Chapter 33
October 30th, 2021
"I was actually going to suggest we might go to therapy. I got the name of a therapist Honor used with Josh a few years ago," Logan had said.
"You did?" Rory replied hesitantly, not believing her ears. She'd just expected him to brush it off - assure her that they'd get to the hard things eventually or even convince her that they shouldn't look back but forward, charm her. But he had even gone to his sister with this. With them.
Rory suddenly felt bad - for not having had enough faith in him, and her eyes definitely showed that guilt, as they swelled up in tears.
"Hey - what's all this now?" Logan asked, her tears having not been what he'd expected either. His hand had naturally already regained its position on her back just like he'd held her a week ago. But neither he or she wanted crying like this to become the only thing they did together.
"I don't know… I just didn't expect you… I almost expected to have to convince you to do these silly exercises with me, I don't even know what this is that I'm feeling," she laughed through her tears, feeling silly and a little guilty, relieved too. She was a blunder of emotions.
"Well I guess we both have to do a little convincing , of ourselves mostly, every now and again - to face the hard stuff," Logan began. His mind was already thinking of way more fun things they could do - and not even all of them included being naked. He just wanted to see her smile. But he knew the hard topics needed their limelight too. All fun and games was what had gotten them into this mess.
"I know," Rory exhaled through the remaining whimpers, wiping away her tears.
"But if we were to start from the easier side of this… let's talk about expectations, maybe?" Logan suggested and turned to the list, deciding to grab the bull by its horns."
He was quiet for a moment thinking things over.
"And maybe for now just something preliminary," Logan added.
Frankly, he was just afraid he might scare her off. He did consider her the love of his life, but it was too soon to say those things out loud. It was too much pressure. It was too much pressure to tell her how the entire time he'd walked those pilgrimages alone he'd talked to her in his mind and how she'd been the one urging him to take another step when he'd been too tired - that doesn't just happen with any ex girlfriend. He was desperate to undo his damage just as there were things he needed from her.
"What do you want?" Rory asked, being a little hesitant to express her wishes. It wouldn't have been the first time she'd struggled with it. But then again - Logan had been just as short for words the last time around.
"As for preliminary expectations…," Logan began, clearing his throat. "I guess I just want to get to a place with you where you trust me, though maybe that's a little optimistic on a short timeframe," he added, this one of the items on her list having hurt him more than some of the others. "I'd like us to date - get to know each other again, and besides that I think maybe seeing that therapist every couple of weeks wouldn't be a bad idea, if you can squeeze that into your busy schedule. And I know I can't expect you to have time for me all the time, even if I am close by - so I realize this might take a while to get to something resembling a real relationship," Logan said.
Rory felt a little embarrassed now - for one putting that trust thing on that sheet of paper - as she did trust him with anything she told him, that kind of trust had never been an issue. But with the shadow of a casual relationship having hung over their heads for so long she did worry if they understood things the same way and whether she could lean on him as much as she actually wanted to. She'd also thought so far along in her head already, despite all of her self-cautioning, that it almost felt like being ten steps ahead of him already - that felt dangerous.
"You?" Logan asked, expectantly.
"I guess..," she began, nervously. "I feel bad saying it… like maybe I shouldn't but I keep trying to caution my brain to stop because it's rushing way ahead in this. I know we're not anywhere near that now, but I spent the week thinking what Em would think of us being a couple or maybe even living together someday. Or how Jess would take it once he found out," Rory said, deciding to do what she normally would have avoided like the plague.
Logan was just in awe, having not dared to hope it was as two-sided as this. He'd thought she was more indifferent to him, that she'd actually moved on. And that it was going to take a lot of effort from his side just to get her to like him like that again.
"So I guess if we're talking about expectations - I hope for a relationship. A real, honest, stable, exclusive relationship, where we don't have secrets - nothing significant at least, that we don't blindsight the other. I don't want to be lonely, I want to have someone to talk to, I want a partner. Things like that," Rory discussed, gaining more courage as she went along. She felt so naked after saying all of that. But she actually had surprised herself a little that she had been able to spell it out so clearly.
