Chapter 92
December 24th, 2021
The day had passed in the blink of an eye. They'd been to Nantucket's historic center, looking at the Christmas tree lined streets, hot cocoa and mulled wine at hand, Em hopping along in a carefree spirit. The cobblestone streets and lovely small houses did create a very different feel compared to the mainland.
And if it weren't for the underlying heaviness due to Luke's absence, it would've made a perfect day.
Rory had explained to Logan what the deal was, though keeping down on some of the details. She didn't think it'd do him any good knowing someone disliked him as much, and she certainly didn't want him beginning to doubt in what they were doing, due to this type of side effects.
But Logan, as usual, was more insightful than Rory had assumed, and filled in the gaps himself. He'd admitted to not liking this development, but left it at that.
Logan's mind had actually trailed towards making it a point to go talk to the man himself one day, not that he liked the confrontation, but he figured this was one of these cases which needed to be solved directly, not through Rory and Lorelai. Like a business venture with two competing parties. That he could do.
He, however, hadn't learned about Rory's mild doubts about Jess' well-meaningness which Lorelai's retelling of Luke's issues had cast some doubt on.
But despite all of this - for now things seemed to be calm. The fireplace was roaring, a lingering smell of the gingerbread they'd made earlier was filling the house. The four had been simply hanging out - Lorelai and Em watching 'Beethoven's Christmas' while Rory and Logan were simply snuggled into a comforter, his arm over her shoulder casually and her legs on the couch, both with their noses in their books.
With their stomach's full and full day of adventure behind them, it really was no wonder little yawns were escaping Em as the movie approached its second half.
"You know you could just finish the movie tomorrow…," Rory suggested to Em, seeing her yawns growing wider.
As rare as these occasions were, this time, Em actually wasn't fighting it, and exhaled, "okay," and rose. She snuggled into her mother's comforter for a minute, indicating indeed that she was ready for bed.
"Alright, let's go brush those teeth," Rory encouraged and heaved herself up from the warmth of Logan's side.
Em could do this on her own by now, but they had a little tradition with this, which meant she was supposed to sing a special tooth brushing song with her.
Knowing Em, it'd be at least a good half an hour before Em would let her get on with her own things, snuggling and reading at least a little being the obligatory bed-time routine.
Logan rose too, and got himself a glass of water, needing to stretch his limbs after several hours. As the turned, simply observing the fire for a minute, he could see Lorelai hesitate about something, looking at him and then reconsidering. But she spoke anyways.
"Okay, so tell me something," Lorelai began, putting the last few sips of wine that she'd been nursing on the coffee table without a coaster.
"Yeah?" he replied, having just gulped down his water.
"Rory hasn't told me everything, and I know better than to go asking her some things unless she's offering... It has been a gentle topic for her... But I was hoping you can explain something to me," she continued.
"Okay," he sighed, not liking terribly where this was going.
It was clear this was something she'd wanted to ask him alone.
"Why didn't you choose her, I mean - I get that she didn't want to derail the direction your life was going when you got engaged, and we'll leave that whole moral of that relationship to the side for now, adults as you both are and were…. But what I am understanding is that you loved her, right?" Lorelai blabbered.
"Yes, I've always loved her," Logan exhaled.
"So why didn't you choose her?" Lorelai asked, and her question didn't really need a whole lot of elaborating.
October 8th, 2016
The elaborate plan was at work, so far having worked without any major glitches. Time and practice really did make these escapes of theirs more and more perfect. It no longer required ridiculous amounts of money either, it was about using that money, along with their joint connection in a clever way that made it work. As long as Colin reached a certain promille that is.
The red and blue lighted tango bar played it's signature tune, as dancers moved in ways Rory had thought to be impossible, while she and Logan had just escaped the dancefloor, Rory having rather painfully stomped on his foot.
"How's your foot?" Rory asked, having just barely caught her breath the first time the entire night.
Being out with the guys was always a thrill, keeping her on her toes non-stop. She'd missed this.
