AN: Today's chapter is dark and depressive. But it tries to explain Rory's mind and the reasons why she and Jess didn't work out, beyond what has been said before. More happier times to come, I promise.


Chapter 37

September 7th, 2017

"Just keep breathing, you're doing great," Jess urged, helping Rory from his car through the doors of the ER at St. Francis hospital.

Rory felt another contraction and she held up the automatic doors of the hospital for the duration of it, feeling unable to move. Other people who were passing by were looking at her like she was a world wonder. But she'd stopped paying attention to these things the minut her water had broken at Starbucks, having been out for her daily walk with Jess. She'd already been a spectacle as she'd waited at the corner of Farmington and LaSalle for Jess to come back with his car from a nearby parking lot, and leaned against the traffic light as the waves of cramping overcame her with her leggings soaked. She was past embarrassment at this point.

"Here you go, honey," an older female nurse, who at that point reminded Rory a little of Patricia Bethune, said as she aided her to a wheelchair. "You're doing great, it's going to be alright," she added. "How about we just get you checked in?" she continued, speaking in a soft and assuring tone, and handed Jess a clipboard to fill in.

They rolled Rory into the examination room, it thankfully being a slow night at the maternity ward.

"Excuse me, you're going to have to go back and move your car," a security guard stopped Jess before entering, as he'd only managed to fill in the first couple of essential rows on the clipboard.

"I'll be fine," Rory exhaled, urging him to go. She felt a little calmer now that they'd made it to the hospital. Besides, she was also a little relieved to have them admit her without him right there. She knew the questions they were going to ask.

"Okay," Jess said, kissing her hair with a gentle brush of his hand on her shoulder, before heading off to do what he was told.

"Now, Lorelai Leigh Gilmore, age 33," the older woman began, reading out her information. "My name is Clara, and we're going to check how far along you are, but first I need to take some information," she began, taking the clipboard Jess hadn't managed to fill out completely.

"Just short of 38 weeks. Slightly elevated blood pressures, taking Normodyne. My water broke like 30 minutes ago, it looked all clear," Rory listed, having memorized the things they were likely going to ask her before delivery. She was then seized by yet another contraction, which seemed to be increasing in their intensity rapidly. It actually hurt more sitting down than it had before. She tried to focus on her breathing.

The nurse seemed so calm about it, unlike her, as she continued to type something into her computer.

"Any other problems during the pregnancy?" Clara asked.

"High blood pressure these past few months, but the meds have worked," Rory said, feeling like she was repeating herself.

"And is this your first pregnancy?" the nurse continued.

"No, but first to reach this far," Rory said, bursting uncontrollably into tears just then. She hadn't spoken of it since it had happened and just briefly to her OB - essentially just a brief sentence to both Lorelai and Paris, refusing to mention a word about it to anyone after that. She hadn't even gotten far on the topic with her therapist, she just wouldn't talk about it in detail. But now as she was actually about to have the baby she had had instead - those emotions just felt so raw.

She was overcome by everything physical she was feeling - the pain and pressure, the heaviness - it was like someone had just pulled a latch, releasing all of it.

"It's okay, honey," the nurse soothed her. "It's okay to be scared, but trust me - you're in good hands," the nurse assured, assuming she was just scared of childbirth or parenthood like most first time mothers.

Rory continued to sob, not quite understanding why she was crying now. She'd barely cried since that unfortunate November night. She'd just blocked it out.

They examined her and admitted her with 5 cm dilation, assuring that everything was advancing normally.

But through the entire labor Rory had kept fretting that Jess might find out about it somehow now that they were in the hospital and the medical personnel knew. She didn't even know if it was a relevant piece of information they might mention again. But the worry for that and the guilt for being here now about to have a baby - these emotions shaded the expectant feelings everyone kept saying she should focus on. She was unable to explain to Jess why she wailed through her contractions like that, those brief minutes allowing her the best cover to let her emotions go.

None of what other people said helped…

"You're soon going to meet you baby," Lorelai had assured, once she arrived to hold her hand.

"You're doing so well," Jess had said, as he'd tried to help her during contractions by massaging her or offering her ice cubes.

"You're almost there," the nurse had said.

