Like Waiting on Your Train to Come
Chapter Five: Reckless Abandon
Meg came home from a tiring day at school. It had been a stressful, awkward two months. Not only had she had to adjust to public school, homework, and all of the people, but she had adapted to being Ray's girlfriend. They both had crowded schedules, Meg with her after school classes and Ray with his band. But he was steadfast and she was steadfast. Meg couldn't complain about her relationship.
She fazed into her room, and set her book bag down as she fell onto her bed. She was so tired for some reason… with a sigh she closed her eyes. A nap seemed like a good idea. She could do her English homework later…
Ray came home with a light skip to his step, having run by the café to check his hours. He wouldn't have to work until Thursday, which was fine by him. He whistled as he parked his bike and went into the Institute, diving in to avoid Rahne as she chased after Sam. Ray shook his head, but as he turned, he saw Ororo walking over with a small smirk on her face.
"Ah, Ray! Glad you came home at this time," she said.
"Uh, well I didn't have to work so…" Ray said uneasily, wary of his mentor suddenly.
"Well, I'll be frank," Ororo said; "Based on your recent deviancy, I've decided to run a few… trial runs, to explore your capabilities."
"Uh, I'd love to, Missus O," Ray said, laughing half-heartedly "But you see I've got all this homework and…!"
"Oh come now, homework?" one elegant white eyebrow arched and Ray knew that that excuse wouldn't fly.
Ororo smiled as Ray sighed in defeat; "Wonderful!" she said, clapping her hands; "Suit up and meet me in five!"
As she walked away, Ray ran a hand down his face, groaning; "I'm gonna hate this later…"
"I HATE THIS!"
Ray shouted as he fell to the hard floor, having dodged another orb of lightening. He looked around the rocky outcrop, noting the ledge not ten feet away. Quickly he jumped to his feet and popped his knuckles. He looked up and saw a shadow shoot across the skyline. He gritted his teeth, and somehow managed to pop his shoulders, and his back, in one fluid motion. He jumped as the shadow darted above him again, throwing his hand up. Electric bolts traced over his skin and reached out into the air at the object. They latched on and Ray winced as fresh energy coursed through him. He was instantly dragged along, caught up in the air by his attacker. Ray released himself from the blots, and threw his other hand out, this time getting him higher and closer. He repeated this, but as he was about to touch the cool metal underbelly, he looked ahead and…
SMACK!
Ray slammed into a rocky formation that had decided to pop up at the most ironic moment possible. His bolts of electricity died with his lack of focus, and he fell to land on a ledge. Groaning he rolled over, and angrily slammed his fist down on the ground as the rocky ground became a cool metal floor with the end of the simulation.
Static echoed around the Danger Room, and then Ororo's voice came over the intercom; "Well done, Berzerker, though I would have hoped you had more focus."
Sitting up Ray mocked her under his breath. He rose and took a sharp intake of breath as pain exploded from his shoulder. Instantly his hand went to it.
"Need me to look at that, Ray?" Hank's worried voice came loud and clear.
"Nah, just let me outta here!" Ray said jokingly, and he whipped around as the doors slid open upon his request.
Ororo and Hank watched as the young mutant left, then Ororo sighed; "He's gained a lot of power since we last evaluated him."
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Hank said as he spun around in a spinning chair.
"It's not necessarily a bad thing," Ororo said; "It's just… I think it's causing an imbalance."
"Oh?" Hank stopped, staring at Ororo, eager to hear what she had arrived to.
"Well, he's become more prone to rebellion," Ororo quipped; "He's quick to anger…"
"He's a pubescent male teenager," Hank said; "Trust me, this is normal."
"Yes, I understand that," Ororo said; "Scott went through a phase like this, but not so…so…" she couldn't find the right word.
Hank sighed and got up; "Ororo, I'll give the boy a physical. But trust me, with his background and his disposition, this is completely expected."
Ray made his way from the bathroom, having showered and redressed. He ran his fingers through his damp, un-gelled hair. Passing a mirror he stopped to look at himself. Wearing only a black beater and ripped jeans, he seemed fairly decent. But beneath the beater was a large bruise from the training exercise, and he had a scar on his temple from his fight with Duncan. His hair fell around his eyes, he really couldn't see all that well. He was a bona-fide mess. Ray snorted indignantly, and continued on.
