Chapter 87

December 22nd, 2021

The plane would've been the easier option this time of year probably. But since Rory had been a little late planning this thing all they were left with was the crowded ferry. It had its benefits too, being able to bring her own car.

The crowd on the ferry was a little too jolly, if there could be such a thing for a Christmas-loving Gilmore girl, and Rory had wrapped Em up in the spare blanket that they'd brought, the same one Logan had had in his car before, and walked out through the automated door to the very chilly and very windy outside deck.

Rory was never much for cold or wind, but it was an experience on its own, and not really knowing when she'd be back, not knowing how painful it'd really be to be back, she wasn't sure how many more of these chances she was going to get. Experiencing the cold and wind was a part of experiencing Nantucket, even if in the summer the composition was less shocking to the system.

The ocean wind was like a primal raw scream, for a moment making it difficult to breathe as the little ice needles blew against the cheeks. But it was that wind that had once helped Rory a great deal. In this wind one really thought of felt very little else.

"Come over here, baby," Rory pulled Em to a quiet corner, away from the blasting wind, realizing that while to her the wind was something bitter-sweet from the past, to Em it might actually feel a little scary.

Logan wasn't with them for the moment, having gone to get something from the souvenir shop. Some inside joke with his sister apparently, and Rory hadn't really thought twice about it. The store, just like the cafeteria, had long queues, a lot of people wanting to get to the island for the holidays.

"I used to love to come up here every time I went to visit great-grandma," Rory said, crouching down next to Em. The 11 months that she'd had the chance to visit her there, never before having time for something like that, had felt much longer than it had been.

"Great-gramma with my name?" Em asked.

"Yes," Rory said in a slight sniffle, the cold wind being a good excuse to fight a tear.

Em, naturally, knew that she'd gotten her name after her great grandmother, though having never met the woman the concept was a little fuzzy. She'd gotten the general story that they were going to visit a place where Rory hadn't been in a long time. She'd gotten the explanation that this year they were going to make Christmas an adventure and that she'd get to go to the beach. But the girl only really cared about Christmas itself, not so much where they spent it. Even telling her that Logan was joining them hadn't gotten much of a response, especially after saying that Jess was coming by Christmas morning as well which had made the girl notably happy. Why wouldn't it?

They talked a little about what they could see from the boat, Rory pointing out both the Monomoy and the Great Point Lighthouses, and discussed the vast ocean stretching out in front of them. Rory told the girl how before there were airplanes people used to travel for weeks and months to go travel anywhere.

For the first time in years, Rory felt how she wanted to show Em the world. It was almost like she hadn't wanted to do or go much anywhere, it taking either her mother's or Paris' lead to go to places. Very first place on her list was London - it's little book shops, quirky corner pubs, cabs - now the negative weight was lifted from the place in considerable amount. She didn't know if Logan would want to, but she didn't think of herself as tied to Logan in that way that it would stop her from going with Em. What mattered was that she no longer needed to worry about running into him on the streets of London by accident.

After they'd slipped back inside the ferry, the warmth of the inside felt almost suffocating in comparison. But one got used to it pretty soon. The stereo blasted John Legend's and Stevie Wonder's 'What Christmas Means to Me' and it almost looked like it made a lot of people smile more broadly than they normally did.

"Mommy?" Em asked, as they began to take the stairs down to the floor where they were supposed to meet up with Logan, at a quite inconvenient location with a lot of people around them.

Rory almost expected the question to contain the word 'bathroom'.

"What happens after you marry Logan?" she asked, calling Rory to a screeching halt in the middle of the busy stairway. Had she even heard her correctly?

"Sorry," Rory mumbled to a couple of people passing them.

The girl certainly didn't have the best timing.

"Come on, let's go talk somewhere where we're not on the way, honey," Rory suggested, taking the little girl's hand.

It really wasn't that easy to find a quieter spot inside, but she settled at a corner, positioning Em to sit on a windowsill in front of her so that she was almost at her own level. She almost sensed the urgency in addressing this question, knowing the girl's attention span was brief and if left too long she might end up feeling like her question was dismissed.

"Well, when Logan and I get married we're first going to have a wedding, and you can be the flower girl. You'll get a pretty dress and everything," Rory began, having lost some of the exact wording of Em's question in the bustle of people. Everything she'd read about talking to kids about this had suggested focusing on the practical, especially the things little girls tended to like. Surely she'd want to be a part of the wedding?

"Yeah, but what's going to happen after?" Em emphasized.

"Do you mean like where are we going to live?" Rory asked, being a little unsure about what she was worried about.

Em shrugged.

"I told you we might need a bigger place, right? But I think we might…if we find a nice place, something that you'll like too… Maybe we could even move before that?" Rory suggested, hesitantly and desperate for her approval.

"But what about daddy?" the little girl inquired.

