Chapter 84

December 15th, 2021 (two days earlier)

"What is your greatest source of support?" Rory read out another question from their therapy homework that they were finishing up on their way over there that Wednesday evening. It was not like they'd get punished for not doing it, but they had a good track record of doing everything the therapist had asked, so they intended to keep at it. It didn't seem like the time to get sloppy and lazy.

"Honor probably," Logan replied without much thinking. "Whatever crap I pull, no matter how rock bottom I am, I think knowing she's there has helped me a lot. And now it's kind of the financial part too. If I feel I need money quickly, I know I can go ask her - not that I want to but I know I have that option. I know this sounds a bit shallow, but it's strange being this cash 'poor' after things being so differnet for a long time. That kind of feels like support too, sort of unconditional," Logan explained. The money aspect was still something he sometime thought about - but he was proud, and his father's money felt dirty somehow.

"I know I should say my mom… and I guess that applies, but as there have been moments when we're not talked, I guess I don't think of her as that unconditional necessarily. It is why I am a little scared to tell her about the ring too," Rory explained. "Like I want her to know, but not tell her. I am not looking forward to her reaction, if you know what I mean," she added. "But Paris and Lane are pretty unconditional I'd say - one definitely more judgemental than the other. But they've never failed me if I've needed them, same for Finn," Rory added, realizing that she hadn't talked to Finn nearly enough since she'd gotten together with Logan.

"But if you had to choose one?" Logan inquired, being the one driving again that night.

"It used to be my grandfather, then my grandmother… or I could just say Em..," Rory continued, showing that side of her that was not that great at making decisions. "I don't think I can choose," she admitted. She also knew that it wasn't ideal to put that type of pressure on Em, but it was the same her mother had done to her. She was the central and most important person in her life, there was no doubt about it and it was her that had kept her moving when she'd felt the worst.

They continued to drive, Rory not quite feeling like doing the last few questions on the list. For one, the sexual questions were probably better left for the bedroom, and she doubted they'd have any problem answering those, even if in part in whisper on her side, and they already knew quite a lot about each-others pasts so questions about their childhood didn't seem really very relevant to them either. Hence she felt content at the homework they'd already done.

"Hey, do you think we should have a New Year's Eve party maybe? I kind of miss Finn and… I don't know it might be fun to see Paris and if she's okay with it - maybe even invite Tristan? It's been a while since I've had an adult party like that," Rory said, having actually been plotting for Paris to get over her fear of Tristan. Paris had ghosts but she believed the reality might surprise her. But overall - not knowing what plans the others had already she knew she couldn't be that sure if they'd come at all - but the idea of having people over, felt nice.

"We could," Logan shrugged, but Rory could sense some hesitation in his tone.

"We don't have to if that's not what you want," Rory offered, unsure what she was reading off of him.

"It's not that," Logan replied. "Last year at New Years it just… it was a bit of a low point for me," he admitted. "But you're right," he answered with a deep exhale. "All the more reason for us to make it as different as possible from that," he added.

Rory squeezed his hand supportively, not really wanting to pry. She had to admit, she didn't like hearing about his bad times much. It physically hurt her to think of it. But she did want to understand, but she wasn't about to inflict that pain onto herself unless Logan felt he wanted to talk about it.

The therapist's place looked like a little, modern, winter wonderland with all the snow that had fallen last night and frankly they were relieved that Rory's car actually had snow tires. The inside of the house were warm and comforting, feeling very similar to coming home to a crackling fireplace, a slight scent of spruce already in the air from the recently erected Christmas tree.

"So, how have you two been?" Dr. Riggs asked, as the two had some time to settle into her couch, sitting with a modest spacing between them, Rory's hands draped over her lap, her fingers just nearly reaching Logan's, liking the way he sometimes seemed to radiate warmth.

"Good, I guess," Rory replied, casually.

"Yeah, we took a big step with the ring, but we heard you - we at least try to tell ourselves that this isn't rushing but a logical development considering our history," Logan added, drawing her attention to Rory's engagement ring.

"That is a big step," the therapist agreed. "Have you told people?" she continued.

"Not a lot," Rory admitted. "Just my kid for now, but she hasn't really reacted to it," she expressed her worry. "It's keeping me on my toes," she added, with a nervous smile.