"For some people that would be what wedding vows sound like," Logan slipped, speaking what some of the keywords she'd mentioned reminded him of. "Sorry - just saying. Don't worry, that's not what I'm reading from this," he added, apologetically.
"Like I said, I had a little too much time on my hands this week," Rory replied, humbly, worrying about what he was thinking.
"It's good to hear you say that though," Logan admitted. "I almost thought this was mostly on me and I'd have to convince you to even consider us like that again…," he added.
"You did?" Rory asked.
Logan nodded.
They were sitting on the couch, Rory's leg bent under her other leg and Logan's arm stretched out across the back of the couch, having soothed her back for a bit earlier.
Rory reached for his hand, the one that laid in his lap, to hold it, feeling the core of her chest swell. It was a mixture of loving him, deep happiness for him being there and being on the verge of tears again feeling like she wanted to just sink into him but knew that she shouldn't.
But touching him felt good, and the gentle stroke of her palm with his fingers even better. It was mutual.
"Well - my main worry, I guess, is getting hurt again," Rory admitted, looking at their hands, before daring to look him in the eyes.
"I'm not going anywhere, not for longer than some meetings at least… And as far as I am concerned I'm exclusive here. I didn't come all this way to sleep around. I haven't since I realized I needed to try to do this," Logan explained.
"Were you going to contact me, if I hadn't left my card? I wasn't sure I would…," Rory inquired. While she didn't have a problem promising Logan exclusivity now, she didn't really want to admit that her history of hookups was a little more recent than his seemed to be.
"I was thinking of getting myself settled a little first, then asking for details from Finn. Though it seems Finn's pretty insistent on keeping your secrets, whatever they are," Logan explained.
"Logan," she began, looking down again, her fingers still exploring the palm of his hand, adoring this small and innocent way for them to be in physical contact. It was more intimate than a lot of things people did - sex was sometimes more impersonal than tracing someone's palm lines or looking at the wear of time on other's skin. "I have no problem with exclusivity, but I think you should know that these past few months I've stuggled, I've been lonely and I guess I've been searching… you won't like hearing this, but if we're being fully honest…," she added, almost expecting him to tell her that he didn't want to hear it.
"Seth?" he asked.
"Yeah, but it was nothing… I doubt I'll hear from him again," she added. "And… Jess," she confessed, with a deep sigh, knowing this was a little more tricky.
"When was that?" Logan asked. Naturally both of these things stung. He knew this was a lot more complicated - but what he worried most was whether the man actually believed he had some claim over her - as this was actually something that might cause issues in the long run.
"About a month and a half ago. I don't have feelings for him. I will always love him as Em's dad, a friend, but it's not in any way romantic from my side. He was just there - I had a bad day, in that moment it was an easy fallback kind of thing," Rory confessed, feeling embarrassed, stroking her forehead as if trying to hide her face.
Logan wanted to add that he hoped this easy fallback wasn't something he needed to worry about, but this was where trust began - wasn't it? It went both ways.
"And I sort of kissed Finn once, but it was a misunderstanding. We talked - had a good laugh about it," Rory blurted out, hoping to get that out of the way hastily. She really didn't want him finding that out from Finn during one of their drunken competitions.
"What!?" Logan responded, unsure if he'd heard her correctly. "I got to hear that story...," he mused, feeling in part entertained and a little disgusted.
"Hey, it just shows how desperate I was for company…" Rory tried to laugh at her own expense, but it didn't quite come out as she'd planned.
Logan raised his eyebrows at her briefly, unsure what she was doing by saying that.
"I needed to shake that one-time Jess thing out of my system. So I got a dating app, and just started to think about the men in my life...and mom sort of convinced me that Finn showing interest in me by coming around often must mean more than friendship. So we went out in the City casually and just … I guess I tested that hypothesis. But we have like 0 chemistry so I was ready to sink to the ground. Thankfully, he was a true Finn about it - and we ended up with Paris' scotch on the roof terrace laughing about it," she explained.
Logan chuckled, but there were still some concerns he had about Jess for one. He also wasn't sure whether her need for a relationship was specific to him, after hearing all of this.
