June 12th, 1999
Charlotte jumped out of her truck and ran toward the barn. She could hear screaming and banging coming from inside.
Tom stepped out the door and put his hands up to stop her. "Don't go in there, mom."
"Tom, step aside. I am going to talk to my son."
"Mom, please. He's crazy right now."
"Tom, move!" Charlotte yelled.
Tom stepped aside, let his mom pass, then followed her in.
Once she was inside the barn, Charlotte could see why Tom hadn't wanted her to go in. The door to the feed room was smashed in, trophies were busted up and strewn all across the alley floor, saddles and bridles had been thrown everywhere, hay bales ripped open and hay thrown from one end of the barn to the other.
Charlotte couldn't hear him yelling at the moment and slowly walked down the alley, peering into each open stall for a glimpse of her son. At the fifth stall, she could see Jack bent over, his hands on his knees, leaning against the wall. He was trying to catch his breath.
He looked up and saw her and began yelling again. "Go away, ma! I don't need you here!"
"Jack Ashton Thornton. I don't care how upset you are, you will not speak to your mother like that!"
"Get out, ma! Get out!" Jack ran out of the stall and toward the tack room. He began picking up photos and anything he could find and threw them against the wall. Glass shattered and scattered all over the floor.
Charlotte stepped into the room; she was crying now. "Jack, please stop. Why are you doing this? This will not bring your father back."
Jack stopped and stared at her for a moment. "Don't you think I know that? Nothing will bring him back! He's gone because of me!"
"What do you mean? It's not your fault."
"Yes, it is! I didn't try hard enough!" Jack picked up a hammer and heaved it at the window, shattering it.
"Didn't try hard enough to do what?" Charlotte took a step towards him with her hands up in front of her.
"To stop him!" Jack's face was stained with dirt and tears, his eyes red and puffy.
…..
June 12th, 2009
"Have you heard from Jack today?" Lee asked Elizabeth as he climbed out of his truck.
"No. Why?" Elizabeth was sitting on the tailgate of Rosie's truck, watching her practice barrels in her arena.
"Today is the anniversary of his father's death. Jack has never handled this day well in the past." Lee turned back toward his truck. "I'm going to go check on him."
"I'm going with you, Lee. Hold on, I'm going to let Rosie know."
….
They pulled up in front of Jack's house, his truck was parked in its normal spot.
Lee started to get out then stopped, "You should probably wait here, Beth."
"Why?"
"Jack..well...Jack has probably been drinking and I'm not sure what else he's done in there."
"Lee, I am going with you." Elizabeth swung her door open, jumped out, and ran up the steps to the front door.
Lee was right beside her and pounded on the door. "Jack!" He knocked again. "Jack, are you in there?" Lee stepped to the side and peered through the window. "I can't see him but I can see rodeo videos playing on the TV. Lee tried the door to find it locked. "I'm going to run around to the back door and see if it's open. Wait here."
Lee disappeared around the corner of the house, and a few minutes later, Elizabeth heard the front door unlock. The door opened and Lee motioned for her to come in.
In the living room, Jack was sitting on the floor, his back against the couch. Three beer bottles were scattered across the top of the coffee table, and an opened bottle of whiskey sat on the floor next to Jack. He was holding a glass tumbler in his hand, half full. He took a sip of it as he stared at the TV.
Elizabeth stayed back and watched as Lee walked up to Jack and knelt down beside him. He laid his hand on his shoulder and Jack turned his head to look at him. Jack's face was stained with tears.
"I didn't stop him." Jack cried. "Why didn't I stop him?"
"Jack, you tried."
"I didn't try hard enough." Jack looked back at the TV, tears flowing.
"There is nothing you could have said to stop your dad from getting on that bull. Nothing. If I had told you not to ride, would you have listened to me?" Lee asked him.
Jack turned his head back to Lee and shook his head. "But I was his son."
"It doesn't matter, Jack. He was going to ride no matter what. This is not your fault."
Jack took another drink from his glass, then set it on the table. He started watching the video of his father riding again.
Elizabeth walked up to the table and picked up the remote. She pointed it at the TV and turned it off.
"Hey..." Jack began to yell, turned to see Elizabeth and stopped. "Beth. Why are you here?"
"I was worried about you, Jack. I came to make sure you were alright."
"I don't want you to see me like this, Beth." Jack turned so his back was facing her.
"Jack, she's here for the same reason that I am."
Jack looked at Lee, still kneeling beside him, and began to sob uncontrollably. Lee wrapped his arms around him and held him tight, unsuccessfully trying to console him.
A large lump formed in Elizabeth's throat and she could feel her own tears beginning to flow. She turned and ran into the kitchen so Jack wouldn't see her crying. After staring out the window for a brief moment, she opened the refrigerator door and began to search for something to make for them all to eat. She was pretty sure that Jack hadn't eaten anything that day.
