Chapter 85
December 17th, 2021
"You heard what the therapist said, and I don't mean to push you… but can you really blame me for wanting you not to kills yourself with you work?" he said.
The trip back from the therapist's office a couple of days ago had been on the quiet side, Rory feeling like something was wanted from her that she wasn't sure how to give it. She didn't know how to deal with what she felt, truth be told - hiding, running and substituting being her go-to answers usually.
But as the mood had been lightened by Logan driving past one of the houses he'd seen an add on recently as they drove into Hartford - not that in the dark there was a lot to see. But it still acted as a reminder that their plans for the future hadn't gone anywhere.
Now, however, as Rory and Logan had excused themselves to Rory's classroom to talk in peace, it also being the first time Logan got to see where Rory really worked and his suggestive questions about Rory working too hard earlier, the mood was less assuring.
Rory hadn't quite been so lucky to get one of the classrooms that had two rows of gridded windows where she'd given her alumni lecture five years ago. God - did that seem like a long time ago. Those classrooms were reserved for music and civics and came with a certain seniority. Rory had the classroom right next to Max's old classroom, and it looked almost entirely identical to Max's, just mirroring it. There was a large cork board by the entrance listing various competitions and extra curricular suggestions - anything from summer schools to poetry nights and book launches. The chalk blackboard had been replaced with a whiteboard and her walls contained frames black-and white literary posters, citing various famous authors which she'd bought herself. There was no obligatory picture of William Shakespear on the wall like Max had had, Rory being a little rebellious like that.
"Is this a fight? Why does this feel like a fight?" Rory said, frustratedly and with a hint of sadness, and sank onto the edge of her desk, like she often did while lecturing, but now just with zero enthusiasm.
"I don't want it to be," Logan sighed, tucking his hands into his pockets, and leaned against the wall. "I love you Rory, and I don't know… maybe I'm being so pushy because it's something I've been through so recently, and I just can't help to sense what you're doing… it has a bit of that…," he began to explain, adding, "...that compulsive behavior to it, very similar to what I had, and I just want to understand, help - I want you to be happy in whatever you're doing. I want to make sure it's not… I don't know your mother, your grandfather or my father… whoever that is you're doing this for," shrugging his shoulders.
"You realize two of those people are dead, right?" Rory looked at him sideways. Joking about was still her protection mechanism.
"Yes, I do.., but I also know that he hurt you more than you let on," Logan replied. He hadn't been as oblivious as Rory thought about her struggles, essentially trying to be more worhty in everything she did than an assistant would be, his father suggested she try that as a professsion all those years ago.
"What, first I am too dependent on the opinion of people who are alive and now the dead too?" Rory said, getting a little defensive, but fluctuated between avoidant and humourous.
"You know that's not what I am trying to say," Logan said. "I'd understand if you told me… that you do this to show Em what a working mother looks like, how you want to do something meaningful, give on the love for books to young people - but you've never said anything like that. You talk about the long hours, the workload, getting into it because it's the place where you loved to be and how you loved to sit in one of these chairs yourself, how you admired your teachers," he continued. "I just want you happy, that you wouldn't support your happiness just on me, as that's a lot of weight to carry… I fixed myself to the best of my abilities before I came here… I just want you to self-reflect and see if there is something you need to fix before we move further with us," Logan added, clearly having thought a great deal about it. He didn't want to say that he wasn't willing to carry her weight, but he knew that he was not as strong as he'd believed himself to be either.
"I got into this because it was the door that was open…," Rory admitted, reluctantly, thowing her hands up in the air. "And this is not something I am proud of. But I didn't exactly have a lot of doors open to me when I got pregnant with Em," she added, now staring at her toes, and crossed her arms across her stomach.
"And now you're here, you're clearly respected and good at what you do. Like you are in most things…. Fine, except for dancing and singing perhaps," Logan tried to lift her mood, and stepped close, trying to think of a good way to touch her. He hated having spoiled their evening like that.
"Ha-ha," Rory responded sarcastically.
"I just remember how you used to love writing, especially when you did it on your own incentive… you were supposed to write your book. And I get it that things went differently. But you had that spark in your eyes which I'd like to see again," Logan explained.
Rory could see in Logan's eyes that he meant it.
"I don't want to fight, I just want what's best for you," he assured, taking her hand.
"Can you just not… doubt me like that in front of others. I hear what you're saying… but I just don't know what to do with this. It almost sounds like an ultimatum of sorts coming from you..," Rory replied, making it intentionally sound a little worse than it was. It was because he needed that assurance.