"But you're not just pursuing this, us, because you've been lonely - like you said, right?" Logan needed to ask.
"No.. definitely not," Rory moved, straightening her back, feeling panic. "Yes I was, I am lonely - but I tried grasping at straws and it didn't work. I don't just need company, I need a deeper connection than someone's attention. But just being around you feels good, right," she admitted, sheepishly. She could've gone on - say that she felt happier just to have him around, even as a friend, that she no longer dreamt about him all the time now that he was in her life again, that simply holding his hand, like she was right now, felt so incredibly good.
"But does Jess know that you two are through?" Logan asked, sounding concerned, trying to see the two sides of this. After all - it wasn't the first time Jess had been a fallback. But Logan didn't even know the half of it.
April 22nd, 2006
Logan was in pain - it felt like every cell in his body was in some type of pain, but it was all numbed - like something was taking the edge off but the ache was still overbearing. He felt a little nauseous, cold sweat, humming in his ears. Then a moment of clarity.
He was surrounded by darkness - was it just dark or were just his eyes closed? Why couldn't he control his eyelids? He couldn't move either - he didn't know which was worse - not knowing what was going on or not moving? His mind was not best at logic right now, his thinking trailing off to the beeping that surrounded him, traffic noise, some people talking somewhere in the distance. it was all a blur.
"What the hell is wrong with you?!" a voice, which sounded kind of familiar, resonated louder the mumbled conversations he'd heard before all of a sudden.
Then his mind trailed off again, missing the rest of the context.
He didn't know how much time had passed, but the next thing he felt was someone holding his hand.
"Logan, the doctor's say you're going to be fine. There's a lot of damage so you'll need to take your time to heal. But you're going to be okay," the same voice that he now recognized as Rory's, spoke.
He slipped out of consciousness for a moment again, unsure how long it had been.
"I'm so sorry, Logan... God, I love you, I'm so worried about you…You have to be okay...I don't know what...," Rory continued, her speech blurred by her sobs.
Don't cry! - he wanted to console her. But he was beginning to worry now himself. What was going on?
"You were right, I was so angry at you… I shouldn't have let you go to that thing...," she mumbled. "I didn't mean to go see Jess, I swear - I didn't know what came over me," she continued, but Logan was unsure whether there had been anything in between or not, still fluctuating between unconsciousness and consciousness. "It was just a kiss, nothing else, I swear - I am a horrible person, Logan. Oh, please... Please be okay," she continued whimpering.
That certainly stung in a different way than all of his other aches. But the surrounding sounds were all a lot clearer now - the beeping, some machines, the traffic, the people out in the hallway… and her too. He could also feel her fingers in his palm, stroking him gently - it was almost ticklish - a welcome sensation amongs all the aching.
Jess - when did she see Jess? - he pondered, feeling confused. Just a kiss - that didn't sound that bad - he'd done worse if not considering the technicalities. He knew he'd hurt her, no - he'd deeply wounded her. It was that guilt he'd been trying to escape. Maybe he actually deserved that? He wasn't happy about it, but he couldn't deny he felt relief that it had been just that. How was he supposed to react? Make a dramatic awakening just then and there and call her out on it? He didn't even know how to open his eyes, they felt so heavy. Somehow in the midst of all of this a kiss didn't sound like that big of a deal. Not enough for him to awake or move. At least she was there, stroking his palm, right?
It was then Logan slipped into the quiet darkness again, unable to respond with anything, not even his thoughts.
He woke to his aches again but the aches were more specific now - on his sides, really sharp ones right there, his leg, neck, knees, his face - it felt like he was damaged pretty badly. He'd had broken bones before, but this was definitely the worst he'd ever felt.
Suddenly he saw light, someone checking his pupils, and continued to lift his shirt and use a stethoscope. He dipped back into the darkness again.
As the cold object disappeared he dared to speak.
"Rory?" he asked, unsure who or what else to ask for, feeling like he needed to spare his energy. His throat felt sore and very dry.
His eyes felt like they'd been glued shut but he forced them to open, registering a nurse standing in front of him. His eyes closed again, but opening them for the second time felt a little easier.
