Author notes: Once again, thank you all for the continued support and reviews.

This one is a rather dark/sad one take on a series that, sadly, fits disturbingly well with a part of NGE storyline.

After that I will focus on a separated one-shot about RoE and will try to return with more comedy and action on the following chapters.


"Asuka. I... I'm scared of both Misato and Ayanami. Help me... Help me, Asuka."

Shinji shook Asuka.

"Hey... Wake up! Come on... Wake up! Asuka... Asuka... ASUKA! Help me... Help me... Help me... Help me... Help me! Call me an idiot like usual! HEY!"

Shinji kept shaking the girl until her body turned over, disconnecting some suction cups and wires connected to the monitoring devices and also opening her hospital gown, revealing her almost naked body.

Immediately, he took a few steps backwards, bumping into the hospital closet, causing some objects that were stored there to fall to the floor. In normal situations, the boy would not even pay attention to this fact.

However, one of the dropped objects caught his attention. It was a K7 tape, the same model that he used in his SDAT device. But more than that: this tape had a handwritten annotation, in an almost childish-like kanji, that simply said "Reasons".

Still nervous and alternating his gaze between the half-naked girl lying on the hospital bed and the tape in his hands, Shinji felt dirty inside. What could be worse? To take a look at the body he had always desired vile intentions or to listen to a tape that certainly contained something important for Asuka and that she would certainly not share with him? Either way, he would be violating the girls intimacy for selfish reasons.

Simply running away would be the easiest answer. And probably the correct one, this time.

But that was not what he did. Locking the door to the hospital room, Shinji took out his SDTA equipment and, for the first time in years, removed his favorite tape and put in the one marked by Asuka's handwriting.

The device registered Track 1, and as he pressed "Play", Shinji felt an inexplicable mix of emotions.

"Gutten Morgen! My name is Asuka Langley Sohryu and if you're hearing this tape now it's because I'm dead. And since you cared enough to actually listen to this tape, you will know why that happened and the people that caused that. Starting with you, Mr. Kaji."

Shinji propped himself on the wall and sat on the floor, in shock, as the SDAT advanced to Track 02.

"Mr. Kaji. It's no secret that I loved you. Sure, now I know that it was maybe the worst decision of my life, and I'm sorry for that. All of my life I tried so hard to be an adult, but, alongside you, I could only act like a child. A princess that wanted a strong man to take care of her. So I confused everything from the start. I needed a father, not a lover. But the thing is... you were neither. At any moment... Was I really important to you? You've even cared about me? Or I was just another tool for you to get closer to Misato and play your spy game? I think the answer is clear now. I hate you Mr. Kaji."

The tracks continued to play.

"Misato. At one moment, I was really glad that I got to live with you in Japan. In fact, it was maybe the best place that I've ever lived. I could almost call it home. I liked our trip to the thermal fountains near Mt. Asama. I liked our dinners, even the one at the Ramen stand. I'm sorry that I couldn't appreciate it more because I was jealous of you and Kaji. That said, you're truly a despicable person. You really knew everything about me, right? Of course, you did. You were my guardian or a while and probably asked for that position to ascend further in your career. So why? Why you did nothing to help me? You knew it! You knew everything. And still didn't care. You've always moved mountains to your beloved Shinji but never did anything for me. Like all adults, you only thought about your selfish and perverted desires. You were fucking Kaji when I was struggling and suffering. I bet that you were already planning to send me back to Germany, right? I hate you Misato!"

He sat down, and starts to tremble as he could only register some fragments of what actually was being said.

"You're just a penguin, so it was dumb to had any expectations about you. So smart and intelligent but, still, only another parasite that is incapable of doing anything other than watch me naked, smell like trash and eat our food. I hate pets, and you were no different."

Shinji didn't know how to react. He never saw Asuka speaking like that. Her voice was calm, but utterly sad.

"Father. I hate you. That's all. You don't deserve any more words from me."

A far cry from the confident girl that he knew.

"Dear stepmother. Thanks for trying to be at least civil with me. It didn't work, but I appreciate the effort. Doesn't change what you did. My father was an asshole, but you decided to fuck him while my mother was dying in the next room. I hate you."

"Asuka… I didn't know..."

"Subcommander Fuyutsuki. You knew my mother too, right? I thought that you would at least acknowledge me. You've leaded my first mission in Japan. But you did nothing, only humiliated me in front of everyone, treating me like a child. I hate old people like you."