"Well it's not," Logan pulled her close, and nudged the side of her cheek with his nose.
"And you promise you won't begin insisting I should become a SAHM?" Rory replied, her eyes already falling shut at the wonderful sensation Logan's kisses on her ear were causing.
"What's a SAHM?" Logan replied, feeling confused.
"You know… that I'd become some stay at home mom, I don't know… like your mom," Rory said.
That was a definite extinguisher to the tension that had been building within Logan, having just been tasting Rory's neck seconds ago.
""What?" Logan asked, taking a small step back.
"You know… when… or if we have a baby someday," Rory began to explain, hesitating a little saying that whole thing out loud. "…that you won't tell me to give up my job if I don't want to," she pleaded.
"Rory, come on…," Logan replied, almost wanting to roll his eyes. Had he wanted that he could've had that in Odette or a number of women her mother had tried to set him up with in the past fifteen years. But it was then it hit him - it sure sounded like she'd just said she wanted a baby with him, even if there was some understandable uncertainty in her tone on whether it'd happen. But it seemed to be what she saw, what she pictured for them. He didn't want to push his luck by asking about it, not right now at least.
"I'd never make you do something you don't want to do…," he assured, musing, "except maybe urge you to talk to me, when you don't feel like it."
Rory kissed him for that, not even needing words to show her love right now. That was crystal clear as it is.
"Come on, let's go back downstairs and enjoy the party…" Logan said, actually liking the prospect of slow-dancing with her. The playlist that had been echoing along the halls to Rory's classroom wasn't half bad.
"Sure, but one thing first," Rory said and binded their fingers in a way that showed off her ring, and snapped a picture with her phone.
She sent it to Logan and both posted it to everyone relevant, Rory assuming that Jess would see it on one of his professional accounts. She was holding her breath the most when it came to him, but she knew that there were bigger potential scandals that could start rolling out in Logan's former circles than hers. But still - it felt right doing it.
They stayed in her classroom for a few more minutes as the congratulations started rolling in, the most bubbly one of them coming from Honor, naturally.
It was in the middle of that, as Logan's phone rang. What was unexpected about that was the name caller ID - Ava. Just that, no last name. It was the way Logan hesitated to pick it up that caught Rory's attention.
Logan eventually declined the call, which frankly made Rory just for a second think about whether he had something to hide.
"Who's Ava?" Rory just had to ask.
"Oh she's no-one," Logan brushed it off, but realized himself that trying to claim something like that was sketchy as hell. It was not the relationship he wanted to have. He'd had exactly that the last two years with Odette.
Logan exhaled deeply.
"She's someone I met at the pound. She was there with one of those Shibas I told you about, and turns out her sister runs a kennel club. She said they usually have this pretty long waiting list, like years long, but she promised to put in a word for me, and let me know…, Logan began to explain.
"But why did you dismiss her then? It could've been a puppy," Rory said.
"I'll just call her back in the morning," Logan said. The time wasn't that late that it would've been inappropriate to call or call back even, but something in Logan told Rory there was more to it.
"Just text her then or something," Rory suggested.
"Fine," Logan said, picking up his phone again. "It's just that she was being a little flirty," he decided to be all up front about it. "Under the circumstances I humored her, minimally, but you know I didn't mean anything by it, right?" he said.
Rory actually felt kind of impressed that he'd told her that. It was a situation where he could've well not said a word, especially if it was nothing. She actually believed he wouldn't be chasing skirts, even without him saying anything. But she appreciated that he had.
"Just make sure she doesn't get any ideas, okay?" Rory said, in a lighter tone, and kissed her. After Logan had finished sending over the text, explaining out front that he was at a party and would call her tomorrow, Rory dragged him out of the classroom, turning off the lights after her, feeling like they'd been AWOL from the party long enough for people to start to gossip about their possible whereabouts.
Her own phone was still pinging with congratulations - people she hadn't heard from in years reaching out and sending their best wishes.
As they made it back to the ceremony hall, the lights were lit dimly and the game part of the evening was over. People were dancing, the more energetic music switching to slow as they stepped into the room. She and Him played 'The Christmas Waltz' - simple, not too stereotypical and still very much romantic, as Logan wrapped his arms around her waist, and her around her neck, just like years ago when they'd danced for the first time, exchanging intimate, wordless, smiles.