"I'll get her for you in a minute," the nurse said.
The nurse commented something generic like the doctor would be around in a little while when he was more alert to fill him in on everything, but said that he was in recovery at Columbia Prespytarian. He didn't register much more.
He looked over as much as he could of his body, seeing a cast, bandages and wires. He could only move his arms a little - must've been broken ribs, he'd had a few of those before.
"Hey," Rory walked in, being a true sight for sore eyes. Those high heels of hers, and in a dress that was the perfect length for her - classy but still sexy. But she looked tired - how long had she been here?
He looked for signs of crying, but there were none. Had he dreamt that? How long had he been out?
"Hey," he let out, not feeling like he sounded quite like himself.
"You're awake," her gentle voice noted, sounding happy.
"Or hallucinating, pretty good hallucination," Logan replied.
"Oh, you're awake," she assured.
"I must look like crap," he noted, being genuinely curious to how bad it was.
"Now, I know why you never let me see you without makeup," Rory said, jokingly.
"I guess base jumping with very little preparation wasn't the hottest idea," Logan contemplated the obvious, speaking coming a little easier already. The last thing he remembered prior to his brief moments of consciousness was the actual jump. He almost felt relieved that his mind had blocked out the painful bits, which he was by now sure there must've been many.
"You're gonna be fine, you're gonna make a full recovery," Rory explained.
"Hey Robocop made a full recovery. Look where that led him," he tried to be funny, the more serious aspects of this being too scary to think about. It had been scary being stuck in his body like that, unable to move or open his eyes. Hearing her worry hadn't been good either - he never wanted her to feel like that again. He never wanted to think about that confession of hers again. He now realized, however, that maybe they never needed to bring it up at all - somehow a small slip like that seeming so irrelevant. She was there, wasn't she? She was there when he needed her the most. Nothing else mattered.
"This is the best hospital in the city, and the best hospital in New York City is basically the best hospital in the country, and that's basically the best hospital in the world, so all in all, you're in the best place you could be, all things considered," Rory continued, sounding very optimistic. But in the light of what he remembered, he suspected she was just putting on a brave face.
Logan groaned, trying to move.
"Hey, what do you think you're doing? Lay down," Rory scolded him.
Logan sighed, realizing that she was probably right.
"I'm really sorry about this," he felt he needed to say.
"It's okay," Rory replied, appearing so brave right now.
"No, it's not okay. I was showing off. I knew it wasn't safe from that cliff. I was so drunk, I was lucky I pulled my chute at all," Logan admitted, regretfully. He'd felt so horrible, having needed to dull his personal guilt and cluelessness on how to fix this thing between them. He had no such skills - where was he supposed to get those skills this being his first real relationship, besides it was not like his parent were a good example of good communication.
"But you're going to be fine, and I will be here as long as you want me to be. I've located the gift shop and the good cafeteria, 'good' being a relative term, and the maternity ward, in case I want to play little practical joke, swap the newborns around," Rory continued, sounding a lot more chipper.
Logan chuckled, but stopped - it hurt too much to laugh.
"What about the paper, school?" Logan insisted. He didn't want her making sacrifices for something he did. But he could guess that if what he'd heard earlier was real - maybe she was juggling some guilt too. He didn't want her to, though - he'd already forgiven her. It seemed so insignificant.
"I have my laptop," Rory said. "I can stay on top of my schoolwork. And Bill can run the paper for a while," she added, having all things figured out.
"I don't want you to fall behind, miss too many classes. You already have more than enough to do without having to see me...," Logan continued.
"Shh... Logan, just relax. Get some rest. I'll be here," Rory assured, touching his arm, her voice sounding as sweet as honey to his ears.
He did want her around.
"I'm glad," was the only thing he managed. He felt tired of talking already.
After a whole day of aching, check-ups and having his blood taken for test, some more uncomfortable procedures like having his catheder taken out, and some very lousy liquid form food, Logan had visitors. First there had been Colin and Finn who'd brought a bunch of his stuff over, including Henry.
He'd then napped.
