Chapter 41

November 6th, 2021

Rory never saw Jess after Friday night dinner, Em staying happily at Luke's and Lorelai's playing with Robin as if nothing was out of the ordinary, to be picked up a little later. She hadn't stuck around to wait, not wanting another potential fight.

In Rory's mind there was a mere 10% chance that Jess actually had had to go somewhere, though, leaving her 90% sure he was doing this just to avoid her. Or annoy her? Or simply be difficult? Maybe even scare her a little?

But if that was what Jess wanted - to not see her - that she could offer, at least that night.

Either way it wasn't a pleasant apprehension.

While she didn't want things to take this course - she had done what Logan had suggested, and made an appointment with a lawyer for a consultation for next week. She didn't want to start something that couldn't be put back in the bottle, nor did she want to make him overreact, but it had always been her and Em in her mind - it was something she needed to protect, while not ignoring that Jess probably felt something similar too.

Rory had spent the day catching up with work, how original - right?

But thankfully, Logan and Rory had plans tonight - a real date.

She'd texted a lot with Logan over the past few days, and even in the midst of all of this Jess business Rory had felt like she finally had someone to lean on on a personal level, not just finances or mothering, meaning the latter in the best sense of the word. The positive side of all this was that it was beginning to feel a lot more like old times - the good times.

The doorbell rang.

"In a minute," Rory called out, still in her tights and underwear, and slipped quickly into her Hugo Boss sleeveless tulle dress. The knee-length dress was black, with the dark grey, in part silverish, embroidering, parts of the dress appearing translucent - all in all - modest with a touch of sensuality. She made it down the stairs in her tights, her boots and earrings in one hand, getting her tights stuck on a small splinter.

"Crap," she muttered, glancing at the sole of her foot where she had a small run, as she made her way towards the door, being not half as ready as she'd wanted to be. And Logan was even not on time, but very respectfully late.

"Hi," Rory added, opening the door, trying to put on one of her more humble pearl stud earrings at the same time. She hadn't done much with her hair, just added some light waves.

"Evening," Logan replied, as Rory invited him in.

"Sorry, I am running a little late," Rory said, and attached her other earring.

"Well you look beautiful," Logan said, wrapped his hand around her waist and pulled her close for a quick peck. The kiss made Rory flutter inside, the feeling catching her off guard, but reality caught up with her soon enough. She wasn't even wearing her boots.

"I look like a mess," Rory managed, laughingly, as the kiss broke. "I just ripped my tights, I can't find my lipstick…," she said, beginning to blaber.

"You look beautiful," Logan assured in a calm tone, stopping her train of thought, and kissed her once again.

Rory smiled in response. There were a few occasions that came to mind when they'd never made it to their date in similar situations, Logan's kisses stopping her on her tracks while worrying about not being ready for something.

Logan, dressed up but not in the business look he'd dreaded, having opted for a semi-casual blazer and a black fine sweater underneath, sort of meeting the look half-way, waited patiently. He let her get ready at her own speed, Rory even getting the moment to fix the run in her tights with some nail polish, while Logan texted the restaurant he had reservations at in advance saying they'd be late. He hadn't planned just any place for them, not tonight.

"Where are we going anyways?" Rory inquired, as Logan led her towards his Volvo down the walkway.

"New Haven," Logan replied, actually surprising Rory a bit.

Logan used to be such a man of mystery - Rory had been blindfolded and taken to various places time and time again. Surprised by surprise parties, rooftop picnics and Michelin star restaurants, fancy vehicles - you name it. But now he was actually not hiding their destination. She hated to admit that for a moment she felt a little disappointed despite not having been a big fan of his surprises back in college. Or so she'd claimed. But it was just something she'd grown to expect from him. It wasn't something that she required.

"New Haven?" she asked, in disbelief.

"What - we can't go down memory lane a little?" Logan said, opening the car door for her.

Rory was curious no doubt, but also hoping that through some freak event they wouldn't run into Seth for example. She didn't need the embarrasement. But she didn't ask more about it, not wanting to take the fun out of it herself.

Even driving from Hartford to New Haven was a nostalgic journey for them, truth be told, having done the trip hundreds of time, especially when she'd lived at the poolhouse. But Rory could tell that it wasn't the same smug guy driving the car this time. She hadn't been in the car that he'd driven himself in over a decade, for one. But what stood out this time was that while he'd always been cocky, even after he'd realized Rory wasn't terribly impressed by crazy stunts or speeding. But the way he behaved in this car, it was more humble, respectful, simply making casual conversation, not even trying to flirt constantly while maintaining physical contact like he once would've, except for the occasional glance. Maybe the make of the car had something to do with that smugness after all?