As he rounded the corner, he saw Jubilee and Bobby talking in the hall. Falling back, Ray kneeled and peered around. Jubilee was laughing, her hand touching Bobby's arm. Ray rolled his eyes, and then popped his knuckles. He froze to see if the sound distracted them, but the teens were oblivious. With a small snicker, Ray reached down and quickly rubbed his hands against the carpet. Soon, static electricity gathered, and he sent it straight towards the couple.
Jubilee screamed and Bobby shouted as they were both shocked, though Bobby's wasn't as bad because he was wearing tennis shoes. Jubilee was barefoot, however, and Ray was sure he had blistered her feet. She squealed and toppled over in pain, Bobby quick to aid her.
"BERZERKER!" Jubilee shrieked angrily, and Ray's eyes widened as Bobby jerked his head and caught him.
Scrambling to his feet Ray shot off, with Bobby soon on his heels; "You'll pay for that, Crisp!" he shouted.
"Aww, did I ruin the moment?" Ray asked innocently as he rounded a corner.
Ray darted into the first open room and hid behind the door. He froze and heard Bobby rush past, calling his name. Ray crawled to the other side of the room and hid on the other side of a bed. Only when he took the moment to calm down did he realize what room he was in.
Lying on the bed was Meg, curled up and looking distraught in her slumber. Worriedly, Ray watched her. She would move sometimes, her eyes would wander around beneath their lids… Ray slowly reached out to touch her gingerly, but he fell back when she suddenly screamed. Getting up Ray sat down beside her, panicking as she rolled over and thrashed about.
"Meg? Meg!" Ray said loudly, trying to take hold of her hands.
"No, stay away from me!" she shrieked hoarsely; "Don't hurt me!"
Ray grabbed her wrists and held them together. Meg cried out and tried to escape him; "I'm not different!" She cried as tears slowly came to surface on her face; "Please, let me go! Don't hurt me!"
"Shh, shh!" Ray said, embracing her; "I won't hurt you."
She beat against him, and then suddenly went slack. Worriedly Ray laid her back down, and saw her coming to. "Thank god!" Ray gasped, smiling as she opened her eyes.
"What in-the Hail r'you doin' in here?" Meg asked, sitting up so Ray had to sit back.
Ray frowned; "Well, you were freaking out a second ago," he said, "And obviously I was worried and got you up."
"Freaking out?" Meg asked, coughing.
"Yeah, as in, living a nightmare?" Ray quipped; "'Don't hurt me', 'I'm not different'… that ring a bell?"
Meg looked away, and then down in embarrassment; "Really?" she asked, looking at Ray. He nodded, and she sighed; "Not again!" she groaned, covering her face with her hands.
Ray studied her for a moment; "Hey," he said, nudging her. Then, he took her hands in his; "Wanna talk about it?"
Meg shook her head; "No, it's just a stupid nightmare," she said, smiling at him; "You wanna know something?"
"What?" Ray asked.
"Ya hair looks so silly righ' now," Meg said, giggling as she ran her hand back through his hair.
"Hey now!" Ray exclaimed, catching her hands and causing them to both fall back, Meg on top of him; "Oops! How awkward!" Ray said innocently.
Meg giggled, smiling as Ray release her hands; "Hey Ray…" she whispered, hands splayed against his chest.
"Yeah?" Ray asked quietly, while at the same time fighting so many teenage urges.
"You got anywhere to go this Christmas?"
"Nope…" Ray said with a sigh; "Why?"
"Come South wit' me, then," Meg said.
"Really? I dunno," Ray said; "Think it's too early for me to be meetin' the parents?"
Meg shrugged; "You think that?"
Ray didn't answer. He didn't know, he'd never had a relationship last so long as this one. "Well," Meg said; "What could it hurt? Y' ain't got nothin' else t' do 'round here."
"True," Ray said, nodding; "Why not? Could be fun. But," he sat up; If you try and convert me into some hick, I will get you."
Meg giggled; "Well baby, you bin wit' me fer so long, people already think y'are!"
