Chapter 68
August 14th, 2019
Logan's phone chimed just as he was stepping to the mooring from Odette's father's Royal Huisman at Port de Beaulieu-sur-Mer, and held out his hand for Odette who followed him. They were on holiday, as much as part-working part-mingling could be considered a holiday, no less with the older generation that kept bombarding them with various questions on their marriage, including their plans, hinting heavily on expecting grandchildren any time now. So far Odette was not terribly fond of the idea yet, thankfully, having her own career as a priority. Her career was a little different though, as it fitted fairly well with her societal responsibilities. And she'd never really insisted on doing what she did forever, she just had a set of goals she wanted to reach before she was 40, and that was that.
Logan excused himself, and picked up the phone, as he stood there staring at the gorgeous cliffs along the coast of Cote D'azur, while the others headed back towards the marina. All he'd wanted for the past four hours, having dinner on the Mediterranean, was just call and en to the dinner and instead sail across an ocean. His acts of rebellion were so far just thoughts, glimpses, mind trips. The sizable sailboat could've probably handled it even, and his mind had kept bringing back images from ages ago when he'd sailed with his friends.
"Colin?" Logan picked up, sounding surprised. Truthfully, he hadn't spoken to him in a year, except for a quick Happy Birthday both ways, and he didn't feel particularly proud of the fact. He'd just felt so out of words recently.
"Logan, man, I'm glad you picked up," Colin spoke, sounding like this was something urgent.
"Everything alright?" Logan inquired.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Fuck it. I'm marvelous," he replied, joyfully. Colin laughed.
"Okay," Logan responded, sounding puzzled.
"I became a father today. 7 lbs. 2 oz, 20 inches, a girl, we're calling her Rosie, Rosie McCrae," Colin announced with more pride in his voice than Logan had perhaps ever heard. And Colin was a very proud man to begin with.
"Wow…, congratulations, man," Logan replied, the whole concept of Colin, any of the guys really, becoming fathers sounding so foreign to him. He hadn't even known Colin was married or expecting - and he didn't know the former even now.
They were not traditional family people, and in his mind he was perhaps still a little stuck at being 30, always thinking like there were ages until these things were topical to himself and the guys. Yet he really wasn't 30 anymore, neither was Colin.
Colin continued to explain how insanely euphoric he was feeling, clearly just needing someone to talk to, which made Logan feel even more guilty for not having kept better touch. He made a mental note to remedy that to the best of his ability, but now, after all that time, just randomly calling his friend felt awkward. Especially, if he had no equivalent news to tell him. It didn't sound like a particularly smart idea to just call him some day to complain about his work, was it? Especially now when he surely had his hands full.
The announcement came with other kinds of thoughts too - which he knew he was better off not mentioning to his wife. Imagining one of his friends with a kid, made that scenario seem closer to him than it ever had felt before. What would it be like to be a father? Would he suck as much as his own father at it? What would the baby look like? Was it even fair to bring anyone into the mess that his life was, despite looking all shiny and spotless to the outside world?
November 26th, 2021
Logan sat at Colin's couch, nursing a cup of tea, which Colin had already commented on being an odd request for a beverage coming from him, and observed the almost hauntingly beautiful scene in front of him.
Rory was on the couch, with two-year-old Rosie sitting next to her, and she was teaching her the clapping game of Patty Cake, which she'd been surprised the child didn't already know. It was something about the way her face lit up as she smiled that did it, but it was really her whole body language that had changed to more nurturing and caring around the child. Logan was pretty sure she didn't even realize it.
"So where are you staying?" Colin asked as he returned, bringing a cappuccino for Rory and placing it in front of her on the coffee table, and holding his own glass of water, and sat next to Logan on the couch across from them.
"I wish I knew - Rory took charge of this one," Logan admitted. It was strange taking the back seat at organizing things for the two of them.
Rory could read the humble look on Logan's face, that he was perhaps feeling a little demasculinized by not having the chance to whisk her away this time.
"I thought it was time I whisked him away for a change," Rory replied, sneakily. "But I booked a room at Omni Parker. And I know, Finn wouldn't approve. But they have really good coffee makers in the suites. And I kind of like it being away from the city center. I'm usually always staying with my dad so, it's a change of scenery," Roy explained.
They were also going to see Christopher and Gigi briefly the next day, but strangely enough Logan wasn't fretting about that nearly as much as seeing Lorelai.
"Can't say that I've been…," Colin mused and sipped his drink.
The guys had already had some business talk earlier, which Rory had simply listened in on, not minding one bit. Frankly, she'd been interested - as she rarely talked about Logan's business in great detail, and it brought back a lot of memories.
"So - you two," Colin called them out. "Any luck I'll get to make you guys a prenup before Robert gets married," he asked straight out, inquiring in his own quirky way about how they were doing. Colin was never one to tiptoe around difficult topics when he could avoid it, and the two thankfully knew that about him. But it was clear he was feeling smug about the fact that the two were now together.
"Well, it's really not just about the two of us, there's Em to consider," Logan replied, and cast a humble look over to Rory, who now sat with Rosie in her lap, facing outwards and playing with Rory's bracelet, wanting to calm Rory.
"You have a bet going, haven't you?" Rory inquired suspiciously.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Colin played oblivious.
"You totally do, don't you?" Logan turned to him as well.
"Hey, all I say - I was right so far," Colin chuckled.
