Chapter 46
November 6th, 2021
Logan had played out the scenario of telling Rory about his issues that were subsequent to those they'd already shared - Vegas and the way they'd ended things - a number of times in his head. Somehow Rory seeing his back tattoos, asking something about them and him going into a lengthy explanation that was deeper than just the ink, was always how he'd imagined it would happen. It was heavy enough that he didn't want to just outright say it, he wanted her to ask, and him to answer her without hiding anything. It was probably going to be more than she would expect but the tattoos seemed to serve as a topic opener. He'd already missed one shot to do it when she'd asked about the wolf on his chest.
It was for that reason, that after basking in afterglow what must've been closer to an hour in each-other's arms, he knew that once he got out the bed, his back to her, that it was probably at that moment that it was going to happen.
He excused himself to go to the bathroom, not bothering with clothes. But to his surprise, Rory simply propped herself onto her elbow and watched, not saying a word, her blanket by now pulled over her chest on to keep warm in the fairly chilly room.
As he returned he was actually kind of disappointed. Wasn't she curious? Maybe she, in fact, wasn't a fan and that was the reason she didn't ask? But it was not like he'd had them done because of vanity, hence the latter wasn't something he required from her as such - he just hoped she didn't hate them. As removal was supposed to be a bitch as far as he knew.
Logan slipped back under the blanket, wanting to feel her body against his skin again. She radiated heat, her skin was still so incredibly soft - it almost felt like her body, while being in contact with his charged him somehow, not to mention the erotic aspect of two naked bodies touching.
"Can I tell you something?" Logan began, feeling like he just needed to say it, so it wouldn't feel like he was keeping something major from her later on. He was propped up on his elbow too, subconsciously reflecting her position. For a moment he touched her by her waist, wanting to regain some intimacy, but settled for a gentle stroke.
"Logan," Rory complained and frowned her eyebrows, not understanding why he was even asking.
"I need to tell you something about the past few years," he said, and sighed.
Rory's forehead now showed some of her wrinkles - she looked worried already.
"I am not telling you this for sympathy or as an excuse for anything… and I promise I won't go too much into Odette and I," he added, wanting to rule some of her potential worries out beforehand.
She caressed the side of his face, assuringly. Logan took that hand in his, instead, kissing it and just held on to it, feeling that it was the kind of support that he needed right then.
"I just need to tell you that the past few years have been a mess for me. I've had some issues," Logan began, exhaling deeply. "I've looked for solutions, but I just need to tell you that I'm not sure it is something I am fully healed from. I'm better, definitely. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't. I knew that I needed to fix whatever was wrong before I even considered contacting you again. I don't want to be a burden or anything like that," Logan explained.
"Logan, just tell me," Rory urged, feeling nervous at his hesitation.
"I guess in simple terms, I've struggled with depression, and some obsessive-compulsive habits. Some of it was, is, a form of self harm…," he said, and waited for her response.
"Depression I know," Rory replied, being no stranger to it herself, even if she'd never officially been diagnosed. "But self harm?" she asked in mild shock, and already at that thought she couldn't hold back her tears.
"Hey," Logan said, wiping her tears away, and kissed her forehead.
"It wasn't cutting or anything like that," he calmed her. Though he didn't want to mention that there had been even darker moments when the thought of ending things had crossed his mind. He at least thought he'd never really been serious about it. But it was more than what he wanted to put on her.
"I was just not making the best choices for myself. I was looking for possible things that made me feel like I had control over my life - even working until I couldn't see straight was a part of it, drinking - like I already said, but I also used to over-exercise, for example. Subconsciously I was also not taking any enjoyment in... anything really - food, travel, anything money could offer. I was a human wreck," he explained. He almost should've added sex to that list of things he'd stopped enjoying for a while - and not just concerning Odette.
"But you just ran here the other day," Rory commented, the over-exercising part having caught her attention.
"I can work out, it's just that I used to go overboard with it, until it was doing more harm than good… while some people set themselves goals they want to reach, say, during a week - I still set myself limits to how much I allow myself to do. It's not something I struggle much with anymore, but I like to keep a journal still. It's like a method of self-control, so it wouldn't get out of control," he explained.
"Okay," Rory sighed, taking everything in.
"Unfortunately, when my attention was first drawn to this I didn't do what I perhaps should've - as in go see someone for help, but instead I tried to look for alternatives - I tried to look for things to keep me busy, but then I realized that what I really was after...," he continued, sighed, and added, "was the pain."
