Chapter 2.
Thanks to Merlin and Kodiak for their advice and beta skills. All mistakes are my own...
"He said what?" Beckett's voice echoed around his office.
A nervously pacing McKay stopped and looked at Beckett. "He said 'make her stop' and 'get her out of my head'. Oh, and let's not forget, 'I can't do this again.'"
Beckett frowned, muttering something McKay couldn't quite hear; though the scientist recognised the annoyance displayed in Beckett's body language. "I knew he was keeping something from me! What is it with him? He can't just tell me what's going on, can he?" The doctor was somewhat pissed, McKay noticed. Okay, make that really pissed, McKay corrected himself.
He interrupted Beckett, "Oh come on, Carson. Would you admit to thinking the Wraith queen was 'in your head'? I know I wouldn't." McKay paused, and looked Beckett in the eye. "So, with all those letters after your name, I'm sure you 'll be able to explain to me what the hell is wrong with him?"
Beckett sighed, massaging his forehead with his hand. "I have no idea what's going on. He's suffering migraine-like symptoms. His blood pressure is high, and his seratonin levels are a little up. Other than his brain activity being a little higher than normal, his tests have all come back completely normal."
"Well at least his little fainting spell had nothing to do with the artifact he was holding. Zelenka analysed the readings I took, and it's some sort of diagnostic tool, probably medical," McKay explained to Beckett.
The Scotsman's head jerked up, as he took in what the scientist had told him. "A diagnostic device? That could explain a lot. Perhaps it scanned his brain and triggered the 'episode' the colonel experienced. Can I see the readings from the device?"
McKay sighed, answering, "You can, but you won't understand them. I'll go over them and see if I can make heads or tails of anything there. Zelenka couldn't make sense of most of it, but then again, he's not me, is he?"
Beckett snorted. "No, he's not. Thank God. Let me know if you find anything of interest. I'll fill Elizabeth in on what's happened. She's in a meeting with Caldwell at the moment, and I thought it might be prudent to wait till he's gone before telling her about this."
Grinning, McKay couldn't help but quip, "Hah! Not only a voodoo expert, but a diplomat as well. I'm impressed, Carson."
The doctor raised his eyebrows. "Cheeky, Rodney. If I were you I'd go and analyse those readings before I use your bum as a pin cushion…"
Not needing to be told twice, McKay quickly moved, making a hasty exit from Beckett's office.
-oOo-
Waking up this time, Sheppard knew exactly where he was. Head throbbing, feeling nauseous and an IV line present in his other hand this time, he instantly knew he was in the infirmary – again. Gingerly opening his eyes, he concentrated on focusing at the figure sitting in a chair by his bed. Ah, Beckett, and looking none too pleased.
"Colonel. I see you've decided to join us. How are you feeling?" Beckett asked rather shortly.
Sheppard groaned. "Pretty much like last time Doc. How long have I been out?"
Beckett sighed, before answering, "About eight hours. Why didn't you tell me these headaches were linked to the Wraith queen's probing of your mind?"
Straight to the point, Doc, Sheppard thought. "I don't know that they are. Why do you think that?" Sheppard had a horrible feeling he'd let something slip while he was not feeling himself.
"Rodney told me you said, 'get her out of my head' before you passed out," explained Beckett, and Sheppard could sense the doctor's annoyance.
Great! Sheppard thought to himself, how do I get out of this one? "I don't remember saying that. Perhaps McKay mis-heard. I'm not hearing voices, Doc."
Beckett gave a sad smile. "I didn't say you were. Strange you believed I thought that though. Are you?"
"Am I what?" Sheppard sighed. He wasn't deliberately being obtuse, he reasoned. No, that was a lie, he was, if he were being honest , but he really didn't want Beckett finding out that quite possibly he was going, what was the word? Oh yes, nuts.
"Don't play games with me, Colonel. Are you hearing the Wraith queen's voice in your head, or not?" Beckett was in no mood for his attempt at deflecting questions, Sheppard could see.
"No." It was simple to lie. God knows, he'd done it enough times. Sheppard actually didn't enjoy being deceitful, but knew that admitting to hearing voices would be a bad career move, especially with Caldwell waiting in the wings, ready to pounce. It also wouldn't help in his search for Ford
Beckett looked directly at Sheppard, making the colonel shrink back into his bed, before simply saying, "I see. If you don't tell me what's going on, I can't help you, lad."
