Chapter 34
October 30th, 2021
"But does Jess know that you two are through?" Logan asked with concern in her tone.
Rory panicked - she had expected a lot of things to become an issue - the slowness of their pace, the difficult conversations, his work, his former relationship to Odette if she insisted on pursuing him or the mess of their former relationship - but not Jess. To her it was crystal clear. But now that Logan had pointed that out as something he was concerned about, suddenly Rory saw it too. It was a valid concern and had roles been reversed she might be worried too.
"He knows I date. The rare times he has suggested something, I've turned him down. I think he gets it," Rory explained. "I think he dates too," she added, having gotten the impression he, for example, hadn't been playing racket ball on his own - it was so unlike him.
But now as she explained it, she felt for the first time as if this wasn't enough - maybe she indeed needed to spell it out for Jess.
"He's been a recurring person in your life almost like I've been, I'd be lying if I didn't want some assurance that he wouldn't become your fallback yet again at the first sign of trouble," Logan admitted.
Rory observed him with some confusion - she'd never thought of it like that. His candidness was refreshing. Maybe he really had changed.
"The relationship I had with Jess when I was in high school is nothing like what we had more recently, but I wouldn't compare the two of you - you're nothing alike. It's not the same thing," Rory argued, trying to clarify.
"But you've done it before - when you've been mad at me, he's been the guy you've gone to," Logan said, realizing only as he'd said it that this had been yet another undiscussed thing between them.
"What?" Rory asked. She wasn't sure she was hearing things right.
"That night at the hospital… I was in and out of consciousness. I don't know, maybe I dreamt it or heard just part of the story - correct me if I'm wrong, but I do believe I heard you tell me you kissed him," Logan explained. "And then the next day you apologize for being angry at me and we never spoke of it again," he added. "And no, I'm not still mad about that, I forgave you on the spot. I had much more blame on me for how things were back then, but all I am saying is that there's a precedent. And when we said our goodbyes in New Hampshire - there you went again," Logan explained how he saw it.
Rory really hadn't thought that their first date-like situation would feel like this. It almost felt like a fight, and that even without Logan sounding terribly accusatory. He was speaking calmly, but it was a little borderline - it was no wonder, both of their emotions were enhanced in each-other's presence.
And maybe in part she did felt culpable. It had been a large part of what she'd spoken with her therapist about, in fact. It was just a gentle topic for her. Hence she was more easily agitated, defence being her first stance.
"I didn't know you knew...," Rory sighed, now feeling even worse.
"Like I said, I'm not mad about that - I deserved a lot worse back then," Logan admitted.
Rory sighed. It didn't help much, but a little - maybe.
"Jess has just always been the guy in my past that has always wanted me back. No matter how awfully I've behaved towards others, no matter how unsuccessful I was at work, no matter how big of a mess I was, he's always just given me everything I've asked of him. And I have been a huge mess, but I've treated him horribly too," Rory began to explain again.
"Well, I think I've outdone you in that," Logan replied, not liking the way she spoke of herself.
"I believed you were cheating on your fiance, while sleeping with me. And now I learned you just had a pretend marriage. So you didn't do anything wrong at all. I, on the other hand, have split up my ex-boyfriend' marriage, as you know, I've used Jess to deal with our mess, I've kept around a boyfriend I hardly could keep track of, let alone treated with respect, I cheated on him with you, and I've used Jess again… I'm not a good person, I'm really not," Rory said.
It wasn't guilt or poor-self image anymore. She'd solved those with her therapist. But this was the reality - she'd made a lot of mistakes. But as her therapist had assured, she could only ever really do about the decisions she continued to make. Those included not hurting the men in her life if she could help it.
"Rory..," Logan wanted to add, but he really couldn't say anything. "But I let you believe that… I gladly did whatever you asked from me to be with you," Logan added.
"Let's not go there today," Rory replied, realizing that the 'Vegas' agreement was a whole other can of worms she didn't have the energy for tonight.
"Okay," Logan shrugged, letting it go.
"But concerning Jess - perhaps the only good thing about it is that he doesn't grasp the magnitude of how much I've used him," Rory continued to explain, feeling like she hadn't covered what she'd set out to clarify for Logan. "But now if you are back in the picture - he actually might. He might resent me. He might begin to connect the dots. He doesn't know anything of our former relationship, he doesn't know about the pregnancy, the miscarriage. As far as he knows I saw you a couple of times in relation to work since graduation, that's it," Rory confessed.
Logan began to ponder what her life with Jess had been like - with him knowing so little of her life in the past. He liked to think their 'nothing' had been pretty significant - their connection deeper going beyond just sex. And having recently heard how broken she'd been after the miscarriage, he could only imagine how alone Rory had felt in that relationship if she hadn't even been able to share with Jess why she was hurting. He wanted to say something, but wasn't sure what to say.
"And yes, I did get together with him fairly soon after you and I said our goodbyes. Too soon. I practically threw myself at him, I drowned myself in him. I had Em out of desperation almost… it was the only way I could think of hurting less after what happened," Rory continued, unable to hold back her tears. "It didn't hurt less, it just hurt differently - with more guilt. And I still feel that guilty for doing that to Jess. For starting things up with him because I felt empty and fragile inside. I went to him because he wanted me, because he would have me as I was," Rory said, calming herself enough to talk without tears.
Logan wanted to say that he wanted her. He'd always wanted her. But it didn't seem like that moment.
"I was with him for all the wrong reasons. I don't think he even realizes that, and I am not sure I have the heart even to tell him because then he'll really resent me, he'll hate me. And I am not sure that is something I want to risk with Em being this little. But I think Jess still just thinks that what went wrong with us was something he could still fix, like be around more or pay more attention to me, and that'd do it - but it was never about those things. So by now I know there is nothing there. I don't think I really loved him, when it ended it never even hurt the way…," she added, not finishing her sentence, holding back because of the lump in her throat, not wanting to begin crying again.
"Hey..," Logan said, and rubbed her back again, pulling her to his chest again. "For what it's worth now… I loved you that way too…," Logan added, recalling how much it had hurt to let her go. Without thinking he kissed her temple right then, like he had time and time again, breathing the scent of her hair, leaving his lips on that spot to linger.
Rory's gut tingled, that little close-mouthed kiss on her hairline bringing back so many memories. It had been such a casual thing, but it was one of the things she'd missed the most.
They both knew that despite perhaps feeling that way still - loving each other - before they made these declarations again, they needed time - time together.
"So you see - you don't have to worry about Jess," she whispered into his neck.
It felt like a huge ball of jarn had been suddenly untangled. It was a little easier to beathe.
"Do you think we deserve a treat now?" Logan asked, feeling particularly good with her in his arms like this. He could think of a number of treats to have or do with her. But tonight, after all of this heaviness, he was happy with what he had.
Rory reached out for the remote, and put on the TV. Watching Thunder force while snuggled up on the couch with him was treat enough.
