Hey...
Summary: She wonders if he knows what love is. What happens when he tries to salvage the relationship with the son that he knowingly abandoned? Does she let him back into their lives? Does he get the life he always wanted but was too scared to have?
Thanks for reading. Please tell me what you think.
CHAPTER 5
With each step that she took she could feel her whole world caving in on her. She knew that in mere seconds her life would once again change drastically because of him, and what angered her most was knowing that she was powerless to stop it. She laughed bitterly to herself thinking about how many times the man had truly changed her life. She could count two, three after today; the first being when he had smiled at her for the first time, the gentle smile that he seemed to reserve only for her; the second was when he walked away, taking his smile with him, and leaving her standing alone in the pouring rain.
She could feel the tears burning behind her eyes and threatening to spill out, but she willed herself to stay strong. She glanced down at Ryan at the same time he looked up at her; she offered him a reassuring smile as she bent down and picked him up.
She held him tightly against her side, never wanting to let him go. She wasn't naïve, she knew that she wouldn't always be able to protect him, but to her, it just seemed wrong that she couldn't protect him right now.
The man that had promised her that he would always be there, and that he would always love her was the one she was trying to protect her son from. Another bitter laugh. She wished it weren't true, but she knew that in the long run, it would benefit her son for him to have his father. And even if she resented him, she didn't want her son to; it wouldn't be fair to him.
She stopped at the door and let out a weary breath; this was it. Her eyes studied Ryan, his blue eyes, his blonde hair, and his gentle smile. It all reminded her of him. She smoothed down his hair and forced her dimpled smile at him.
"It's ok." He whispered softly and placed a small kiss on her cheek. A tear sprang from her eye and rolled down to her lips. She licked it away, the salty taste lingering on her tongue. Since when did her son become the strong one; it wasn't supposed to be that way, he was supposed to lean on her, not the other way around.
Yet another quality he got from his father. She would have questioned if she was really her son if he hadn't come out of her. His personality was gentle and kind, and most importantly, untainted. "I know sweetie." She whispered delicately.
The door emitted a low creak as she pushed it open; the soft light cast harsh shadows in the room, and the bustling noise awoke Lucas from his fitful sleep. He rubbed his eyes relentlessly and struggled to pull himself up. "Hey." He mumbled, his voice hoarse and barely audible.
Ryan's head immediately buried itself into Brooke's shoulder in an attempt to conceal himself from the world. Brooke's arm instinctively wrapped around his back and traced comforting circles with her fingertips. "Come on." She whispered into his hair.
Lucas inched over and watched as his son slowly removed his face from Brooke's shoulder. "Hi Ryan." He waved gently, a smile tugging on the corners of his mouth. He supposed this would be what it felt like to see your child being born; he was just a little late.
The small blue eyes finally met the big ones; Ryan's arms clung tightly around his mother's shoulder as she struggled to drop her purse onto the chair. "Hi Lucas." He mumbled back. Lucas' heart lurched at his voice, but stung when he murmured 'Lucas'.
He wasn't sure if he expected Ryan to call him 'dad', but he hoped one day he would.
Breaking the creepy silence that had fallen in the room, Nathan cleared his voice from the corner where he was flipping through a magazine. "I think I'm going to go get some coffee, you guys want anything?" He asked politely as he placed the magazine onto the chair behind him.
"Can you get me a drink?" Lucas asked hopefully; his doctor had only given him water and he was dying to have something with flavor. Nathan nodded and turned towards Brooke.
"Maybe some chocolate milk for Ryan." She stated, again Nathan nodded. He mouthed a 'good luck' to Lucas as he pulled the door open.
"Can I go too?" Ryan questioned eagerly, he would do anything to get out of the small hospital room. Brooke turned towards Nathan, in turn missing the frown that had flashed across Lucas' features. Nathan took Ryan and offered Lucas a small shrug before leaving.
"Sorry." Brooke smiled apologetically as she sat in a chair at the foot of Lucas' bed. He simply nodded as he picked at his thin sheet of a blanket. "It's not you. He's just used to Nate…quite fond of him."
"Nah." Lucas smiled a humorless smile with a shake of his head. "It's my fault. He's just a boy…no boy should have to go through what I put him through."