When she was finished putting together the last sandwich, she joined Jack and Lee in the living room, where they were now sitting on the couch. Jack had his elbows resting on his knees, his head down, rubbing the back of it with his hand. Lee was sitting sideways, facing Jack. Neither of them speaking.
"I made some lunch if anyone's hungry." Elizabeth said to break the silence.
Jack looked up at Elizabeth, his eyes were red and swollen. He forced a half smile, then stood and walked to her. He gave her forearm a simple squeeze as he walked past her and into the kitchen.
Lee followed, put his arm around Elizabeth, and led her in with them. "He'll be fine," he whispered to her.
The three sat around the island and ate in silence, Lee and Elizabeth watching Jack closely. After only a few bites, Jack began to pick at his sandwich, pulling pieces of the bread off and tossing them onto the plate.
Elizabeth stood and walked around the island, taking the seat next to Jack. She laid her hand on his forearm, and he turned his head to look at her, then back down at the plate.
"Jack, I can't begin to say that I know what you're going through, but I do know that you don't need to do it alone."
Jack quickly looked back at her, not saying anything.
"We're here, Jack." She motioned to herself and Lee. "Your mom and Tom are there for you."
"She's right, Jack. We're all here for you," Lee added.
Jack placed his hand on top of hers that was still resting on his forearm, and nodded slightly, looking down at the bread.
Elizabeth continued, "We're not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere." She felt Jack squeeze her hand. "We're here for you, Jack. God is here for you."
Jack's eyes narrowed slightly as he looked back up into her eyes.
"I know you don't believe that, Jack. But it's true just the same. I pray for you everyday."
Jack stood and took his plate to the sink. He pressed his hands onto the counter, his gaze down. "I'm going to go take a shower," Jack said as he turned and left the two sitting in the kitchen.
Lee and Elizabeth looked at one another as Jack walked up the steps.
"He'll be okay, Elizabeth."
"He doesn't look okay right now."
Lee pushed his plate away. "Believe me. This is progress. He's never been this mellow on this anniversary. Normally we can't get near him. He was filled with so much anger, and then drunk on top of it. That's why I didn't want you coming in." Lee shook his head. "But this? This is great, Beth. This is big. He only drank half of what he'd normally have done by now. And then to just be sitting there, watching the videos...this is a huge step forward for him."
Lee and Elizabeth remained in the kitchen and visited while Jack showered. The dishes were done and put away by the time Jack returned. He pulled the stool out next to Elizabeth and sat down. Elizabeth's arms were resting on the countertop and Jack covered her hand with his.
"I just want to tell you both, thank you." Jack looked down as he spoke, his words slow and deliberate.
Elizabeth laid her free hand on top of Jack's. "Of course, Jack. I hope you know that we're here for you."
Jack looked at Elizabeth and nodded. "I do."
"Hey, Jacko. How about we get some fresh air and go outside."
Jack nodded and the three went out and sat in the chairs along the porch.
…..
June 18th, 2009 – Sunnyspring Counseling
"Hello, Jack. I missed you last week." Dr. Harban said as Jack sat down.
"Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't do it."
"Can you tell me why?"
Jack leaned back in the sofa and crossed his leg. He pulled at a string that hung off the seam of his worn leather boot. "Friday was the 11th anniversary of my father's death."
"Did you do anything special, like spend time with your family?"
"No, I did what I always do on the anniversary."
"And what would that be?"
"Get drunk."
"I thought we were trying to find other ways for you to cope with your grief."
"I know. I just didn't have it in me that day."
"Jack, you can't keep using that as an excuse not to change your habits."
Jack sat quietly and listened.
"You are the one person who can change you. You have to put in the effort. No one can do it for you. All I can do is listen, and trying to give you the correct tools to work through your grief. But if you aren't willing to put in the work, then nothing is going to change."
"I know."
"Do you?"
"Yes, I know. I want to do the work. I want to change."
"Then you can't keep making excuses, Jack."
"Okay."
"What else has been going on in your life?"
"My birthday was last weekend. Elizabeth and two of my friends came over to my mother's house for a cookout. My brother and his family were there too."
"How was it? How did you feel about seeing Elizabeth again?"
"I was very nervous to see her. I've never been nervous to see a woman before. As soon as I saw her, I felt...at peace. I had a great time with my family, it was very relaxing."
"That's good, Jack. It's a good idea to surround yourself with family and good friends."
"My mom and Tom are going to my father's grave for Father's Day. They do it every year."
"And do you join them?"
"No."
"Why don't you?"
"I didn't go to my father's funeral because I couldn't handle it. And each year that passed, I couldn't bring myself to go. It got to the point that it had been so long, and I never went, it was like...what's the point now?"
