Part Two of Three
John slowly came to his senses as the stench of the moldy carpet filled his nostrils with the putrid smell of years of neglect. The room was dark, the only light coming from the small TV that was quietly playing Saturday morning cartoons. He rolled over and made out the form of his youngest mesmerized with the colors and sounds of Bugs Bunny.
He heard the shower water running and then the water stopped and the door to the bathroom opened and he first glimpsed his oldest. The light from the bathroom illuminated the room and he glanced upon the most frightening sight he had seen since he embarked on his battle with evil.
Dean was wiping down the water from his young frame and the mark on his side was unmistakable. A large black and purple bruise right where his rib cage ends and goes into his stomach. A nasty bruise from a violent encounter with an evil being, except he had not been on a hunt.
John was stunned into an upright position. He rubbed his eyes to see if the light was playing tricks on him, please let it just be a shadow. Please let it just be his imagination. Please God, tell him he had not hurt his own son.
Dean walked out of the bathroom wearing only his faded jeans, carrying his t-shirt in his hand. John flicked on the light switch by the bed and lit up the room. Dean was startled his dad was awake and quickly turned to slip his t-shirt over his head to cover the offending bruise.
"Dean, did I do that?" John trembled as he asked, knowing what the answer was yet not bearing to hear the truth.
"Dad it's OK." Was all Dean said, but the tone of his voice was so sad, so disillusioned.
"Dean, come over here."
John was feeling the worst he had ever felt in his life. He remembered the only time he had ever spanked Dean and how bad it made him feel. Dean had disobeyed and taken a sick baby Sammy outside on a cold rainy night to show his friends. It had put Sam in danger and Dean knew he was wrong to do it. Mary said he needed to be punished, he needed to learn to obey and even though John agreed, it still hurt him to inflict pain on his son.
That pain was nothing next to the pain he felt for this. The fact that he could not remember inflicting this injury did nothing to alleviate his guilt. If anything it made his guilt more pronounced. How could he be so negligent as to not even remember doing this to his son? He was his father and he was sworn to protect him. He would kill any man who would think to hurt his son like this. The anger and disgust he felt towards himself only magnified when Dean approached.
Not only had Dean suffered the rib bruise, now in the harsh light of the sleazy motel room John saw the full extent of the other damage. His left eye was half swollen shut from the bruise that surrounded it but the most severe damage was the sullen, silent pain that dwelt in his sad hazel-green eyes. John's heart broke into a million pieces right then and there. He had not seen such anguish since his son realized his mom was gone.
John knew he was the cause of Dean's pain. He was the monster lurking in the shadows stalking his son and causing him harm. The blow to his soul was staggering. He had become the thing Dean feared most. He had become the evil in the darkness.
"Dean, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. It will never happen again." John pleaded with his son for forgiveness.
"I know Dad. I know you didn't know what you were doing." Dean spoke so softly John could barely hear him. Dean then looked him straight in the eyes and spoke more distinctly, more forcefully.
"Dad, you will never hurt Sammy like this. Do you hear me? I won't let you."
John silently looked into the tenacious eyes of a soul possessed: a young man possessed of a steel will and iron determination. He had never been more proud of his son. Dean was a protector and he was a warrior. He would protect Sammy against any evil that threatened him. He would even protect him from his own drunk and abusive father.
John prayed this would be the one and only time he had to face his son. He would never let himself fall into this depraved, destructive state again. He needed to regain his son's trust. He wanted to be his son's hero and he would do anything to accomplish that. He would face his demons and he would be brave. His sons needed him to be strong. His sons needed their father.
"Dean, let me see." John drew Dean closer so he could inspect his injuries. John's stomach churned with the bitter regrets at what his careless, drunken actions had created. He tenderly felt the bruise around his young son's eye. It was swollen and black and blue but there seemed to be no permanent physical damage. He then lifted up Dean's t-shirt to inspect the bruise on his abdomen. His fingers trembled as he gently pressed on his ribs checking for breaks. Dean emitted a soft groan as the pressure of John's fingers caused him more pain.
Thank God, they appeared to only be bruised. Only, John shook at the thought. How could he have done this? How could he have hurt his own son? He should have known better. Damn it! He did know better. He vowed he would never be in this position again. He would never lose control like this again.
He lowered Dean's t-shirt and looked into the hurt eyes of his firstborn. He couldn't control his emotions any longer as he pulled his son into his chest to hold him close and hug him for all he was worth. His body heaved as heavy sobs overcame him and tears flowed openly down his cheeks as he considered how much he had lost in that one fateful moment in time. He had lost his son's respect and his son had lost his last remnant of innocence.
"Dad, it's OK. I know you didn't mean it. I know you didn't know what you were doing."
Dean, ever the responsible child trying to protect and preserve his family, was trying to comfort his dad, his abuser. Dean had grown up so quickly over the past four years and this was one more instance where his life just wasn't fair. John was his father, he was the adult and he should have been looking out for his son's well-being instead of the other way around. John knew this was so wrong and he couldn't allow his son to continue to take on the brunt of his dad's failures.
"Dean, it's not OK. I was wrong, terribly, terribly wrong and I promise you it will never happen again. I will be the father you and Sammy deserve. Please forgive me."
John didn't deserve forgiveness and he couldn't believe he had just asked for it. He deserved to be punished unmercifully for subjecting his son to this pain. He knew in his heart his actions were totally unforgivable, yet he also knew his son would forgive him. He knew Dean's heart was incapable of condemning him and he vowed he would live up to his son's expectations. He would never disappoint his son again.
"Daddy I know you miss Mommy. I know you feel lost and alone, but you have us. You have Sammy and me. I can help. We'll get that demon together; you just need to give me a little time. Can you do that Dad? Can you wait for me to get bigger?" Dean was so sincere in his bid to help his dad that John's heart broke all over again.
"Dean, I'm so proud of you. You're the best big brother Sammy could hope for. I was weak but it won't happen again. I will be the father you and Sam deserve. This will never happen again." John vowed to his son and the spirit of his dead wife. True to his word, it never did.
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TBC
