Chapter 51

December 25th, 2020

"It's so good to see you," Logan exhaled to his sister's ear as he hugged her far more desperately than the earlier casual le bise at the entrance had been a few minutes ago.

He and Odette had flown over for Christmas dinner, aiming to stay for a couple of days - something he'd had to persuade Odette to do. He couldn't really blame her - Christmas travel was a nuisance, and the holidays really were just one dinner party after another. On top of everything Odette was still pretty mad at him.

Tattoos were not Odette's cup of tea, and realizing that Logan had been getting them over several months on a steady pace and kept them hidden from her for a good stretch of that time, hadn't gone down so well. A lot of cursing, shows of contempt over what he'd done and general complaining on how it was influencing her own image had commenced and had remained as the constant background noise in Logan's life since then. But Logan hadn't really expected any different. He'd almost accepted that background noise. It was the price for having control over what happened to his body. It was a small victory for him, having found something that was a small step for the better from the previous. A small sterile needle doing deliberate damage to his skin instead of blacking out from something to do with his cardio-vascular system seemed like a good exchange.

It was just that his latest wolf tattoo, that she'd found out about two days ago, on his chest hadn't set Odette in particularily good mood, after she'd specifically odered him to stop getting them.

"Oh my - what have you done to yourself? You're so thin! I'm going to have to call Marjorie and have a word about your lunches with her," Honor fussed, sounding more like the mother neither of them had ever had than a sister. She wasn't even talking about his body art at that point.

They spoke in the kitchen, Honor having the whole kitchen full of maids, chopping, dicing, stewing and baking all the possible homey goodness she'd managed to think up to have at Christmas dinner. The feeling Honor's home had compared in no way to the cold marble facade of the house they'd grown up in. That was something she'd picked up from Josh's family and Martha Stewart.

For once the prospect of Christmas food actually sounded like an excellent idea to Logan, it felt like here, with Honor and her family around, it was more about just the chewing and the swallowing.

Logan was thin, but athlete thin - definitely not skinny. But mostly that was from what the excessive exercising had caused months ago. He hadn't even realized - having not really needed to use a scale for a long time. But once he had, he'd been indeed faced with the reality of the number being scarily on the low side. He was seeing a therapist now, and he seemed to have a handle on his workouts. Keeping a diary helped, marking down how much he did, not to exceed limits that he'd gone over with his therapist. He was eating more consciously too, desperately trying to re-learn how to enjoy food. The trouble was that it wasn't the luxury dishes that people usually craved that he missed. There was only so many times caviar, foie gra, lobster or Kobe beef taste deeply enjoyable, especially when it came with negative connotations. So he'd begun experimenting with new, less known, and more humble cuisines - Burmese, Ethiopian, Laotian, Georgian - whatever he could get his hands on. New flavors at least offered him some excitement. But even knowingly putting effort into enjoying things more, things that involved him and him alone, wasn't enough to cure him.

Logan's mind still kept thinking up things to have tattooed on his body to that the edge off, keeping a standing appointment every two weeks at a prestigious parlor in Soho. The feeling of the needle pistoning in and out of his skin was such a delicious kind of pain. The negative part was that he knew it was just something temporary, realizing that there was an exent to which he was willing to cover his skin with it, not wanting this to define what he looked to everyone who saw him with clothes on.

"I'm okay," Logan exhaled. He'd told Honor he was dealing with some stuff and seeking help. He hadn't gone too deeply into it over video chat though, but he knew that Honor was probably going to push a great deal to get the truth out of him now that he was here.

He wasn't lying in his response. He was feeling more 'okay', though still a little fragile. He felt like an addict - looking for his next hit, but now there were these small things that he did to keep himself in check. One of them was a breathing exercise he'd learned where he would watch his heart rate change on his watch as he did that. It reminded him that he did have control over how fast his heart beat by deciding to regain the feeling of calm. He would often do that when he was feeling like things were getting too much, and simply locked himself into a bathroom or his office for that.

"There you are!" Odette exclaimed as she appeared to the kitchen doorway, having been to their room to unpack, and continued to grab a bottle of water from the fridge. Hydration and supplements were her thing now since she'd decided a baby was in the cards for them.

Logan involuntarily winched at the sound of her ever so slightly and it didn't go unnoticed by Honor. It was something about the pitch of her voice, or the way her jewelry, her Sia Taylor charm bracelet more specifically, clinked when she walked.

Logan corrected himself, nodding in her direction briefly, acknowledging her presence.

"Talk some sense into your brother, will you?" Odette said to Honor as if he wasn't in the room. "That tattoo thing of his is some weird mid-life-crisis shit," she added, casually, stretching out the last word in a low tone.