"Just, don't take it personally." Brooke offered, a strain evident in her voice. She didn't know why she was trying to console him, but the disappointed expression on his face made her sympathize with him, for whatever reason. "He's just not used to guys, besides Nathan."
"Again, my fault." Lucas scoffed quietly to himself. His infamous 'brooding' face was becoming more evident by the second. "Brooke, I…"
She held up a hand to silence him and shook her head quickly. "Don't." She stopped him from continuing. She knew she wasn't ready to hear what he was going to say, and she wasn't going to put herself through it.
"No, please…" His voice was breaking, the raw-emotion seeping into every word he spoke. "I just want you to know that I'm sorry. For everything."
"I know." She nodded her head in confirmation. He breathed out a puff of air and combed his hair away from his eyes.
"No Brooke." He stated determinedly. "I'm sorry. I need you to believe it."
"Lucas…" She sighed as she stood from the chair and took a few steps closer to him. "I believe that you're sorry. I truly do; I can see it in your eyes…"
"But…?" He prompted, knowing that there was a second part to her statement. He clamped his eyes shut in anticipation of her words, knowing that they were going to cut through him like a knife.
"But…" She whispered, her voice shaky and uncertain. "Knowing that you're sorry…it doesn't make…make it hurt any less. What you did…"
"I want to fix it." He mumbled tearfully. His bottom lip turned white, and he could taste the familiar flavor of blood seeping onto his tongue. "I wish with every fiber of my body that I could go back and do things differently. Or that I had the words now to make it better…that day, it…it was one of…no, it was, the worst mistake of my life…"
"I wish things were different too, I honestly do." She smiled gently as her tears blurred her vision, and her cheeks mirrored his. She grasped his hand in one of hers, and he gently cupped her cheek in his palm. "But no amount of hope, or praying, or wishing, however much, is going to reverse time. And no amount of words are going to heal the pain that I feel everyday…"
"Brooke…" He sobbed out. She licked her lips, her hair bouncing slightly as she shook her head.
"I need to finish." She whispered; he skillfully wiped away a few of her tears with his thumb. "Everyday, when I see him, or hear his voice…he's you Luke, in everyway possible. He's so caring and he understands so much. I love him so much, but he breaks my heart. He's a constant reminder of us."
"God, Brooke." Lucas sobbed again. She gently rested her forehead against his, and if just felt right…she felt, at home. Their tears mixed together between them, soaking his blanket in the process. His heart pounded heavily against his chest, he knew it wasn't good for him, but he didn't care. At least if he died, he would die happy, in her arms, where he knew he belonged.
Suddenly realization hit Brooke. "I…I can't…" She mumbled as she pulled away from him. His hand slipped to the back of her neck and crashed their lips together; she kissed back. It felt to good. Her mind kept screaming at her to stop, that they shouldn't be doing that, but her body pulled him closer.
He knew it too, that it was wrong, but it felt perfect. Her lips on his made everything else disappear…. all the heartache, the pain, the hospital…it was all gone. But like it always did, the outside world found its way back in as the door creaked open.
"Oh, I'll…" Nathan trailed off and pulled the door shut in front of him. Had he really saw what he just did? The door opened again, and a distraught Brooke emerged. "Hey…" He murmured gently and pulled her to his chest.
"I can't do it Nate." She mumbled into his shirt. Her hands gripped it tightly into a ball as her tears stained it. "I can't let him in."
"Shh…" He encouraged her gently. His hand rubbed up and down her back soothingly. He softly kissed the top of her head. "You don't have to. It'll be ok. I promise that." She sniffed as she nodded her head. "Why don't you go home?"
"Yeah, ok." She agreed wisely. She wiped her eyes on her sleeve and forced on a small smile.
"I'll see later, alright buddy?" Nathan questioned Ryan gently.
"No." Brooke shook her head as she continued to dry her tears. "He needs to stay. Can you just, bring him home after?"
"Yeah, no problem." Nathan assured her with an eased smile. He gently placed his hand on Ryan's shoulder. "I've got him. He'll be fine."