"And me too," Logan agreed, squeezing her hand.

"Well, kids do have different processing speeds. It depends on their worries or concerns, and what they've heard from their peers," Dr. Riggs explained.

"So I've read," Rory said.

"Just give her time," the therapist recommended.

Rory nodded.

"What about the others? Any reason you haven't told them yet? I just mean, most people when they get engaged want to shout it from the rooftops," Dr. Riggs inquired.

"My step-father, whom I've known for a long time… almost my entire life," Rory began. "...he said just last week that he thinks that I'm making a mistake with Logan," Rory expressed, her face showing well how reluctant she was about talking on this topic. But they'd agreed they would.

"That must've been difficult," the therapist commented.

"I mean, I know that he means well - he just brought up a lot of our past mistakes," Rory explained, specifically not referring to them as Logan's mistakes. She truly believed a lot of their past things to be their shared mistakes.

"But if I may?" Logan budded in.

Rory nodded.

"I think she's affected by other people's opinions more than she lets on. It's like it makes her confidence deteriorate… and I guess that makes me worry a little," Logan admitted. He'd seen it in her so clearly.

"But I am not doubting us," Rory felt she needed to assure him.

"Just your decisions perhaps? Past decisions, present ones… like confidence and self-trust," Logan tried to explain.

"Humans are tribal, whether we like to admit it or not. Companionship, social relationship matter - and placing weight on others' opinion is natural and largely unavoidable," Dr. Riggs began to explain. "If one fears the negative evaluation of other people very strongly it can be considered a form of social anxiety - and this is not to label anyone, just as background theory," she added. "But one has to remember that what other people think is something that is their opinion, it's not necessarily the truth. They are expressing how they feel with the information that they have and that may not be all that's real. One is one's own biggest critic and people tend to add more meaning to other's words than may be present there in reality too," she continued to explain.

"I guess I know that," Rory admitted. "I did tell him to see for himself," she added, feeling, looking back, a little childish for saying that to Luke. Now she also felt a lot of pressure ot prove him wrong.

"A sign of flawed thinking would've been if you would've wanted to correct your behavior or yourself in response to that criticism," Dr. Riggs replied.

"I didn't think that," Rory replied, shaking her head. "But it did hurt me - like if he thought I made bad decisions. Like did he think all the decisions I'd made until that moment had been poor ones as well?" she explained.

"How do you usually deal with criticism? Logan, you, can reply too - I think with a unusual relationship, one that has a lot of history, you're both bound to be faced with some forms of criticism based on what you've told me in the past - your mother's perhaps?" she added.

"I guess I haven't always dealt with it in a good way. I've sort of ran… done some stupid things," Rory explained, modestly.

"Like what?" Dr. Riggs inquired.

"Stolen a yacht because I just wanted to get away," Rory began, feeling utterly embarrassed from that event, but Logan actually looked a little smug at that memory. While not a good one, it was theirs and just added a tiny bit of excitement to everything they'd been through together.

"I've once moved out of my home to live with my grandparents because my mother didn't agree with one of my decisions. I've grabbed at straws when it came to jobs, I've made some poor decisions with men too - sort of looked for comfort in the old and familiar, I guess," Rory admitted. "And I know this last bit sounds awful in this context too - but I really don't think this is that.. I'm not running from anything anymore, at least I don't think I am. It'd kill me if I'd hurt Logan again with something like that," she explained, honestly.

"You mean your ex, the father of your child?" Dr. Riggs asked, while Logan just listened, looking a little worried. This was already borderline regular therapy, besides the couple's version, and it was a little difficult for Logan to hear.

"Him too, but there was one prior occasion - my first boyfriend, I slept with him years ago… when I was told to drop a class at Yale, things were not going as I'd planned I gues... I felt like I was failing, and I just went running to him to have a shoulder to cry on. The trouble was that he was married at the time," Rory admitted reluctantly, peeking at Logan to see how he was doing with this information. He knew about it, of course, but not in so much detail. Back then they'd been just starting out and it hadn't exactly been at the top of their discussion topics.

"Well, I guess if you want to make sure you're not running to Logan now, you just need to make sure that there aren't things you're trying to escape now. And if there are - you need to figure out how to face those things and re-evaluate. Are you escaping from work, social obligations? Other's opinions? From your ex? From being single?" the therapist explained.