"Gendo Ikari. You never spoke to me. Ever. I was expendable, right? That's why you decided to drop me into that volcano. That's why you did nothing to help me when I was violated. You only had eyes for your doll and didn't even care for your own son. You called him a coward, but you're the coward! A pitiful excuse of a leader who can't do nothing else than to sacrifice people for your own personal gain. I…no, the whole world, hate !

"Dr. Ritsuko. You are so smart. I envy you. All those experiments, all those tests. You killed a fucking Angel only with your skills. You've brought Shinji back to life from inside his Eva and still… you couldn't do anything to stop me from being worthless. Really? Bullshit! The truth is that you didn't want to help me. You didn't want me as an Eva pilot. Nobody did… I was expendable. You just wanted to use me as a guinea pig and then discard me. But don't worry, I will make easier for you. Soon you will be able to do all kind of tests that you want with my dead body. I hate you!"

"Why you decided to do that Asuka?" – the boy mumbled to himself in a whisper – "Why you couldn't just had talked to me or to Hik…"

"Hikari… I really enjoyed spending time with you. You genuinely made my life better and tried to help me at the end. So, I'm grateful. But… was it really true? Why me? Why Asuka? It was because of my status? Because I was different of the other girls? You forced me to go on an arranged date. Another person treating me as a doll, an exotic foreigner that is only good for being a trophy girlfriend for guys to show off. And… maybe the reason that you hanged out with me because you were trying to get close to Suzuhara. You're kind a kind person but…. Let's be honest. I think that after I had nothing to offer to you, I became just another duty and a burden for you. You took me to your house, but only because you felt obliged to it. At the end, did you really care at all? I'm sorry. I don't enjoy the fact that I feel that way… I know that you don't deserve it, but it's true. I… hate you, Hikari!"

"No… Asuka…it's… not true."

"Suzuhara. You were always trying to challenge me. I admired that. You looked like a warrior, just like me. Someone reliable. Even if you are a dumb monkey, Hikari wouldn't fell for you without any reason. Still, at the end you were just another stupid boy that helped to spread the legend of the 'Red Devil' to the whole school. That's sick. It's just bullying. No excuses. But that's how it is for foreign girls, right? People judge you by the way you look, the things they hear about you. They put a label on you. So, it was perfectly reasonable for you to treat me like a foreign monster, right? Fucking stooge, Suzuhara, I hate you!"

"Aida. You looked like a cool guy. Had lots of knowledge about your geek stuff, that I actually could relate with. Your odd passion to Eva, military and games…. it was a thing that we could've talked about it. But you were nothing but a great disappointment and a pathetic human being. Even worse than Suzuhara. You…. violated me from the start. You used your skills for disgusting things. Selling photos of me. Treating me like I was a fucking whore while you were also spreading out hate and lies about me, together with your idiot jock friend. You're sick, Aida. I hate you!"

He felt like throwing up as a disgusting sensation started to grow on his belly.

"Wondergirl. You know… as much as I don't like to say it…. I meant what I said on our first meeting. I wanted to be your friend. Why wouldn't eye? I thought that you would understand me. I thought that we had so many things in common. Two girls that trained to pilot Eva since they were young. But you not only rejected me. You acted like a fucking doll and tried to replace me. During that stupid synch training. Or the volcano. I wouldn't. A doll could not replace me… again. But after that, things seemed to go better between us. Until you stood up to defend your stupid Shinji like you were his wife or something like that. And guess what? It worked. You won. You replaced me in the end and even mocked me, by trying to teach me how to pilot and even saving me, twice. A doll like you was the best girl after all. I hate dolls. And I hate you! Hope you rot in hell!"

At that point, Shinji was trembling and sweating, like he had a fever. The device switched from Track 24 to Track 25. He was afraid of what was coming next, but he also knew it. For the first time, turning off the SDAT and facing the real world seemed like an infinitely better option than continuing to listen to the tape. But the fear had paralyzed him so deeply that he didn't even had the strength to press the "Stop" button or remove the headphones.

"That is the last person that I will talk about in my life. And, of course, it's the person that I hate the most. Be honored to know that my last words will be directed to you. You will certainly be happy, because you are an idiot and what you enjoy the most is when the whole world revolves around you, isn't it? The fact that I'm dead proves that you won. So, congratulations, invincible Shinji Ikari."

Shinji hugged his own knees and collected himself in a fetal position as Track 26 started.

