Chapter 97

December 29th, 2021

Cornwall wasn't far from New Milford. This had been one of the reasons why they'd chosen this day to go visit Honor. As they left her place that late afternoon, neither really felt like they had a lot of energy in them for big discussions, not even the playful and casual kind - the Maggie Koerner inspired playlist playing to a silent audience in the car.

Knowing their therapist was going to ask them to speak, the two almost held off in preparation for it, and drove in silence, so lost in their thoughts that they didn't even recognize something being up with the other. They both had their own concerns and issues, but for the first time since they'd gotten together, they hadn't shared all of them with each other.

Their therapist greeted them warmly and they took the seats they were already quite accustomed to.

"So, how have you been?" Dr. Riggs asked, after the initial holiday pleasantries. In here this one was never supposed to be responded to with a casual 'fine'.

"Pretty good, I guess," Rory replied, momentarily recalling a nightmare she'd had containing the same phrase almost like a déjà vu. But this wasn't the same situation, hence she quickly corrected her response by adding, "We had a nice Christmas holiday together. We went to my grandmother's old place in Nantucket, the three of us - Em and us, I mean. And Em and I had a little talk about Logan and she took down a lot of my worries about her perception of our relationship," Rory began, nearly hopping over the entire issue with her mother showing up without Luke.

"What did she say?" Dr. Riggs inquired.

Logan enjoyed watching Rory talk about Em, and he especially liked this little story.

"She said that she likes him, and later we talked a little more about what getting married meant. I assured her that his dad would not disappear from her life and ahe'd still see him all the time, but she'd just be gaining Logan. We talked a bit about moving, and so far she seems actually eager to do it - the promise of a bigger room with a bookcase really seems to do the trick in her age," Rory described.

"Four-five - it's a pretty resilient age. They understand a lot more than we give them credit for usually, but it's good you're discussing things openly with her," the therapist confirmed. "What about you Logan - have you gotten a chance to get to know Em a little better?"

"I think so, we're pretty relaxed around each other, I think. We've cooked together a bunch of times. Played some board games, you know… simple stuff. But it's mostly been group activities. I think it's a decent start, if I do say so myself," Logan described, these positive discussion topics having lifted his mood for the moment.

"And you mentioned looking for a joint place, right?" Dr. Riggs encouraged.

"Yeah, we've seen a couple of places. There's not a lot to choose from in West Hartford, surprisingly, anything with more than 4 bedrooms seems to be out of the city bounds or not quite for us," Logan added.

"It's a pretty big step," she commented, but there was no judgment in her tone, it was rather a question within the statement.

"Honestly - co-habitating - it doesn't feel that big of a deal. It's not like we haven't done that before. Even when we now stayed under the same roof during Christmas, Em and all, Rory's mother even… it just felt natural," Logan responded.

"I agree. Sure, there's some hesitancy with Em sometimes. She likes to climb into bed with me sometimes, but for the two of us, it has always come easily," Rory added.

"And you mentioned last time that you also invited your ex to spend a day with you out there, right?" she continued.

"Jess came.. And Em, as expected, was over the moon about his presence. Jess saw all the different dynamics, I think. Em with Logan, Logan and I… though we tried to be sensitive about it, you know… not to rub it in," Rory described.

"How do you think he feels about it?" Dr. Riggs asked.

"I think he has some fears concerning Logan, and I think that's normal - but I think it helped that he saw that he doesn't mean any harm and is willing to co-operate. Logan is clearly not out to turn Em against him or anything like that," Rory explained, not bothering to go into their little agreement with the gifts.

"But what about you and Logan? You said his response wasn't too accepting when he first found out," the therapist continued.

"I actually think he's over it. He didn't say anything about the engagement, though I know he knew," Rory began, having heard from her mother how the term fiance had been thrown around between Luke and Jess. "I mean - sure there's some adjusting that's still in the process of it… but I actually found out he's seeing someone," Rory shared, her pace lowering by the end of that sentence, realizing it was the first time she'd shared this piece of information with Logan. It would've sounded like good news, but she spoke with hesitance in her voice, which depicted well how she wasn't entirely sure how she felt about it. "I'm sorry, I didn't tell you… I just…," Rory felt she needed to add, directing the message to Logan.

Logan hadn't really realized Rory had had a lot of time to talk to Jess privately during the one day they'd all spent in Nantucket. Even handing over Em to him a few days later had gone swiftly, with him waiting in the car for her. He hadn't connected the short interaction with Lisa to anything more than that.

The therapist observed Rory study Logan, not sure what she was reading from his face.

"What did you want to add, Rory?" the therapist encouraged her to finish her though.

"He didn't actually tell me. He just told me that he had some new things going on in his life. That he's teaching a class and I just got a feeling that there might be someone," Rory began. "And it's not the first time… it's not like he's been a monk these years that we've been split up. But this time it's someone I know and… I guess I just wasn't quite sure how I felt about it. Both the fact that I didn't hear it from him, that it's someone I know and I was just caught off guard," Rory sighed.

"Wait, who are we talking about here?" Logan interupted her, not quite following. He felt like he'd been left out of something significant to her, and while he wasn't offended - he understood, it still didn't leave a good feeling.

"I just found out for sure yesterday. Apparently Lisa, and this is just her words - I have no confirmation from Jess or anything. I wanted to wrap my head around it before I mentioned it. It shouldn't be a big deal, and it's definitely not jealousy or possessiveness towards Jess that I feel, but I guess I do understand a little better how he must've felt threatened as a father," Rory tried to discuss, her brain already imagining someone else as Em's mother figure beside her.

