Chapter 48
November 7th, 2021
As the day went on, Rory found herself pondering about something she'd never really thought about before. Logan had always been a smart, strong, masculine, charming and a determined man, hardly showing a weakness other than his lack of communication sometimes. Of course there was the lack of parental love, which Rory had always been very aware of having her own experiences as a comparison. But he himself didn't seem to dwell on it much. But really - it wasn't much of a wonder he hadn't always been the best communicator. But by now Rory knew that also that had been so for a reason - a man like that had grown up with no good examples of that. Having one loving sister didn't make up for everything that had been missing from his life until she met him and showed him another way. At least that was the way Logan had once described his feeling to her.
Rory began to think back, years and years - and wondered, whether Logan had in fact shown signs of the mental weaknesses that he'd admitted to having (had) last night. She was definitely not judging - she knew better not to. She'd been a mess just the same while torturing herself mentally rather than physically. But what was different now was that the image that she'd had of Logan had suddenly transformed into someone far less perfect - more human. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing, just different.
In her mind she'd always been the mess of a women who panic-dialled him when she needed to talk or just to lean on him, while usually speaking about nothing in particular, while he somehow had always been there to return that call, if not pick up straight away, no matter what he himself had going on. It had been rare that he called her needing her support, for example. He seemed to have everything so under control. She felt that maybe she'd taken advantage of him too - maybe not asked enough how he was really doing? How he was dealing with having everything under control? How okay had he been back then? Because as she knew from experience, these things didn't just start out of nowhere but often crept up little by little.
It was after she'd read everything she could find on the internet with the few keywords Logan had given her, that some traits and tendencies were actually reaching back quite a while in time. He'd always pushed himself - in sport, in how hard he worked, in how much sleep he needed, in how heavily he could party, not to mention all the extreme sports and reckless behavior. He had a risk-behavior streak - many of his activities just asking for trouble, Costa Rica being just the prime example of his escaping mechanism from difficult situations. She'd never even asked how he'd coped after her graduation in detail avoiding the gentle topic, but she could imagine it hadn't been pretty. Perhap her carefree attitude towards their Vegas agreement had in fact made a lot of things worse.
And from there on, things apparently had only grown more serious. He'd been stuck doing what he didn't really want to be doing on so many levels, being a man of power with no real power over what he wanted. Having a career and money, contacts and company - it wasn't enough. And even one of the strongest men she'd ever known had crumpled at the pressure.
It was in fear of that pressure that Rory also hesitated a great deal about how should she bring Logan into her, and more importantly Em's, life. She couldn't put him under that kind of pressure, after having such serious issues, by suggesting he needed to step up his game and suddenly become a father figure. Not that she planned on doing that soon, but she had, in fact, thought about it already. That was just too much to ask. Even asking him to be a perfect boyfriend seemed like too much after all the crap he'd been through. She needed to caution herself to keep things as slow and steady as she'd first planned. Maybe slower. But thankfully, they had a therapist with whom to discuss these worries soon enough. She just hoped it was a good match, knowing how not all people klicked in a therapy setting. The trouble just was that Rory didn't want Logan to know how differently it made her view him, recalling him mention especially how he didn't want special treatment.
As she passed the Stars Hollow sign, the drive over having been a peaceful and therefore also a thoughtful one, she was almost expecting to get a call or text from Jess saying that he couldn't see her in person - that Em was at someone else's to be picked up because of some excuse. But there was none.
She parked her car a few spaces away from Apparatus Bay on a vacant spot and made her way to the side of the building, pushing the pedestrian gate open. Piles of orange leaves had fallen into the back yard from the neighbor's maple tree, and the wind was swirling them around, the narrow passage between buildings having created a tunnel-like space.
She knocked on the kitchen door window and waited as usual.
Before she knew it, Jess walked up to answer it.
"Hey," Jess replied, took his coat from the hook by the door and stepped outside, closing the door behind him before she even had a moment to respond.
"Hey?" Rory asked in confusion.
"Em's playing with Doula upstairs. You and I are going to have a word!" Jess said firmly, and pulled his well-aged jacket on, suggested they move out of the yard.
Rory's face showed a lot of different kinds of panic at that point - was he seriously keeping Em from her? A serious conversation was not what she'd prepared for either, if that was all that it was. Her appointment with the lawyer was only next week.