He wasn't proud to admit that, and it showed. He waited for her response.
"I guess I've heard of people who cause self-harm for the pain, something about how it takes the edge off," Rory said, but the way her mouth crumpled made it clear it was not a topic that was easy for her to speak of or think about.
"Kind of," Logan replied, stroking her hair in passing, as if that would somehow ease the topic.
"So one of the things I found for myself as a substitute, I guess, were these tattoos. The pain took the edge off, but it wasn't really damaging me. Like controlled pain…," Logan explained. "So while the meaning of them is generally a positive one, I didn't really do them to look trendy or because they were something I'd been meaning to get for a long time. So in a way, an act of rebellion, yes, but not entirely," he added.
Rory didn't respond, just observed him.
"Some I just had made onto my thoracoscopy scars," Logan continued to explain, lifting his arm to show the couple of smaller tattoos he had on his side - there was an all-black shape of a flying eagle, one in the shape of a sailors knot and the third one was the symbol of an Ace. They both knew the potential meaning of the latter, but considering his reasonings for getting it were not entirely admirable - he wasn't going to make a big deal of it. He had never considered getting her tattooed on him as one might consider tattooing the name of a lover, that just would've been creepy, but in connection to his scars she held value even beyond anything romantic. She'd been the one to be by his side, after he'd nearly died.
The one thing he had been able to do with these tattoos was to control that whatever he got on his skin were at least things that meant something to him. Even if it was a distant memory of better times. The sailor's knot reminding him of his around the world trip, the eagle symbolizin a mountain lodge he'd visited with his friends once. He had more ink on his back, but those he didn't bother drawing her attention to at that particular moment. On his back, all in all, the inked surface covered roughly half of his back. He had two koi fish, the only pets he'd ever had in the back garden pond growing up, almost forming a ying-yang shape in their position. There were a few with hints to pop culture - Kaonashi from a Japanese animation called 'Spirited Away' that he loved and a reference to The Twilight Zone in the form of an open door with swirling black and white infinity inside it. There was some more of that trash polka style on his back too that connected to the others - mostly abstracts with some steampunk details, gears of a clock and various patterns. He'd found a pretty good artist and been a good steady source of income for the guy, but the artist had been more than just that for him - he'd been good to talk to, while he felt alone. So in the end getting tattoos had been a not-too-destructive escape for him.
And it hadn't hurt that Odette hadn't been a fan of the ink.
"I'm sorry you felt like that," Rory exhaled, eventually getting some words out.
"It's okay. I did eventually get myself on meds, I'm still on them. I check in with a therapist ever now and again. I have to remind myself of certain things that I've just lived without for a while," Logan replied.
"Like what?" Rory asked.
"Like, for example, that food can be more than just nutrition," Logan said. "But trust me with you around that is already coming a lot more naturally," he added, laughing at the fact lightly, not liking the serious look on her face. "I also went on my trip this summer mostly to see that I could do it - that I could enjoy things I hadn't enjoyed in a while. And even these pilgrimages, hikes, I went on - I very specifically made sure they weren't just about pushing myself. That they also had some type of a cleansing purpose. I didn't rush them, I rested, I took time to do them, spent time where I found interesting people or places. I enjoyed it. I just needed to prove to myself that I could do those things without hurting myself," he added.
Rory's eyes were still a little wet from hearing all that.
"Anything I can do to help?" Rory asked, kissing his hand now in return.
"Just be you," Logan assured. "And I don't want you to worry. I am better. This, what I am doing - I have control over my life now… and most importantly I don't want you to think that my mental wellbeing is something that is dependent on you. Whatever happens - you are not responsible for my happiness, I need you to know that," Logan added, looking straight in her eyes. He couldn't put that kind of pressure on her.
They both knew it wasn't that easy, but they both felt better for one having said it and the other having heard it. Having done a bit of therapy herself - Rory knew all about blaming others. For a while there she'd blamed Jess for a number of things too, while it couldn't have been furthest from the truth. So she got it - put on one's own oxygen mask first, before you help others.
"Well, just know that I'm here to listen, if you need to talk about any of it," Rory assured, and snuggled closer, wanting to hold him and wrapped her arms around his torso. She knew there was no point in saying it - but she did wish she'd know about this sooner, she wished she'd known about it when it was happening, thinking that perhaps she could've done something.