It was two days until school would be let out. Two measly days that couldn't seem to end. Ray sat in his geography class, listening to the agonizing drone of his teacher. He let his gaze wander from the board to the window, fogged from the breaths of twenty students but still see-through. He watched cars dart by, tried to count snowflakes but couldn't focus long enough to get past twenty. There was just nothing to do.
And Meg was sick at the institute. She had come down with a bad cough, most likely a strain of the flu, Hank had deduced. She'd been sick for three days. Ray hadn't really been able to do anything about it; she slept most of the days away. Not that his life revolved around her…
A note hitting the side of his head brought him out of his spacey trance. Looking he saw it had been Kitty who had sent it, from a row ahead and two seats right. He unfolded it, read, and then replied.
Hey. Gonna make it?
Fuck off.
He'd never liked her, her or Jubilee for that matter. They both delighted in petty chit-chat, which he could feel coming by how she had just decided to right a note to him. When he sent the note back, she gasped, glared at him, and then replied.
That's not nice! And when I was concerned about you!
Not like I asked or anything.
What, can't accept anything other than hostility?
Like I said before, FUCK OFF.
Whatever. Look, Sam wanted to tell you that Logan fumigated the rooms. You and him are crashing in the rec room.
And this matters now because…?
We all know your "get to home, get to room" routine. Didn't want you dying…
Sure.
When she sent it back, he didn't bother to read it. He merely crumbled it up. Ray was in no mood to parley with her.
Finally the bell rang, and the school day was over. Ray joined Nate and they worked on until seven. Even through the cold, Ray decided to walk. Keeping his coat tight around him, the tail of his apron billowed in the gale, caught through the belt loop of his jeans. He was heading home, but he had one more stop to make.
The Alley of his familiar escapes and ventures loomed into view. Turning into it, he found the manhole cover loose, ever-waiting. He removed it, climbed down the shaft, and sealed himself within. Thrown into darkness, he through caution to the wind and dropped down. His hand became alight with bolts of electricity, casting a yellow, pallid light on his surroundings. He ignored the musty, rank odor of the sewers, accustomed, and unfazed by them.
He began the quiet walk down the tunnel, opposite the flow of waste. The panel he walked across thinned and widened with time and place. Twice he had to dodge small waterfalls. Eventually, he came to a place where the grating Topside let light filter in. Retracting the bolts, Ray stuffed his hands in his pockets, and stared down the new passage way. He saw familiar boots sticking out of a tunnel. Slowly, they touched the ground, followed by legs, and then, the remainder of a female form.
Callisto.
She stared at him with her one eyes, her eyebrow curved with her glare. She could see him as if they were out in the sun. Ray was tense as he watched her approach. Callisto had always had a militant air, demanding control of any situation without asking and easily getting it. She was one of the few people Ray respected undoubtedly. But also, she could instill fear in him.
And he was getting nervous.
"Berzerker?" she finally spoke, quiet, unsure.
"Yeah," Ray said, dropping his gaze; "I… I needed to come back for a second…"
"A second?" Callisto quipped bitterly, and Ray stared at her, hot tears in his eyes.
"Would you let me explain?" he asked heatedly, nearly losing his control. This was not an easy task, what he was about to do.
After a moment, she nodded, succumbing. Ray sighed; "I… I wanted you to know I'm… I'm sorry…"
The mutant knew how hard it was for the teen to admit such defeat, let alone show his shame. Callisto's gaze softened, if ever so slightly; "You left us, Berzerker," she said; "Why should I accept it?"
Ray looked away for a moment; "because, you gotta understand," he said, looking at her pleadingly; "I'm grateful for you taking me in, I can't tell you 'thank you' enough to cover just how thankful I am. But… I didn't want to spend my life lurking around in the shadows…" his admittance stunned even him.
Callisto was at a loss for words, but finally, she spoke; "Are you ashamed, Berzerker?" she asked, anger brimming.
Ray looked away; "I just…" he wanted to look at her, he really did. He didn't know what to say. Finally, he did look at her; "Professor says I'm making a lot of headway. I… I'll have more free time soon, once training lightens up. And… I was wondering if… when I had free time… could I help you, to make things right?"
"You didn't answer my question," Callisto mumbled, but then, she relented; "We'll see. Many of the others aren't pleased with your sudden absence."