Jess led her to the front of the building and across the road where the playground was, not taking a 'no' for an answer.
As they'd just switched to daylight savings time it was already much darker outside than it had been last week at the same time, and for that reason the playground was deserted, empty picnic tables seeming to be his destination of choice.
Rory followed him, feeling fear form in her gut, and pulled her hands into her sweater, as a sign of insecurity, having just worn a down vest on top. Even the weather felt colder in anticipation of whatever was to come.
"Sit," he suggested, the suggestion almost sounding like an order.
Rory didn't like his tone, but she complied, her heart racing in her chest. Whatever this was, it was a harsh contrast to all the warm and fuzzy emotions she'd had this morning.
He took a seat opposite her, and took a deep breath. He didn't look mad, if anything he was composed and calm, but resolute at the same time.
"I am here to tell you…" he began, searching for words for a second. He was always much better on paper, but Rory could tell that he wanted to be very deliberate about what he said. It was very unlike him and it was making Rory very nervous.
"The most important thing for me is Em. She isn't at fault if you and I have our problems, if I work too much sometimes, if her mother is a whackjob…," Jess spoke, adding an apologetic, " - sometimes," at his choice of words. Dark humour had once been their thing, so it wasn't meant as an outright offence and Rory knew that. But Rory couldn't even really argue with that - she hadn't always been the most logical or the most rational in what she said or did when it came to her decisions, especially those concerning Jess.
"I agree," Rory said, wanting to ease the tension.
"Let me finish," Jess demanded. "You see, I am well aware that I am the victim here," he said, gesturing with his thumbs to himself. "You've always treated me like some side-kick in this, a means to an end. You act like Em is yours and I am just some guy who you are letting to have time with her when it is convenient to you," he continued. "And I know, I haven't objected all these years, and I've had various reasons for that. But this convenience thing that you proposed last week - that I should just take her when it suits you so you can go off and do things with your boyfriend…," he continued, pronouncing the 'boyfriend' in a rather condescending tone. "That just won't do," he added.
Rory was too shocked to respond, already fearing the worst.
"Em's best interest is the priority here, and it doesn't matter if you're the one paying for her tuition, I know you're the one with the big money here, but I am still her father. And the fact that you took advantage of my feelings for you for all this time, years… doesn't change that one bit," Jess continued.
"Jess…," she wanted to bud in and plead, not liking the sound of where this was going.
"And I know, it's my own fault too. I let you do all of it, hoping that one day things might be different," Jess carried on, not letting her speak. "When we first got together…," he began and sighed. "I knew that you weren't ready, I just knew it," he admitted.
"First I thought - sure, you just got out of a long relationship with that Paul guy or whatever, but as he never seemed to be around before I thought that was just that…," he continued. "I took what I could, and I have a beautiful daughter thanks to it. So, no, I don't regret it. But I regret letting you be the one with the reins," he added.
Rory couldn't say anything, knowing how very right he was. She'd had a say when they did things - when they had a child, when they moved in together and where, when they broke up and so forth.
They both knew there was a lot more to them than just their earlier relationship. Their friendly interactions from when they broke up until today - they'd still been friends and each-other's support systems for anything from business advice to home repairs. It really was no wonder that they'd had their fall back a few months ago. But it had clearly meant very different things to them.
"But I overhear things. Luke... isn't really good with keeping things," he said, rolling his eyes a little. "So I'm not going to pretend that I don't know Logan was in your life before we got together, much more recently than college," he said, surprising Rory. "So here I am thinking about us, Em… the lot.. And it suddenly clicked in my head that I keep losing you to that same guy, and that whether it's been deliberate or not, you've used me time and time again. I don't deserve that, Rory," Jess said firmly and paused.
"You really don't. I'm sorry," Rory replied, hesitantly, the throat swelling as if being moments away from crying.
"So this is how it's going to go," Jess continued to explain. "We're going to go through Em's schedule, and we're going to try to make this division more even. Step by step… I wouldn't want to make any too rapid changes in her life," he said, studying her trembling lips. "If we have to, we'll go see a mediator, if needed we'll talk to lawyers and make it official," he added.
