AN: Trigger warning: this chapter involves topic of abortion. If it's a sore subject, feel free to skip it.


Chapter 133

November 10th, 2016

Rory had just gotten out of the shower and was drying herself off with Emily Gilmore's incredibly soft Egyptian cotton guest bath towel. The softness of the towels was important, as were the textures of everything else she wore these days. Her skin, especially her breasts, were super sensitive, at times so sensitive that she didn't even want to wear a bra. She dried off the hair and face first, then the arms. From there she wiped down the rest of her body moving downwards.

She'd never really been a woman who was entirely comfortable being naked, or being in the presence of nudity in general, despite having already come a long way, especially when it came to men. She'd never even really enjoyed looking at herself in the mirror naked either, being just a little too critical of her body, especially during the times when she had her period… and now it was almost like she'd been on her period for at least 4 weeks. At least it felt similar. She felt bloated, there were even some cramp-like symptoms. But it had been the lack of her period, accompanied by occasional morning-sickness which she'd already spent a couple of hours that morning fighting, that had hinted there was more to it. It had already been a while since she'd taken the pregnancy test, and that she'd followed up by a blood test. There was no doubt about it. There she was - 7 weeks pregnant by her engaged ex-boyfriend, who was about to take over the publishing world. The dynastic plan to conquer the world with a no-doubt beautiful, intelligent and socially acceptable fiance on his arm, even if she hadn't ever laid eyes on the woman.

She turned sideways, as the steam in the bathroom had begun to fade, the shower she'd taken having been a lengthy one, and looked at herself in the mirror. She kept wondering whether people could tell. It influenced her choice of wardrobe a lot, though she knew that at best she looked like she'd had a movie marathon with her mother.

Rory placed her palm on her stomach but retracted it a second later. She hadn't really allowed herself to indulge in that thought, still coming into terms with the fact. She knew her options, she'd read up on all of them, even the less conventional ones, even if just briefly. By now, after having talked to her mom and Paris, and also to her dad, but without mentioning the pregnancy to him just yet, she knew she at least had the safety net to figure things out. She could do this, or she could not. She could keep doing the line of work that she knew but she also had the luxury to take some time off and focus on her book. Or she could go back to school and study - make something new of herself. She knew all of those options were a whole lot easier without this little secret in her belly.

She knew she needed to tell Logan, but she didn't feel strong enough to do it just yet. She at least wanted to know what she wanted before she did, both whether she wanted to have a baby and what she wanted to do professionally. She didn't know how to differentiate the two, they were co-dependant. And with her mother's role model, she knew she really shouldn't be complaining about her life being hard. She felt she had no right to do that.

There was so much to think through, a lot of pros and cons to list. She could just imagine the series of events that would follow the little butterfly effect of her uttering the word 'pregnant' to Logan. She could imagine Logan even cutting the call short and calling his legal team within the same minute. She could imagine him making a grand gesture and flying over to see her and attempt to shower her with all the things she didn't really need. He was always the guy who'd do the 'right' thing. But she knew that there would be a big mess that followed too - issues concerning Odette and Mitchum, the company's PR team, non-disclosure agreements at best, at worst dissolving their prenups and whatever other agreements there were impending on that marriage.

She could picture Huntzberger-approved lists of baby names, as well as being forced to put the baby on the 'conveyor belt' Logan had fought against in his 20s. She could imagine strict 50-50 custody agreements, and shipping the child back and forth across the ocean in the company of a well-paid nanny.

She could just imagine what her grandmother would say, she could almost hear it. She was pretty sure she could imagine what grandma Francine would say too. Even if Logan somehow managed to keep this in the wraps, the society circles were bound to gossip. Single mom by choice, especially if she firmly hid the name of the father, was definitely something worth speculating on.

She could imagine Logan slipping away a couple of times a year to see their child, possibly somewhere hidden away, in secret. She didn't really think anyone deserved to grow up knowing they were something to keep hidden, as something one was ashamed of. She could predict the child starting to ask questions at a certain age, which was bound to be followed by googling, leaving the kid even more confused, feeling rejected and as someone's second priority. Or maybe it was just her feelings that she was imagining?

But she couldn't not tell him either. She just needed to figure out how to balance it. How to make sure he'd remain calm and not jump on a plane? How to make him see that she didn't need anything? At least that was what she was trying to convince herself. But she really didn't want to be someone chosen and married just because of a fluke pregnancy either.

She also didn't want Logan to be mad at her - for not being more careful. For not telling him straight away.

Strangely enough the only real reason she was thinking about the saddest option was Logan. It wasn't about her career, the gossip or how she was going to manage. It was the option that would not shatter his plans. But did she really need to tell him if she was going to do it? Would it actually be like torturing him, opening up a wound that didn't need to be reopened, only telling him that there had been something that was no more?

Rory suddenly felt a cold chill, having not realized for how long she'd been standing there like that, in front of that mirror. That was the trouble with thinking about this - it just got out of hand, and she'd slip into some parallel world of 'what if's.