Sheppard, sank further into his pillows, closing his eyes briefly, in thought. "I'm telling you all I can, Doc." That wasn't a lie, Sheppard reasoned. He couldn't tell Beckett everything. Not if it meant losing his job, and being put in a straight jacket.
Beckett patted Sheppard on the arm, smiling as he stood. "Try and get some rest. How's the headache?"
"It's bearable. Doc?" Sheppard paused, biting his lower lip, before continuing, "I'm…look, I don't mean to be a pain in the ass. I'm sorry. Thanks for taking care of me."
"Just get better, Colonel. Then I'll be happy." Beckett started to walk away, but turned back to look at Sheppard. "And…you're welcome."
Sheppard settled back in his pillows, closing his eyes, and praying the Wraith queen wouldn't disturb his dreams again.
-oOo-
After another twenty-four hours of observation in the infirmary, Sheppard was relieved to be released. Beckett had for the second time in as many days, reluctantly released Sheppard and allowed him to return to light duty, along as he promised to get plenty of rest. Sheppard's headache had been reduced to a dull throb, though he knew that was because of the meds Beckett had given him. Frustrated at being limited to Atlantis, and light duty, Sheppard figured if he behaved himself, that he'd be cleared for full duty in a day or so. In the meantime, he had decided to spend his enforced down time researching the planets near to where he last saw Ford. If Elizabeth wouldn't let him search for Ford, he would use all the available resources to find him alone. He owed his former second in command that much.
Walking towards one of the research labs, Sheppard was surprised when Caldwell passed by, stopping to talk to him.
"Colonel. How are you feeling - better, I hope?" the senior officer asked.
Sheppard plastered on his best smile. "Yes, sir. I'm good."
Sheppard could tell Caldwell was scrutinising his face, and the pilot just knew Caldwell wouldn't leave things at that.
"Dr. Weir tells me you've become somewhat obsessed with finding Lt. Ford. I hope it's not necessary for me to remind you that it is your duty to set an example to those under your command?"
"No, sir." Sheppard felt the anger in him escalate as the colonel riled him. Why would Elizabeth tell Caldwell something like that? They were supposed to be a united front against the commander of the Daedalus, and Sheppard was surprised at how betrayed he felt; the fact that Elizabeth would speak to Caldwell about him in confidence like that smarted.
Continuing, Caldwell smirked, "I really am not surprised, Sheppard. Your instincts and emotions drive you. If you think I'm going to stand by and watch you erode the morale among the military personnel here – think again. Pull yourself together. If I thought Ford was alive, I'd be searching for him using the Daedalus' sensors. He's a security risk and I wouldn't hesitate to eliminate him, if the opportunity arose…"
Sheppard blanched at the colonel's words, anger threatening to boil over. He interrupted Caldwell, "With all due respect, sir. You don't know Ford, or what he's become. He's very resourceful, and it would be foolish to underestimate him."
Caldwell balked at Sheppard's words. "It would also be foolish to continue searching for a dead man when you have been ordered not to, Colonel. It would be a shame if I were forced to report to Stargate Command that I am concerned about the ability of the military commander of Atlantis to perform his duties." Caldwell paused, and Sheppard inwardly flinched at the venom in the man's voice. "I suggest you get some sleep and think carefully about what you want. Just because Dr. Weir has the President's ear, doesn't mean she has carte blanche over everything that concerns the military. You'd do well to remember that, Colonel."
Sheppard watched as Caldwell strode off down the corridor, suddenly feeling pain from the unconscious clenching of his hands. He headed determinedly towards the lab, seething with anger, head pounding furiously in time with his pulse.
-oOo-
As he sat hunched over a laptop in one of the research labs, Sheppard didn't notice McKay enter, and stealthily approach him. He was uncharacteristically taken aback when McKay suddenly started speaking.
"What exactly are you doing, Colonel?"
McKay's voice, catching Sheppard off guard, caused the pilot to jerk his head up from the laptop sharply, and Sheppard was shocked by his own complacency. He answered the scientist a little more sharply than he intended.
"Nothing. Nothing important. What are you doing here, Rodney?"
"I just asked you the same thing. I thought you were supposed to be taking it easy. It's late, you should be sleeping in your quarters. So, why are you here?" Sheppard could sense that McKay was suspicious.
"You wouldn't understand."
