Hey...
Summary: She wonders if he knows what love is. What happens when he tries to salvage the relationship with the son that he knowingly abandoned? Does she let him back into their lives? Does he get the life he always wanted but was too scared to have?
Again, thanks for reading. Please tell me what you think.
The letter is in Italics. (You'll see)
Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
CHAPTER 6
What power has love but forgiveness?
In other words
By its intervention
What has been done
Can be undone.
What good is it otherwise?
-William Carlos Williams
"My Dearest Brooke,"
She read the letters that were scrawled across the crisp white paper aloud. Her hands trembled, causing the paper to flutter erratically. A few silent tears escaped her eyes causing her to hastily wipe them away. She drew in another shaky breath before continuing.
"I know that you have no rationale to read this, and if I were you, I would tear it up now and never look back. I won't blame you if you do. But if, for some reason, you find it in your heart to at least hear me, than that is all I can ask for."
It had crossed her mind, to just rip the letter up. To throw it in the fire like she had done many years ago, after the first time he broke her heart. She paper crinkled slightly in her hands as she debated whether or not to continue. Her tongue traced the outline of her lips, the salty taste lingering on her tongue afterwards.
"I know that it is perhaps too late for this, but I feel as though I must say it. I'm sorry. For everything. You deserved much more than I could have ever given you. You are an amazing woman, with a magnificent heart, and what I did was wrong. I'm sorry."
The thought crossed her mind once again. She told herself that she didn't want to hear what he had to say, that it didn't matter anymore. She had promised herself that she wouldn't let him back in; that his words wouldn't break her again.
"I truly did, and always will love you. I am sorry that I ever made you doubt that. There has never been another in my heart. I was a stupid, naïve boy, and I caused you pain that you should have never had to feel. And I hope, that one day, you will be able to overcome that pain, and be happy. Because you deserve to be, you deserve whatever you want in life. And I hope, that the Brooke Davis I knew in high school, the one that I fell in love with, wouldn't settle for less."
Stupid was right, she laughed bitterly to herself. As for the happiness part, it was still a mystery. Some days it felt as though she would never truly be happy, that she wasn't capable of it.
"As for a reason, I wish I could give you one. I wish I could give you some sort of closure. But know this: It was never because I did not love you. You were in my mind and heart every second of every day that I was away. I was stupid to run, I know that now."
'Love', she wondered to herself if he knew the actual meaning of it. He always said the word to her, swore to the heavens that he did; but then his actions shouted the opposite.
"As for Ryan, I know that he will grow up to be a wonderful man thanks to you. I know that you will do right by him. I don't doubt that. I would hope that you would tell him about me. Let him know who his father was. But I would understand if you couldn't."
Ryan, he was already a wonderful boy, destined to be a wonderful man. She hoped that he would be like his father, the gentle, caring side, not the leaving side. Because as much as she loved to deny it, Lucas Scott was indeed a marvelous human being, most of the time.
'Tell him about me'? That sealed the deal in her mind, Lucas was leaving again. She prayed it would be different, that maybe he would stick around this time. She hoped that maybe he had changed and was actually trying to mend his mistakes. But once again, he was leaving them.
"I've written a few letters to him; some to be given to him on certain birthdays, others on holidays, and a few for significant events in his life, such as his wedding day. I hope that you will give them to him. And I also hope that he will read them."
She silently cursed him. Only he could leave and yet still try to hold on. She wiped at her eyes, brushing back the tears that were stinging violently, threatening to spill over. Again she debated whether or not to rip it to shreds, but like before, she continued reading.
" I am truly sorry for everything that has happened, and for how things have turned out. I wish I could change things between us, but I know that I have shattered any chance for that."
Change things? She had once hoped that too, but then, like now, he had slapped her in the face. How could he go on about changing the past, when he was ruining the future?
"I know that it is wrong to ask, but I need one last thing from you: your forgiveness. I would not be able to make peace with myself without it. I pray that you find it in your heart to absolve me from my wrongs. It may be a long shot, but it is my one last wish. So please, help me to leave contently. In the large envelope, are our divorce papers, signed. I want you to be happy."
Forgiveness? She practically choked on the word as she read it. There was no way she would ever be able to forgive him now. Her fists tightened around the paper, causing small wrinkles to form. Divorce? Her hand gathered the paper, but then a word caught her eye. A word that prompted her to continue reading.
"You will never know how sorry I am. I hate myself for the things I have done in my life. The one good thing I ever did was love you. Brooke, I am dying. The doctor says my heart is too weak, and that I need a transplant and the chances of finding a donor are very slim."
Her tears fell in a steady stream now, soaking the paper in her hands. They blurred her vision, but she continued on.
"I want to leave you with this: 'Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.' Ida Taylor wrote it. It has helped me to live a better life, and I hope it will do the same for you.
I'm sorry…
I love you Pretty Girl,
Broody
Lucas Eugene Scott"
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"Lucas!" She burst through the hospital room with a bang. Her eyes immediately fell upon the empty bed, which looked neatly made. The blonde-haired boy was nowhere in sight.
The rest was a blur. Her tears were now staining her cheeks and blurring her vision. Her knees hit the floor with a thud, her head soon after. She lay on the hospital floor, the pain overtaking her body. He was gone.