She quickly began to move, applying moisturizer and combing her hair. She needed to get on with her day. The book was not going to write itself.


February 27th, 2022

"Morning! Cassandra just texted me that there was a package delivered to the apartment in your name. She's bringing it by later," Rory said as she greeted Logan in the kitchen, accepting the cup of coffee he was offering her and gave him a quick peck. She was referring to the girl who helped her manage her airBnB's in town.

"Morning, Ace," Logan replied, definitely appreciating Rory's choice of yoga pants for the day, and slid his hand over her hip, approvingly. "It must be my notebook, the one Marjorie promised to send over," he commented, feeling relieved. It had taken a while, but he was glad it was finally there, curious to see what was in it. He wasn't expecting any 'wow' effect, but he did like to try to get back some of the way of thinking he'd been doing back then, hoping it'd give him fresh ideas.

Rory helped herself to some granola this morning, simply enjoying the fact that Em was still asleep and she would have a minute before things got busy. Rory hadn't slept too well - her memories from that time dazed with all the decisions she'd been faced more than five years ago coming back to her, but yet after her shower she was feeling very much ready for action. She knew these weren't her decisions this time around, but she was feeling energized to help however she could - to tackle the situation. In a way she imagined this to be something her mother would do, and if nothing else she figured this was good practice for whenever Em came to be in this position, which was hopefully sometime in her 30s. The thought was frightening.

Gigi returned downstairs when Rory was almost done with her granola, and going on her second cup of coffee. It was one of those mornings when she needed that extra boost.

"Hey," Gigi said, hesitantly. She was eyeing Logan suspiciously, and Rory figured that she was wondering whether he knew, but as Gigi didn't appear to be too eager to bring the topic up, she just diverted his gaze.

"There's a bunch of different cereal and granola in the cupboard, or if you want there's fruit salad and yogurt," Rory offered.

"And coffee," Logan said, but regretted saying it being a little unsure whether offering coffee to someone who was pregnant and of whose pregnancy he wasn't sure he should even know about.

"Thanks," Gigi replied, and poured herself a glass of water. She took the fruit salad from the fridge but as she got to the table where Rory was sitting, a newspaper opened in front of her, folded in half.

From the corner of her eye Rory observed Gigi pick on her salad, perhaps taking just a couple of bites. Logan had by then headed over to his study, deciding to send a few e-mails.

"I could pretty much only eat crackers and corn cakes in the mornings with Em the first few months," Rory said, taking another sip of her coffee. "I have some if you want," she offered.

"I'm okay, just not very hungry," Gigi replied, humbly. It wasn't even so much morning sickness at this point but just food aversions - smells and tastes being all weird.

"We could still go shopping, you know… I don't want you to feel I'll just sit you down in that office of mine and force the information out of you like. I don't want it to be like that…," Rory replied, realizing that while she'd jumped straight into the big sister role, she wasn't really all that close to her. She had no idea what was going on in her mind except for what she'd actually said. That she thought it was a mistake, that she considered herself stupid for having letting it happen. But then again probably most 18-year-olds would not be jumping from joy in a situation like that. "I hope I didn't just take over and insist you stay over… I just sort of jumped into rescue mode. I have to say I don't even really know you as well as I'd like and maybe it came off as me assuming that I thought I did," Rory confessed, shedding some light on her own insecurities.

"I'm glad you did, I wasn't thinking straight," Gigi replied, still poking around in her fruit salad and picking up a piece of papaya. And just the thought of that drive back with dad…," Gigi began, shaking her head. She put the payapa in her mouth, but was struggling a bit with swallowing it. She managed though, and gulped her water after it.

"Yeah, I can imagine," Rory replied, holding off saying that she was pretty sure they'd need to tell Christopher something pretty soon either way. She stood and handed her a pack of saltines from the cupboard.

"I'm not sure I feel like shopping though," Gigi replied, without giving much more explanation as to why. She nodded thankfully and bit into a saltine.

While they didn't go shopping, they did go out, simply because Rory felt it'd be difficult to discuss things with Em around. They drove around for a bit, Rory giving Gigi a short tour of Hartford, where she worked, where her grandparents had once lived - things like that. After a while they were parked at the parking lot of a small park she sometimes took Em to, both knowing it was time for the talk.

"So how far along do you think you are?" Rory asked, looking at her carefully. She wasn't going to draw attention to it, but she'd packed a whole lot of paper tissues into her coat pocket in case she needed them.

"It happened on Valentine's day," Gigi said.

"Was it someone you cared about? Do they know?" Rory inquired further, whole doing the math in her mind that it would make her just 4 weeks pregnant. That was a good thing, I suppose.