Odette wasn't clueless to the fact that Logan was dealing with some stuff either. It was just that her solution to his problem seemed to be a straightforward one. If one was having a midlife crisis, needing a new purpose in life - she had her suggestions ready and waiting.

"Yeah, we'll see," Honor responded with a shrug, but decided to give her brother some much-needed space. "Hey, Odette - remember that wallpaper you recommended the last time we were in London. Well I've got two rolls in different colors upstairs still waiting for me to choose. Do you mind taking a look and giving me your opinion on which works best?" Honor said, referring to the guest room that had very nearly become a nursery again last year. Honor had her own ghosts to deal with, but she was being quite brave about it.

Honor had once liked Odette - she was smart, funny and easy to hang around with. In Honor's eyes Odette had been a big step up from Olivia Fallon or January Gunderson, who had been their mother's favourites for him through the years. But Honor could tell the years hadn't been kind to their relationship.

As Honor returned, having sent Odette off in the right direction, she continued to speak to her brother.

"Now, tell me - what can I do?" Honor offered, seeing that his brother was not his former self. He looked bleak, uninterested, his smiles looked forced when he'd greeted her sons, which usually came so naturally to Logan.

"For today? Don't mention babies and don't let me drink too much," Logan replied, swiftly, thinking practically for something immediate he needed from her to get through the day. Alcohol helped to numb what he felt, but he knew that that kind of a replacement could get out of hand in a bad way.

About three weeks ago, after a big fight when Odette had transformed back into the self Logan had actually married, to a person that actually wanted to understand him and have his back. A friend who cared. They'd talked, Logan sharing some of what he felt with her. But on top of everything else Odette had also admitted that she too felt alone, that Logan was being distant, and explained how that hurt her and made her feel like she might lose him.

For a while there Logan had been unsure of himself - what if it was his mental health that was making him distance himself from her? Maybe - that really wasn't what she deserved?

So they'd cried about these things together and ended up looking for some mutual comfort in each-other's touch.

He'd needed that physical comfort too - it was about more than just the release, it was simply about someone touching him in a way that felt even remotely like he was loved. They had been each-other's safe havens for years - confidants, partners in crime, even if it hadn't been a traditional love story.

The trouble was that after they'd gotten lost in their desires, Odette had whispered to his ear that she was off her birth control and that she hoped that it'd fix things, leaving Logan feeling betrayed. It hadn't been something one had forgotten in the throws of passion or an accident - it was deliberate deceiet. Now he was holding his breath for that scenario not to become a reality. He knew Odette was too, but for the opposite outcome. Thankfully, the one to be disappointed in a few days time would not be Logan.

"Done. Anything else?" Honor spoke as if in action mode.

"Keep me busy and preferably without her," Logan said, almost feeling like he'd found a goldfish to make his three wishes to. He would've loved to have come to Honor's by himself, but Odette wouldn't hear of it, speaking of making appearances together and what people might say if they spent Christmas day in different continents.

What made this so difficult was that Odette actually wanted them to work out, seeing a baby as a means to bring them closer together. Once in a fortnight perhaps, Logan even considered it, desperate for answers to his problems. Maybe having someone to love like that, someone who was a part of him, would in fact make him happier?

She'd even said she was sorry for having chosen that time and moment to tell him about stopping birth control. Logan at times even felt sorry for her.

The trouble was that while the rest of the time Logan felt very different, and had expressed his opinion, Odette had just chosen to ignore his input, saying it was his depression speaking, like it was just something he didn't really mean.

"I can try," Honor said.

For the large part Honor did what she could, setting Logan up with various tasks and errands that he could do for her both with her sons or herself, to get him to a place where his mind felt more at ease.

They did get to talk more properly later on, Logan sharing with her the story behind him getting his tattoos among other things. But what Honor hadn't understood quite then and there was why Logan was still with Odette. She'd never seen her brother like that. He looked almost paralyzed, defeated, weak - just holding his breath while he was slowly suffocating. Like a tree that was holding on with its roots so strongly not to be swept away by a flood that it forgot how to grow.

The deeper causes of all of this Honor hadn't gotten out of him at that point, there having not been a convenient moment with so many people in the house. But seeing Logan like that did make her check on him more often, visit more often. From that moment on Honor became his lifeline, just like she'd been after Rory had turned down his proposal at her graduation.


AN: cut this chapter in half and this is the first part of it. More Honor in the next chapter.

And if you're wondering could Logan have hid his tattoos so well from Odette then a) both travel a lot b) if they were intimate, which certainly wasn't something frequent, let's just imagine it was either something in the dark or something quick like when one might leave most of one's clothes on.

And what I wanted to show in this chapter, and I hope I succeeded, was that Odette isn't just a single dimension "selfish" character. Yes, she made mistakes, but it was more complicated than that. And while Logan might not have loved her like that, he too was attached in some ways.

Tell me what do you think!