As the physical pain was getting stronger, so did her emotions. Once she was urged to find a comfortable position for the pushing to begin, she'd told everyone to leave the room, Jess included, and had the baby, still sobbing, just amongst nurses and doctors, despite his objections. It had not been the plan. She'd been to Lamaze classes with Jess. She'd shopped for baby gear with him and joined him for long walks to keep herself moving. They'd watched birthing videos and talked about the gross things that might happen. He'd massaged her aching feet.

But now she just couldn't stand the sight of him. She had gone through the motions, hoping to move on, but she'd just buried things deeper with each normal thing they did.

Rory had spoken gibberish through active labor, crying and begging for forgiveness and expressing her guilt in all possible ways she was able to. She hadn't wanted him around for that.

The nurses and doctors had kept telling her to save her strength, but she just couldn't stop. She'd even heard Lorelai speculate in the hallway that maybe it was because of the recently lost grandmother she was crying because of. The doctors mostly thought it was an uncontrollable physical rather than a mental reaction.

She'd sobbed when she'd first seen Em, getting to hold the wet warm lump the girl been straight after the last push. It was within those brief seconds when she realized that despite everything this adorable little creature was not to blame for any of it, and that she needed to make an effort for her sake. Things were almost looking up.

But as her ears began to buzz and soon the loss of sight followed, feeling awfully sleepy - the last moment before losing consciousness she still felt like whatever was happening - maybe that was for the better. Her daughter didn't deserve someone like her.


July 19th, 2019

It had been a scorching hot day in Hartford. Rory's AC had been acting up, and essentially she'd spent the day with every window open around her house, hoping it'd cause a pleasant breeze, while the result was the same as feeling a blow dryer blow hot air inside. Her skin glistened, dampening the lightest pieces of clothing she owned. Thankfully she had ice and ice packs.

The nearly-two-year-old Em loved eating ice cubes, which helped to cool her, hence they'd survived the day on the couch, Rory entertaining Em by reading her some books out loud and letting the kid play in the small blow-up kiddie pool she had in the backyard in the shade.

It had been just her and Em for five days now. Sure, Lorelai and Lane had been over, her place being like the designated rest stop whenever any of her family or friends visited Hartford. It was not like she had a lot going on now that she'd officially graduated. After all the summer was the only real time teachers had time off - for her it really was the first time in years she felt like she had some time to linger and think. Perhaps that wasn't such a good thing, not all of her ideas being the positive kind. But then again - time for herself, the kind that didn't involve family obligations, work, study or her therapist, was good, as until she'd realized that until now she'd been in survival mode.

She was doing what was best for Em, and for herself enough so she no longer had those really dark thoughts. But she was still alone in their relationship, she probably had more of a relationship with her therapist than with Jess.

First it had just been the everyday survival - eat, sleep, change nappy, feed, repeat.

Then she'd throw herself to her studies and work, hiding from Jess by deadlines and babyminding. They'd barely been out on a couple of dates in two years, even after Lorelai's persuasion that she couldn't ignore Jess if he was trying. She'd tried. She'd gone through the motions.

There was a big difference between physical and mental intimacy. The former was there - but as time went on it was way more about something convenient, more often even just hasty, almost punitive. She couldn't even look him in the eyes properly during sex.

Jess was away a lot for work, in part still working in Philadelphia. Rory also probably enjoyed doing the groceries a little too much when Jess was at home looking after Em, not hurrying back. They were like room-mates, when they were around each other, except for occasional desperate intimate encounters. But when it came to speaking about anything significant Rory was just at a loss for words - she couldn't even talk about what had fascinated her in class or why she'd stopped writing her book other than she didn't feel like it. Anything personal got tucked underneath the surface, as if unloading on one would cause an eruption of all of it - admitting that she'd done everything for the wrong reasons.

That night Rory had just gotten Em to sleep, having resorted to placing a quiet fan in her room, so the poor girl wouldn't end up with heat rash again, and she sneaked downstairs, hoping to grab a book herself in the peace and quiet. This was the way she loved her house the most - with just her and Em.

She didn't really get a chance to do that, as just as she sank down on the couch again, covered by a cotton sheet for it to feel cooler against the skin, when she saw Jess' old BMW pull up to the driveway.

It wasn't joy that she felt, reluctance rather. An involuntary sigh. She knew she shouldn't feel that about someone that had stuck around her for all these years. She knew she should love him for it. She should love him.

And it was in that short time between when Jess got his things from the car and made it to the front door that she'd made up her mind. She didn't want to feel this dread anymore, she wanted more… She wanted to breathe freely. Surely she'd given it enough time. It wasn't getting any better.

