Chapter 49

November 11th, 2021

Logan had never been much of a fan of therapy. In fact, he'd gone as little as possible, opting for more homework over session time whenever he'd gone regularly. His mind just worked differently and it wasn't the lengty pep-talks that he needed. He needed keywords, taglines and someone to teach him how to trick himself to doing things differently. His brain was usually a few steps ahead of whatever the therapist would say, having read a lot himself from the moment the words 'obsessive' and 'compulsive', and of course the even eerier anorexia athletica had been mentioned. It had sounded like something teenage girls with body images had, not him - a then 38-year old successful CEO.

But this time, now aged 39, still a CEO though that of a tiny startup instead of the multi-billion-dollar international company he'd run, the prospect of going to therapy didn't seem half that bad as he sat at the parking lot of Chilton Prep waiting for Rory. He didn't even mind the wait, having gotten there a little early, positively anxious to see her. Tresor's album 'Nostalgia' kept him company, while the otherwise dull, rainy weather poured down around him.

The beginning of the week had been busy for both of them - Rory spending many nights reading essays and book reports, and he knew she'd also had that consultation with the custody lawyer Colin had recommended a few days ago. Sure, there'd been a couple of casual texts, a few jokes, frequent 'good mornings' and 'good nights' both ways, but nothing really deep.

He also knew nothing of Rory's most recent conversation with Jess, Rory having kept that to herself.

He could swear there was a glimpse of sunshine that shone through clouds just for a minute when he saw Rory make her way through the rain, her leather binder on top of her head, protecting herself ever so little from getting wet.

"Hey," Rory said, landing on the passenger seat of his Volvo, small droplets of water scattering off of her.

"Hey," he replied, extended his neck towards to her seat to kiss her. The kiss was a much-needed one, stretching out into one that was longer than first intended.

That modest little smile of hers, that appeared on her lips as the kiss broke, with her eyes almost looking a little sad, was one of the cutest things he'd seen all day.

Rory had her hair pulled into a low bun at the nape of her neck, and maybe it was just the fact that it was the end of a long day already, or the poor lighting, but in this moment he really saw the effects time had had on her. The little wrinkles and freckles on her skin, a few gray hairs. It didn't mean she looked less beautiful to him, not at all. It gave her character, made her more real, and also made her seem more equal to him for a change, having put her on a pedestal of beauty for years while his own image that stared back at him in the mirror had grown older at normal speed. But more than anything it was just another reminder of the time wasted.

"What? Have I got chalk on my face or something?" Rory asked, seeing him observe her a moment longer than would've been casual.

"I just missed the sight of you," Logan replied, smiling appreciatively, knowing that at best he'd get a roll of eyes if he'd gone for a compliment.

"I missed you too," she admitted and smiled again.

The road they took was a scenic one - fall foliage, colonial houses and farms which actually gave their little outing an almost holiday-like feel as the rain clouds scattered and exposed the blue sky that was quite rare for this time of year.

But Rory's quietness, except for a few casual remarks on something or other that they passed, was making Logan curious.

"You're quiet today," Logan noted, having already been driving most of the way. "Second thoughts?" he asked, desperately hoping that was not the case.

"I've just been talking all day, trying to save my voice," Rory began, but Logan could tell there was more.

Thankfully, Logan didn't need to keep guessing, or worse - hesitating that Rory was keeping something from him much longer.

"Jess wants 50-50, more decisive power - the lot," Rory exhaled, sounding like something heavy had just poured out of her.

Without a comment Logan pulled the car aside, rather abruptly actually as there just happened to be a convenient spot right there.

"Logan?" Rory exclaimed in confusion, having dropped her phone that she'd had in her hand from earlier texting with Lorelai who was in charge of picking up Em that evening.

"Are you okay?" Logan asked, giving her his full attention.

"I guess…," Rory began, almost sounding like Logan was making a too big of a deal of it. "I don't know…," she shrugged, clearly feeling a little fragile towards that first statement.

Logan could tell she was trying her hardest to hold a strong front. And he actually could guess that that silence had been about the very same thing.

Logan reached out his arm and pulled her towards him, hugging her, seatbelts be damned. It was what it took for her to let everything else out the next moment. "We're going to be late," Rory whimpered, finding it hard to breathe through her sobs that had overtaken her. She'd kept her reaction in for days, having not wanted to broke down with Em in the house.

"She'll live," Logan hushed, kissing her hairline, referring to their therapist. He let her cry, letting out her fears and worries, what the lawyer she'd had a consult with had said and the way she felt bad even about treating this as some big tragedy.

They both knew 50-50 wasn't the problem, it was the feeling that she was losing Em, while in reality she was just losing some part of her time with her, that caused what she was feeling. It felt worse than it was, but it certainly didn't help that the reason she was losing that time with her daughter was herself, her mistakes and poor communication, also how she'd treated Jess - and perhaps in part the choice she was making by being in this car to begin with. At this point she was very much at a point like she already felt defeated, that she had no strenght to fight his reasonable demands even.

After what was perhaps 10-15 minutes they were on their way again, some deep breathing having gotten Rory through this burst of emotion. She'd kept saying to him, how it was no big deal, that it shouldn't be a big deal. But also how she felt like she was being punished for being happy.

In part that certainly warmed Logan's heart, but at the same time made him feel guilty as well, knowing his presence was partially to blame too. And naturally, he didn't want her to feel like that and tried to assure her it was not the case.