"I do not think it's broken," Logan replied.
"Well, good," Rory exhaled with relief.
The two took the champagne flutes that were being handed to them by the waiter.
"You're still a terrible dancer," Logan pointed out.
To Logan it was deeply refreshing to be so up front and honest about something, especially to a woman. With the guys he had that, but even Odette, at the times, was a little touchy when her flaws were pointed out. Rory, however, seemed more than relaxed about these things. Besides, it was something they'd both laugh over time and time again.
He was very close to mentioning that the tango club had been Finn's idea, but he let it go.
"Agreed," Rory replied, and they clinked together their glasses.
"But damn, you are a beauty," Logan replied, downplaying his seriousness.
It was a self-protection mechanism in a way, but he couldn't not say it either. Truthfully, he didn't know how many more times he'd have the chance to say it. Being with her these past few years had always meant keeping a filter on when it came to words, but he liked to believe it was when they had their wordless conversation, their touches when they really got each other. It was for this reason why phone calls had never been enough for him, while he never really believed she understood him unless they were together live. It was why he'd lied on a number of occasions to his secretary, despite the fact that she probably knew anyways, to turn his schedule around and spend time with her. Marjorie wasn't that oblivious to his priorities, but just like with Odette, everything outspoken contained nothing compromising, especially at this stage when she was already living with him.
"Save the sweet talk, Huntzberger," Rory wouldn't hear of it. She was never too keen on his compliments. He almost felt like she didn't believe him. Damn - he sure wished she did, but he didn't really know how to make it sound more genuine.
"Well, you are," Logan tried to assure.
"I'm not going Dutch, so…," Rory replied, turning another moment that could've been considered romantic, a moment to accept a compliment, into a joke.
"Rats," Logan said, going along with it out of instinct. It was in his muscle memory by now. Nothing serious. Fucking Vegas - he cursed internally.
He was pretty sure his chuckle didn't even sound genuine.
"Glad I came?" Logan asked, some hesitation in his voice.
"Why did you come?" she replied, not answering his question which he desperately needed an answer to.
"Well, it was my turn to walk Finn," Logan replied.
Could she seriously not see why he came?
"Sure," Rory said curtly.
"I did not like the way we left things," Logan said it. He wished he could say something more, but he almost felt like saying anything more couldn't come from him. Because it was him that taken a leap to the other direction, to his plan B. It'd always be a plan B.
"Yeah. Me neither," Rory admitted, looking down.
"I should've told you about Odette moving in," Logan said. Finally talking of something of essence. He was also sorry he'd never actually told her that he'd gotten engage, leaving her to find out from his father at lunch that one time. It was like that day his father had known and he'd done that on purpose.
He had just been gathering his courage to do it, slip it in there somewhere where it would hurt the least. He was so sure it'd hurt, even if she claimed to be unaffected. He just knew. But it was getting her to admit that, that seemed impossible. It was like she'd built a wall between her brain and her heart. And this time was no different.
"Nope, That was not the agreement," Rory replied, avoidant as usual.
Fuck the agreement - he huffed internally.
"I know," Logan replied, unable to really talk to her when she was being so cold and distant. "You owed me nothing...," Rory added. It was almost like she was repeating a mantra. Hell, maybe she was?
"Technically no, but..," Logan tried to lure something out of her.
"No strings," she didn't give in and continued to repeat the horrible principle they'd gone by for the past three years. This wasn't going anywhere. Logan got that. Maybe he was wrong? Maybe she really was this cold, indifferent… but he didn't really believe that, it was just that she was making it very hard read though. He wanted to scream.
"So how are you?" he asked, calming himself.
"Oh, well… I'm okay," Rory replied, not really sounding okay.
"Did you fix things with Lorelai?" Logan asked.
Maybe that was what was up - she was preoccupied maybe? Logan really didn't have a lot to go on based on their last, brief, conversation. A rambling, rather. He was worried more than anything.