McKay studied Sheppard's face, and Sheppard noticed the worried look on the scientist's face. "Try me," McKay answered simply.
Sheppard let out a deep breath, massaging his aching neck. "Fine. I'm searching the database for the addresses to any planets near where the Hives were destroyed."
"Why would you want to do that?" McKay wearily asked. Sheppard noticed the scientist's head jerk, as if suddenly joining the dots together. McKay groaned, simply saying, "Ford. You want to find Ford. Jesus, Sheppard. He's dead. Why are you doing this to yourself?"
Sheppard clenched his jaw, trying to quell the anger coursing through his body. "I'm not doing anything to myself. I have to find him. He's out there, and I need to help him. Why doesn't anybody understand?" He let his head fall into his hands and sighed.
"What's to understand? He's gone. Even if he were alive, do you really think you could persuade him to come back here? In case you didn't notice, he likes being hyped up on the enzyme. He doesn't want to be helped. Hell, he doesn't even think he needs help. He thinks he's superman." McKay paused, making Sheppard look up at the scientist's face. "Sheppard, listen. I know how responsible you feel for Ford. What happened to him was …" McKay seemed to be searching for the right word, Sheppard thought. "It was…horrible. Okay? He didn't deserve it. But you punishing yourself by feeling unnecessary guilt is going to make you sick. So, just let this go. If, by some miracle he did survive, we'll run into him sooner or later. Come on, leave that, and let's go and get you some food, then get you to your quarters for some sleep."
McKay placed a hand on Sheppard's arm, making Sheppard jerk away sharply from the contact. Angrily he shrugged the scientist's arm away, shouting, "Just leave me the hell alone! If you don't want to help me, then… just go. I have work to do."
Sheppard raised a hand to his forehead, kneading his head, as the ever-present headache started to viciously throb.
"Fine. Be stupid. Make yourself sick. Carry on like this and you'll be relieved of duty, and then you'll be in Heightmeyer's clutches. Don't expect any sympathy from me." McKay turned to leave, and Sheppard saw pain in the man's face. "Sheppard? Please let this go. Get some rest and get better. I really don't want Caldwell running the military, not when I've already spent so much time breaking you in." McKay smiled half-heartedly, and Sheppard felt a pang of remorse.
"Look, I appreciate what you're saying, but I have to do this. Really. Once I find Ford everything will be fine. Okay?" Sheppard lowered his head and continued scrolling through the database, distantly aware of McKay leaving. I will find him. Then we'll see who's being stupid, he thought.The pounding in his head was starting to overwhelm him and Sheppard lowered his head onto the desk, shutting his eyes, as the Wraith queen's hypnotic voice reverberated through his skull once more. As she commanded him to kneel, this time he inwardly refused to obey, instead opting to be pulled into the soothing darkness of unconsciousness.
-oOo-
In the distance Sheppard heard someone calling his name. He couldn't make out whose voice it was. It sounded like… Ford. God, Ford. He needed help. He needed Sheppard's help. Trying to open heavy eyes, Sheppard realised he was crumpled in a heap on the floor of the lab. Groaning, he rolled over onto his back and squinted at the shadow looming above him. "Colonel? Are you alright? You want me to call Doctor Beckett?" Zelenka. It was Radek.
"Ah, no. I'm fine thanks, Radek. Must have fallen asleep." Sheppard slowly started to sit up, rubbing the back of his neck as the stiffness from sleeping on the floor made itself known.
Thinking he'd been lucky that it was Zelenka who had discovered him, Sheppard quickly got to his feet, wavering as he did so. Zelenka put out a steadying hand to help the colonel, just as McKay blustered in. Taking in the situation, Sheppard watched as McKay strode purposefully across the room, and stood in front of him, hands on hips.
Sheppard inwardly groaned, knowing what was coming.
"What the hell are you still doing here? Have you gone totally insane? No, don't answer that, because I already know the answer. You look like shit, Sheppard. Aren't you due to have a check-up with Carson this morning?"
Groaning, yet again, Sheppard looked at his watch, and noticing the time, ran a hand through his unruly hair. "Crap. He's going to kill me. I'd better go and shower. Thanks Radek." After smiling reassuringly at the two scientists, Sheppard practically ran from the lab, realising he had better get a move on, or his ass would be Beckett's.