Logan and Rory exchanged glances, finding the situation funny, annoying and kind of cute at the same time. Why was it that everyone else seemed to know that they still had had that draw for each-other before they did? It just made them feel stupid, frankly, but a little dreamy at the same time.
Maybe there really was something like a soul mate, and maybe they were it? Nothing had hindered them - not a marriage, not societal pressures, not children, not the ethics, not the ocean or time.
It was the first time Rory really did think about perhaps needing to do something drastic. She couldn't really even spell it out for herself just yet, but there was all this built up feeling inside of her. In part she still had that guilt within her too, a need to stop herself from doubting, mostly in herself and the fact that she deserved that kind of happiness, and maybe there really was a way out of those feelings if she just spoke up.
After half a day at Colin's, catching up, they'd checked in to the hotel and were planning to go out for dinner and maybe a lounge or club later on if they felt up to it. But for now they weren't really in a hurry.
The hotel that Rory had booked, was a little businessy, but hence quiet during the weekend, especially just after Thanksgiving. But very modern with a lot of abstract minimalist art everywhere, which Rory had grown to like on time she'd stayed there for a conference. And Rory had genuinely wanted to offer Logan something else rather than the traditional luxury he had had his own life full of. She could count on two hands the times when he's surprised her at the La Pierre or the Plaza back in college, not to mention the Bowery or JW Marriott or other alternatives later on when he'd wanted more privacy than her Brooklyn apartment offered. She had a lot to make up for, especially now when it seemed she had more monety to splurge, not that she'd asked for his exact financial statement.
"Hey, can I talk to you about something?" Rory said, after she'd unpacked her weekend bag in silence, her heart feeling a little heavy for how this was going to go.
"Of course," Logan replied, sitting on the foot of the bed, having kicked off his shoes to relax a bit.
Rory climbed next to him, and sat with one leg bent under her, wanting to be closer, more intimate. She took his hand.
"I want to tell you, that I do want a life with you," Rory began, taking a deep breath. She'd felt like so far Logan had done most of the talking, projecting the future or talking about what he was feeling, while she hadn't done enough. "The house - I can totally picture us having a place of our own. But of course - we both know it can't be rushed," she added, but had more to say. "All of this is hard for me to say, because I am worried of doing the same mistake I did with Jess - the way I anchored myself to him to stop myself from running," she explained.
"With Em?" Logan asked, feeling confused.
"Yeah, and with telling people about the two of us. Or getting a joint house. Like if more people knew about it it would be more difficult for me flee," she continued. "But it already feels so much different with you, Logan. I need you to know that," she added.
"I know that," Logan assured.
"I really don't want to flee anymore," she added.
"Good," he reflected.
"I'm not saying that these things can happen soon, mostly for the reasons you already know. But I need you to know that I want to live with you, for as long as I can imagine. I want to marry you - I want us to be a family," she spoke, looking up and just briefly into Logan's eyes, a tiny teardrop already forming in the corner of her eye.
Hearing her say those words cut right into his heart.
Logan interrupted her words, kissing her slightly trembling lips that were clearly a sign of how scared she'd been to say it.
"As long as you're not just saying it to aid Colin win a bet," Logan chuckled, feeling emotional as well, their foreheads now against each-other.
"I'm really not," she shook her head and laughed through her tears of relief and joy. "Better yet - I just want this to be between us for now. But I want to know, feel... that we're in this together and feel solid, as much as I can," she continued. She also wanted to do things differently from the way things had been with Jess.
"Yes, of course," Logan assured.
"But I need you to know, that when it comes to maybe someday having a baby of our own," she began hesitantly, which naturally was already getting Logan's full attention. "I need you to acknowledge that it might not be so easy. I'd already be a geriatric mother in that case, I have all this scarring... I'm not even sure I'd be able to. In theory I guess it's possible, but I don't really know... I just need you not get your hopes up, I need you to figure out if this is something that you can live with in the long run. That it might not happen," Rory said, her words sounding more like pleading by now.
Logan had in fact already thought about it, but he would've been lying if he didn't hope for it to be possible. But he almost felt like it didn't it was just a punishment for him for having taken so long to do this. He realized it wasn't the healthiest way to think about it, hurting himself again if it didn't happen, but for now he chose to have hope, and focus on the present - that already being with her was making him happier than he'd been in a decade.
"I told you, if that doesn't happen - I'll live," he said, needing to assure himself as much as her. He'd said that, perhaps more in passing, and certainly before he knew all the details, before, but he was more sure than anything, that as long as he had her, it was something he could overcome. Even if that took therapy again.
"You say that now...," Rory tried to argue. It was hard for her to believe it.
"If I say I can, then I can," they both recalled Logan's words from years ago, which almost fitted this scenario.
"Believe me Rory. All I want is you, whenever you'll have me, whenever you feel we can have our house, our life, our family, whenever you feel you're ready," Logan promised.
"Then...," Rory began again, needing another deep breath. "Would you please marry me?" she said, and turned into puddle of emotions.
"When you stop crying, yes! Without a doubt in my mind," Logan reassured her in a chuckle, needing to see her smile again.
It didn't need to be said that it'd be a long engagement, ringless and private - most likely for the forseeable future, but it was assurance to the both of them of how determined they were in this. And it did help - it made both of them feel a lot more confident, having said that out loud.