"Jack, I'm going to ask you something and I need you to be honest."
"Alright."
"Have you ever said goodbye to your father?"
Jack sat in silence, a sudden awareness coming to light. "No, I haven't."
"I want you to seriously think about going to your father's grave with your family. You need to talk to him, tell him how you're feeling, tell him goodbye. Write it all in a letter ahead of time if you need to and read it to him. Go a little early if you need to, so you can have some alone time. Have you ever tried or thought of journaling?"
"Elizabeth gave me a journal for my birthday."
"That's perfect. I'd like you to give it a try. It can be as simple as one word, one sentence, one paragraph. Draw a picture of what you're feeling if that works better for you. Write a poem or a song. But take some time to yourself and find what works for you."
…..
June 19th, 2009 – New Castle, New Hampshire
Elizabeth stepped off the plane and made her way down the jetway. She looked out the windows as she walked through the airport, smiling at the familiar landscape. She was only going to be there a few days, so she'd been able to fit everything in her carryon.
As she neared security, she could see her sister, toddler in tow, arm stretched into the air, jumping up and down, waving at her.
Elizabeth's smile grew larger.
The crowd parted in front of her and her parents, Grace and William, came in to view. She raised her own arm and waved back, walking a little faster.
"Mom, Dad," she waved again. "Hi, Julie." As soon as she stepped into the common area, she hugged her mom, then dad, then Julie and Skylar.
Once in the car, they began to talk non-stop. Topics such as Elizabeth's school, Skylar, Viola and her dad's law firm were all addressed on the long drive home. It had been six months since she'd been home; her last trip being over Christmas break, but she could only think about how Jack was doing.
She was back at her parent's house and settled into her old room. She looked around it, nothing had changed. Her lacrosse trophies still lined across the top of her bookshelf, art awards hung on the wall, and her favorite childhood teddy bear still sat at the head of her bed. Elizabeth picked it up, ran her hands across its face, then held it against her chest and sat on the bed.
She pulled her phone from her pocket and sent Rosie a text, letting her know that she made safely home. The she pulled up Jack's name, thought of calling, then decided to just send him a text, letting him know that she made it.
The Thatchers spent the evening on their spacious back deck. Elizabeth took in a deep breath of the warm, salty air. She closed her eyes and listened to the sounds surrounding her, bringing her back to that feeling of home. The song of a sea gull could be heard as one flew nearby. The slow rhythm of the ocean waves rolling in had always been a calming sound to Elizabeth.
Julie leaned toward her sister. "Are you thinking of Jack?" She whispered.
Elizabeth snapped her head toward her sister to find her grinning at her. "No," she answered with the warning look of wide eyes.
"When are you going to tell them?"
"I don't know. I don't know that there's anything to tell them yet."
"Beth, I can see in your eyes when you talk about him, that you care for this guy."
Elizabeth turned in her seat and took her sister's hands in hers. "I do, Jules. I don't know how to explain it, but he grabbed my heart the moment I met him. And I don't get it. He's so messed up right now. If he can't get his life straightened out, there won't be an "us," and that breaks my heart."
"What are you girls whispering about over there?" Grace asked.
"Oh, nothing mom. Just catching up." Julie answered as she leaned back into her chair, winking at Elizabeth.
…..
June 21st, 2009 – Father's Day, Highland Park Cemetery
Jack walked up to the headstone that read Thomas Thornton and removed his hat. He ran his hand along the top of rough granite before sitting in the grass next to it. He pulled a folded piece of notebook paper from his pocket, and hesitated to unfold it as he stared at his father's name.
"Hi, dad. Happy Father's Day." A lone tear ran down Jack's cheek. "I'm sorry I haven't been here before now." He looked back at the paper and unfolded it, his hands shaking. "I wrote you something, dad, and I'd like to read it to you." Jack looked at his own handwriting on the paper, then read it aloud.
Dear Dad,
I'm not sure how to start this. I miss you so much. I am struggling, Dad. I have been so angry at you for not listening to me that day. I have been so angry at myself for not trying harder to stop you. I needed you, but you left me. I still need you. My heart aches everyday knowing that you will never see me ride again, win again. You'll never see me get married or have a family. And you'll never be there again for me to come to for advice.
I'm so sorry, Dad. I'm sorry for the disappointment that I've turned into. I'm sorry for not being there for mom and Tom like I should have. I'm sorry for not keeping the Thornton name as an honorable one like you did. I'm sorry for not trying harder that day to stop you.
After you died, it took over a year before I competed again, chasing those titles. But Dad, I made some mistakes. I made bad choices and ones that would not make you proud. I have finally decided to seek help from a therapist, and I'm beginning to feel as if I just might be alright. I am trying hard to move on from your death. But in doing so, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'll forget about you. I'm afraid that if I stop seeing that horrible day in my mind, then I'll stop seeing you. You've been gone so long, and yet it feels like yesterday that you were bragging to your friends about me.