Rory listened, feeling amazed by how Logan seemed to be making an actual effort to get to know her beyond the complicated this time, asking her about her studies in Hartford, Em's schooling, her friends and so on. What it had been like living in the part of she lived in? Whether Hartford University had been different from Yale? And what was it about this field of work that was the draw for her?

They'd always talked when she'd visited him in London, but it had always stayed above the surface - what they were doing now, what struggles they had at their jobs, what they read, heard or what they thought about the state of the world. It never went much deeper than things like that. It was about mutual pep-talk at times, but that was all that it was. Hence this felt very different. It was not just about the descriptions but also the understanding.

Rory already knew about his success getting his funding, and in that sense this was supposed to be among other things a celebration of that. They also spent the 40 minute drive talking about Logan's business, the interviews he'd done yesterday in the City and how he felt about everything. It was almost as if they wanted to get the work talk out of the way.

"Well this is certainly a familiar neighborhood," Rory said, as Logan had parked the car, small landmarks making Rory realize where they were despite the darkness.

"I know," Logan said, opening the car door for her. He didn't have to, he knew it - but this was what Rory was used to with him and he'd figured that if he wasn't going to be the same guy to fly her off to Martha's Vineyard, best five star restaurants and Le Pierre on a helicopter at a moment's notice, he could still do this. Be the best person he could be, be a gentleman, to treat her the way she deserved to be treated.

They'd parked just at the side of New Haven Green, a place they both knew very well from their college days. The Taft Building, Logan's first apartment building, was just 200 ft from where they'd parked. And while it had lost some of its glamour over the years, it was still something they'd both considered as home for some time. Their home - even if the time period hadn't been a very long one.

The floor level of the Taft Building no longer had the bakery that had been there in mid-2000s, instead a TD Bank office, and the park had been cleared from a lot of shrubbery compared to the way Rory remembered it. Somehow, when Rory had visited New Haven or Yale, more specifically, in the past few years, she'd never really come around this neighbourhood again, usually having a very concrete place to be at a specific timeframe and no time, and wish, to reminisce.

They walked a little, recalling both how they'd gone for walks or just out for food back then. Each corner spoke stories from those times - some funny, some romantic, leaving the rest in the past.

The destination wasn't anything fancy, just a small and humble Italian Trattoria just around the corner. It was a place that had once been Rory's favourite when she'd lived here, and it was safe to say they'd frequented here both in person and called the place for delivery and takeaway at least weekly. But it was romantic in its own way.

"I can't believe they still have the Vodka penne," Rory exclaimed, nostalgically perusing the menu.

"And the Tiramisu, I checked, " Logan replied, smiling. It had been the thing he'd bought her most often, probably, when he'd felt like she deserved a treat or was feeling bad for working too much.

Rory didn't even need to reply, her smile radiated the warmth she felt inside. It was utter comfort food in the comfort company.

Having by now eaten in way fancier places than this, including having probably had better pasta than this, coming here really hadn't been about the food - there were probably places almost equivalent to this in Hartford. But it had been about reminding them of the good times, neither wanting to disrupt their perfect date with fairly light discussion topics with what had been their mess. In a way, perhaps, it was like living on some credit, knowing that those discussions needed to be had at some point. Rather sooner than later, in fact.

"Listen, I'm going to confess to something," Logan said, as they emerged from the restaurant, Logan himself having just had one glass of wine, while Rory had had several. Rory already looked a little giddy, as she clung to his arm.

"Oh-oh," Rory said, playfully, almost expecting something not serious to follow. They walked in the general direction of their car. They still had a bit of a drive back, and Rory hadn't hidden her intention of inviting him back to her place, even if it was just to hang out.

"It's nothing, but I want us to stay on the right side of this by having no secrets…," Logan began.

"Oh-oh," Rory responded more seriously, this time beginning to dread something a little more ominous.

"Don't worry," Logan assured her, realizing that his sentence formulation may not have been very assuring. "Just Finn dragged me to this bathhouse the other day, and I just wanted to be upfront about the fact that I was scrubbed down to my epidermis by a female washer. You know how Finn is about these things, he has his mind set on something and there's no talking him out of it. Strictly masseuse level. It was just a job for her. And while I really didn't mind the procedure I just kept feeling guilty about it. I just tried to keep my mind on everything else… but I just didn't want to start us off by hiding something like this," Logan explained.

Rory stared at him and made a face. "You seriously think I might be jealous of a masseuse, essentially?!" Rory asked, sceptically.

Logan raised his shoulders at that statement, realizing that he might have indeed worried for no reason.