There was the added factor that it was a woman that she knew, a Chilton graduate, and a woman who looked a little like her and also had a similar love for books like she did. She hadn't really known all that much about her until she'd social-media stalked her last night, when Logan was asleep. She'd found out that she trains therapy dogs, which was an almost overly top cute thing to do with one's life. She was smart too. She'd actually written books on the topic, had a Master's in Animal-Assisted therapy and occasionally gave lectures on the topic, and naturally a lot what she did was charity. She was from a wealthy background, but was humble about it. She seemed genuinely a nice person which made it so much harder to dislike her, yet Rory almost felt she should.

Also, on some subconscious, almost ridiculous, level she was upset that it was someone who seemed to replace her, being on a superficial level similar to her, which made her feel less unique. It felt weird to admit, but she'd actually enjoyed the feeling of being put on a pedestal by a lot of men in her life. And if her mind whirled out of control longer than ten minutes the thought that Logan might also at some point discover that she wasn't as special as he'd believed all these years, and leave her, really wasn't too far off. Those were her daddy issues in a bottle as her own therapist Catherine had once figuratively suggested.

"How does that make you feel, Logan?" the therapist asked, to Rory's surprise, who'd almost expected this to focus on her.

"I think she's allowed to feel whatever she is feeling," Logan replied, almost on automatic. It was a mantra that his own therapist had once used a lot, teaching him to validate his feelings.

"How do you feel about the fact that she didn't tell you until now?" Dr. Riggs asked.

It took Logan a moment.

"I think she would've told me, I trust her this much. And I don't believe she's suddenly regretting not being with him, no way...," Logan said. "But I guess… It would've been nicer if she'd just told me straight away, neutrally. Even just saying that it was 'weird' would've been fine, and I would've left it at that," Logan continued. "I need you to know that it's okay to tell me these things," he assured, glancing at Rory, who slipped her fingers into his palm, looking at him with a glimmer of guilt in her eyes.

It was at this moment that Logan realized that he himself was hiding some of his issues from Rory just the same. He should've perhaps spoken out right there, begun to unravel the lengths of it. But he just couldn't do it, feeling that same tongue-tied feeling he'd felt in the summer with Honor.

They continued to discuss their communication dynamics and Rory eagerly spoke of their wedding plans, including how she was a little weirded out by inviting Shira. Logan didn't disagree, or frankly - didn't say much more than a few agreeing 'hm's the entire remainder of their session.

They were given some therapy homework again - some gratitude journal type of thing, which both had already begun to see as something to just get done. They were at a moment where they nearly felt they didn't need this, but didn't really speak of it and would keep going to prove to the other that they were still serious.

As their session ended and Rory excused herself to the bathroom, having just drank a big glass of water and expecting a lengthy drive back, Logan stood there in the foyer, Rory's coat already in his hand, waiting.

But as he stared at the wall paitently, waiting, he saw Dr. Rigg's office door ajar further down the corridor, he decided to go for it.

"Excuse me," he knocked gently on her door again.

"Logan, how can I help you?" she asked, putting what she was doing aside.

"I was wondering whether I could see you alone sometime, as personal therapy that is," Logan said.

"Okay," the therapist responded, having expected something more along the lines of rescheduling. "I thought you were still seeing Dr…," she began, and looked up the name from her laptop quickly.

"Not in a while, I don't think the long distance thing is really working that great. But I just feel like I might need to touch base every once in a while, there is still some family stuff that makes me uneasy. And I don't see why it should come from my time with Rory here," Logan explained.

Dr. Riggs continued to check her calendar and promised to send Logan a couple of suggestions, but didn't exactly appear to have a wide open schedule.

But as Logan turned and headed out of her office, he saw Rory already waiting for him with a slightly concerned look on her face. He wasn't sure how much of that she'd heard.

"Ready to go?" Logan asked, holding up Rory's coat for her.

"Uh-uh," Rory replied. And almost as if not wanting to ask in the earshot of Dr. Riggs she only spoke out once they closed the car doors after them.

"What was that about?" Rory asked, hesitantly.

"I just think I should start seeing her also on my own," Logan replied, feeling surprisingly relieved to not have to hide it. But he didn't look forward to explaining it either.

"Oh," Rory replied. "You can talk to me too, Logan. You know that, right?" she added perhaps a little naively.

"It's not about us… more my family, Honor, the company, the name…," Logan replied, speaking in lengthy pauses, searching for the right words. He could think of several things to add to that list.

"Still, you don't have to keep these things to yourself," Rory assured.

"I know that you mean well, but these things are not as straightforward as that. These things leave me feeling weak and powerless… and it involves talking about tougher times. O, London…," he added.

"Still..," Rory repeated, though could already feel the heaviness.

"I don't want to push you away, to hurt you," Logan began. "But I think I just can not always be the strong one of us…," he said, exposing for the first time that he wasn't as okay as he'd seemed. He didn't want to be that weak for her, or their family, almost believing that if he could just be weak and vulnerable in therapy, that could make him stronger outside of it.

Rory was left speechless at his words, having never really thought about it like that. She didn't know what to do with this information, not really. And it made her recall back to her own behavioral tendencies of being the damsel to be rescued, just like Logan had time and time again.