AN: recap of previous chapter in case you skipped it: Rory got pregnant with Logan's baby in New Hampshire, but lost the baby roughly at 8 weeks. She'd decided to call Logan and offer him a say in what he wanted to do - mostly considering either raising her on her own or if it came to it having an abortion. But she'd had a missed miscarriage (with a lot of bleeding) before she got around to it. She was a mess of emotions, feeling guilty, ashamed and at the same time relieved. She also struggled to feel fully happy for Em later on, because it was shaded by the guilt that Em wouldn't have been there if she hadn't miscarried.


Chapter 29

October 23rd, 2021

The room had been silent for a long time, the quiet sobs having died out, but there they continued to sit- Logan holding her, just letting her feel whatever she felt, as if frozen in time.

Rory didn't dare to move or say a word, afraid that if that moment, that embrace, broke - there'd be no more of that. She ached in her fear.

Logan now knew her deepest secret, and he was being the perfect gentleman by not walking out the door before he'd made sure he was fine - that was what she thought.

Other than 'it's not your fault', he hadn't said anything to explain what he thought or felt, leaving Rory guessing. It was probably not the best idea considering the thoughts that mind of hers was thinking up.

"Feeling better?" Logan finally dared to ask, quietly, not wanting to underestimate her emotions.

She did feel better. Emptier. Dry. Tired, and hungry too.

She inhaled deeply, letting the air exit her lungs with a slight tremble, a remnant of her earlier whimpers. Rory nodded, looking at him, as his hand stroked her back, supportively. His kindness felt undeserved.

"I'm so sorry, Logan…," she said, almost in whisper, struggling to keep full eye contact.

"Hey - I told you - it's not your fault," he assured, speaking slowly.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you - that is my fault," Rory specified.

"You had your reasons… you were hurting. While sure, I would've like to have known - I can understand why you didn't want to open that line," Logan said, to Rory's ears sounding almost too understanding.

"Why aren't you angry?" Rory asked, her head shaking in disbelief. It seemed incomprehensible to her. For all these years she'd been sure he'd be angry at least in part. About not telling him she was off the pill for starters, for not taking any precautions to not end up in that situation, for not telling him the minute she found out… for all of it.

"Because I am tired of being angry - I've been angry at myself for years," Logan sighed, knowing how tiresome that could be. There was a lot Rory didn't know about his travels yet, there having also been some self-exploratory paths in that journey he'd taken. It was about acceptance and forgiving among other things. "And this - this is not something to be angry about. Sad - yes, sorry that you had to go through that, and that you had to go through that alone - yes," Logan said, continuing, "I'm not saying I'm through processing this myself - but right now angry is not what I'm feeling."

Rory exhaled deeply, feeling immense relief, and still some disbelief too. It seemed too good to be true. The reactions she'd imagined - his disappointment, anger, decieved, lied to - if the latter was closest to the truth being kept from him - suddenly there weren't any more of ghosts of those reactions. There was just his real reaction.

She stretched out her legs, letting them touch the floor, the release of the self-inflicted position reflecting well how she was feeling too. In many ways it had been self-torture and self-blame. Now she was able to let some of it go.

"Now - are you hungry?" Logan asked, looking directly at her as if studying her.

Rory nodded, she was sure they both were, having missed their dinner.

"You got any food in that fridge?" he asked, rising from his reat, gesturing towards the kitchen.

Rory couldn't believe he wasn't rising to leave, to leave for good, but just headed for her kitchen, taking the liberty to explore.

"Eggs okay?" his voice asked. "I can order in but it'd take longer," he suggested an alterntive.

"Yeah," Rory replied, her voice still a little broken, not even sure which part of that question or statement she was replying to. She knew her fridge was pretty bare right then, having not gotten around to going shopping yet, Logan having changed her plans.

The simplicity of this domestic scene acted as the assurance that things might actually be okay. She wasn't sure how or in what format - but she felt some hope. If he didn't hate her, there was hope.

Rory felt tired of feeling so much, and made her way to the back of the house, deciding to go wash her face in the sink, hoping to bring some of the puffiness, she must've had in her face, down.

As she emerged, she watched Logan make scrambled eggs, struggling a little to find as many spices as he would've liked in her cupboards, but Rory could tell he wasn't really at all surprised. She kept wanting to pinch herself though, unsure if she was just having a dream.

She couldn't help thinking that in some alternate universe this could've been the reality - it could've been her and him, and instead of Em some other 4-year-old. She swallowed that thought not wanting to be overcome by tears again. Em was real, that she knew.

Logan put the eggs on a piece of toast that had a slice of cheese on top aloong with a dash of ketchup, adding a light sprinkle of salt and pepper, and served the dish on the dinner table, as if it was something fancier than it really was. They ate quietly, re-adjusting to each other's presence.

"Oh my god, what time is it? It must be really late," Rory suddenly realized, midway through her scrambled egg sandwich. She'd lost track of time completely. Food had improved her well-being considerably, accepting that Logan was there and didn't want to flee from her.

"I'm not on a curfew, Ace," Logan noted, lightening the mood, but kept it casual enough. It may not have yet been appropriate to start making jokes.

"Yeah, but it sucks driving back in the dark," Rory said, feeling bad for having delayed him. She glanced outside, seeing a light drizzle outside, having created a spotty pattern on the window.