"From the first moment that I saw you, you irritated me deeply. How could such a pathetic human being become an Eva pilot? To be able to achieve synchronization test records and defeat angels with no training? That had to be a joke. Luck. Or plain cheating. I dedicated my whole life to being an Eva pilot and you, an idiot coward, just appear out of nowhere and become... better than me?"

"There is nothing good about you! You're not handsome, you're not smart, you're not strong, and you don't even know how to value yourself when you're really good at something."

"You never did anything right. You are just an amateur that has no place in the battlefield. You ran away. You disobeyed orders. You got trapped into your fucking Eva. And, yet, even doing all things wrong, you keep winning. And everybody likes you because of that. In the end, that's how it works. You win, you get love. That's how it is. It means that I'm just a loser, isn't it? Just a burden for the invincible all-mighty Shinji."

"You... showed me that I wasn't special. You defeated me on every single level. And worst of all! Even though you achieved everything I ever wanted, you don't recognize it. You still think that it's not enough, choosing live locked away in your own world, like a spoiled child!"

"You are just a doormat. A puppy dog, that was always following Misato's orders, running after Wondergirl and hanging out with the Stooges. You never stood up against any of them or questioned all of their abuses or mean jokes that all of them have done against me."

"I... needed you. And I thought I could count on you. Like when you were with me on my first battle. When we did that stupid training to defeat the Angel. When you jumped into that volcano… Why? Why you appeared from nowhere, did all those things and then after I…. you just rejected me afterwards! You mocked me, making me feel useless. You didn't talk to me! You didn't look at me! You didn't kiss me! You wouldn't even hold me! Why? You're a bastard."

"At the end of the day I wonder… was I ever important to you? Or just another material for your jerking off fantasies? Well, I hope that at least I was useful for something in the end. That's it. There is nothing more to say in this tape. No more reasons needed. I hate you Shinji Ikari! And even if that makes me feel sick… I…"

"…"

"I hate myself for loving you, Shinji Ikari."

The tape ended. Shinji was in shock.

The small fuzzy feeling that he felt inside when he heard the the unbelievable last sentence soon turned into despair and guilty as realization came over him.

He didn't help Asuka. He failed her. But most of all… he cost Asuka her life because he was afraid to love her.

Shinji was on the verge of crying. He wanted to scream. Scream like an inhuman creature.

"Hey, idiot! Can't you give me a break? Jeez… what an annoying boy! I'm the patient in this room, and still it looks like you're the one that is in need of medical attention."

Shinji raised his head and could not believe his eyes. Asuka was standing in front of him, properly dressed in her hospital gown, looking at him.

"A-asuka?"

"Of course, it's me, stupid? Think I would die so easily?" – she said with a confident smile.

Shinji stood up, looking at the girl with a mix of several emotions and thoughts going over his mind.

"Asuka, I am…" – Asuka put a hand over his mouth, interrupting him.

"Shut up! If you plan to apologize to me, you will be the one that will occupy this hospital bed for a long time. Have you learned nothing at…"

Asuka's body tensed as Shinji held her into a tight embrace while also kissing her on her lips, in an awkward way.

After a moment of hesitation, she kissed him back.

"Idiot!" – she said, gently, while slowly breaking the kiss – "Your breath tickles and you haven't brushed your teeth."

"Asuka, I'm so…"

"Shh… would you please try to not ruin this moment?"

He looked in her eyes, with determination, still holding her into a firm embrace.

"Asuka! I… I love you too."

She looked surprised but, after a few seconds, she gently caressed his face and gave him a sad smile.

"Why didn't you say this to me when I was alive?"

He opened his eyes and realized he was still sitting on the floor, with his SDAT on his hands. Asuka was there, still lying on the hospital bed, almost naked, and the hospital machines were making irregular noises because of the disconnected wires.

The tears never stopped falling.


Misato Katsuragi entered the hospital room, with her pistol in her hands.

Asuka was lying on her bed, as expected, properly covered with a blanket. Shinji was also there leaning against the wall, curled up in a fetal position, clutching his SDAT device..

As the Section 2 team prepared to transport Asuka into her Evangelion, Misato tried unsuccessfully to convince Shinji to stand up.

"Shinji, come with me. This is serious, we don't have much time, get up!"

But the boy remained inert.

The major took a deep breath, and held the boy's face - "Shinji! Look at me." - Only to see a pale face marked by parched tears and a deeply sad and despairing look on his face.

Misato hugged the boy, who sketched no reaction.

"Shinji. I know that things aren't good right now, but they will get better. The way we treat each other and look out for each other." - she said while caressing the boy's hair - "It has to get better somehow."