After initial introductions and apologies for being late, the two were seated down in a contemporary structure, made from wood and glass, the home office of Dr. Birdie Riggs. The windows overlooked the forest of Hodge Park near Mine Hill preserve, less than five miles from New Milford. The place was surprisingly simple for the exclusivity this place aimed for, but it's light, airy interior - light wood and whites - did create a different mood coming into the room. As if bringing in just the two people, three including the therapist, without anything excess.

"Normally I would start this off by you two telling me a bit about your history, but as I can tell, if you don't mind me saying so, but I see, you, Rory, have been crying. Would you mind sharing with me what that was about, so we actually start with the something that's probably the most recent and work our way to the rest," Dr. Riggs began.

Rory wiped the lower lids of her eyes, feeling a little ashamed by the fact that she'd been able to tell she'd been crying.

"It's not really directly to do with us," Rory said, clearly not feeling ready to share everything.

"Indirectly perhaps..," Logan hesitated, feeling like perhaps it couldn't hurt to talk about it. He didn't want to make her uncomfortable, but he could just already sense how potentially it could become an issue that affected them too. He knew that if there was ever going to be a moment when she'd have to make a choice between him and Em, he'd be the loser, and he wouldn't even blame her.

"Rory?" the therapist inquired, urging her to speak.

Rory shot a look at Logan, and frankly Logan wasn't really sure what that look spoke of. Was she mad that he'd supported the thought that she should talk about this?

Rory sighed deeply. "I really didn't come here to talk about this, I just expected something else...," Rory said apologetically. "But fine… I just don't want to waste all of our time on it," she added, sounding a little defencive.

"If you're worried about being late, it just happens that I have an opening after this and you're free to keep talking if you want," she replied.

"Well..," Rory began and explained roughly her situation.

From there on the discussion quickly went deeper, the two of them needing to explain the complicated nature of their past relationships, the way Jess was intertwined into those and how saying out loud that she was putting in the time and effort to work on them had led her to this custody discussion, even if it didn't yet involve any lawyers. That alone took the better part of an hour.

"Rory, Logan," the therapist began grabbing their attention after the topic had subsided for the time being. "From what I've heard you two have no doubt a complicated history, but you do have some things that are working in your favor too - you shouldn't forget those. For one, unlike most of my patients you're here proactively," she said. "Secondly, as for what I've heard now, you are already making progress in your communication. And while this isn't a guarantee as such as there are no guarantees in relationships - the fact that 15 years later you're still sitting in the same room willing to make an effort for each other's sake is pretty rare and you should consider yourself lucky to know such a person who is willing to do that for you," she continued.

Rory and Logan glanced at each other, as they sat there side by side, and Rory squeezed his hand assuringly.

"I am not saying that rare and special relationships come easily, there are things you can do to solidify what you have, and it will no doubt be a challenge to do all those things while struggling with everyday issues such as co-parenting or family issues, but that's life," the therapist explained. "What I suggest you do is keep being honest with each other, speak out even if you feel like its something your initial reaction would be to hide. If you're worried you might hurt the other, word it in a way, even on paper if you have to, in a way that lets the other know what kind of thoughts you've been having. As you've both had some prior experiences with therapy - I am sure you know that the mind can cause you to not always think rationally. So just remind yourselves that the fact that you think it, doesn't necessarily mean that it is how things are, how you really feel or things should be. It's a thought, and only time can give it its real meaning," Dr. Riggs added, continuing to advise that if they wanted they could bring out the more difficult topics in her presence if they wanted.

The two nodded, recognizing it to be a valid piece of advice.

"And now for homework..," she begun and gave them a few things to try at home.

The hour and a half hadn't been a walk in the park, many heavier topics having been mentioned, even if not all of them. There was a long way to go. Rory understood a little better that Logan too was feeling some liability about causing changes in Rory's life, and felt a little like an intruder. But at the same time Logan had learned that Rory mostly just blamed herself. Guilt seemed to be her issue.

As they got back to Chilton's parking lot, having not done a lot of talking but chosen to listen some of each-other's favourite songs from the past years instead, feeling emotionally too tired to talk about anything heavy, Logan came out of the car to say a proper goodbye to Rory before she got back in her own car to drive home.

"Glad we went?" Logan asked, standing close to her, tucking his hands in his pockets.

"Not my idea of fun, but yeah," Rory sighed. She did look a little lighter.

"You can talk to me, you know? Whenever you need - just call or text, I can drop by in the evening and we can talk on the porch - whatever you need," Logan said, speaking mostly about their most recent challenge. But it went beyond that.

"I know...," Rory replied, humbly, wrapped her arms around his neck, wanting to just hold him.

He held her, his arms going under her winter coat that hung open, feeling the closeness of her warm body.

"I mean it," he assured once more, not wanting her to hold things in like she'd this time, having led to her bursting open like that. He couldn't just keep probing her with the right questions, hoping it'd hit the right button for her to open up - he needed her to want to open up herself too.

With a kiss they parted as it was already late and Rory needed to go home.

After everything he'd heard, Logan really didn't hope much for his tentative idea for going to Honor's place for Conrad's birthday that weekend. But he got it, she needed to put her kid first. Hence he wasn't going to push it, he wasn't even going to ask her about it again in relation to this weekend. There would be other weekends, there would be time for them once she felt more confident with what was the most prescious person to her.