Somehow the tears didn't come for Rory, and at that tiny thing she felt relieved, feeling fragile enough without making a fool of herself.
Rory knew already without having talked to the lawyer that her own mental health issues were not something speaking in her favor if it ever went to court, hence the latter option scared her the most. Jess' only fault in all these things had been working in Philadelphia for extended periods of the time, otherwise he'd been an exemplary father. He hadn't brought girlfriends home when Em had been around, he'd made time for her when he could and gone all out. He'd allowed Rory to make a lot of decisions on her own. He didn't drink, he probably drank less than Rory did. He worked less when Em was around. So if anything, his behavior had been a lot more stable.
"I want more part in making decisions, I need you to run everything of significance by me from now on," Jess continued, continuing to bring a few examples of trips abroad and medical decisions. They'd never had issues with these things, but Rory had had a lot of liberties as they'd more or less agreed on these things from early on and just assumed those principles still applied. He also expressed his concern for situations when she might just want to move her across the country somewhere, speaking from Luke's experience. But he wasn't even making impossible demands here, simply insisting that Em's best interest would be made a priority.
Rory just sat there, and listened, feeling like she was 16, getting a scolding from the school principal. The matter was made worse by the fact that she did feel guilty. She also felt like she was being punished - while not even unfairly - but she still felt punished for taking a step towards her own happiness. Her words and actions were actually having consequences.
"I think I am being more than fair here, understanding even," Jess added, reading from her face that she had almost shut down, not arguing or fighting him on any of it. "And just like I am going to keep my mouth shut about you dating that guy and not speak of him around Em, you are going to offer me the same courtesy whenever I choose to bring someone into my life," Jess demanded, speaking of a very scary scenario to Rory. "Just whatever you do, you remember that I am her father. And I just hope you have enough decency to not start playing house with him before Em has had sufficient time to adjust. I'd prefer if you don't let her get too attached to him before you two are sure that you can make it something stable, something that's a healthy environment for Em," he added, reluctantly but at the same time showing his softer side. He really did care most of all about Em.
"So what is it that you want, Jess?" Rory managed, needing to get some direction from him, a recap of the immediate. Her mouth was grimmaching, barely managing to hold back her tears from being spoken to that way. It was a shock to her system. And while she'd already heard a lot of potential scenarios, in reality she was still scared to how things were going to be from now on.
"For now - nothing," Jess said. "I want her school routine to stay like it is, I think you agree that it makes sense. But I want her over the holidays, in most part at least. And yes, we can sit down at the same table at Thanksgiving and Christmas day at Luke's and Lorelai's like we always have, and you can watch her open presents - I am not a monster," Jess assured. "But the rest of that time she's with me. We'll go from there, we'll make a schedule. I am not inflexible when there are emergencies or something happens, but we aim for 50-50," Jess added determinedly. "We agree on everything else in writing, texts, e-mails…whatever. What extracurriculars she'll take, what shots she gets, out of state travel plans, I'm happy to pay half of all of her fees," he continued.
But what Rory read from this already was that he had either seen a lawyer, insisting on things in writing, or at the very least talked to Luke or someone else who'd once been through this.
Rory wanted to say something, object perhaps that it seemed unnecessary, that maybe they could just stick to the way things had been with consulting him a little more. As holidays were definitely a gentle topic for her, but realistically she knew that Em wouldn't be excluded from any Gilmore holiday magic by not being with her. All of it was probably more of a blow to Rory herself than Em. But Rory just couldn't find the strength from within her to fight him, feeling too stunned and guilty. His demands were fair, even if they didn't feel fair.
"I am not doing this to hurt you, but I am doing this for myself. To protect my interest and Em's, as I am not so sure that I can trust you on that without making these adjustments," Jess added.
Rory felt like a carpet had been pulled out from under her, as she followed Jess back across the street. She felt like she was a walking ghost, a shell.
"You okay to drive?" Jess asked, before they made it to the back of the house where the entrance was. Clearly he could tell that this had all been a shock for her.
"Hm-hm," Rory replied, still picking up her pieces.
The few moments she waited for Em to gather up her stuff were enough to put on a good face at least, but the way she hugged her daughter in greeting that time was probably a lot more meaningful and longer than she'd planned it to be.