"I don't blame them," Ray said honestly; "Callisto, I just wanted a chance of normality…"
"Normality? Berzerker, for you and I there is no such thing!" Callisto exclaimed; "Life will never be normal, no matter what you do!"
"At least Iwant to try!" Ray suddenly hollered, then he was silent, shocked. He had never raised his voice to her.
Never.
"Callisto, I…" he began, but she held up a hand, cutting him off.
"What happened to the boy I took in two years ago?" she asked, searching his eyes for the truth, though she found naught but angst and confusion. Sensing she knew, Ray looked away; "Berzerker, you've helped this tribe more than I think you know, but I suppose you always were looking out for just yourself. I cannot blame you, but I can resent it. You leave and we searched for you, thought of you for dead, or worse, captured by the Topsiders. But, here you are, clean, well fed, and saying you've left us for Upworld…" she stepped back, receeding into the stagnant darkness.
"Callisto…" Ray whispered, but when he looked up, she had gone.
Ray didn't know what to do then. He had come down to apologize, to make amends, so what had happened? He felt lost, like he had felt when he left his final group home. Now he was alone again, and this time, no considerate mutant would scoop him up and take him away.
Shaking, he turned and ran for the manhole. He scrambled back up into the world, slamming the manhole cover down with more force than he predicted. Ray scooted back and pressed himself against the alley wall, shaking in his sudden fit. Hot, angry tears fell from his tightly shut eyes. He gritted his teeth and rode it out, frozen from the cold and his need to move on.
When finally the fit subsided, and his breathing calmed, he relaxed and leaned his head back. Closing his eyes, he remembered the last time he had succumbed to his… little tendency. Ray was a creature of habit, and a stubborn one. When he couldn't cope with something, he stashed it away in a place he couldn't name. But eventually, it would resurface, and he'd be at its mercy.
He got up, wiping his knees free of the grime of the alley, and then made his way home, outwardly calm save for his troubled eyes. He never had been able to hide his emotions in his eyes. They were true windows to his soul. He picked up his pace, but realized he would not make it home until at least eleven. So, he flagged a taxi instead, and made it to the front gate in less than fifteen minutes. He punched in a code, and then began the walk up the long drive.
He was too confused. He was angry that school was so stressful, angry at himself. He was upset that he was butting heads with everyone except for Sam and Meg, and his dreams had become more… real, as of late. Jaded flashbacks, explosions, drunken spells… they all came back fresh and new, though so abhorrent that Ray's blood practically boiled. And the visit with Callisto… at first he was expecting to merely exchange pleasantries with Façade, or Caliban. That would have been good, not awkward or trying, at any rate.
Glancing at his watch, he saw it was 9:45. As he approached the front doors, he saw a figure standing in the window, silhouetted by the articulate chandelier hanging in the foyer. But in a second the door was open, but who was standing there was a surprise. Ray expected Logan, or Ororo.
But not Scott.
But there he was, dressed in his pajamas, arms cross, brow furrowed. Ray was silent as he became bathed in the light the open door offered. He stood in front of Scott, not necessarily eye to eye, but his gaze was strong enough to where that's how it seemed.
"Where have you been?" Scott asked; "It's nearly ten."
"I was out," Ray said, shoving past the X-Man.
Scott slammed the door shut, and that caused Ray to stop and turn in time to see Scott advancing. A lot of people had done that lately, he thought.
"What's wrong with you?" Scott asked, blunt and unforgiving.
Ray adopted his apathetic air, too weary and fed up for confrontation, as much as he loved it. "Wrong with me? What's up with you giving me the third degree?"
Scott got closer still, trying to be overbearing; "You drift in and out of here like this is just a pit stop. You don't tell anyone when and where you go, when you'll be back, if you'll be back. Hell, you've got Ororo worried sick whenever you don't come home by curfew. I'm surprised you made it by now!"
As Scott continued, Ray's temper flared dangerously. He could find nothing but contempt for the other teen. Ray was not a seven-year-old anymore. Scott apparently didn't know about the last guy who talked to him like this. Then again, they had never got along. Not during school, not at the Institute, not in the Danger Room, even. Ray tended to have his own training sessions, and when he was incorporated, he did something Scott didn't like.
He thought.