-oOo-
How he got through his check with Beckett, Sheppard would never know. He looked like hell, and felt like it. Beckett was uncharacteristically subdued throughout the various procedures, and only asked Sheppard a few general questions.
Beckett refusing to return him to active duty wasn't a surprise, but Sheppard reasoned that it would actually give him more time to search the database and give him extra time to find ways of persuading Elizabeth to let him search for Ford. He had already identified two nearby planets, and was hoping he'd be able to charm Elizabeth into letting him go search them.
Walking to the mess to get some breakfast, for once following Beckett's orders, he was interrupted by a call on the p.a. system, asking him to report to Weir's office. Well, I did try to get breakfast, he thought, inwardly laughing.
On approaching Weir's office, Sheppard was unpleasantly surprised to see Beckett, Heightmeyer and McKay all squatting in various couches and chairs inside. He strode up to the door, pausing in the doorway, as Weir cleared her throat on seeing him approach.
"Come and sit down, John." She sternly said as the doors slid shut behind him.
Sheppard flopped on the nearest couch, and decided it was best not to say anything until Weir had spoken.
"I have asked Dr. Heightmeyer to be present at this meeting on Dr. Beckett's advice. To put it simply, we're worried about you, John. Rodney told me you slept in one of the labs last night, after he found you searching the database for planets that you believe Ford may be on."
Sheppard listened to Weir's words feeling numb, hoping his expression mirrored that feeling. He looked at Weir, and wondered what was coming next. He inwardly flinched as Weir continued. "You obviously are not feeling very well, and Carson has explained that you are still suffering headaches, nausea and certain other symptoms. I've called you here to discuss a plan of action. To be blunt, this can't go on."
Sheppard saw Weir falter, and her shoulders sag as she again paused. Composing herself almost immediately, she resumed her monologue. "I need you, John. Atlantis needs you. I don't know what's going on, but something is very wrong with you, and I need to find out what it is. I don't want to ground you permanantly, but you're giving me little choice. What's happening?"
Feeling emotion well up, Sheppard bit his lip, before answering, "I just need to find Ford. But you won't let me do it, will you?" Sheppard paused, desperately trying to compose himself. When he felt himself calming down, he continued, "I'm not feeling great, you're right. I'm frustrated and angry, and I don't understand why you won't let me do such a simple thing. I'm not asking you for much. I just want to look for a friend who needs help…"
Sheppard again paused as his head started to pound again. He put a hand to his forehead, trying to ease the throbbing pain. Sensing everyone was staring at him, he lowered his hand, standing, before continuing, his anger no longer contained. "But the great almighty leader of Atlantis thinks it's a waste of resources, a waste of time. How the hell do you think I feel when you say things like that? You even spoke to Caldwell about me. I thought I knew you, thought you understood me. Now I don't know what to believe anymore…" Sheppard started to pace up and down, kneading his forehead with his hands again.
Weir sighed, and Sheppard saw her start to stand, but a firm hand from Dr. Heightmeyer stopped her in her tracks as the psychologist calmly stood up, and walked over to Sheppard. "Colonel, I think you should sit down. Whatever is upsetting you, we can talk about it together. Quietly and calmly. There's no need to get upset."
"Really? Oh I see. You think I'm losing it, don't you? What? I'm not allowed to have emotions and care about somebody? How can I talk about this calmly, when I'm told my friend is not important and is a waste of time? I just want to look for him, that's all. Why is that so difficult to understand?"
Sheppard abruptly stopped, the pain in his head rising to a crescendo.
"I…I don't understand you…any of you. Ford is just a kid…who needs help. Why… won't you let me find him?" Sheppard fell to his knees abruptly as the Wraith queen's voice again echoed in his mind. "God… no. Not again…please." As his interrogation with the queen replayed in his mind, Sheppard managed to grind out, "No…I'm not going to tell you…I'm not going to kneel…Stop…just stop!"
Beckett suddenly appeared above Sheppard, and gently unzipped his black shirt, pulling aside the fabric to expose his upper arm.
Sheppard jerked in surprise. "What… are you doing? No…leave me alone!" He cried out, trying to wriggle away from the doctor.
As he felt a prick in his shoulder, he looked at Beckett, and heard him whisper, "I'm sorry, lad."
Feeling himself gently being lowered to the floor, Sheppard was aware of a fuzzy, warm feeling enveloping him and he felt himself falling into darkness yet again.
Tbc.