"Not yet. I've been crashing at Lane's," Rory replied.
And frankly if he did study her, she did seem off - unhappy, broken. It gave him some hope that it wasn't so much about him but something else.
"No word from her at all?" Logan asked.
"Nope," Rory replied, somewhat prematurely. Sure, there was the voice mail, but it wasn't much. Hardly nothing.
"What time is it?" Rory suddenly asked, making him worry whether she wanted to end the night early. Maybe she really was over? Maybe it was all in his head?
"Why? You bored?" he teased.
"One thing I can honestly say, I've never been bored with you," Rory said, a first direct compliment in a while he'd heard from her.
"Yeah. We're good like that," he agreed, desperate for her to acknowledge that it wasn't just him who made their time what it was, but it was what they became when they were together.
There was a moment of silence, and Logan just had to make his offer. Bringing out the key, and suggesting she'd use his family's place in Maine to write. He promised no strings attached, and he really did. He wouldn't push himself on her, it was unconditional. But he did see how one could see it as something else, only really realizing it after he'd said it. It had seemed like such a good idea at the time. He just wanted her to have the freedom to do what she wanted. He wanted her happy. And if he couldn't be with her, if she didn't want him, it felt like caring for her from a distance was the least he could do.
But then Rory dropped the bomb. The most real question she'd asked him the entire three years. "Are you really going to marry Odette?" she said, clearly struggling.
"That's the dynastic plan," Logan replied, calmly, unenthusiastically… desperate for her to respond in some way that wasn't impersonal, indifferent and cold.
But Rory had an excellent poker face not really showing emotion.
Please, please, please. Say something! But there was nothing. Could he have worded it better? No, he had thought about it in fact. That was what it was. It was the plan, it was just a plan. He'd deviated from plans before. She should know that.
As self preservation mode in Logan's brain flipped that switch that had kept him sane all this time and he took the facts he had and pushed all of his hunches aside. If he looked at just the facts, all he could read from her question really was that she was ready for this to end, and he got that. If he was going to marry Odette, this was the end. He needed to accept that. And considering her history, Dean in particular which he knew of, he couldn't blame her for not wanting to play second fiddle, not when things got serious.
He didn't think it'd sound believable now if he'd begin to explain that Odette was just doing this just for the plan as well. There were gossip magazines full of their pictures - clubbing, announcing their wedding plans, even a few with them kissing. He wasn't indifferent to Odette, and sometimes, at some rare times he did really think that if he tried hard enough, often with too much scotch, he could have something almost equivalent to half of this. His reasons were selfish. He was tired of pretending. He was tired of not being wanted as a whole - his faults, his baggage, his family and all.
Colin's little announcement stole their attention next, making Logan realize that it was no longer really Finn who needed walking but Colin, his shopping addiction once again getting a little out of hand. He threw back the rest of his champagne, knowing he'd needed it to take this night for what it had to offer. Anything it could offere. Once last time...
December 24th, 2021
"She didn't say she wanted me. All of me. She never said she was an option… I tried, I really tried - but she just wouldn't," Logan replied to Lorelai's question, showing Lorelai a side of him that she'd never seen before.
He too had been hurt. He too had pride, and her daughter wasn't flawless.
"So what changed?" Lorelai asked.
"I saw how awful something fake could be, I saw how it began to damage the fabric that makes me me. And once I'd built myself up, it wasn't the career or money I longed after. It was still her. So I just knew that I had to try. Even if putting myself out there could kill me," he added, meaning the latter it a lot more seriously than Lorelai realized.
The stairs squeaked behind him, indicating Rory was coming down the stairs, Em apparently having fallen asleep in record time. He wasn't sure how much of that she'd heard, but he didn't care. He was pretty sure Rory knew this already. Logan looked behind him, turning himself, and saw her modest smile, still as beautiful as five years ago, assure him - that risk had been so worth it.
Lorelai would've been blind not to see it too.
AN: Mood song for this last bit: Ruth Moody - Cold Outside.