Ray had always been a deviant by nature, quick to think and act on his own accord, regardless. Seasoned years in group homes had taught him thatto survive, you had to fend for yourself first and others later. He was keen to fade when lectures plagued his time, even from Xavier and Hank. But Scott was not a superior, he was just a peer. And Ray could hardly put up with it...
But finally, he snapped; "Shut the fuck up!" Ray hissed, getting in Scott's face; "I didn't piss in your cheerios today, did I? Back the hell away. You don't understand so don't think you know."
"Yeah no shit I don't know!" Scott said, shoving him back. He forgot about trying to be civil in his words. "What is this place to you Ray, huh? A half-way house, a shelter! You can't just come in here and expect to get by without some involvement with everybody else! So what if you pull your weight in the Danger Room, work your ass off in the Sims, what's it matter? You're not part of the team… You don't want to be." He finished his tirade solemnly, as if it had finally dawned on him.
Ray felt the hair on his arms stand on end. His emotions were flaring up; "Why would I want to be?" he snapped, though quietly, subdued; "You're just a fucking fanatic with red goggles, Scott. I don't want anyone leading me around when they're too worried about how they will look when it's all said and done. Sure, you think quick on you feet. Yeah, you're pretty tough. But dammit if you try at all outside of the Danger Room! Do you even know who Sam's mom is? Do you even know where Amara comes from? Do you even know the people trying so hard to please you that THEY CAN'T SEE STRAIGHT!" his voice rose with each word, until he paused to let it all sink in.
"Well fuck that shit. I ain't buyin'. My life's been hard enough. And don't even say you understand!" he cut Scott off sharply as the teen opened his mouth to speak; "I don't know what it's like falling out of a plane and realizing you were suddenly alone, but at least you have happy memories! My home life sucked, Scott! And… and the homes! I felt like a fucking hand-me down! So sue me if I have a hard time coping with something that cares about me! This place scares the shit out of me; it keeps me tense and edgy! I can't wrap my head around why you people care so much, and that's my fucking issue!
"Stop treating me like I'm just a part of a group," Ray finally seethed; "I didn't ask to be a 'New Recruit'. Don't expect me to fall in with something I don't want to. Cuz you'll just lose;" his glare softened to a stony gaze, nevertheless still defiant.
Scott was frowning now; "Hypocrite," he said, and Ray was taken by surprise. "You heard me," Scott continued; "Standing there telling me no one knows, that you stand alone, that that's how you like it." He shook his head; "I pity you."
Then Ray did something he could not have controlled, or thought about. He threw his hands forward and jolted Scott once his fingertips touched the cotton shirt. Scott yelped as he jumped back. Ray clenched his fists and they stayed in midair.
"I just got back from saying good-bye to the one person who gave a shit about me, Summers," Ray said; "the only one. And now even they don't want anything to do with me. Not part of the team? Fine, I'll pack my shit and be gone by the end of Break."
"We're not done!" Scott called, stopping him before Ray could mount the steps. He whipped him around and stepped back as a precautionary move, then continued; "Why didn't you tell anyone? About anything you've had to put up with?"
Ray looked away darkly; "You'd have nightmares," he whispered darkly; "You can check the Chicago Tribune to find out how I ended up in the State's custody. As for the rest, I'm sure you could imagine."
"Look, Crisp," Scott sighed; "Don't go. I didn't mean what I said…"
"Yeah you did," Ray said sharply; "Through anger breathes truth and passion. Beast told me that one."
Scott couldn't argue with Hank's philosophy. "Okay, fine," he said; "I won't apologize."
"Now you're catchin' on," Ray said; "You're always apologizing, Scott, all of you guys are. Like you're ashamed of yourselves…"
"Don't you feel shame?" Scott asked.
"If I do, I don't notice," Ray said; "I live for truth, and I never lie. If I say something, I mean it. If I do something, it wasn't on accident," he paused; "Look, just let me go to bed? I didn't need the third degree tonight. Besides, that's Logan's job."
AS he turned, Scott asked one final question.
"Why do you give Logan respect, but no one else?"
Ray sighed quietly, then turned again; "Because," he replied; "He brought me here," at Scott's look of inquiry, Ray sighed again; "And that's all I'm gonna say."
Scott's lips pursed and his brow knotted together, but he nodded. Ray didn't acknowledge him, only continued on up to his room.
TBC
a/n: please review!