It was like they'd just turned a new page with this meal. What the story that started on that new page was still unknown, but they'd certainly started something. Small steps.

"If it's your way of asking me to stay...," Logan began with a slight tilt to his head, trying really hard not to flirt. But then he slowed down. "I can just go crash at the Delmar," he added, referring to a hotel nearby, like it was no big deal, though he was pretty sure he could drive to Boston just as well, because he wasn't really feeling very sleepy after all of this.

Rory didn't reply in an instant.

"I don't mind if you stay," Rory finally said, sounding a little hesitant. "But it'd be down here on the pull-out," she added, making it clear that she wasn't ready for things to advance.

There were more discussions to be had, getting re-acquainted even more, acceptaning that time had passed, in part wasted, but in part having given them both a chance to reach that state of mind where they were at. Surely they were maturer? More life experienced? She wasn't ready to make promises, but she didn't really want him to leave either.

"I wouldn't dare to hope for more," Logan replied, and calmly finished his meal.

Rory could still sense a glimmer of victory in his mind already, it just shone off of him. But she did believe he was actually entitled to that. Had he not spoken up, they might not be here, eating scrambled eggs while the puffiness in Rory's eyes slowly diminished, feeling lighter than she had in years.

Sometimes all one really needed was just the presence of another person.

Rory helped Logan make the bed downstairs, having just washed the linen that morning, the two speaking very little. Rory just felt too exhausted from before to really do small talk, not to mention talk about anything more serious.

With a simple 'good night', Rory headed upstairs, and fell asleep in her bed without much effort. She felt safer too, and definitely less alone - even if he was just downstairs.

For Logan, falling asleep wasn't quite as easy - he did have a lot on his mind. He was definitely picturing the 'what if' scenario, despite knowing that for many reasons he shouldn't. But it made the grief more real - it was an entire alternate universe that he could grieve now, not just some simplified version of Rory telling him to not get married to Odette. But he didn't cry, or pine - it wasn't like him, but he had to admit that probably just hearing about it afterwards wasn't the same as living through it. Had he gotten attached to the idea of a their baby, maybe he would've.

Logan woke to the sound of a ringtone coming from upstairs, jolting him up, for a moment needing to recall where he was. He hadn't slept poorly at all just with strange dreams, none of which he could quite put his finger on right now.

His mind already raced towards possible reasons why he was better off not lounging around Rory's livingroom, let alone in just his boxers.

What if it was Jess bringing Em back or Lorelai coming over? He didn't want to cause a big fuss by being around. Things were too fragile for any of those interactions - he was under no impression any of this would be easy if he did get a real chance.

He got dressed hastily, feeling the coolness of the air on his skin, hearing Rory speak to someone on the phone upstairs, while not quite making out what she was saying.

The heat wasn't turned on yet, but overnight it had gotten notably cooler outside. Rory's house looked different in the morning light - the light bringing out a lot of its imperfections. The walls had a few hairline cracks in the light-colored paint and the old hardwood was covered by several darkened layers of varnish, not really hiding its scuffs and scratches. He'd always admired how low maintenance she was about these things - preferring function over something glossy.

And after hearing her talk about the miscarriage - he really wasn't surprised why she'd been relieved to move out of the Gilmore mansion, the place probably not holding many good memories for her anymore. This place was immersed by her personality, he just wondered how much of what he was seeing was Jess' influence by now.

Rory made her way downstairs, already dressed, just as Logan emerged from the bathroom, some minutes later, the two meeting with a humble smile.

"Morning," Logan said. While he would've gladly continued whatever this was, he didn't want to overstay his welcome, and he also got a feeling the call had probably something to do with the fact that she was up at 8.30 on a Sunday morning and was already dressed. His huntch had been right.

"Hi," Rory said, appreciating that he was folding up the couch and linen.

"I should probably get going," Logan began, finishing up and picking up his jacket. He slipped his phone into his pocket and patted his pocket to check if his keys were still there.

"I would argue, but I've got to go pick up Em. She's not feeling well, has a small fever," Rory explained, apologetically.

"It's fine," he said, lingering for a moment, then taking a step towards the door. He wanted to say something, but for once, he was unsure what that was. Something not pushy, thankful, forward-thinking...

"Logan?" Rory said, filling in the silence.

Logan turned, hopefully.

"I'm not promising anything…," Rory began. "It was hard, the last time… But what I am saying is that I'm not saying 'no'," she added, unable to withhold a small smile. Saying it had been 'hard' had really been an understatement, but that was a conversation for another time.

"I'll gladly take a not a 'no'," Logan said, trying not to gloat too much.

He approached her himself, suggesting a hug in goodbye, which she offered him without hesitance, lingering in his embrace just a little longer than friends would.

They pulled apart and Logan took another step towards the door, but turned again.

"I wonder how Seth feels about this?" Logan asked, in a slightly teasing tone.

Rory laughed, and to Logan's eyes the sight of her smiling again really was the best sight.

"Well it seemes to me that Seth had a bit of an issue with me having money," she admitted vaguely, looking down and back up, knowing Logan would enjoy hearing that.

"He's not a very smart man, is he?" Logan replied, and stepped out the door with his signature smirk.