I still haven't reached my goal of three world championships like you. I've gotten two of them though. But it seems that the harder I try for the third one, the further away I get. I get the feeling that I might be losing some on purpose, without realizing. Like, if I win, I'll lose that connection that I have with you. That, as long as I have this goal to reach, you'll always be there, waiting. But if I win, there will be no need for you to be around. Oh, how I wish you were around.
I've met someone, Dad. And she is something special. You would love her. I think I love her. I've never met anyone like her before, and I don't want to lose her. I miss you, dad. I'll always love you. I'm going to be the son you raised me to be.
I've never wanted to say this to you, but I need to. Goodbye, Dad.
Forever, your loving son,
Jack
He folded the paper into a small square, then pulled his pocket knife out, flipped out the blade, and dug up a section of the grass. He placed the letter into the small hole and replaced the grass on top, securing it in its hiding spot. He was sitting on the ground, with his hand over the place of the letter, when Tom and Charlotte walked up behind him.
"Hello, son." Charlotte said, placing her hand on Jack's shoulder.
Startled, Jack jumped slightly. He stood and hugged his mother. "Hi, ma." He stepped to Tom and hugged him, "Hey, little brother."
"Hey, Jack. Good to see you here," Tom replied.
The trio stood, arm in arm, with Charlotte in the middle, staring at the headstone.
Charlotte stepped forward and laid a single red rose on top of the stone, kissed her hand and pressed it against his name. "I love you, Thomas. I miss you."
Tom brought four cans of Michelob, his dad's favorite beer, and set one on the concrete base next to the headstone. He handed one to Jack and one to his mother, the three popped their cans open. "Here's to you, pop," Tom said as each of them held their cans up in a toast, then took a sip.
The grey clouds in the sky opened up and a gentle rain began to fall. Jack and Tom, both, wrapped their arms across their mother's shoulders to keep some of the rain off of her.
They each said goodbye, turned and walked back to their cars, the boys still shielding their mom from the rain.
…..
June 23rd, 2009 – Hope Meadows Ranch
Jack walked back into the house after working with a few horses, including Delilah, who was coming along nicely.
He removed his dirty boots with the bootjack, then washed his hands in the small half-bath just inside his back door. After grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge, Jack took a seat on his couch and propped his feet on top of the coffee table. As he reached over to set the bottle on the coaster on the side table, he noticed the box that held the journal that Elizabeth had given him.
He picked up the box and removed the journal. He hadn't noticed on his birthday, but there was also a pencil laying in the box. He picked it up and tossed the empty box on the couch next to him.
He opened the book to the first page, still blank. He stared at the stark white page, staring back at him in a mocking manner. He put the pencil to the paper and wrote three words, I'm sorry, dad. Jack had felt a weight lifted when he'd written the letter to his dad and read it to him, but something about seeing these three words on a page by themselves, really struck Jack in a stronger way.
He shook his head, narrowed his eyes, and stared at the words. He drew in a quick, deep breath and let it out. Turning to the next page, he put the pencil back to the paper and wrote, I want to be me again. Tears began to sting Jack's eyes as he read and reread those words. Shaking his head again in disbelief, he turned to the next page, began to move his pencil to the page and stopped in shock.
Something was already written there and Jack slowly read it.
It's hard to turn the page when you know someone won't be in the next chapter, but the story must go on. ~Thomas Wilder
It had been handwritten in the book, obviously by Elizabeth. He stared at the words, letting them soak in. They hit Jack to the core and it took everything in him to fight off the tears.
Jack began thumbing through, checking for more. Several pages further, he found another one.
Silence the lies of your scars. Listen instead to the story told by the scars of Jesus. ~ Tessa Afshar
Jack began to quicken his searches, stopping on each page that had already been filled in Elizabeth's handwriting; each one affecting him in a different way.
We can find hope in the space between the life we've planned and the one we are living.
And another, this one much longer.
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. ~I Corinthians 10:13
Jack paused on this entry, reading through it many times, trying to understand it. One section held Jack's attention. He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. Jack read over this several times before looking for more entries from Elizabeth.
The next one he found wasn't words, but a drawing. A drawing of him and Harley. He stared at it in amazement at the details she'd been able to capture with a simple pencil. He was standing at Harley's head with his hand over the horse's eye. This was one of Jack's favorite things to do to his horses as it soothed them and Jack loved to watched their eyes soften.
He flipped through several more blank pages before stopping at another entry.
I will wait for you. ~Elizabeth
Jack paused and ran his fingers along the inked words, tears stinging his eyes once more.