He wasn't terribly amused to waking just at the minute his father arrived, but what could he do. It was a miracle the man was even there. None of what he'd said was a surprise though, and he pretty much let it in the one ear and out the other. But the fact that he'd shown spoke for itself - somewhere inside he did care about him, at least that was the feeling he was left with.
"Hey," Rory said, emerging into his room moments after his father had left. Logan noticed she'd gotten a change of clothes, and maybe even gotten some rest, making him feel a little less guilt about that she'd chosen to stick around all this time.
"So, my dad just left," Logan commented, realizing Rory must know how incredible that was on its own.
"I saw," Rory commented.
"I still can't believe it. He actually visited. He was only moderately hostile, slightly condescending, and no more self-centered than usual," he listed.
"Well it's good that he came. Good for him," Rory added, sounding like she was holding something back. "Are you feeling any better?" she asked, focusing on him again.
God, how he loved this girl.
"I am. Of course it could have something to do with the 27 medications they have me jacked up on," Logan added, trying to sound entertaining. The aches were number, but frankly he was just really aching for being stuck of bed. But he knew it'd be a while before he'd be up to his normal self.
This really did fall under the 'in sickness and in health' clause, didn't it? It was the first time that thought had ever crossed his mind.
"I checked with the doctor. It's mostly cough syrup and baby aspirin," Rory replied, but she sounded off again.
"What's wrong? I'm feeling better," he said, wanting to assure her.
Rory shook her head.
"What?" he needed to ask. He hoped she wouldn't feel the need to bring up the Jess thing again, if that had indeed been real. He didn't need to hear that again.
"I'm sorry," Rory said.
He was expecting her to spill it now, for the second time. This was a prime example of knowledge doing more damage than ignorance. It was like what he'd done - he'd tried not hurting her, but made other mistakes in the progress. His mistakes were nothing compared to a kiss. He was in uncharted waters, he was feeling stupid and inexperienced - like he was constantly on the verge of losing her.
"About what?" he played oblivious. Her crying earlier had been a weak moment, he felt it had been too private somehow to just tell her he'd heard her. He was scared to bring it up too.
"About letting you go on this trip. I should have stopped you. I was just so busy being mad at you," Rory confessed instead. "I didn't think I was trying to punish you, but I was trying to punish you," Rory continued.
"No, Rory..," he pleaded, needing her to stop this guilt trip. He'd deserved all of it.
"I should have stopped you," she added, sounding like she was about to cry.
"Hey, you couldn't have stopped me. A team of psychiatrists with tranquilizer guns couldn't have stopped me. I was going no matter what. It was my fault. Do not feel guilty about that," he added. He didn't know what else to say.
"I just sent you out that door. I didn't even care. I was so cold. I just, I could have lost you," Rory said, a tear forming in the corner of her eye.
Logan got the feeling that she was on verge of saying something more, or even if she wasn't which was probably for the better, her apology was deeper than she'd said. He appreciated that part, but he wasn't mad at her. It was then it hit him, that he really wouldn't have minded her kissing someone to hurt him, it was the fact that it had been her ex that made him worry. But either way - he'd already forgiven her. He just knew now how badly he needed to get his act together.
"You didn't lose me," Logan replied, trying to assure her. But more than anything he felt good - loved. For the first time in his life he felt that kind of love. She was someone who would miss him if he was swiped off the world, someone who would cry for him. Other than his sister, he wasn't sure there was anyone else who would. It was a self-centered way to think about it, but that was something one was allowed in his thoughts, right? He got a little emotional himself, but tried to keep himself together.
"But I could have, though," Rory insisted and Logan got the feeling that perhaps she was talking about more than just the accident.
"Look, I'm the one screwing things up with us here, not you," he assured, and that he truly believed. "I'm sorry you're in the hospital right now. I'm sorry about all of this," he continued. "I don't know what's going on with me, but I'll get better, okay?" he promised. He needed to - for her. "Things will calm down. I just need you to bear with me, okay? Okay?" he said. He just needed to hear it from her.
"Okay," she replied, and sighed.
Rory continued to stroke his hand and his hair, giving them a moment of mutual appreciation.