"Hey," Jess said and closed the door behind him quietly. His keys chinked on the sideboard as he put them down. He came with a scent of paper dust and ink, the Truncheon still working in the same space with the printer's.

"Hey," she replied, staying seated on the couch with her book that she hadn't even gotten into yet, deciding how she was going to do this.

"Too late to say good night, I guess," Jess stated, gesturing upstairs towards Em's bedroom.

"Yeah, it took a while..," she replied. She didn't want to keep him from Em, but it had been a lot of work and she felt exhausted just the same.

Jess made his way to the kitchen and poured himself a drink, continuing to build up a snack plate for himself out of scraps - some cheese, half a tortilla, a few grapes, Em's half-eaten poptart.

"Good week?" he asked as he returned and landed on the couch next to Rory, trying to make some small talk, his mouth half-full.

"Hot," Rory said, barely keeping up with these pleasantries.

Inside her brain she was screaming. It felt like someone had barged into her space, her mental space - and all she kept thinking was that it would be three more days until he'd be gone again. She knew it wasn't the way she was supposed to feel towards her better half.

Rory waited quietly as Jess had finished most of his meal.

"Jess..," she began, turning to him probably for the first time like this in months with something that didn't involve cleaning up the dishes or running some errand. It took a lot from her to do even that.

"What?" Jess asked, also recognizing this being something outside the usual.

He wasn't oblivious to things being less than perfect with them, but mostly he just put it up for Rory's mental state. She'd been depressed for a while, he could tell. And the only reason he'd let a lot of things slide was that Rory still saw her therapist, she was doing something.

He kept hoping that if he did his part - work, care for Em and show interest when he was there - at some point things would go back to normal.

Though, of course, the question was - what was 'normal' for them. They'd gone from a few dates to expectant parents, then full 24/7 parenthood with both of the parents working full time or more with the travel and her studies. He knew better than to tell her not to go back to school. It had been quick, but Jess had already felt like they'd waited too long - having secretly loved her for years, hence he had had no problem doing what she'd asked from him when they'd gotten together. He had almost felt that if they had kids straight away it'd be a done deal - that he'd have her.

"I think it's time that we get you a place of your own, I think we're through," Rory exhaled. She was willing to pay for all of it, if it came to it. She just needed to try something different - maybe she'd feel better then.

"I can't believe this," Jess said, shaking his head, his elbows resting on his elbows. "I'm trying to be home more, I've got just a few things to finish up before I can start work on the bookstore, I'd be around more. I know I've let you be here all by yourself, but all I've been trying to do is give you that space. I don't know what I am doing wrong, Rory," he explained, pleadingly.

"I'm just… I'm not in love with you," she said, almost adding that she wasn't even sure she'd ever been. It's not you, it's me. "I feel like I can't breathe when you're around… like something is just squeezing all of my life out of me. I don't want to live from week to week, dreading when you'll be back and looking forward to the time you're not. It's not how it is supposed to be, Jess," Rory explained, actually getting a little emotional. She did feel bad saying this. She was hurting him yet again.

She dreaded Jess telling her not to cry, he'd done that a few times before, when she'd cried while she'd blamed him for something or other - for example claiming that he didn't understand her - when all in all it had been more her fault than anything else. She'd been the one who'd stopped sharing things with him, responding to his efforts and also none of what she'd solved for herself at therapy had made it back to Jess. Jess was still in the dark about what she talked about there, and she didn't want to change that. She felt guilty enough for asking him to move, the rest felt even harder - how she'd used him, how she'd hidden things from him, how asking for what she needed would influence Em.

"Rory..," he began to plead again, but Rory wasn't really hearing him after that.

He slept on the couch that night, the first of many times.

He didn't stop trying after that though. He did try. He tried to work from home even, but that seemed to upset Rory even more. Eventually Jess felt like maybe giving Rory all the space she was asking from was the only way forward - maybe by giving her what she wanted, she'd see his good intentions. His efforts went into being the best dad and the best ex didn't go unnoticed. But Rory was happier alone. At least she didn't need to feel like someone was trying to read her thoughts, she didn't need to worry for someone reading one of her scribbles - some poetry, some journal entries - therapy homework essentially.

It was good that she was giving him a chance to more forward, wasn't it?