"Thanks Nate." Brooke smiled gratefully and placed a light kiss on his cheek. Both let out a light laugh as his face heated slightly. "You be good…ok?" She questioned Ryan. "Talk to your…dad." She forced herself to say it. He nodded slightly as she rubbed her fingers through his shabby hair. She mouthed another 'thanks' to Nathan before leaving the two as they entered the room.
"Hi Lucas." Ryan stated politely as he entered the room. Lucas was turned away from the door, his gaze focused out the window at the evening sky. Tears had stained his cheek and turned his eyes red. "Lucas?" Ryan asked softly as he edged towards his bedside.
Still there was no answer. The only noise to fill the room was the beeping of the many monitors and the slight sniff Lucas emitted. "Are you ok?" Ryan prodded quietly as he tugged on the blankets loosely.
Slowly Lucas turned his body to face the concerned eyes of his son. He nodded slowly but saw the apprehension on Ryan's face. Ryan glanced down and pushed his foot onto the bottom of the bed and used his arms to pull himself onto Lucas' bed.
Lucas watched wearily as Ryan crawled towards him hesitantly and eventually sat carefully on his lap. He sniffed again and tried to blink his tears away to no avail. Ryan leaned forward gently, his small hands cupping either side of Lucas' face. Gently, Ryan pressed his small lips against Lucas' forehead.
Lucas watched the young boy with such admiration in his eyes. Brooke had been right, he did understand a lot for his age, and he was caring. But she was wrong about one thing, he wasn't Lucas…he was better. "What…what was that for?" He managed to choke out as Ryan sat idly in his lap. He leisurely let his hands slip around the boy's back.
Ryan smiled gently, a loving smile that illuminated the stark room. "That's what Mommy does when I'm sad or gots an owie. She makes it all better." He stated softly. Lucas was powerless against it; the tears were coming, no matter what.
He licked them away hastily and gazed into his son's eyes. "Thank-you." He whispered hoarsely. Ryan simply nodded and climbed his way down the bed and onto Nathan's lap.
Ryan turned his head towards his father. "Lucas?" He questioned curiously. Lucas nodded, urging him to continue. "Do I have to call you Dad?"
He let out a shaky sigh as his fingers scratched at the back of his neck. "That's up to you Ryan." He explained. Silently he wished that he would, but he knew if wasn't fair to force him to. Ryan once again nodded.
"Lucas?" He asked again. Lucas closed his eyes at his name to keep the tears within him. "Do you love my Mommy?"
"Very much." Lucas answered without hesitation, which even surprised Nathan, who was now fully engaged in their conversation.
"Well how come you don't live with us?" Ryan continued to ask questions.
"Well because…" Lucas tried to think of something. "I ran away…and it was a big mistake."
"How come you ran away?" He asked curiously.
"Its…its hard to explain." Lucas laughed at himself. "I guess I was scared."
"Scared of what?"
He should have known these questions would have arisen. "I'm not sure." He answered truthfully. "Are you scared of anything?" He tried.
Ryan nodded slightly. "Sometimes I'm scared of the dark."
"Ok…" Lucas nodded. "And what do you do when you are?"
"Mommy gave me a flashlight." He replied. "I turn it on…and then it isn't dark anymore."
"Right. So…" Lucas tried to explain in terms he would understand. "So when I got scared, I ran away from it. Just like when you get scared, you make it go away."
Ryan nodded, understanding etched into his crystal eyes. "We should really go." Nathan smiled gently at his brother. "It's almost his bedtime."
Lucas nodded as Nathan stood up and placed Ryan on his hip. "Lucas…do you love me?" Ryan questioned inquiringly.
"I love you a whole bunch." Lucas smiled widely at his son. "I will forever love you." A wide grin broke out onto Ryan's face as Nathan stopped in the doorway.
"I'll see you tomorrow Luke." Nathan waved good-bye. Lucas nodded and waved to his son.
"Bye Ryan." He smiled gently. Ryan shifted slightly in Nathan's arms and faced his father.
"Bye." He waved happily. Lucas watched them leave. A few seconds later the door opened again and Nathan appeared with Ryan in his arms.
"Forget something?" Lucas chuckled.
"I love you too…" Ryan whispered lightly. Tears immediately stung at Lucas' eyes. He glanced at Nathan, and he too had tears threatening to spill over. "…Daddy."