"I just didn't want to assume," Logan said, trying to explain. "We haven't talked about these lines, probably ever. I just didn't want to start us off with having to hide something that Finn would blurt out at a random moment in time," he said, just as they reached the car. He knew it was probably nothing, but he was taking this this seriously, not wanting to make a single mistake. Nor live with the feeling that there might be something unsaid that might upset her.

It was the truth alright. They'd had the discussion of becoming boyfriend and girlfriend back in college, but neither had felt too comfortable in actually spelling things out for the other. Everything had just been assumed. Sure, both had been aware that it had been the end of casual dating - sex, kissing, whatever of the sort.

But things like defining when they were actually broken up had been, somewhat understandably, left unsaid - who would want to talk about the potential breaking up? And that had become their first real obstacle. Rory had even struggled to tell Logan when he'd gone to London for the first time, what was okay and what was not - like Paris had advised, not that at that point she'd needed to. It had also become clear that Logan had a much more relaxed view of flirting or finding other people attractive, when Rory had had that crush on the economics TA. Looking back it had made Rory wonder how many similar occasions had Logan experienced for example when he'd been away in London while they'd been together, him simply believing it was no big deal as long as he didn't act on it. It had meant more to Rory than to Logan, certainly, but again they'd left it at that. They'd never spoken about marriage before Logan had popped the question either, not unless they'd been drunk and just kidding around, at least. And since Hamburg - neither had ever really asked or even attempted to define anything.

It all came down to not agreeing on the basics. Assuming too much. Keeping things, thoughts, worries to themselves.

"Logan..," Rory said, and paused, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Thank you," she said, for once believing that to be the right thing to say. "Thank you for telling me, thank you for not assuming - though I would rather you ask before rather than tell me after, if you're unsure," she turned this into a joke.

"Well obviously. I didn't think it was a big deal, but I just I couldn't turn off the guilt that maybe for you it might be," he added.

"You can get a massage, spa treatments, whatever - as long as it's a person doing their job who is not a hooker or a stripper, then I have no objections," Rory said, sounding rather amused by the conversation.

"I don't want anyone else, Rory," Logan assured, holding her tighter against him. He felt as if he just wanted to be immersed in her.

Rory had also picked up on the fact that he was calling her Rory a lot more, and Ace a little less, even though he sometimes still did.

Rory could feel his abs against her stomach, his belt buckle pressing on her abdomen. She knew that this position could easily lead to feeling other firm things as well, had they not been out on the street. She bit her lip, not even realizing she was doing it.

"Neither do I," Rory replied, and kissed him, letting the tension carry by taking the kiss real slow. There was definitely more tongue involved this time, but it was explorative rather than hasty, their shaky breaths visible in the cool air around them.

"I haven't had a serious relationship in such a long time. It's a little scary to be honest," Logan confessed, his forehead resting on hers. All he'd had for years was casual, a pretend marriage. The only person that had wanted more from him had been Odette, but that had been tainted a long time ago. But at least Odette had said it out loud.

"I'm sorry I never told you how I felt," Rory then managed to say, as if having read his mind.

"I could say the same thing," Logan replied.

"I'm sorry I hurt you," Rory said, still standing very close to him.

"I'm sorry I didn't object. I'm sorry just let things take their course… I just went along with it. It's not an excuse, I know that - but I was just so scared you wouldn't want me, want me for real," Logan explained.

Rory certainly got emotional at that, shedding a tear. She felt guilty for that too.

"I need you to know that I never said 'no' to you, I did not not want you… it was just the rest of it. It was in my head that I just couldn't do that, that I wasn't good enough…," she exhaled, shakily.

Logan wiped a tear off her cheek with his fingers.

"And you know what - I think in the end I actually begun to get that…," Logan said, speaking of the last couple of years. He'd gone through their entire relationship in his mind a thousand times, picked up on little sentences, gestures, feelings that he'd missed the first time. "I would've never imagined you in that life I lived, it wasn't the me I would've wanted you to be with. Naturally we could argue, that maybe I would've been happier, had my priorities set differently but I can't promise you it would've. You've always done what was right for you. That's what I am trying now - I'm not sure where it'll take me but I don't want to find out without you…," he added.

They stood like that for a while, silently grieving the wasted time. Neither loved the fact that this had needed to come out somewhere on the streets of New Haven, not somewhere more private. But it just felt like it had been the time, the perfectly imperfect time.

They eventually drove back to Hartford, not speaking much, this time, Rory's hand held firmly in his most of the way. All Rory could think about was that she didn't want him to feel alone, and had every attention on getting him to spend the night, even if it was just for sleeping. But the intimacy aspect of this evening was that she wanted him to spend the night in her house, in her bed - and bed that had been solely hers, and at times Em's, for over two years now.


AN: Also, I hate to beg, but I'd love more reviews.