," Logan explained.
"The pretence stopped being a pretence on her side," Rory reflected, having pulled her legs up on the hair, holding them as she'd listened.
"And obviously she wanted more - more time with me, more affection - which I just didn't feel right giving her beyond…," he began, deciding suddenly not to go into too much detail their sex life. He didn't want to make this more uncomfortable for Rory either. "And you know how some women get that ticking in their brains after some time," he said. "She was convinced we should have a baby, maybe she even hoped that'd bring us closer together or something. Though I'm not sure there's ever a worse reason to even consider it," Logan added, and took another sip of his drink.
That last statement hit a little closer to home for Rory than she cared to admit.
"I delayed it as much as I could, I was never really around, buried myself in work. She even indulged in talking to Shira about all these things… I hated the way she'd changed from a partner in crime to something resembling a collaborator. She just turned into a completely different person in that role. I hardly recognized the person she was in the end…," Logan explained in a sigh, rubbing his face.
He didn't want to go into the specifics that he'd actually given in on Odette's request a few times and tried to give her a baby, just to get her off his back, but in time the word 'ovulating' had become the biggest turn off for him, hence he'd started avoiding her during those times altogether. Finding ways to travel or stay out all night or just work, even using the most common excuse of having a headache more than once. It was no longer fun.
"But she did get pregnant?" Rory inquired, sensing Logan had gone quiet for a while.
"She did. She is - I guess," Logan sighed. "I don't even know whose it is or whether it's off a catalogue of some sort, but she just went behind my back on it, not caring what I thought. She'd told Shira before she told me even. She was just going to pretend it was mine, saying she'd just suggest I couldn't perform or was sterile if it ever came to paternity testing," he added, not really having aimed to go that much into detail. Odette had gone from a friend to an enemy, aiming to lock him in that life forever.
Rory held her tongue, not daring to open up about the fact that she knew Logan certainly wasn't sterile. It was such a well kept secret, locked away so deep in her, having never even told Jess about it.
"I'm sorry that happened," Rory replied instead.
"No, I'm sorry," Logan said. "I'm sorry that I put you in that position. I get that it must've felt horrible to be on the sidelines of something that looked like that. You didn't deserve that," he added, having been thinking of her side a long time. Their goodbye in New Hampshire had been perhaps even more painful than Rory turning down his proposal. Because it gave no hope.
They sat there quietly for a few minutes, Rory swirling the remainder of her drink around in her glass.
"I should probably get going," Logan suggested, sensing the mood the grown more awkward, and stood up. It was pretty late already, time having passed so fast.
"How long are you in town for?" Rory asked. She wasn't even sure why she was asking - it was not like this would be a regular thing.
"Just until tomorrow, maybe Monday. I need to go talk to Honor," he suggested, picking up his leather jacket from the couch.
"That might be wise," Rory mused, being already able to imagine parts of that conversation.
"I am not really sure where I will go then... Cambridge or Boston maybe, start looking into work again," he added, having mentioned he needed fresh heads from universities to do what he planned.
"But it was good to see you," Rory replied, looking down and then up, feeling a slight tinge in her gut at the thought of him leaving again.
"You too," Logan agreed, feeling like one stone had been lifted but still feeling kind of heavy. "Hey - I really hope that you can forgive me, that we won't hold the past as this big things between us. I didn't handle things right, we didn't talk enough. I'd like to think we're more than strangers certainly," Logan said, his hand already on the door handle.
"It wasn't just you. It was a bad year, I was a mess - I perhaps used you too, so there's nothing to forgive," Rory said, taking part of the blame. By-gones, right?
Logan gave a weak smile.
"At least now you have my number again. So don't be a stranger," Logan suggested, in a tone she knew so well, and stepped out the door.
"Wait," Rory called after him. She felt guilty for having told him everything, but it just hadn't felt right - she'd sensed that he had been the one this time who had really just needed to talk.
She took a step out to the porch in her socks, feeling the fall chill through her leggings, and wrapped her arms around him for a comforting hug, which he returned.
"It's going to be okay," she whispered.
Logan hadn't realized how much he'd needed that. A simple human touch, someone to cheer for him. He needed a friend like her, more than he ever had.