"I liked him, I just… I got so wound up with him," Gigi began to explain. "So when he actually asked me out I just - I was so excited, and then one thing leads to another," she described, sounding very much like it really wasn't her first time. "And since two days later I turn out to be the biggest fool - I find him ignoring me and flirting around with his ex, then… no he really doesn't know. And I don't want him to," she added, frustratedly. Clearly her feelings were really hurt too.

"That sucks, Gi," Rory sympathized. "But it's going to be okay, you know," she said, squeezing her hand.

"Well it doesn't really feel like it now," Gigi replied with a deep sigh.

"Well it is," Rory stated. "Either way. You've got me and your dad, and if anyone understands how something like this can happen by accident it is your dad. I'm sure he would understand. Yes, he'd be mad as hell too, but I think if it came to it…," Rory began to explain. She thought whether Logan's baby had been an accident, but she wasn't sure - it had definitely been more deliberate than that, it had definitely not come out of the lack of knowledge.

"Oh no… I am not going to keep it. I can't," Gig said abruptly, sounding determined.

"It's okay if that's what you want to do. But it's my job as a big sister to tell you that even if you decided differently or it didn't feel right, that we'd figure it out either way. Yale will wait if it comes to it, that's what academic leave of absence is for," Rory felt she needed to say. She wasn't even sure why she'd been already so set on this baby becoming reality, maybe she really was that desperate for a baby she'd be willing to raise her sister's just to get that chance again.

Gigi was staring out of the window and Rory could tell she was fighting tears. "I just never thought I'd be this stupid you know…," she added, wiping away a teardrop that had fallen down her cheek. "I know that condoms are a must, I know that you can get the morning after pill from any pharmacy… I was just so paralyzed to do anything. And now I'm just being punished, I have to make this horrible decision that I have to live with... But I know that I'm not supposed to keep it. I am not ready to be a mom, I want to go to college and not be known as the pregnant girl from day one, I want to do all those things you told me about," she sobbed, recalling the stories Rory had told her.

"You know, not a lot of people know this… but I was actually pregnant once before Em. It was Logan's, but we were just casual at that point. Truthfully we weren't even casual, we were essentially having an affair, I guess," Rory admitted with a squint of her nose. Saying it out loud made her a little queasy, but she felt it was necessary at this point. "Sure I wasn't 18, but I was pretty lost personally. It was back when I still mostly pursued journalism… so the job prospects weren't great. And the way that it happened - I felt very similar to what you described. Paralyzed. I knew that there was a chance I might get pregnant but I was just hurting because it was the last time I was with him, it was supposed to be the final goodbye. I know I could've just gone for the pill… and then weeks later I was still contemplating so many things. What to do? Should I even tell him? Should he have a say in what happens to my body? What if we ended up disagreeing?" Rory explained. "So I get it. It's not the same situation, but I have been faced with that decision too," she added.

"Did it hurt?" Gigi asked, assuming she'd had an abortion.

"I didn't get that far, though I had an appointment made just in case. I was still undecided when I miscarried. It was pretty dangerous actually, a lot of bleeding," Rory shared. "I had them call dad to come see me at the hospital, so he knows - not that it was Logan's but just that I miscarried," she added, feeling strangely relieved to share this with someone. After telling Logan, telling it to each next person, it felt a little lighter. "But as far as I've heard it's supposed to be like bad cramps," she added.

"I think it'd be easier if I didn't wait, I don't want to get used to the idea that there could be something…," Gigi replied, and Rory did understand. Gigi wasn't growing a part of someone she loved inside of her, it was rather someone who had used her, certainly something one didn't want to remember every time one looked at a child's face. At least mom and Christopher had loved each-other. But in Gigi's case, Rory really didn't see a lot of reasons why she might want to reconsider, so she pulled back on offering her the options right then.

"Okay," Rory sighed. "I have a friend who works at the ER, if you want we can text them and see how busy they are. If the attending has a moment we can just go and see a doctor now," Rory added, agreeing with Gigi that not wasting any time in this was mentally probably the easiest way to do it.

And so they went. It was hard for Gigi, no doubt, but a lot easier than either had imagined as all it really took at this stage was two pills, the fear of a possible procedure being so much worse in their minds. Sure, they'd asked her the hard questions, but Rory sat there with her the entire time, holding her hand. And while Rory was a little sad, also a little disappointed in herself for having gotten so wound up in caring for this unwanted baby when it really wasn't her decision. But if there was anything positive that came from it it was that it had brought her and her sister closer together. They shared a secret, or two, now too.

After Rory had sent Gigi home in a car she'd arranged for her as she'd said she felt okay enough to travel, Rory returned inside to Logan and Em, who was once again playing with Loki, teaching her lay and roll over tricks with sign language. The sight was a cute one, no doubt, just enough to make her smile a little.

"You okay?" Logan asked Rory as she reached the kitchen, out of Em's earshot.

"Yeah," Rory replied and placed her arms around his neck. "Just brought back a lot of memories," she added and snuggled into him, needing him to hold her.

"It'll be okay," Logan hummed into her ear, still holding her.