"What about daddy?" Rory didn't quite follow. In fact, they'd had a discussion already about how daddy would always be her daddy and that Jess wouldn't be less important to Rory in that way. Jess would always be Em's father. "He's still your daddy, Logan will be like… mommy's really good friend that lives with us. You can do all kinds of things with him too but you'll still have your daddy, nothing will change in that sense," Rory explained, and realized as she'd said it that there really was not a whole lot of changes she could do with her life when the location was concerned just for that reason. Seeing Jess couldn't become some long and tedious journey just because she felt some rebellion. Sure, if it ever came to it, but not out of spite for Luke or to escape people's disapproval. She would just have to deal, prove them wrong. She was pretty sure that this was also the reason why Luke and Lorelai weren't joining them, that it wasn't just about the loss of Emily still feeling too fresh for Lorelai to visit.

"Do I have to call Logan daddy?" Em asked, her face showing well the conflict in her.

"Oh no, sweetie. You don't have to do that," Rory assured, shaking her head. "You can call him Logan, or whatever… you can even come up with a nickname if you want," she continued, smiling friendlily.

"Okay," Em sighed, most possibly with relief.

It was strange how something so simple, so seemingly insignificant to an adult, had apparently weighed on a child.

"I know this is all a lot, it's all new…we'll talk a lot and we'll figure it out, okay?" Rory assured. "I really hope that you learn to like him…," Rory explained, unsure whether this was beyond the girl.

"I like him," Em replied. "But I like daddy more," she added a few seconds later.

"And that's okay," Rory assured, Em's former line still echoing in her brain. She felt ridiculously happy at the thought. "You know I'll always love you the most, right?" Rory added, and hugged her little girl.

"I love you too, mommy," Em said, as Rory observed Logan giving them their space from further away, having spotted them, a small gift shop bag in his hand.

June 20th, 2017

"Rory, you look wonderful!" Emily exclaimed in a tone so lovable that Rory was used to hearing from her mouth only when Emily was up to something. But it was an old, almost dodging, reaction, one that hadn't equaled a Yale male meatmarket or some other scheme in more than a decade. The feeling of panic passed in an instant, seeing Emily walk over, dressed in a relaxed kimono. Her outfit was topped off with white tennis shoes, one of Rory's favorite additions on her grandmother.

While many thought Emily's change of character was just due to Richard's passing, Rory had noted changes already before. Little by little, she'd started asking questions not based on her position but exploring what others thought and wanted, and instead of imposing her views on other's she'd just listen. At least a lot more than before. At least with her.

Emily was a lot more approachable too since she'd been in Nantucket, hence as Rory stepped through the door of the Sandcastle, her weekend bag in hand, the gentle hug felt truly like arriving somewhere safe, her baby bump making them reach out a little.

Rory's mother's house hadn't felt like a true home in a while now - something about Luke living there and all the changes that had taken place in her room - it was still home, it just didn't feel the same. Rory had nothing against Luke, it wasn't about that. But it was about being tired. And out here - she actually felt like this was the place to be. Maybe what she felt was similar to what her grandmother felt? Like she was tired and this was a place of rest, of peace.

The place had a distinct smell, vanilla, lavender, salt and something she couldn't quite place. It was a smell of freedom in a way, at least that was what it represented. Independence, self-realization, even financial freedom. And most importantly - not giving a fuck. She could only hope it'd rub off on her.


December 22nd, 2021

It was an hour later, after a quick stop at the local bakery for some pastries, a few pasta salads and beverages for lunch, as they made it to the Sandcastle. The house was located on the North side of the island between Dionis and Washing Pond Beach.

There wasn't much snow, just a light sprinkle, sand and snow mixing at the sides of the house. The house still looked good, even if a little abandoned.

Rory, however, hadn't expected the time-machine effect of arriving there. The car was the same, the place looked the same…but it wasn't.

As the door opened the scent was still there, though vaguer, but the fact that there was no greeting hit her harder than she'd imagined. She could almost hear her grandmother.

Logan saw her swallow hard, fighting a reaction that she hadn't wanted to experience, not with Em right there, and not as the first thing.

"Hey, Em?" You want to go look for your room?" Logan suggested, realizing Rory needed a moment.

"Okay!" Em cheered excitedly, pusing off her snow boots, and already made her way up the stairs. Strangely enough, she didn't seem scared of the new place at all. Rory liked to think that maybe she sensed what she did - the good energy her grandmother had claimed the place had.

Logan stroked Rory's back gently and followed Em, having discussed it earlier during the drive which room was supposed to be Em's. Surely he could help her find it.

"Thanks," Rory whispered, lovingly. He was exactly what she needed right now.


AN: I'm having something crazy ongoing at work atm, so there might be a bit of radio silence if I don't get a chance to write. Need all the encouragement you can give me though as it's very likely I'll be in a very deep dark 'work-created' black hole emotionally by tomorrow.