"Oh, no...it is not that," Rory replied, perhaps a little too rapidly. She hated that this session was putting hesitation into her brain. Maybe that was why she was rushing this? But she couldn't think of reasons she could've been running from. She hated feeling this insecurity.

"It's not me you need to answer to, but Logan. And it's okay for you to think about it. It's even okay to admit that in some part this is what you're doing. As long as there is love there too and you're honest about everything that's going on - it's fine…," she assured and continued to lecture the two a few minutes on patience, acceptance and how to recognize the realness of such feelings, which did make them feel a little better about this possibility.

Logan then continued to express his decision on not wanting to tell her mother about Rory. If the news traveled, then it would. He was clearly still holding a grudge, and showing disrespect in the process. He got a few tips concerning letting go of those negative emotions, but it didn't seem he'd be changing his mind any time soon. It was not like there was a relationship to save there.

"Letting people know could also do good to you, because when there are people who'll react positively to this, it will help to balance out the opinions of those who are less positive," the therapist explained.

"Yeah, I guess," Rory agreed.

"Our time is almost up, but is there anything else that is on your mind today?" the therapist asked.

"There's this one thing," Logan began, looking at Rory a little apologetically which frankly made Rory worry.

Dr. Riggs nodded, suggesting he'd share.

"I've been wondering why she works the way she does. I mean she has fixed work times but she always has a lot of homework. And I know she has a lot going on in her life - with her daughter, family, me…," he added, chuckling slightly at mentioning himself, nervously. "But I just don't understand why she does it. I mean - I have a record of doing this myself. But as my own therapist back in the UK taught me, it was my escape mechanism. From negative feelings, from self-harm, from a toxic relationship... And I know there are some people who truly take enjoyment in their work. And I've seen her do it too… when she was writing there was a lot of that. She just lit up. But now… it's like she pushes herself but I don't see her enjoy it as much," Logan explained. "I've asked her… but I feel like she's not completely hearing me and the response is not satisfying me enough. And I feel even a little hypocritical for asking it…especially if I keep doing it. It's like we're going in circles with this question," Logan explained. "She's so smart, I don't think she even realizes it… she could be doing anything she wanted with her time, she doesn't even need to work for the money… she could easily work less, do more of what she enjoys… and I guess I don't understand why she doesn't see that," Logan continued.

Rory exhaled, having not really expected this to be brought up. To her it seemed she'd answered him. Or at least that it wasn't something he was seriously objecting to. She wanted to object that this was not something he should be surprised of, and when they'd been together the first time, or well… technically the second, they'd both worked hard. She wanted to say that it was a part of her, that it was just the time of the year that was rough on her. But she realized she needed to dig a little deeper than that.

"Rory? Anything you want to respond to this with?" she asked.

"I don't know. I guess I am working hard because I am making up for lost time. I've been at this just a couple of years… I feel like I'm behind," she explained.

"You say - 'behind' - like there's someone measuring success - but there isn't anyone doing that," Logan pitched in with what he'd learned from his therapist.

"You took the words out of my mouth, Logan. Thank you for that," Dr. Riggs replied, smiling friendlily. "But I guess what we both mean here is that to Logan this seems like a illogical thing to do, and he's searching to see the logic behind this because he cares about you, and doesn't want you making the same mistakes he's made in the past," she summed it up. "We can continued this topic next time, after New Year in this case, but I guess it wouldn't hurt, Rory, if this is something you or the two of you could talk about, or at least think about. Chart what makes you happy, what parts of your work do it and what parts don't. Determine whether there are ways to compromise or try out at least. And given what we've talked about today, you may also consider that maybe… just maybe you're trying to prove yourself to someone in particular. This may well be connected to caring about other people's opinion too much," she added.

Rory felt a little cornered after this, but she had needed to see this angle. She didn't really understand why finding middle ground felt so hard for her either. And knowing he didn't want her to make his mistakes was sweet. But the topic was a dense one, and she almost felt like she didn't have the mental capacity to untangle it. At least not right now, feeling tired as she was after a workday.

But both Rory and Logan knew that not every therapy session was going to be easy. Some of this stuff was heavy, and with another supportive squeeze of her fingers they walked out of the place in a few minutes time, feeling each-other's presence.